It's Sunday night and my partner is cooking dinner for me. Sunday is his night to work in the kitchen to create something tasty for us to enjoy. I usually take my dog for his walk and then come home to work out or work on my computer while he's cooking. He is in the kitchen for a couple of hours as he likes to drink beer while slowly cutting, slicing, sauteing and stirring sauces while he contemplates life or something. At least that's what I think he does. Well, he basically takes forever, but he's enjoying himself and that's always a good thing.
You know, my partner and I have been together for 10 years now and that's the longest relationship I've been in. Amazingly, we still have sex once a week and it's usually on a Saturday. Sex is good and honestly, it's better now than it was 5 years ago and that's also a good thing.
My health seems to be improving since I stopped relying on the doctors to somehow cure me. I just realized that in the end, I'm the one that's responsible for my own health and that's that. Even when I feel bad, there are always two ways to look at it. One, I can just feel really bad and think to myself that this is really bad and terrible and why is God putting me through these irritating tests of endurance? Or two, I can think to myself that it's just some sort of healt "blip" and I trust my body to get through it and all I have to do is wait for a bit and all will be ok. Yeah, it sounds simple but it's bloody hard to do. However it works and I've been doing this for awhile and I notice that I feel more confident. My panic attacks are getting less frequent and I am not too afraid of getting on trains like I used to be. The latest event happened today going on a train. As soon as my partner told me it is the express train, for some reasons I started to panic. My hands got cold and clammy, my heart beating quick, and the inside of my brains started to become confused. That's the only way I can describe it. I persuaded him to wait for the local train and we ended up getting off after one station. I eventually succumbed to taking my medication(which I'm trying not to rely on too much), and after about 15 minutes, I felt better. We made it all the way and that was a good thing. Sounds really bad but really, I've had worse and more intence episodes so this was nothing really. It was just a "blip" in my daily radar and that is all. No big deal. I'm handling it the best I can and there is nothing I can do about it. I believe it's going to all go away one of these days and that's always a good thing.
For lunch, we had ramen again. Miso ramen that's famous in Hokkaido. Really good food I tell you. My partner has gotten me hooked on ramen noodles and every weekend, we go and try and new restaurant to eat those damn tasty noodles. That's a good thing too.
My dinner is ready now. Curry.! Always a good thing!
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Sunday, February 07, 2010
Just babbling
Last week it snowed suddenly and I was pleasantly surprised. For the past two years, Tokyo has had no snow and I start to miss it after two years of absence. A couple of my friends and I went to see a movie and had dinner afterwards. It was not that cold when we went to see the movie. After the dinner however when we were about to leave the restaurtant, the waiter told us to take care as there was a blizzard outside. Of course I thought he was just kidding. However when we got out of the restaurant, there really was a blizzard and it was freezing!
We decided to go for just one drink. It was fun, but mostly we spent that 30 minutes looking through GRINDR on my iphone. We decided to go home before it started to snow harder because the train sometimes have to stop. On the way home though, it was so cold that I actually had to stop inside a 7 Eleven
to get myself warm. I was really cold and thought I would die or something. Yes, I hate cold weather and I despise freezing temperatures. My body was NOT made to withstand freezing temperatures and I believe that my blood would probably freeze up if I had to stay outside for more than 20 minutes.
It was nice though and the next morning, although it was a nice day, the snow remained on the rooftops of houses and on the street corners of the city. The temperature remained extremely cold. Now just to let you know almost a week has passed and it is still absolutely freezing here.
The weather forecast says that next week should bring just a tad more warmer temperatures. I really hope so as I am about to run off to Hawaii if this continues any longer.
Today I got to thinking about my life again. Just thinking back on how dramatic it has been. I used to think my life would be less dramatic and more "normal", whatever "normal" might be. I always felt as I was living two lives.I probably could fill two lives if I wanted to I guess. I never thought of my life that way until people started to tell me that my life was so dramatic. Sure it was.....I just never really thought much about it. I mean I did think about it. I was just too busy trying to get used to my life and all the drama that was happening.
I think about it now and it is true that I have less drama. This does not mean my life is boring.
My childhood had its ups and downs, but mostly downs and sometimes down to the pits of hell. The past doesn't really phase me anymore and I think I've dealt with my personal issues a long time ago. I remember a time when I really despised my father, could not wait to move away from my mother, questioned my parent's lives, and all my past ex-boyfriends that I thought were all assholes. I really don't remember much about my childhood. Some things I remember are just random things such as a butterfly I tried to catch with my bare hands, the taste of strawberry milk when I was 4 or 5, and trying to eat snow.
Anyway, why am I thinking about all this now? Well, it's probably because of the recent conversation I had with my sister when she was visiting last year. We talked a lot and because we live in different countries and far away from each other, we really had to catch up with each other. We ended up telling each other's dirty secrets and that opened up a big box of secret treasures to share with each other.
My sister was shocked at some of the things I've been through and visa versa. I realized that we both experienced a lot of pain during our childhood and we both think it's a miracle we are what we are today. It's quite amazing that we didn't turn out fucked up or something. My sister is still dealing with her personal issues regarding our mom and dad. I think we both have gotten better at dealing with those issues. I know I have as i no longer hold any resentment towards anyone. I have questions for sure. I wish I could come right out and ask my mother or my dad why they did certain things and what was going on in their heads then. Yes, I still do not understand and neither does my sister. My sister though, has decided to avoid the past and has kept her feelings behind closed doors. I guess I've done the same thing...I'm just not sure anymore because when I think about it and talk about it, I do start to get bad feelings. Does this mean that I have issues that I still need to confront? Or is this all normal...hmmmm.....I'm just not sure anymore.
Again, why am I thinking about all this at this point in my life? I don't know the answer to that either. I just thought about it today and felt the need to get this down on virtual paper I suppose. I sometimes wonder if I went to a psychiatrist like a lot of Americans do, that would help me a happier person. I don't know about that either because I did go to one a couple of times and I actually felt like I was wasting my time and my money. It was not as if she did anything or told me anything that actually helped. All she does is nod and look at me with understanding eyes and after about 25 minutes, she says, " I really think we should continue these sessions for awhile and would you like to make your next reservation?" I swear, I've never had such an unsatisfying feeling in my life. Even bad sex is better than this, I thought. Well, this was 2 years ago and seriously, I think I'm doing fine without her services thank you.
I used to have a website which I started 12 years ago. It was called Shinichi's World. How vain can I be right? It was started by myself as self therapy as I was going through some sort of mid-life crisis because I was extremely unhappy even though I had a partner that I loved. I used to write details about my past and other juicy details including sex life and whatever. I really used that website to its full extent for the benefit of my self therapy. The reason I stopped that website was because of the rediculous popularity it had become,
it had actually been introduced in a gay magazine twice! I was asked by an Australian researcher to be interviewed and also asked to be in a documentary about Japanese gays. People used to come up to me at the airport or in the meat section of the grocery store asking me if I was "Shinichi". After awhile, I started to become self-consious and I became scared to pick my nose in public in fear of it being seen by someone who "knew" me. Those people who would see me would report their findings on another website where people go to gossip. I hated that and although I only read it once because someone told me about it, the last straw was when a picture of my face was attached to a body that was sucking a cock. Yes, it looked quite natural and I had to think about it and wondered if it truly was me in that picture giving head to some guy. I looked quite happy doing it but believe me, I would remember something like that. hahaha
Some good things did come out of starting that website. I've made very good friends through some sort of connection through that website. I've released all my issues on that website and gradually became a happier person. I've also learned that it's actually kind of nice to have people knowing everything about you. I mean, but the time I meet someone, they know all about my life including how I like to have sex.
Now I have a blog. It's easier to manage and much easier to update. It's absolutely free! I'm sure there are many more benefits to blogging. I still do write about my secrets here and most of my friends and family know about it. My mother could not accept it at first, but it's something I feel I need to do. This blog is where I can totally be open. It's where I can be sad or angry, happy or horny...repentant or a bitch. Things that I would normally keep to myself or not meant for conversation at dinner.
I remember some stranger asked me whether I'm still agry or sad about something. I had absolutely no idea what the guy was talking about. The fact is that I write when I feel the need to write and this is when I'm usually feeling something. I'm sure everyone is temporarily upset about something during some point in their lives and the only difference is that I write all this here. So it sort of stays here forever and I guess if you read the post about "an upsetting day", you could imagine me being a very upset person. Nah, I'm actually a happy guy and don't let small stuff bother me. You can ask all my friends and they'll tell you I'm normally in a good mood. :)
I'm babbling again and once I do that, I can go on and on. I will decide to stop now because it's 1 AM. I've washed my face and brushed my teeth already...yep...all done. I'm ready to go to bed. When I wake up, my partner should be home from work. He's working overnight on a Saturday and he's coming home in the morning. Tomorrow's my birthday party with my friends. I've dieted all day today so I feel thinner. Now only if I didn't mess up my hair yesterday. I had it colored this horrible color! My hairstylist said he wasn't feeling well and got the colors wrong. Oh well. stuff happens right! I'm sure my friends would still love me with terrible hair. :)
Good night
We decided to go for just one drink. It was fun, but mostly we spent that 30 minutes looking through GRINDR on my iphone. We decided to go home before it started to snow harder because the train sometimes have to stop. On the way home though, it was so cold that I actually had to stop inside a 7 Eleven
to get myself warm. I was really cold and thought I would die or something. Yes, I hate cold weather and I despise freezing temperatures. My body was NOT made to withstand freezing temperatures and I believe that my blood would probably freeze up if I had to stay outside for more than 20 minutes.
It was nice though and the next morning, although it was a nice day, the snow remained on the rooftops of houses and on the street corners of the city. The temperature remained extremely cold. Now just to let you know almost a week has passed and it is still absolutely freezing here.
The weather forecast says that next week should bring just a tad more warmer temperatures. I really hope so as I am about to run off to Hawaii if this continues any longer.
Today I got to thinking about my life again. Just thinking back on how dramatic it has been. I used to think my life would be less dramatic and more "normal", whatever "normal" might be. I always felt as I was living two lives.I probably could fill two lives if I wanted to I guess. I never thought of my life that way until people started to tell me that my life was so dramatic. Sure it was.....I just never really thought much about it. I mean I did think about it. I was just too busy trying to get used to my life and all the drama that was happening.
I think about it now and it is true that I have less drama. This does not mean my life is boring.
My childhood had its ups and downs, but mostly downs and sometimes down to the pits of hell. The past doesn't really phase me anymore and I think I've dealt with my personal issues a long time ago. I remember a time when I really despised my father, could not wait to move away from my mother, questioned my parent's lives, and all my past ex-boyfriends that I thought were all assholes. I really don't remember much about my childhood. Some things I remember are just random things such as a butterfly I tried to catch with my bare hands, the taste of strawberry milk when I was 4 or 5, and trying to eat snow.
Anyway, why am I thinking about all this now? Well, it's probably because of the recent conversation I had with my sister when she was visiting last year. We talked a lot and because we live in different countries and far away from each other, we really had to catch up with each other. We ended up telling each other's dirty secrets and that opened up a big box of secret treasures to share with each other.
My sister was shocked at some of the things I've been through and visa versa. I realized that we both experienced a lot of pain during our childhood and we both think it's a miracle we are what we are today. It's quite amazing that we didn't turn out fucked up or something. My sister is still dealing with her personal issues regarding our mom and dad. I think we both have gotten better at dealing with those issues. I know I have as i no longer hold any resentment towards anyone. I have questions for sure. I wish I could come right out and ask my mother or my dad why they did certain things and what was going on in their heads then. Yes, I still do not understand and neither does my sister. My sister though, has decided to avoid the past and has kept her feelings behind closed doors. I guess I've done the same thing...I'm just not sure anymore because when I think about it and talk about it, I do start to get bad feelings. Does this mean that I have issues that I still need to confront? Or is this all normal...hmmmm.....I'm just not sure anymore.
Again, why am I thinking about all this at this point in my life? I don't know the answer to that either. I just thought about it today and felt the need to get this down on virtual paper I suppose. I sometimes wonder if I went to a psychiatrist like a lot of Americans do, that would help me a happier person. I don't know about that either because I did go to one a couple of times and I actually felt like I was wasting my time and my money. It was not as if she did anything or told me anything that actually helped. All she does is nod and look at me with understanding eyes and after about 25 minutes, she says, " I really think we should continue these sessions for awhile and would you like to make your next reservation?" I swear, I've never had such an unsatisfying feeling in my life. Even bad sex is better than this, I thought. Well, this was 2 years ago and seriously, I think I'm doing fine without her services thank you.
I used to have a website which I started 12 years ago. It was called Shinichi's World. How vain can I be right? It was started by myself as self therapy as I was going through some sort of mid-life crisis because I was extremely unhappy even though I had a partner that I loved. I used to write details about my past and other juicy details including sex life and whatever. I really used that website to its full extent for the benefit of my self therapy. The reason I stopped that website was because of the rediculous popularity it had become,
it had actually been introduced in a gay magazine twice! I was asked by an Australian researcher to be interviewed and also asked to be in a documentary about Japanese gays. People used to come up to me at the airport or in the meat section of the grocery store asking me if I was "Shinichi". After awhile, I started to become self-consious and I became scared to pick my nose in public in fear of it being seen by someone who "knew" me. Those people who would see me would report their findings on another website where people go to gossip. I hated that and although I only read it once because someone told me about it, the last straw was when a picture of my face was attached to a body that was sucking a cock. Yes, it looked quite natural and I had to think about it and wondered if it truly was me in that picture giving head to some guy. I looked quite happy doing it but believe me, I would remember something like that. hahaha
Some good things did come out of starting that website. I've made very good friends through some sort of connection through that website. I've released all my issues on that website and gradually became a happier person. I've also learned that it's actually kind of nice to have people knowing everything about you. I mean, but the time I meet someone, they know all about my life including how I like to have sex.
Now I have a blog. It's easier to manage and much easier to update. It's absolutely free! I'm sure there are many more benefits to blogging. I still do write about my secrets here and most of my friends and family know about it. My mother could not accept it at first, but it's something I feel I need to do. This blog is where I can totally be open. It's where I can be sad or angry, happy or horny...repentant or a bitch. Things that I would normally keep to myself or not meant for conversation at dinner.
I remember some stranger asked me whether I'm still agry or sad about something. I had absolutely no idea what the guy was talking about. The fact is that I write when I feel the need to write and this is when I'm usually feeling something. I'm sure everyone is temporarily upset about something during some point in their lives and the only difference is that I write all this here. So it sort of stays here forever and I guess if you read the post about "an upsetting day", you could imagine me being a very upset person. Nah, I'm actually a happy guy and don't let small stuff bother me. You can ask all my friends and they'll tell you I'm normally in a good mood. :)
I'm babbling again and once I do that, I can go on and on. I will decide to stop now because it's 1 AM. I've washed my face and brushed my teeth already...yep...all done. I'm ready to go to bed. When I wake up, my partner should be home from work. He's working overnight on a Saturday and he's coming home in the morning. Tomorrow's my birthday party with my friends. I've dieted all day today so I feel thinner. Now only if I didn't mess up my hair yesterday. I had it colored this horrible color! My hairstylist said he wasn't feeling well and got the colors wrong. Oh well. stuff happens right! I'm sure my friends would still love me with terrible hair. :)
Good night
Friday, February 05, 2010
Monday, February 01, 2010
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