It's a cloudy day today. All grey and from the looks of it, cold. However the weather forecast says not rain and when I went out to buy my friend some cheesecake, it was quite warm. In fact, the weather is perfect.
I had a really busy day yesterday. Today I have another one of those busy days. I woke up and immediately tackled some translation work. Made something to eat, went to buy some cheesecake and now waiting for a client to come over in about 5 minutes. After work today, I have plans to meet up with a friend for dinner and then to see a movie. It gets done at 11pm so I should be home late.
Tomorrow is a public holiday so my boyfriend will be home. I wonder if he has anything planned? Not likely, but let's see if I can convince him to take me someplace.
Oh, I made some homemade pickles and they turned out really good! I think I'll try and make something else I've never tried.
This week, I canceled all plans to meet friends, other than tonight. I am way too busy to fit them all in! I am lucky though, all my friends understand how busy I am and they're used to it. However I will not cancel next week's plans.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Life goes on
Yes life does go on even when you think you won't be able to survive another single day.
I realize this time and time again. After five days after my breakup with my affair, I feel so much better and once again, reminded of the fact that all things happen for a reason.
When I look back and try analyzing my relationship with the guy I had an affair with, I realized why I felt so sad. I really don't like the word "sad" because it doesn't even begin to describe what I went through. Anyway, this is one of the big reasons why I felt so depressed.
One of my friends last night told me that maybe, one of the reasons why I was so depressed was the fact that maybe, it was because I was tired of trying over and over again. This was partly true I guess. It all has to do with love, or my personal perception of it.
When I first met the guy, I felt alone and unhappy with my current boyfriend for the longest time. In fact, my friends and I had to go drinking once a week to get really wasted. I also went to the clubs on a regular basis, while doing tequila shots with my buddies. I also had a lot of random sex with strangers on a regular basis. I realized I must be unhappy. But at that time, I just told myself that this was the kind of relationship I was in and that, most relationships are like this and that I shouldn't expect so much. I thought that this was a mature relationship and that all relationships are like mine, one with no passion and sparks. So everytime I met someone who would tell me that they are looking for that one perfect person that fills their lives with love and happiness, I thought in my head, "that's a load of bull"! I learned to love my boyfriend the best way I can and I threw all my expectations out the window.
Then when the other guy came into my life, he brought out feelings that I forgot I still had. I started to get scared because these were the feelings that I was scared of. He started to peel off my protective skin that wraps around my heart layer by layer, and I guess I let him. I was happy to know that I could still feel that way and once again, I believed all the promises that came pouring out of his heart.
Once the relationship started deteriorating and ended up with the breakup recently, I realized that maybe, this kind of person who makes me feel this way, is not a good kind of love. I have felt this way with a person maybe 3 times in my lifetime. The results were always fatal and I always felt that things couldn't get any worse. The feeling is like this. I feel loved and protected. I feel as if I'm treasured and that nothing can make me feel sad anymore. This is how I felt with him and those 3 guys in my past. So it's quite clear why I felt so sad after the breakup. Suddenly, I didn't feel so safe and protected, treasured and loved.
Sure, my boyfriend loves me in his own special way. But he's a realist and sometimes too real. He always seems to come first in his life. He never surprises me with small gifts. He never looked into my eyes to tell me that he loved me. He wanted to keep our lives separate and individual. It was all fine really, until the other guy showed up. I guess he gave me what I needed that my boyfriend couldn't give me. It was like he completed me.
The fact that I could feel that special kind of love that I thought I'd lost. The realization that I wanted to feel like that and I wanted someone to take care of me in that way. The realization that I felt sad and lonely with my current boyfriend. The fact that I had to tell him about this affair so we could somehow improve the situation.
I did tell my boyfriend about it and why I got involved in the first place. My boyfriend, with no change in his expression, said that he was sorry and that it was partly his fault. No drama, no emotions, nothing. My friend once told me that he probably feels many things inside. He just isn't the type to show it. I guess that may be true.
I just hope that things will keep improving with my boyfriend. I'm sure this was a good thing that happened. Maybe we both needed this event to take place, in order to move our relationship forward and into a better place. My protective shell is back in place now, I can feel it back where it belongs. Safe inside where no one can get to it. This is where is should stay for now.
Yes life goes on. I'm back to Second Life as well. My friends are still there and my best friend Jeckie came back on after some absence so I'm really happy about that. I guess our friendship developed because we both gave love to one another without expecting anything in return. We were both there for each other when we needed them to be. She did alot for me while not expecting anything in return. I guess that's what real friends do. And she has won my loyalty that way. I'm thankful to have her in my life.
Today I will go shopping with my boyfriend. I bought a nice pair of shoes and a shirt yesterday. Today we will go to a wine shop to buy a few bottles of good wine. My friends are coming over sometime this week.
How do I feel today? I guess I feel thankful for what I have.
Oh, I decided not to buy anymore potato chips for a while. I think I had enough chips to last me 5 years.
I realize this time and time again. After five days after my breakup with my affair, I feel so much better and once again, reminded of the fact that all things happen for a reason.
When I look back and try analyzing my relationship with the guy I had an affair with, I realized why I felt so sad. I really don't like the word "sad" because it doesn't even begin to describe what I went through. Anyway, this is one of the big reasons why I felt so depressed.
One of my friends last night told me that maybe, one of the reasons why I was so depressed was the fact that maybe, it was because I was tired of trying over and over again. This was partly true I guess. It all has to do with love, or my personal perception of it.
When I first met the guy, I felt alone and unhappy with my current boyfriend for the longest time. In fact, my friends and I had to go drinking once a week to get really wasted. I also went to the clubs on a regular basis, while doing tequila shots with my buddies. I also had a lot of random sex with strangers on a regular basis. I realized I must be unhappy. But at that time, I just told myself that this was the kind of relationship I was in and that, most relationships are like this and that I shouldn't expect so much. I thought that this was a mature relationship and that all relationships are like mine, one with no passion and sparks. So everytime I met someone who would tell me that they are looking for that one perfect person that fills their lives with love and happiness, I thought in my head, "that's a load of bull"! I learned to love my boyfriend the best way I can and I threw all my expectations out the window.
Then when the other guy came into my life, he brought out feelings that I forgot I still had. I started to get scared because these were the feelings that I was scared of. He started to peel off my protective skin that wraps around my heart layer by layer, and I guess I let him. I was happy to know that I could still feel that way and once again, I believed all the promises that came pouring out of his heart.
Once the relationship started deteriorating and ended up with the breakup recently, I realized that maybe, this kind of person who makes me feel this way, is not a good kind of love. I have felt this way with a person maybe 3 times in my lifetime. The results were always fatal and I always felt that things couldn't get any worse. The feeling is like this. I feel loved and protected. I feel as if I'm treasured and that nothing can make me feel sad anymore. This is how I felt with him and those 3 guys in my past. So it's quite clear why I felt so sad after the breakup. Suddenly, I didn't feel so safe and protected, treasured and loved.
Sure, my boyfriend loves me in his own special way. But he's a realist and sometimes too real. He always seems to come first in his life. He never surprises me with small gifts. He never looked into my eyes to tell me that he loved me. He wanted to keep our lives separate and individual. It was all fine really, until the other guy showed up. I guess he gave me what I needed that my boyfriend couldn't give me. It was like he completed me.
The fact that I could feel that special kind of love that I thought I'd lost. The realization that I wanted to feel like that and I wanted someone to take care of me in that way. The realization that I felt sad and lonely with my current boyfriend. The fact that I had to tell him about this affair so we could somehow improve the situation.
I did tell my boyfriend about it and why I got involved in the first place. My boyfriend, with no change in his expression, said that he was sorry and that it was partly his fault. No drama, no emotions, nothing. My friend once told me that he probably feels many things inside. He just isn't the type to show it. I guess that may be true.
I just hope that things will keep improving with my boyfriend. I'm sure this was a good thing that happened. Maybe we both needed this event to take place, in order to move our relationship forward and into a better place. My protective shell is back in place now, I can feel it back where it belongs. Safe inside where no one can get to it. This is where is should stay for now.
Yes life goes on. I'm back to Second Life as well. My friends are still there and my best friend Jeckie came back on after some absence so I'm really happy about that. I guess our friendship developed because we both gave love to one another without expecting anything in return. We were both there for each other when we needed them to be. She did alot for me while not expecting anything in return. I guess that's what real friends do. And she has won my loyalty that way. I'm thankful to have her in my life.
Today I will go shopping with my boyfriend. I bought a nice pair of shoes and a shirt yesterday. Today we will go to a wine shop to buy a few bottles of good wine. My friends are coming over sometime this week.
How do I feel today? I guess I feel thankful for what I have.
Oh, I decided not to buy anymore potato chips for a while. I think I had enough chips to last me 5 years.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Day or Recovery
I woke up this morning hoping to feel better. I actually did feel better after a night of rest. My head was clearer and I realized what I needed to do. Anyway, this morning I woke up and made myself a cup of decaf latte with a sprinkle of cinnamon to lift my spirits. Then after quickly checking emails, I started on project clean up. Yes, I'm going to clean my house and get rid of old things that I never use and all the dust that had accumulated over the past year. I started out with the dining area as there is a lot of stuff I don't use in the cabinets there. Once that was done, I continued with the living room. By this time, it was around 1:30pm so I started to get hungry. I went out to get something to eat, at which time the ex-boyfriend who I broke it off with the other day, called my cell. I was in line at the register at the grocery store and couldn't really talk so I told him to call me back. He called back 3 minutes later and I had a little chat with him for about 5 minutes. It felt really strange to be talking to him like nothing happened, so I apologized to him for being so dramatic the other day and that something was really wrong with me. I told him that I feel much better today and thank you for the call. He said that we should have dinner sometime next week and I said that sounded great. I told him that I'm cleaning my house to get rid of all the mess I've accumulated over the year and besides, my mother is coming soon so I need to get it cleaned anyway. I told him to have a great day and don't forget to eat. I did my best to sound as cheerful as possible and made like it was the best day of my life!
After I hung up, I was quite amazed to find that I was indeed happier today. I went home and had my late lunch while watching an episode of desperate housewives. Immediately afterwards, I started to do some laundry and went to tackle the bathroom and hallway closets. While rummaging through the hallway closet, I stumbled upon some old pictures of my ex ex and my ex ex ex as well as my ex ex ex ex! hehehe! Yes I have a lot of exes! I started to laugh because they were all so funny and I completely forgot they were there. I think my mother tried to hide it from my current boyfriend. I don't know why she finds it necessary to do that. I mean my boyfriend knows I'm not a virgin.
After the closet, I scrubbed the bathroom tiles, the sinks, and the toilet. I then continued to the kitchen. That was the worst, but hey, someone has to do it right? I thought that was enough cleaning for the day and you know what? I felt wonderful! I felt that I deserved to relax so went to the DVD rental shop to rent a couple of DVDs. I did an hour of yoga but had to end it short because of heart palpitations. What was causing it today, I have no idea! I watched THE INVASION with Nicole Kidman while eating a cabbage salad and some potato chips. Yeah I know it's a weird combo but I was too lazy to leave the apartment.
After that, my boyfriend came home complaining he had a headache so I had to make him some hot tea and gave him a back massage. It's 10.27 pm now and I'm ready to head to bed. Nothing else for me to do tonight and besides, I am tired today. Tomorrow I need to continue cleaning my apartment. I might as well do everything I can this week as I have a busy week next week. In my desperation for company, last night I emailed a couple of my friends to make plans for next week. At the same time, a friend from Bangkok will be coming and wants to meet for coffee! Okay, is that too much? Sounds like a lot to me so we'll see how things go. I might have to cancel some things. I really do need to get back to my designing.
Anyway, I had a really good day and it was better than I expected it would be. I'm still a bit sad, but compared to yesterday, I'm a totally different person! I'm hoping that tomorrow will be much better than today and I'm pretty confident it will be.
After I hung up, I was quite amazed to find that I was indeed happier today. I went home and had my late lunch while watching an episode of desperate housewives. Immediately afterwards, I started to do some laundry and went to tackle the bathroom and hallway closets. While rummaging through the hallway closet, I stumbled upon some old pictures of my ex ex and my ex ex ex as well as my ex ex ex ex! hehehe! Yes I have a lot of exes! I started to laugh because they were all so funny and I completely forgot they were there. I think my mother tried to hide it from my current boyfriend. I don't know why she finds it necessary to do that. I mean my boyfriend knows I'm not a virgin.
After the closet, I scrubbed the bathroom tiles, the sinks, and the toilet. I then continued to the kitchen. That was the worst, but hey, someone has to do it right? I thought that was enough cleaning for the day and you know what? I felt wonderful! I felt that I deserved to relax so went to the DVD rental shop to rent a couple of DVDs. I did an hour of yoga but had to end it short because of heart palpitations. What was causing it today, I have no idea! I watched THE INVASION with Nicole Kidman while eating a cabbage salad and some potato chips. Yeah I know it's a weird combo but I was too lazy to leave the apartment.
After that, my boyfriend came home complaining he had a headache so I had to make him some hot tea and gave him a back massage. It's 10.27 pm now and I'm ready to head to bed. Nothing else for me to do tonight and besides, I am tired today. Tomorrow I need to continue cleaning my apartment. I might as well do everything I can this week as I have a busy week next week. In my desperation for company, last night I emailed a couple of my friends to make plans for next week. At the same time, a friend from Bangkok will be coming and wants to meet for coffee! Okay, is that too much? Sounds like a lot to me so we'll see how things go. I might have to cancel some things. I really do need to get back to my designing.
Anyway, I had a really good day and it was better than I expected it would be. I'm still a bit sad, but compared to yesterday, I'm a totally different person! I'm hoping that tomorrow will be much better than today and I'm pretty confident it will be.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Third post of the day
It's almost 11pm over here where I live. I literally couldn't do anything today except eat and watch Desperate Housewives all day. I'm depressed and it all feels like a dream. It's like you're in this half-awake state all day because everything's all blurry and all I wanted to happen was for time to go by faster. The minutes were ticking by so slowly and it's been a long and lousy day for me. I don't feel like logging into Second Life. I don't feel like working. I don't feel like doing anything except taking a sleeping pill and zonking out. The problem is I don't have any in my apartment. I went to buy a bottle of wine and had a couple of sips but decided it was better not to drown my sorrows with alcohol. It was tempting but I'm not going down that road.
I just finished reading through my blog from the past year to see if I could find some answers to my present situation. I think the problem was that I was living a fantasy life for an entire year. Yes, I was! So many things spun out of control. I think I ran myself into a big and busy rut! I avoided the consequences of my actions for the longest time and it has finally resulted in me hitting a brick wall.
I've been in denial for more than a year now. I had been filled with fear and guilt with a dash of shame. Juggling so many things in my life and trying to be so many things to different people finally caught up with me. I started to forget who I am. So I ran away to a world called Second Life, where I didn't have all those problems. I was free and happy there. Now, even that's not enough to save me.
Last night, I finally had to face up to one of the biggest problems in my life. For an entire year, I had another boyfriend. This guy knew I had a boyfriend and it started out as a way to spice up my life. I was bored and unhappy at that time and it just happened. Things got out of hand and I didn't know what to do about it. Come to think of it, I still don't know how it got so out of control. I think somewhere along the way, I started to fall for this guy. I finally ended it last night and although I feel really sad about it, I know it was the right thing to do. But the thing is, the pain I feel is just as painful as my past breakups. I mean how can this be? I'm with my boyfriend of 7 years. I'm pretty sure I love this guy. But right now, I'm just devestated about breaking up with this other one that lasted a year. Fuck, I am so fucked up! Yeah I know I should be posting this in my Secret Garden section but I think I need to confess here as it's pretty obvious I've been in denial for such a long time about this. I am so fucked up and I need to fix my life one step at a time.
I remember a friend of mine told me that I was fucked up about 20 years ago. Well, he was right about that. I know that a year from now, I will look back at all of this and say, "wow I was really fucked up then". Well, I kind of wish it was next year already!
Well, I made my mess and I have to clean it up. I think I will start to clean my apartment tomorrow. I will do some yoga and maybe I should take up jogging or something. I need to clear my mind and remove clutter from my life. I feel the need to simplify things just like a friend in Second Life told me to. I want to wake up tomorrow feeling better than I feel today. Tomorrow my friend will come over for drinks. I already made plans to meet some others next week. I will also try to work on my relationship with my boyfriend of 7 years. Yes, I did tell him about the affair, not including all the tiny details. I did tell him that I was very unhappy at the time. He also told me that he understood and that he is partly to blame for all of this and he actually said thanks for choosing him in the end.
He is a really good guy, my boyfriend. Now I just need to talk things out with him so this doesn't happen ever again. My mother will be here in a few weeks. I want to be happy when she's here. She doesn't need to see all the drama in my life.
I just finished reading through my blog from the past year to see if I could find some answers to my present situation. I think the problem was that I was living a fantasy life for an entire year. Yes, I was! So many things spun out of control. I think I ran myself into a big and busy rut! I avoided the consequences of my actions for the longest time and it has finally resulted in me hitting a brick wall.
I've been in denial for more than a year now. I had been filled with fear and guilt with a dash of shame. Juggling so many things in my life and trying to be so many things to different people finally caught up with me. I started to forget who I am. So I ran away to a world called Second Life, where I didn't have all those problems. I was free and happy there. Now, even that's not enough to save me.
Last night, I finally had to face up to one of the biggest problems in my life. For an entire year, I had another boyfriend. This guy knew I had a boyfriend and it started out as a way to spice up my life. I was bored and unhappy at that time and it just happened. Things got out of hand and I didn't know what to do about it. Come to think of it, I still don't know how it got so out of control. I think somewhere along the way, I started to fall for this guy. I finally ended it last night and although I feel really sad about it, I know it was the right thing to do. But the thing is, the pain I feel is just as painful as my past breakups. I mean how can this be? I'm with my boyfriend of 7 years. I'm pretty sure I love this guy. But right now, I'm just devestated about breaking up with this other one that lasted a year. Fuck, I am so fucked up! Yeah I know I should be posting this in my Secret Garden section but I think I need to confess here as it's pretty obvious I've been in denial for such a long time about this. I am so fucked up and I need to fix my life one step at a time.
I remember a friend of mine told me that I was fucked up about 20 years ago. Well, he was right about that. I know that a year from now, I will look back at all of this and say, "wow I was really fucked up then". Well, I kind of wish it was next year already!
Well, I made my mess and I have to clean it up. I think I will start to clean my apartment tomorrow. I will do some yoga and maybe I should take up jogging or something. I need to clear my mind and remove clutter from my life. I feel the need to simplify things just like a friend in Second Life told me to. I want to wake up tomorrow feeling better than I feel today. Tomorrow my friend will come over for drinks. I already made plans to meet some others next week. I will also try to work on my relationship with my boyfriend of 7 years. Yes, I did tell him about the affair, not including all the tiny details. I did tell him that I was very unhappy at the time. He also told me that he understood and that he is partly to blame for all of this and he actually said thanks for choosing him in the end.
He is a really good guy, my boyfriend. Now I just need to talk things out with him so this doesn't happen ever again. My mother will be here in a few weeks. I want to be happy when she's here. She doesn't need to see all the drama in my life.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Okay I've been busy and lazy
Wow, it's been over a month since my last post. Before my blog disappears into oblivion, I've decided to post today. Besides, I'm just recovering from a cold and still taking it easy.
First things first. It's getting warmer here in Japan and I can get rid of my electric blanket! Yay! Bad news is that I have to put away all my winter clothes and start getting my spring/summer clothes out from the 2nd floor closet. Yes, my walk-in closet is on the 2nd floor of my apartment! It's more like at attic really, but we just don't have enough space on the main floor for all our stuff and we really do need all the space we have. Space is expensive in Tokyo and I can't move. I like the city too much! So byebye winter!
My mother is coming to visit in April. I haven't seen her in 3 years and really looking forward to seeing her. I'm also saving up so I can take her to Thailand next month. I already bought the plane tickets and reserved the rooms for 7 nights. I reserved really nice rooms for the trip and spent a large chunk of my savings, but hey, she's my mother and she deserves it. I hope she enjoys the trip. It's a surprise!
My friend Michael from Hawaii has plans to visit in June and we have tickets for Singapore during that time. However one problem exists. The hotel rates are outrageous! I have searched and searched the internet for deals but cannot find a decent hotel at a price we can afford! Sure we can pay $500US per night for 9 nights but do we really want to do that? Let me tell you that better deals can be found almost anywhere in my opinion! Even Tokyo is not that expensive! What's up with the prices in Singapore these days? Another gripe I have. The prices for drinks in Singapore is rediculous! I think we can get the same bottle of wine here in Japan for a third of the price in Singapore! Is it that nobody drinks in Singapore anymore or just that prices are too high? I really don't know but a cocktail at a restaurant in Singapore can cost around $10US. In Tokyo, this is quite normal at a very upscale restaurant! But here in Tokyo, a good bottle of wine only costs around $10US! At restaurants, table wine at a nice trattoria is around $5US! Maybe that's why everyone drinks here in Japan. hahaha
Anyway, moving on.....
My relationship with my boyfriend couldn't be better. It's pretty unbelievable to me but true. Our sex life is great and he pleases me in bed like no other! We both love wine, good food, yoga and making money. No, we don't like the exact same things. However our preferences have become similiar throughout the years. It's a nice and comfortable feeling.
My second life in SECOND LIFE is as always, busy! I have seriously started designing clothes in SL and it's harder than I thought and sometimes not as much fun. However I am enjoying this new project and for me, a new business venture. It's another incentive for me to spend so much time in the game. It's very exciting to me to be able to do this. Because it's a business, I have realized that I have a lot to think about in regards to this venture. Not only do I need to design clothes I like, but must be able to sell these items through research and smart marketing. Yes it all sounds like hard work, but believe me it's much easier than doing business in SL and a smaller risk that's for sure! Anyway, let's see how far I can get with this in this new world called Second Life!
My Bell's Palsy is mostly recovered but sometimes I have to wonder. Just last week, I felt bad the entire week mostly due to my affected side tightening up all the way from my scalp to my neck. It's really irritating and I still get upset when I don't feel all that great. Just to make things worse, I came down with a cold and slight fever and that was enough to keep me off my feet for a few days.
So lots of things are happening in my life at the moment. Yoga is the one thing that keeps me sane through this time of restlessness.
First things first. It's getting warmer here in Japan and I can get rid of my electric blanket! Yay! Bad news is that I have to put away all my winter clothes and start getting my spring/summer clothes out from the 2nd floor closet. Yes, my walk-in closet is on the 2nd floor of my apartment! It's more like at attic really, but we just don't have enough space on the main floor for all our stuff and we really do need all the space we have. Space is expensive in Tokyo and I can't move. I like the city too much! So byebye winter!
My mother is coming to visit in April. I haven't seen her in 3 years and really looking forward to seeing her. I'm also saving up so I can take her to Thailand next month. I already bought the plane tickets and reserved the rooms for 7 nights. I reserved really nice rooms for the trip and spent a large chunk of my savings, but hey, she's my mother and she deserves it. I hope she enjoys the trip. It's a surprise!
My friend Michael from Hawaii has plans to visit in June and we have tickets for Singapore during that time. However one problem exists. The hotel rates are outrageous! I have searched and searched the internet for deals but cannot find a decent hotel at a price we can afford! Sure we can pay $500US per night for 9 nights but do we really want to do that? Let me tell you that better deals can be found almost anywhere in my opinion! Even Tokyo is not that expensive! What's up with the prices in Singapore these days? Another gripe I have. The prices for drinks in Singapore is rediculous! I think we can get the same bottle of wine here in Japan for a third of the price in Singapore! Is it that nobody drinks in Singapore anymore or just that prices are too high? I really don't know but a cocktail at a restaurant in Singapore can cost around $10US. In Tokyo, this is quite normal at a very upscale restaurant! But here in Tokyo, a good bottle of wine only costs around $10US! At restaurants, table wine at a nice trattoria is around $5US! Maybe that's why everyone drinks here in Japan. hahaha
Anyway, moving on.....
My relationship with my boyfriend couldn't be better. It's pretty unbelievable to me but true. Our sex life is great and he pleases me in bed like no other! We both love wine, good food, yoga and making money. No, we don't like the exact same things. However our preferences have become similiar throughout the years. It's a nice and comfortable feeling.
My second life in SECOND LIFE is as always, busy! I have seriously started designing clothes in SL and it's harder than I thought and sometimes not as much fun. However I am enjoying this new project and for me, a new business venture. It's another incentive for me to spend so much time in the game. It's very exciting to me to be able to do this. Because it's a business, I have realized that I have a lot to think about in regards to this venture. Not only do I need to design clothes I like, but must be able to sell these items through research and smart marketing. Yes it all sounds like hard work, but believe me it's much easier than doing business in SL and a smaller risk that's for sure! Anyway, let's see how far I can get with this in this new world called Second Life!
My Bell's Palsy is mostly recovered but sometimes I have to wonder. Just last week, I felt bad the entire week mostly due to my affected side tightening up all the way from my scalp to my neck. It's really irritating and I still get upset when I don't feel all that great. Just to make things worse, I came down with a cold and slight fever and that was enough to keep me off my feet for a few days.
So lots of things are happening in my life at the moment. Yoga is the one thing that keeps me sane through this time of restlessness.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
My birthday dinner
For my birthday my boyfriend took me to Nobu Tokyo. I've always wanted to go there so I was really excited! The restaurant is a near replica of the one in New York. It was a good idea that they moved to this new location as it is much more quiet and secluded and has an air of class. The first dish was scallop sashimi new style.
This is a whitefish Peru style. It was sooooo good!
Crispy Salmon Skin Salad.
Cabbage Steak with Truffles
The best dish of all, Robert Deniro's favorite, the fish dish. Can't remember the name!
The chocolate cake bento box.
A very light and refreshing wine jelly with mascarpone ice cream.
Everything about the restaurant was perfect. Yes it was slightly over-priced and it's not something you can do everyday unless you had money to burn. With a cocktail and two glasses of wine each, the dinner came out to over 30000yen. But it was so worth it! Thank you my sweet boyfriend. I love you so much!
Let it snow
It always seems to snow during the week before or after my birthday. Sure enough is snowed this year as well just like clockwork. This day I had a haircut appoinment. I usually bike it down there, but this day I had to walk.
This place is just one train station away. I used to live here with my ex-boyfriend. This little park is located behind the apartment where I used to live.
Although it's cold, wet and sometimes a pain, I like the snow.A short walk in my neighborhood
The other day I went out for a little walk. This is the side road from where I live. It was a nice day although a bit cold. I usually ride my bicycle here but the sidewalk is small and the road is a two-way street so it's very stressful.
This is where we usually buy flowers, bulbs and dirt for our small garden on our balcony.
There's a dog that actually lives here. It's big and cuddly but smells terrible! The owner really needs to give it a bath.
A small trail with trees behind the flower shop.
A couple blocks down and we find a cabbage patch right in the middle of the city!Monday, January 28, 2008
Pictures from LA, Dec-2007
My trip to LA started on Dec 27 and lasted for one week. We went during the high season so our plane fare was expensive. However because I had a pretty bad year, I decided to go for it. As you can see in my pictures, my face is almost recovered from Bell's Palsy. This first picture was when I felt the worst. The skin from the tip of my skull to the bottom of my neck was being stretched in a most uncomfortable way. So I'm not smiling in a lot of the pictures.
A forced smile in this picture with my sweetheart. I totally love him to pieces!
Disneyland!
After extensive research on the internet, I found out that CRUMBS was one of the most popular cupcake shops in town. We found it and I got four gigantic cupcakes. I ended up only taking a few bites of each and I cound not eat any more. I was a bit disappointed because it was overly sweet and I was expecting a bit more. Maybe if I just got one it wouldn've been better. Just too sweet for me. Anyway, at least I got to try them. Next time I'll try Sprinkles.
In Santa Monica for lunch. I was so tired and by this time, my face was hurting. But the food was good although service was terrible. hehe
Gumbo at Farmer's Market. OMG, I actually waited in line for about 20 minutes while my boyfriend waited on a bench in the cold weather. Good gumbo though. My boyfriend had the salad below and regretted getting that in the cold weather. He felt even colder afterwards.
Most of our first three days, we just couldn't get over our jetlag. So we slept a lot and took frequent naps. My face was going through the worst time during my Bell's Palsy recovery and I could not get myself to smile. I was tired so often and New Year's Eve was spent in our room. However we went to a fabulous restaurant called Katana. We got reservations last minute and that made our trip. My boyfriend and I ended up shopping a lot of the time. A huge sale was going on at Macy's. Almost everything was 50% off! With our suitcases full and just barely making the weight limit for our return flight, we returned safely back home. I love LA and already making plans to return.Sunday, January 20, 2008
A new morning
Okay, I feel better today then yesterday. Not that I had a bad day or anything. Just not so good. I think a relationship in my life might be ending. I might just all be in my head and worrying for nothing. It affected my sleep though and for the first time this year, I slept until 10am.
I'm going to try not to think too much today and hopefully have a better day. On days like this, I just need to have really great mind-blowing sex! Boyfriend, get ready!
I'm going to try not to think too much today and hopefully have a better day. On days like this, I just need to have really great mind-blowing sex! Boyfriend, get ready!
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
The new year and other petty details
Happy New Year friends! Well, last year sucked big time and I was reflecting on the past year to see if there was anything I could salvage from the year I had. So I looked back and thought about what was good...or if anything was good for me. After a few minutes, I did find a few things that happened to me that I would consider to be fortunate. Here's a list I made.
Second Life:
I found a fascinating world that didnt know existed. With all the drama found in real life, I made a few friends that I have become close to. It's strange really, but out of all the things in this world, second life was the last thing I thought I would get involved in. I love all the creativity that can be found...the helpful people found in the metaverse...a place of belonging you can find in Second life that cannot be compared to MSN messenger or anything else for that matter. I cherish those friends that I have met there and hope they will remain my friends for a long time. I'm also going to buy some land. hehe
Getting out of debt:
Yep, I was a bit in debt at the beginning of 2007 and I cleared it by the end of January! Whew!
Saving some money:
Yes I even managed to save a bit and that in itself is a miracle!
My relationship with my boyfriend:
Has gotten better. I love him more than ever and it was due to all the ups and downs that have proven that relationships can last for a very long time. In fact, it has gotten better than ever and I think I have found my lifetime partner.
My real life friends:
They were always there when I needed them even when I alienated them during my illness. I love them and will always love and cherish them. They are my treasures.
My family:
My sister and mother. Although they live in a different country, nothing seems to separate the bond we have.
Getting Bell's Palsy:
Yeah I know it's weird, but it taught me how to slow down. In fact I think I needed to real badly. If I kept going at the rate I was going, I probably would have killed myself. Now only if the recovery was a bit quicker I would be one happy man.
Going to LA and forcing myself to go on a roller coaster:
Yes another dumb thing I know. But for me it was a milestone. For the longest time, i've been avoiding rides due to my anxiety attacks and they had gotten worse over time especially last year. I was bummed out because my friends know how much I love roller coasters and kiddie stuff. But everytime I got on a ride, even a tame ride like Big Thunder Mountain, I would get an anxiety attack and start getting all the symptoms of a heart attack. Through a friend I met in Second Life, who treats patients with anxiety attacks, I forced myself on that friggin ride. The coaster was intense, went upside down, and was a very long ride. I had to get out of line 3 times before just saying, the hell with it. If I die, I die! And I didnt die! In fact, all the adrenaline went somewhere else instead of accumulating as anxiety. And I did it twice and that was a big thing for me so there! Yay!
So although last year was a tough one for me, it wasn't all that bad. Sure I had to slow down and I missed all the xmas parties that I didnt go to. Sure I had to rest a lot and I definitely hated quitting the gym. But I'm doing yoga now and I'm eating healthy. I wake up early and sleep at a decent time. I had to learn how to breathe properly and deal with my panic attacks in new ways. My Bell's Palsy is better but still bugs the hell out of me. But my smile is back and I'm happy again.
Oh, I have a nice house in Second LIfe that I'm renting until I get some land so if anyone wants to come and visit me, just join the friggin thing and look for me! It's really not that hard and if you can MSN, believe me, you can SL!
Oh, my new year's resolutions for the year.
Become healthier through a macrobiotic lifestyle, including diet, exercise and healthy lifestyle choices. (So far so good)
Keep my apartment clean!
Make more money, but take it easy when I have to.
Focus on my projects.
Call my mother once a week.
Get a new haircut! Had this hairstyle forever! Geeeesh!
Second Life:
I found a fascinating world that didnt know existed. With all the drama found in real life, I made a few friends that I have become close to. It's strange really, but out of all the things in this world, second life was the last thing I thought I would get involved in. I love all the creativity that can be found...the helpful people found in the metaverse...a place of belonging you can find in Second life that cannot be compared to MSN messenger or anything else for that matter. I cherish those friends that I have met there and hope they will remain my friends for a long time. I'm also going to buy some land. hehe
Getting out of debt:
Yep, I was a bit in debt at the beginning of 2007 and I cleared it by the end of January! Whew!
Saving some money:
Yes I even managed to save a bit and that in itself is a miracle!
My relationship with my boyfriend:
Has gotten better. I love him more than ever and it was due to all the ups and downs that have proven that relationships can last for a very long time. In fact, it has gotten better than ever and I think I have found my lifetime partner.
My real life friends:
They were always there when I needed them even when I alienated them during my illness. I love them and will always love and cherish them. They are my treasures.
My family:
My sister and mother. Although they live in a different country, nothing seems to separate the bond we have.
Getting Bell's Palsy:
Yeah I know it's weird, but it taught me how to slow down. In fact I think I needed to real badly. If I kept going at the rate I was going, I probably would have killed myself. Now only if the recovery was a bit quicker I would be one happy man.
Going to LA and forcing myself to go on a roller coaster:
Yes another dumb thing I know. But for me it was a milestone. For the longest time, i've been avoiding rides due to my anxiety attacks and they had gotten worse over time especially last year. I was bummed out because my friends know how much I love roller coasters and kiddie stuff. But everytime I got on a ride, even a tame ride like Big Thunder Mountain, I would get an anxiety attack and start getting all the symptoms of a heart attack. Through a friend I met in Second Life, who treats patients with anxiety attacks, I forced myself on that friggin ride. The coaster was intense, went upside down, and was a very long ride. I had to get out of line 3 times before just saying, the hell with it. If I die, I die! And I didnt die! In fact, all the adrenaline went somewhere else instead of accumulating as anxiety. And I did it twice and that was a big thing for me so there! Yay!
So although last year was a tough one for me, it wasn't all that bad. Sure I had to slow down and I missed all the xmas parties that I didnt go to. Sure I had to rest a lot and I definitely hated quitting the gym. But I'm doing yoga now and I'm eating healthy. I wake up early and sleep at a decent time. I had to learn how to breathe properly and deal with my panic attacks in new ways. My Bell's Palsy is better but still bugs the hell out of me. But my smile is back and I'm happy again.
Oh, I have a nice house in Second LIfe that I'm renting until I get some land so if anyone wants to come and visit me, just join the friggin thing and look for me! It's really not that hard and if you can MSN, believe me, you can SL!
Oh, my new year's resolutions for the year.
Become healthier through a macrobiotic lifestyle, including diet, exercise and healthy lifestyle choices. (So far so good)
Keep my apartment clean!
Make more money, but take it easy when I have to.
Focus on my projects.
Call my mother once a week.
Get a new haircut! Had this hairstyle forever! Geeeesh!
Friday, December 28, 2007
second life christmas
Picture outside my apartment.
Some gifts from friends.
My wreath
A painting done by one of my very good friends.
Undies and bracelet from Domch.
Necklace and antler ears from Domch.
My Christmas Tree, a gift from Almasy
Friday, December 21, 2007
Year's end and reflecting on the year
Well 3 days until Christmas...yippee!!! Nah, actually that was so fake. It's more like Christmas will be here in 3 days and so what. Not being negative or anything like that. This year's been tough and to tell you the truth, I'm just happy to be alive. I've finally been able to function sort of normally these couple of days. I've met someone online and he's been helping me with my panic attacks. In fact, I think he's been more of a help than any doctors I've seen in the past. I truly appreciate his help.
My boyfriend made me truly upset right before the holidays so maybe that's one reasons why I'm not really looking forward to xmas. But hey, some things can't be helped I guess. I'm really too tired to deal with it and I have too many things to concentrate on other than his insensitivity. I still love him and that's all that matters.
By the way, our Christmas tree this year is purple and it's beautiful. The tree has all these purple balls in various sizes and designs. Some are shiny and the others are matte. A silver ribbon circles the entire tree and a few white poinsettias to add some other color. Looking at the tree reminds me of my life this year. So many ups and downs, bright and happy times, dull and painful days...my year in a nutshell.
However once again, all these things have proven to me once again that the human spirit is strong. My friends are genuine and I'm so lucky to have them in my life. My mother and sister care about me and I'm fortunate to still have them with me. My boyfriend who, try as he might, disappoints me on a regular basis and he loves me the best way he knows how. Life sucked big time for me this year. However I'm fortunate to still be here and life can be good.
Merry Christmas
My boyfriend made me truly upset right before the holidays so maybe that's one reasons why I'm not really looking forward to xmas. But hey, some things can't be helped I guess. I'm really too tired to deal with it and I have too many things to concentrate on other than his insensitivity. I still love him and that's all that matters.
By the way, our Christmas tree this year is purple and it's beautiful. The tree has all these purple balls in various sizes and designs. Some are shiny and the others are matte. A silver ribbon circles the entire tree and a few white poinsettias to add some other color. Looking at the tree reminds me of my life this year. So many ups and downs, bright and happy times, dull and painful days...my year in a nutshell.
However once again, all these things have proven to me once again that the human spirit is strong. My friends are genuine and I'm so lucky to have them in my life. My mother and sister care about me and I'm fortunate to still have them with me. My boyfriend who, try as he might, disappoints me on a regular basis and he loves me the best way he knows how. Life sucked big time for me this year. However I'm fortunate to still be here and life can be good.
Merry Christmas
Monday, December 10, 2007
a very long night
Oh my God, I just woke up. Well to tell you the truth, I actually woke up a number of times and it was just such a strange evening. I slept pretty early at 12 midnight. I was extremely tired because I've been out all day and had a slight cold. I fell asleep almost immediately and started to dream a very long dream that continued all the way until I woke up.
My first dream sequence happened between the hours of midnight until 4am at which time I woke up to get a drink of water. In the dream, I was talking to two guys who apparently were i love with me. I needed both of them to help me with some kind of paper work. It was all in Japanese and was very intensive. They seemed to hate each other as they were rivals. I guess they both realized that I was taking advantage of them because here I am giving them orders to finish up quickly. So I decided to distract them by making them a home cooked meal. This seemed to do the trick and they continued to do the paper work. I started to worry that both of them were going to fall in love with one another and that my paper work wouldn't get done. I had chosen one of the guys to be my partner although the other one was cute as well. However the other one seemed to be the more charming one and I had my heart on him. But strangely enough the only thing that mattered was my paperwork.
At that time, I heard footsteps outside my entrance door. I knew they were coming to kill us although there was no reason to. So I made a quick escape through the balcony. I don't know what happened to them, but I was out of there and there was no turning back now. I woke up at 4am with my mouth totally dehydrated and in need of a glass of water.
I went back to sleep right after my drink and proceeded to dream some more.
The second episode lasted until 7:30. With no paperwork in hand, I was forced to look for an apartment. While looking for one, I accidently ran into one of the guys that I thought had died. He said that he doesn't blame me for running away and have an apartment set up for me. We went over to the apartment and I was upset to see the place small, dark and scary. It was also very dirty. He said that was all he could afford at the moment and promised me that we would move to a better place within a year. I had to think to myself if it was all worth it. Once again I hear footsteps outside the door and this time they got in before I could escape. They were a group of killer samurai. They took us away and we became their prisoners. Fortunately for me, one of the guys fell in love with me at first sight and he was able to save me. This however would created problems for him so I had to disguise myself as a woman.
I woke up at 7:30am shivering for some reason. I was so cold and thought something was wrong so used my thermometer to see what my temperature was. 35.6 degrees. What's wrong with me? I turned up the electric blanket and went back to sleep for the third time.
During the last phase, I was half asleep and half awake for most of the time. It was a restless phase and it seemed to make me more tired. The samurai them dominated the storyline. As a woman, my job was to use my power to gather all the women together to create a lavish dinner to poison the men. The men somehow found out that there was an imposter in the women group which was me. So we as a group decided to do something before they could find out who it was as I have become close to the women. This phase of the dream was the strangest as I was able to transport in and out of people at will. There was a time where I was in a real woman washing dishes. A black bodyguard came in to give me a body check as he became suspicious of me. Obviously I was a women inside and out and he got turned on as he felt me up. He started eating me out and I started to get turned on. He was about to fuck me from behind when a few samurai walked in. They started heading towards the two and I swooshed out from the girl and into someone else before they could kill me.
The rest of the dream consisted of a lot of people being killed and me transporting myself in and out of various people. At the end only four of us were left. We were trapped and at the end each and every one of us were slashed with a couple of necks cut off. At the end I was transported into a baby with a mental deficit disorder.
And that was the end of my long dream. This has to be one of the strangest dream I've ever had in my entire life.
My first dream sequence happened between the hours of midnight until 4am at which time I woke up to get a drink of water. In the dream, I was talking to two guys who apparently were i love with me. I needed both of them to help me with some kind of paper work. It was all in Japanese and was very intensive. They seemed to hate each other as they were rivals. I guess they both realized that I was taking advantage of them because here I am giving them orders to finish up quickly. So I decided to distract them by making them a home cooked meal. This seemed to do the trick and they continued to do the paper work. I started to worry that both of them were going to fall in love with one another and that my paper work wouldn't get done. I had chosen one of the guys to be my partner although the other one was cute as well. However the other one seemed to be the more charming one and I had my heart on him. But strangely enough the only thing that mattered was my paperwork.
At that time, I heard footsteps outside my entrance door. I knew they were coming to kill us although there was no reason to. So I made a quick escape through the balcony. I don't know what happened to them, but I was out of there and there was no turning back now. I woke up at 4am with my mouth totally dehydrated and in need of a glass of water.
I went back to sleep right after my drink and proceeded to dream some more.
The second episode lasted until 7:30. With no paperwork in hand, I was forced to look for an apartment. While looking for one, I accidently ran into one of the guys that I thought had died. He said that he doesn't blame me for running away and have an apartment set up for me. We went over to the apartment and I was upset to see the place small, dark and scary. It was also very dirty. He said that was all he could afford at the moment and promised me that we would move to a better place within a year. I had to think to myself if it was all worth it. Once again I hear footsteps outside the door and this time they got in before I could escape. They were a group of killer samurai. They took us away and we became their prisoners. Fortunately for me, one of the guys fell in love with me at first sight and he was able to save me. This however would created problems for him so I had to disguise myself as a woman.
I woke up at 7:30am shivering for some reason. I was so cold and thought something was wrong so used my thermometer to see what my temperature was. 35.6 degrees. What's wrong with me? I turned up the electric blanket and went back to sleep for the third time.
During the last phase, I was half asleep and half awake for most of the time. It was a restless phase and it seemed to make me more tired. The samurai them dominated the storyline. As a woman, my job was to use my power to gather all the women together to create a lavish dinner to poison the men. The men somehow found out that there was an imposter in the women group which was me. So we as a group decided to do something before they could find out who it was as I have become close to the women. This phase of the dream was the strangest as I was able to transport in and out of people at will. There was a time where I was in a real woman washing dishes. A black bodyguard came in to give me a body check as he became suspicious of me. Obviously I was a women inside and out and he got turned on as he felt me up. He started eating me out and I started to get turned on. He was about to fuck me from behind when a few samurai walked in. They started heading towards the two and I swooshed out from the girl and into someone else before they could kill me.
The rest of the dream consisted of a lot of people being killed and me transporting myself in and out of various people. At the end only four of us were left. We were trapped and at the end each and every one of us were slashed with a couple of necks cut off. At the end I was transported into a baby with a mental deficit disorder.
And that was the end of my long dream. This has to be one of the strangest dream I've ever had in my entire life.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Second Life Christmas Party
Everyone who is my friend is invited to my Christmas Party in Second Life. Here's a link if you haven't joined yet.
http://www.secondlife.com/?u=c0547162d90043f1a947a5c5e3a36624
Come on and meet me there!
http://www.secondlife.com/?u=c0547162d90043f1a947a5c5e3a36624
Come on and meet me there!
Xmas Tree
I finally got my Xmas tree up all decorated for the season last week. Yes it's time for my favorite season of the year! Why do I love the holiday season so much you ask? To sum up my feelings, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Strange I know but it just does. This year though, I have to admit that I'm enjoying it a lot different than previous years. I'm most likely not going to my friend's Christmas parties and I'm probably not going to have a party of any kind. Well, I think I might invite a few friends over that I consider to be family and make it a small and intimate affair. My Bell's Palsy still curses me with its unrelentlessness and I'm not confident enough to meet anyone else for yet. I have to decide soon though if I'm going to have any kind of party for myself.
My Christmas tree this year is decorated in purples and silvers this year. It's quite nice actually. My boyfriend and I wanted to do something more "mature" and "modern" this year with our decor. I can't say that it's all that modern, but at least it doesn't traditional. Today I'm going out to buy a pair of poinsettias to go with the tree.
I just got over a really bad cold and I'm still not fully recovered. I mean how many ailments can I get one after the other! I don't know how much more my body can handle all this! My diarrhea wouldn't stop for days and I felt drained and so out of it for a while there. Today I feel much better and hopefully my diarrhea has stopped. At least my appetite has returned.
Next week I really need to get a haircut. My hair is the longest it's been in a while. I haven't cut my hair for over 2 months now. Yeah it's getting out of control but with the way I feel right now, it kind of suits me I think. I like this disheveled look because that's the way I feel. With my hair cut and perfectly styled, it just doesn't feel right with my Bells Palsy and my ailments. hehe
My days are kind of lonely and I know it's all my fault. I've isolated myself from any kind of social life. But that's ok with me for now. Maybe I've had too much of a social life in the years past. Besides my friends will forgive me and hopefully will still love me after all this.
I miss my friends. I miss my life. I miss my face.
Oh, did I say I want to have a Christmas Party in Second Life? Everybody's invited!!! The only requirement is to JOIN second life and to become a FREE member!!! I mean it's FREE for god's sake! However I would recommend getting a new shape, skin, hair and clothes for the party, which are NOT free but can be had for a very little amount. If you don't know what I'm talking about, just look for me IN WORLD. By the way, my Second Life avatar name is Shinichi Mathy. Yeah I look perfect in SECOND LIFE!!! Yeah right!
My Christmas tree this year is decorated in purples and silvers this year. It's quite nice actually. My boyfriend and I wanted to do something more "mature" and "modern" this year with our decor. I can't say that it's all that modern, but at least it doesn't traditional. Today I'm going out to buy a pair of poinsettias to go with the tree.
I just got over a really bad cold and I'm still not fully recovered. I mean how many ailments can I get one after the other! I don't know how much more my body can handle all this! My diarrhea wouldn't stop for days and I felt drained and so out of it for a while there. Today I feel much better and hopefully my diarrhea has stopped. At least my appetite has returned.
Next week I really need to get a haircut. My hair is the longest it's been in a while. I haven't cut my hair for over 2 months now. Yeah it's getting out of control but with the way I feel right now, it kind of suits me I think. I like this disheveled look because that's the way I feel. With my hair cut and perfectly styled, it just doesn't feel right with my Bells Palsy and my ailments. hehe
My days are kind of lonely and I know it's all my fault. I've isolated myself from any kind of social life. But that's ok with me for now. Maybe I've had too much of a social life in the years past. Besides my friends will forgive me and hopefully will still love me after all this.
I miss my friends. I miss my life. I miss my face.
Oh, did I say I want to have a Christmas Party in Second Life? Everybody's invited!!! The only requirement is to JOIN second life and to become a FREE member!!! I mean it's FREE for god's sake! However I would recommend getting a new shape, skin, hair and clothes for the party, which are NOT free but can be had for a very little amount. If you don't know what I'm talking about, just look for me IN WORLD. By the way, my Second Life avatar name is Shinichi Mathy. Yeah I look perfect in SECOND LIFE!!! Yeah right!
Sunday, November 25, 2007
It's been a while
Wow didn't realize how long I haven't been updating my blog. I've been busy getting back to work slowly and I also started working out a bit. I still get tired easily but my Bell's Palsy side of my face has improved! I'm very happy as I can now smile a bit and I look like I have some sort of expression other than angry! I also noticed this morning that my ear ringing has sort of improved and it's slowly getting back to normal. Wow, this is all great for me and I couldn't be happier. I did come down with a bad cold last night and don't feel too well, but hey I'm still happy!
I'll be heading to Los Angeles this year as I finally got my tickets! Yay! I finished reserving my hotel rooms and by then, my Bell's Palsy should have improved a bit more. I'm really excited and I'm ready to have a good time.
I started learning how to create and design clothes in Second Life although I'm far from good. It's so difficult learning how to use photoshop! Man, can anyone help me out there? Well, that's my new project and although it's hard work, I'm going to do it! Bought tons of books on the subject, got a brand new computer and cleaned my desk so that I can get to work easily everyday. Wish me luck everyone!
Everyone out there, if you'd like to get to know me, I recommend you get into Second Life yourself and look for me! My name in Second Life is Shinichi Mathy so make a search for me and IM me in-world.
I know it's late but happy belated Thanksgiving Day everyone!
I'll be heading to Los Angeles this year as I finally got my tickets! Yay! I finished reserving my hotel rooms and by then, my Bell's Palsy should have improved a bit more. I'm really excited and I'm ready to have a good time.
I started learning how to create and design clothes in Second Life although I'm far from good. It's so difficult learning how to use photoshop! Man, can anyone help me out there? Well, that's my new project and although it's hard work, I'm going to do it! Bought tons of books on the subject, got a brand new computer and cleaned my desk so that I can get to work easily everyday. Wish me luck everyone!
Everyone out there, if you'd like to get to know me, I recommend you get into Second Life yourself and look for me! My name in Second Life is Shinichi Mathy so make a search for me and IM me in-world.
I know it's late but happy belated Thanksgiving Day everyone!
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
A good Monday
The weather was nice today. Sunny and cool with a slight breeze. Well, I didn't appreciate the breeze because the wind hurts my eyes these days. You know, my Bell's Palsy keep my eyes wide open and I always manage to get some debris in them just walking along the street!
Well, I got up at a normal hour today. The repairman was coming over to fix our gas controls because hot water was not coming out. Well, it would cost us around 25000yen to replace the control. However his recommendation was to replace the entire gas machine or whatever you call that thing since that machine apparently is nearing its life on earth. Well that's not going to happen anytime soon because that, he said, would cost about 450,000yen not including labor!
Okay, got that out of the way. Next, I went to buy my mother some other things to send her. She loves dried sweet potatoes which only is available during fall. I also purchased some dried azuki beans which she loves. I went to the post office to send it and watched another DVD. This one I didn't cry as much and that's a good thing. My eyes were getting too puffy crying from the other one. Okay, I don't need to get any uglier...geeeeesh!
For lunch, I made a tuna salad and for dinner I cooked a pretty good oden, which is a Japanese stew. It's wonderful and warming during the colder season.
I worked a bit and now I'm relaxing with a diet coke. The time now...12:30AM!
Well, I got up at a normal hour today. The repairman was coming over to fix our gas controls because hot water was not coming out. Well, it would cost us around 25000yen to replace the control. However his recommendation was to replace the entire gas machine or whatever you call that thing since that machine apparently is nearing its life on earth. Well that's not going to happen anytime soon because that, he said, would cost about 450,000yen not including labor!
Okay, got that out of the way. Next, I went to buy my mother some other things to send her. She loves dried sweet potatoes which only is available during fall. I also purchased some dried azuki beans which she loves. I went to the post office to send it and watched another DVD. This one I didn't cry as much and that's a good thing. My eyes were getting too puffy crying from the other one. Okay, I don't need to get any uglier...geeeeesh!
For lunch, I made a tuna salad and for dinner I cooked a pretty good oden, which is a Japanese stew. It's wonderful and warming during the colder season.
I worked a bit and now I'm relaxing with a diet coke. The time now...12:30AM!
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Where am I going?
These days I have a lot of time on my hands. One reason is that I'm not really working right now. My days usually consist of waking up and eating, doing some yoga at home and grocery shopping before my evening starts. My evenings are spent eating dinner alone with a DVD, spending some time on the internet before getting ready to sleep. So this is how my life has been for the past 6 weeks or so. I'm not sure if it's because I'm depressed or just that I'm lazy. I know the Bell's Palsy started this endless cycle of lazy days doing nothing. I wanted to make sure I got a lot of rest so that I could recover as quickly as I could.
On the weekends, I do stuff with boyfriend. It's easier to do things when you have someone next to you when you are partially handicapped or feel like on at least. I feel secure in knowing that I can depend on him to get me an ambulance if anything unusual happens. Yeah, I know, it's all in my mind as usual, but that's just me these days.
I realize it's the end of the year and we're just a few days away from November. I'm thinking of taking a vacation in December to LA with my boyfriend, although it's difficult trying to get tickets. So far, no luck and the ones that are available are just too expensive. I am looking forward to that. I was going to visit Hawaii but no luck with tickets. So instead, LA seemed like the next best thing.
So until a few days ago, I was really getting psyched about going to LA because it's one of my favorite cities and I haven't been there in a while. I wanted to visit Disneyland again and go shopping on Melrose Avenue and eat a hot dog from Pinkies. Then all of a sudden today< I thought to myself...what's the use? After I go to LA, what comes after that? What awaits me when I get back to Tokyo?
I feel as though I don't really know where I'm going and I'm at a crossroad with a big stop sign. So I'm standing there and don't really know which way I should be going. I am stuck. My engines have stopped running. My legs are deep in quicksand. What now? What next? Where do I do from here?
After 41 years, I still don't have the answers. Christmas is right around the corner and guess what? No big deal!!! It's just another holiday! I used to look forward to the holiday season. All of a sudden, this year, I feel no excitement. Nothing. Nada.
Why? Why? Why? I don't know why. Maybe it's all the movies I've been watching on DVD. They're all kind of dark and depressing and complicated. Maybe the DVDs are starting to affect me. I don't know. Whatever...I just hope that tomorrow I wake up with some sort of direction because I really don't like where I am right now.
On the weekends, I do stuff with boyfriend. It's easier to do things when you have someone next to you when you are partially handicapped or feel like on at least. I feel secure in knowing that I can depend on him to get me an ambulance if anything unusual happens. Yeah, I know, it's all in my mind as usual, but that's just me these days.
I realize it's the end of the year and we're just a few days away from November. I'm thinking of taking a vacation in December to LA with my boyfriend, although it's difficult trying to get tickets. So far, no luck and the ones that are available are just too expensive. I am looking forward to that. I was going to visit Hawaii but no luck with tickets. So instead, LA seemed like the next best thing.
So until a few days ago, I was really getting psyched about going to LA because it's one of my favorite cities and I haven't been there in a while. I wanted to visit Disneyland again and go shopping on Melrose Avenue and eat a hot dog from Pinkies. Then all of a sudden today< I thought to myself...what's the use? After I go to LA, what comes after that? What awaits me when I get back to Tokyo?
I feel as though I don't really know where I'm going and I'm at a crossroad with a big stop sign. So I'm standing there and don't really know which way I should be going. I am stuck. My engines have stopped running. My legs are deep in quicksand. What now? What next? Where do I do from here?
After 41 years, I still don't have the answers. Christmas is right around the corner and guess what? No big deal!!! It's just another holiday! I used to look forward to the holiday season. All of a sudden, this year, I feel no excitement. Nothing. Nada.
Why? Why? Why? I don't know why. Maybe it's all the movies I've been watching on DVD. They're all kind of dark and depressing and complicated. Maybe the DVDs are starting to affect me. I don't know. Whatever...I just hope that tomorrow I wake up with some sort of direction because I really don't like where I am right now.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Reasons
This year has not been good to me. However I always try to find the positives in everything. There must be a reason why I suffer from massive panic attacks that feel like a heart attack and my face is half paralyzed. There just has to be.
I'm thinking that God is testing me. Maybe I've been really selfish and not considerate enough towards other people. I know for sure, that's the reason why I have panic attacks. Well, at least that's what I'd like to believe because that makes it easier for me to endure them. Yes, I now understand what people with panic attacks go through and I can relate from the bottom of my heart. I used to think that it was all in the head, but now I know most of the time you can't really do anything about it. It just comes unexpectedly at the most inconvenient of times.
Now for the facial paralysis, I have no explanation except that it makes me think twice when I look at people with a droopy face. Instead of thinking they're mentally retarded or handicapped, I know that maybe they just have Bell's Palsy. Now I know that their mental capacity might be absolutely normal. I mean I sort of look retarded with my lop-sided face so I know that people might think I'm sort of stupid. So that may be the reason...to help me relate to people with facial paralysis.
All in all, the reason for all these things happening to me is most likely because I need to start appreciating what I have. That happiness doesn't depend on material things and beauty. It's what's inside that really counts.
Do I believe that? Hmm...you tell me.
I'm thinking that God is testing me. Maybe I've been really selfish and not considerate enough towards other people. I know for sure, that's the reason why I have panic attacks. Well, at least that's what I'd like to believe because that makes it easier for me to endure them. Yes, I now understand what people with panic attacks go through and I can relate from the bottom of my heart. I used to think that it was all in the head, but now I know most of the time you can't really do anything about it. It just comes unexpectedly at the most inconvenient of times.
Now for the facial paralysis, I have no explanation except that it makes me think twice when I look at people with a droopy face. Instead of thinking they're mentally retarded or handicapped, I know that maybe they just have Bell's Palsy. Now I know that their mental capacity might be absolutely normal. I mean I sort of look retarded with my lop-sided face so I know that people might think I'm sort of stupid. So that may be the reason...to help me relate to people with facial paralysis.
All in all, the reason for all these things happening to me is most likely because I need to start appreciating what I have. That happiness doesn't depend on material things and beauty. It's what's inside that really counts.
Do I believe that? Hmm...you tell me.
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