Life goes on

Yes life does go on even when you think you won't be able to survive another single day.
I realize this time and time again. After five days after my breakup with my affair, I feel so much better and once again, reminded of the fact that all things happen for a reason.

When I look back and try analyzing my relationship with the guy I had an affair with, I realized why I felt so sad. I really don't like the word "sad" because it doesn't even begin to describe what I went through. Anyway, this is one of the big reasons why I felt so depressed.

One of my friends last night told me that maybe, one of the reasons why I was so depressed was the fact that maybe, it was because I was tired of trying over and over again. This was partly true I guess. It all has to do with love, or my personal perception of it.

When I first met the guy, I felt alone and unhappy with my current boyfriend for the longest time. In fact, my friends and I had to go drinking once a week to get really wasted. I also went to the clubs on a regular basis, while doing tequila shots with my buddies. I also had a lot of random sex with strangers on a regular basis. I realized I must be unhappy. But at that time, I just told myself that this was the kind of relationship I was in and that, most relationships are like this and that I shouldn't expect so much. I thought that this was a mature relationship and that all relationships are like mine, one with no passion and sparks. So everytime I met someone who would tell me that they are looking for that one perfect person that fills their lives with love and happiness, I thought in my head, "that's a load of bull"! I learned to love my boyfriend the best way I can and I threw all my expectations out the window.

Then when the other guy came into my life, he brought out feelings that I forgot I still had. I started to get scared because these were the feelings that I was scared of. He started to peel off my protective skin that wraps around my heart layer by layer, and I guess I let him. I was happy to know that I could still feel that way and once again, I believed all the promises that came pouring out of his heart.

Once the relationship started deteriorating and ended up with the breakup recently, I realized that maybe, this kind of person who makes me feel this way, is not a good kind of love. I have felt this way with a person maybe 3 times in my lifetime. The results were always fatal and I always felt that things couldn't get any worse. The feeling is like this. I feel loved and protected. I feel as if I'm treasured and that nothing can make me feel sad anymore. This is how I felt with him and those 3 guys in my past. So it's quite clear why I felt so sad after the breakup. Suddenly, I didn't feel so safe and protected, treasured and loved.

Sure, my boyfriend loves me in his own special way. But he's a realist and sometimes too real. He always seems to come first in his life. He never surprises me with small gifts. He never looked into my eyes to tell me that he loved me. He wanted to keep our lives separate and individual. It was all fine really, until the other guy showed up. I guess he gave me what I needed that my boyfriend couldn't give me. It was like he completed me.

The fact that I could feel that special kind of love that I thought I'd lost. The realization that I wanted to feel like that and I wanted someone to take care of me in that way. The realization that I felt sad and lonely with my current boyfriend. The fact that I had to tell him about this affair so we could somehow improve the situation.

I did tell my boyfriend about it and why I got involved in the first place. My boyfriend, with no change in his expression, said that he was sorry and that it was partly his fault. No drama, no emotions, nothing. My friend once told me that he probably feels many things inside. He just isn't the type to show it. I guess that may be true.

I just hope that things will keep improving with my boyfriend. I'm sure this was a good thing that happened. Maybe we both needed this event to take place, in order to move our relationship forward and into a better place. My protective shell is back in place now, I can feel it back where it belongs. Safe inside where no one can get to it. This is where is should stay for now.

Yes life goes on. I'm back to Second Life as well. My friends are still there and my best friend Jeckie came back on after some absence so I'm really happy about that. I guess our friendship developed because we both gave love to one another without expecting anything in return. We were both there for each other when we needed them to be. She did alot for me while not expecting anything in return. I guess that's what real friends do. And she has won my loyalty that way. I'm thankful to have her in my life.

Today I will go shopping with my boyfriend. I bought a nice pair of shoes and a shirt yesterday. Today we will go to a wine shop to buy a few bottles of good wine. My friends are coming over sometime this week.

How do I feel today? I guess I feel thankful for what I have.

Oh, I decided not to buy anymore potato chips for a while. I think I had enough chips to last me 5 years.