Third post of the day

It's almost 11pm over here where I live. I literally couldn't do anything today except eat and watch Desperate Housewives all day. I'm depressed and it all feels like a dream. It's like you're in this half-awake state all day because everything's all blurry and all I wanted to happen was for time to go by faster. The minutes were ticking by so slowly and it's been a long and lousy day for me. I don't feel like logging into Second Life. I don't feel like working. I don't feel like doing anything except taking a sleeping pill and zonking out. The problem is I don't have any in my apartment. I went to buy a bottle of wine and had a couple of sips but decided it was better not to drown my sorrows with alcohol. It was tempting but I'm not going down that road.

I just finished reading through my blog from the past year to see if I could find some answers to my present situation. I think the problem was that I was living a fantasy life for an entire year. Yes, I was! So many things spun out of control. I think I ran myself into a big and busy rut! I avoided the consequences of my actions for the longest time and it has finally resulted in me hitting a brick wall.

I've been in denial for more than a year now. I had been filled with fear and guilt with a dash of shame. Juggling so many things in my life and trying to be so many things to different people finally caught up with me. I started to forget who I am. So I ran away to a world called Second Life, where I didn't have all those problems. I was free and happy there. Now, even that's not enough to save me.

Last night, I finally had to face up to one of the biggest problems in my life. For an entire year, I had another boyfriend. This guy knew I had a boyfriend and it started out as a way to spice up my life. I was bored and unhappy at that time and it just happened. Things got out of hand and I didn't know what to do about it. Come to think of it, I still don't know how it got so out of control. I think somewhere along the way, I started to fall for this guy. I finally ended it last night and although I feel really sad about it, I know it was the right thing to do. But the thing is, the pain I feel is just as painful as my past breakups. I mean how can this be? I'm with my boyfriend of 7 years. I'm pretty sure I love this guy. But right now, I'm just devestated about breaking up with this other one that lasted a year. Fuck, I am so fucked up! Yeah I know I should be posting this in my Secret Garden section but I think I need to confess here as it's pretty obvious I've been in denial for such a long time about this. I am so fucked up and I need to fix my life one step at a time.

I remember a friend of mine told me that I was fucked up about 20 years ago. Well, he was right about that. I know that a year from now, I will look back at all of this and say, "wow I was really fucked up then". Well, I kind of wish it was next year already!

Well, I made my mess and I have to clean it up. I think I will start to clean my apartment tomorrow. I will do some yoga and maybe I should take up jogging or something. I need to clear my mind and remove clutter from my life. I feel the need to simplify things just like a friend in Second Life told me to. I want to wake up tomorrow feeling better than I feel today. Tomorrow my friend will come over for drinks. I already made plans to meet some others next week. I will also try to work on my relationship with my boyfriend of 7 years. Yes, I did tell him about the affair, not including all the tiny details. I did tell him that I was very unhappy at the time. He also told me that he understood and that he is partly to blame for all of this and he actually said thanks for choosing him in the end.

He is a really good guy, my boyfriend. Now I just need to talk things out with him so this doesn't happen ever again. My mother will be here in a few weeks. I want to be happy when she's here. She doesn't need to see all the drama in my life.