Where am I going?

These days I have a lot of time on my hands. One reason is that I'm not really working right now. My days usually consist of waking up and eating, doing some yoga at home and grocery shopping before my evening starts. My evenings are spent eating dinner alone with a DVD, spending some time on the internet before getting ready to sleep. So this is how my life has been for the past 6 weeks or so. I'm not sure if it's because I'm depressed or just that I'm lazy. I know the Bell's Palsy started this endless cycle of lazy days doing nothing. I wanted to make sure I got a lot of rest so that I could recover as quickly as I could.

On the weekends, I do stuff with boyfriend. It's easier to do things when you have someone next to you when you are partially handicapped or feel like on at least. I feel secure in knowing that I can depend on him to get me an ambulance if anything unusual happens. Yeah, I know, it's all in my mind as usual, but that's just me these days.

I realize it's the end of the year and we're just a few days away from November. I'm thinking of taking a vacation in December to LA with my boyfriend, although it's difficult trying to get tickets. So far, no luck and the ones that are available are just too expensive. I am looking forward to that. I was going to visit Hawaii but no luck with tickets. So instead, LA seemed like the next best thing.

So until a few days ago, I was really getting psyched about going to LA because it's one of my favorite cities and I haven't been there in a while. I wanted to visit Disneyland again and go shopping on Melrose Avenue and eat a hot dog from Pinkies. Then all of a sudden today< I thought to myself...what's the use? After I go to LA, what comes after that? What awaits me when I get back to Tokyo?

I feel as though I don't really know where I'm going and I'm at a crossroad with a big stop sign. So I'm standing there and don't really know which way I should be going. I am stuck. My engines have stopped running. My legs are deep in quicksand. What now? What next? Where do I do from here?

After 41 years, I still don't have the answers. Christmas is right around the corner and guess what? No big deal!!! It's just another holiday! I used to look forward to the holiday season. All of a sudden, this year, I feel no excitement. Nothing. Nada.

Why? Why? Why? I don't know why. Maybe it's all the movies I've been watching on DVD. They're all kind of dark and depressing and complicated. Maybe the DVDs are starting to affect me. I don't know. Whatever...I just hope that tomorrow I wake up with some sort of direction because I really don't like where I am right now.