second life christmas

Picture outside my apartment.

Some gifts from friends.

My wreath

A painting done by one of my very good friends.


Undies and bracelet from Domch.

Necklace and antler ears from Domch.

My Christmas Tree, a gift from Almasy

Year's end and reflecting on the year

Well 3 days until Christmas...yippee!!! Nah, actually that was so fake. It's more like Christmas will be here in 3 days and so what. Not being negative or anything like that. This year's been tough and to tell you the truth, I'm just happy to be alive. I've finally been able to function sort of normally these couple of days. I've met someone online and he's been helping me with my panic attacks. In fact, I think he's been more of a help than any doctors I've seen in the past. I truly appreciate his help.

My boyfriend made me truly upset right before the holidays so maybe that's one reasons why I'm not really looking forward to xmas. But hey, some things can't be helped I guess. I'm really too tired to deal with it and I have too many things to concentrate on other than his insensitivity. I still love him and that's all that matters.

By the way, our Christmas tree this year is purple and it's beautiful. The tree has all these purple balls in various sizes and designs. Some are shiny and the others are matte. A silver ribbon circles the entire tree and a few white poinsettias to add some other color. Looking at the tree reminds me of my life this year. So many ups and downs, bright and happy times, dull and painful days...my year in a nutshell.

However once again, all these things have proven to me once again that the human spirit is strong. My friends are genuine and I'm so lucky to have them in my life. My mother and sister care about me and I'm fortunate to still have them with me. My boyfriend who, try as he might, disappoints me on a regular basis and he loves me the best way he knows how. Life sucked big time for me this year. However I'm fortunate to still be here and life can be good.

Merry Christmas

a very long night

Oh my God, I just woke up. Well to tell you the truth, I actually woke up a number of times and it was just such a strange evening. I slept pretty early at 12 midnight. I was extremely tired because I've been out all day and had a slight cold. I fell asleep almost immediately and started to dream a very long dream that continued all the way until I woke up.

My first dream sequence happened between the hours of midnight until 4am at which time I woke up to get a drink of water. In the dream, I was talking to two guys who apparently were i love with me. I needed both of them to help me with some kind of paper work. It was all in Japanese and was very intensive. They seemed to hate each other as they were rivals. I guess they both realized that I was taking advantage of them because here I am giving them orders to finish up quickly. So I decided to distract them by making them a home cooked meal. This seemed to do the trick and they continued to do the paper work. I started to worry that both of them were going to fall in love with one another and that my paper work wouldn't get done. I had chosen one of the guys to be my partner although the other one was cute as well. However the other one seemed to be the more charming one and I had my heart on him. But strangely enough the only thing that mattered was my paperwork.

At that time, I heard footsteps outside my entrance door. I knew they were coming to kill us although there was no reason to. So I made a quick escape through the balcony. I don't know what happened to them, but I was out of there and there was no turning back now. I woke up at 4am with my mouth totally dehydrated and in need of a glass of water.

I went back to sleep right after my drink and proceeded to dream some more.

The second episode lasted until 7:30. With no paperwork in hand, I was forced to look for an apartment. While looking for one, I accidently ran into one of the guys that I thought had died. He said that he doesn't blame me for running away and have an apartment set up for me. We went over to the apartment and I was upset to see the place small, dark and scary. It was also very dirty. He said that was all he could afford at the moment and promised me that we would move to a better place within a year. I had to think to myself if it was all worth it. Once again I hear footsteps outside the door and this time they got in before I could escape. They were a group of killer samurai. They took us away and we became their prisoners. Fortunately for me, one of the guys fell in love with me at first sight and he was able to save me. This however would created problems for him so I had to disguise myself as a woman.

I woke up at 7:30am shivering for some reason. I was so cold and thought something was wrong so used my thermometer to see what my temperature was. 35.6 degrees. What's wrong with me? I turned up the electric blanket and went back to sleep for the third time.

During the last phase, I was half asleep and half awake for most of the time. It was a restless phase and it seemed to make me more tired. The samurai them dominated the storyline. As a woman, my job was to use my power to gather all the women together to create a lavish dinner to poison the men. The men somehow found out that there was an imposter in the women group which was me. So we as a group decided to do something before they could find out who it was as I have become close to the women. This phase of the dream was the strangest as I was able to transport in and out of people at will. There was a time where I was in a real woman washing dishes. A black bodyguard came in to give me a body check as he became suspicious of me. Obviously I was a women inside and out and he got turned on as he felt me up. He started eating me out and I started to get turned on. He was about to fuck me from behind when a few samurai walked in. They started heading towards the two and I swooshed out from the girl and into someone else before they could kill me.

The rest of the dream consisted of a lot of people being killed and me transporting myself in and out of various people. At the end only four of us were left. We were trapped and at the end each and every one of us were slashed with a couple of necks cut off. At the end I was transported into a baby with a mental deficit disorder.

And that was the end of my long dream. This has to be one of the strangest dream I've ever had in my entire life.

Second Life Christmas Party

Everyone who is my friend is invited to my Christmas Party in Second Life. Here's a link if you haven't joined yet.

http://www.secondlife.com/?u=c0547162d90043f1a947a5c5e3a36624

Come on and meet me there!

Xmas Tree

I finally got my Xmas tree up all decorated for the season last week. Yes it's time for my favorite season of the year! Why do I love the holiday season so much you ask? To sum up my feelings, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Strange I know but it just does. This year though, I have to admit that I'm enjoying it a lot different than previous years. I'm most likely not going to my friend's Christmas parties and I'm probably not going to have a party of any kind. Well, I think I might invite a few friends over that I consider to be family and make it a small and intimate affair. My Bell's Palsy still curses me with its unrelentlessness and I'm not confident enough to meet anyone else for yet. I have to decide soon though if I'm going to have any kind of party for myself.

My Christmas tree this year is decorated in purples and silvers this year. It's quite nice actually. My boyfriend and I wanted to do something more "mature" and "modern" this year with our decor. I can't say that it's all that modern, but at least it doesn't traditional. Today I'm going out to buy a pair of poinsettias to go with the tree.

I just got over a really bad cold and I'm still not fully recovered. I mean how many ailments can I get one after the other! I don't know how much more my body can handle all this! My diarrhea wouldn't stop for days and I felt drained and so out of it for a while there. Today I feel much better and hopefully my diarrhea has stopped. At least my appetite has returned.

Next week I really need to get a haircut. My hair is the longest it's been in a while. I haven't cut my hair for over 2 months now. Yeah it's getting out of control but with the way I feel right now, it kind of suits me I think. I like this disheveled look because that's the way I feel. With my hair cut and perfectly styled, it just doesn't feel right with my Bells Palsy and my ailments. hehe

My days are kind of lonely and I know it's all my fault. I've isolated myself from any kind of social life. But that's ok with me for now. Maybe I've had too much of a social life in the years past. Besides my friends will forgive me and hopefully will still love me after all this.

I miss my friends. I miss my life. I miss my face.

Oh, did I say I want to have a Christmas Party in Second Life? Everybody's invited!!! The only requirement is to JOIN second life and to become a FREE member!!! I mean it's FREE for god's sake! However I would recommend getting a new shape, skin, hair and clothes for the party, which are NOT free but can be had for a very little amount. If you don't know what I'm talking about, just look for me IN WORLD. By the way, my Second Life avatar name is Shinichi Mathy. Yeah I look perfect in SECOND LIFE!!! Yeah right!

It's been a while

Wow didn't realize how long I haven't been updating my blog. I've been busy getting back to work slowly and I also started working out a bit. I still get tired easily but my Bell's Palsy side of my face has improved! I'm very happy as I can now smile a bit and I look like I have some sort of expression other than angry! I also noticed this morning that my ear ringing has sort of improved and it's slowly getting back to normal. Wow, this is all great for me and I couldn't be happier. I did come down with a bad cold last night and don't feel too well, but hey I'm still happy!

I'll be heading to Los Angeles this year as I finally got my tickets! Yay! I finished reserving my hotel rooms and by then, my Bell's Palsy should have improved a bit more. I'm really excited and I'm ready to have a good time.

I started learning how to create and design clothes in Second Life although I'm far from good. It's so difficult learning how to use photoshop! Man, can anyone help me out there? Well, that's my new project and although it's hard work, I'm going to do it! Bought tons of books on the subject, got a brand new computer and cleaned my desk so that I can get to work easily everyday. Wish me luck everyone!

Everyone out there, if you'd like to get to know me, I recommend you get into Second Life yourself and look for me! My name in Second Life is Shinichi Mathy so make a search for me and IM me in-world.

I know it's late but happy belated Thanksgiving Day everyone!

A good Monday

The weather was nice today. Sunny and cool with a slight breeze. Well, I didn't appreciate the breeze because the wind hurts my eyes these days. You know, my Bell's Palsy keep my eyes wide open and I always manage to get some debris in them just walking along the street!

Well, I got up at a normal hour today. The repairman was coming over to fix our gas controls because hot water was not coming out. Well, it would cost us around 25000yen to replace the control. However his recommendation was to replace the entire gas machine or whatever you call that thing since that machine apparently is nearing its life on earth. Well that's not going to happen anytime soon because that, he said, would cost about 450,000yen not including labor!

Okay, got that out of the way. Next, I went to buy my mother some other things to send her. She loves dried sweet potatoes which only is available during fall. I also purchased some dried azuki beans which she loves. I went to the post office to send it and watched another DVD. This one I didn't cry as much and that's a good thing. My eyes were getting too puffy crying from the other one. Okay, I don't need to get any uglier...geeeeesh!

For lunch, I made a tuna salad and for dinner I cooked a pretty good oden, which is a Japanese stew. It's wonderful and warming during the colder season.

I worked a bit and now I'm relaxing with a diet coke. The time now...12:30AM!

Where am I going?

These days I have a lot of time on my hands. One reason is that I'm not really working right now. My days usually consist of waking up and eating, doing some yoga at home and grocery shopping before my evening starts. My evenings are spent eating dinner alone with a DVD, spending some time on the internet before getting ready to sleep. So this is how my life has been for the past 6 weeks or so. I'm not sure if it's because I'm depressed or just that I'm lazy. I know the Bell's Palsy started this endless cycle of lazy days doing nothing. I wanted to make sure I got a lot of rest so that I could recover as quickly as I could.

On the weekends, I do stuff with boyfriend. It's easier to do things when you have someone next to you when you are partially handicapped or feel like on at least. I feel secure in knowing that I can depend on him to get me an ambulance if anything unusual happens. Yeah, I know, it's all in my mind as usual, but that's just me these days.

I realize it's the end of the year and we're just a few days away from November. I'm thinking of taking a vacation in December to LA with my boyfriend, although it's difficult trying to get tickets. So far, no luck and the ones that are available are just too expensive. I am looking forward to that. I was going to visit Hawaii but no luck with tickets. So instead, LA seemed like the next best thing.

So until a few days ago, I was really getting psyched about going to LA because it's one of my favorite cities and I haven't been there in a while. I wanted to visit Disneyland again and go shopping on Melrose Avenue and eat a hot dog from Pinkies. Then all of a sudden today< I thought to myself...what's the use? After I go to LA, what comes after that? What awaits me when I get back to Tokyo?

I feel as though I don't really know where I'm going and I'm at a crossroad with a big stop sign. So I'm standing there and don't really know which way I should be going. I am stuck. My engines have stopped running. My legs are deep in quicksand. What now? What next? Where do I do from here?

After 41 years, I still don't have the answers. Christmas is right around the corner and guess what? No big deal!!! It's just another holiday! I used to look forward to the holiday season. All of a sudden, this year, I feel no excitement. Nothing. Nada.

Why? Why? Why? I don't know why. Maybe it's all the movies I've been watching on DVD. They're all kind of dark and depressing and complicated. Maybe the DVDs are starting to affect me. I don't know. Whatever...I just hope that tomorrow I wake up with some sort of direction because I really don't like where I am right now.

Reasons

This year has not been good to me. However I always try to find the positives in everything. There must be a reason why I suffer from massive panic attacks that feel like a heart attack and my face is half paralyzed. There just has to be.

I'm thinking that God is testing me. Maybe I've been really selfish and not considerate enough towards other people. I know for sure, that's the reason why I have panic attacks. Well, at least that's what I'd like to believe because that makes it easier for me to endure them. Yes, I now understand what people with panic attacks go through and I can relate from the bottom of my heart. I used to think that it was all in the head, but now I know most of the time you can't really do anything about it. It just comes unexpectedly at the most inconvenient of times.

Now for the facial paralysis, I have no explanation except that it makes me think twice when I look at people with a droopy face. Instead of thinking they're mentally retarded or handicapped, I know that maybe they just have Bell's Palsy. Now I know that their mental capacity might be absolutely normal. I mean I sort of look retarded with my lop-sided face so I know that people might think I'm sort of stupid. So that may be the reason...to help me relate to people with facial paralysis.

All in all, the reason for all these things happening to me is most likely because I need to start appreciating what I have. That happiness doesn't depend on material things and beauty. It's what's inside that really counts.

Do I believe that? Hmm...you tell me.

My life

Today I decided to find whatever that was saved from my old website and keep them in my blog just in case my computer crashes or I die, or whatever. I've also decided to not keep any more secrets in cyberspace at least. I realize that life is messy and shit happens. People are not perfect and you do stuff that you might regret later on. So I'm going to just open myself up. Maybe I'll learn more about myself this way. Perhaps you'll get to know me inside and out...the good stuff as well as the bad. If you still like me, I guess we could be friends!

I'm tired of covering things up as secrets. I hate having secrets. So for those who don't know, I have a secret website called the Secret Garden. You can find a link to it on this blog in the sidebar under "links". It's easy to find. Just don't be too mean to me ok.

If you don't like what you see, please stop reading it. If after reading it, you decide you find me despicable, please delete me out of your life. I'm just at a point in my life where I need to just lay everything in front of me so I can get a clear picture of myself and go from there.

Okay, as usual I'm rambling and so I will stop here right now!

Bad day

There hasn't been much improvement of my Bells Palsy and it's still frustrating to see no change when I wake up in the morning...or should I say around 11am. I'm still extremely tired and sleepy all the time it seems and I find myself sleeping most of the day. However I'm getting used to things. I'm getting used to the fact that my face is not what it used to be. I'm getting used to looking down and not smiling at people. I'm getting used to the stuffed ear feeling inside my head. I'm getting used to not meeting people. I'm getting used to not going to the gym. I'm getting used to all of it.

I know things could be worse, but combine Bells Palsy with my panic attacks and sometimes I feel like just giving up. I don't know what's important anymore except perhaps my mother and sister. I always think about them and pray to God to keep my mother healthy and happy. For me, I guess I've lived a good life and I've been lucky.

I must admit though that if God gave me just one more ailment that I have to deal with, I would probably just give up.

Sorry, I'm not in the best of moods today.

My real-time post.

I just returned from Bangkok yesterday. I must say that although I was suffering from Bells Palsy and felt uncomfortable for most of my trip, I'm glad that I did it. Just like my Okinawan trip, I needed to do it for the confidence and to not let my illness debilitate me in any way.

Today, my face felt really uncomfortable...the most discomfort I've felt since I got BP. My ears were ringing in both ears, the inside of my head felt heavy, my eyes were extremely heavy, my face hurt and felt so tight, my good side felt weak and felt tingly all day. I really can't describe the discomfort. However I read that this was usually a good sign and means that my nerves are starting to regenerate. It's tough though and I swear, it's been a very hard day. Good news is that my mouth seems to have a bit more movement...still crooked though.

My friend Michael really seems to sleep alot these days. He usually sleep a lot anyway, but I notice he sleeps even more. He can't seem to spend an entire day outdoors which is really bad for a guy the same age as me. I'm worried about his health.

Second Day in Okinawa...with BP

Second day, we woke up and spent some time at the beach. We then checked out of the hotel and drove down to Naha, which is the main entertainement, shopping area in Okinawa. On the way, I felt so bad I had to try and sleep it off in the car. I forced myself to get out and we found a restaurant to eat some noodles. Here is what I ordered.
This is my boyfriend's meal. Looks good doesn't it? Well, I felt so bad and nauseated that I was hardly able to touch my food. My boyfriend started to get upset and I felt bad so I forced a smile on my face and slowly attempted to eat my food. I swear, that was one of the hardest things to do. I ended up leaving most of the food in my bowl and told my boyfriend that it was delicious, but I was just tired.
After lunch though I felt better and we ended the day at Duty Free. My boyfriend had a really yummy looking curry.
I ordered noodles again because I didn't really remember the taste during lunch. The Okinawan noodles really are delicious.
I did buy a bag at Duty Free. It cost me a lot, but I really wanted to invest in a good quality leather tote bag. I think it was worth the $8oo.
It was fun being able to shop duty free within Japan.
I survived the trip and I was glad that I went. I didn't die and I actually enjoyed my trip.

Okinawa day one continued...

I really wanted to visit the Blue Seal Ice Cream Parlor. It's a famous chain in Okinawa and I think it's affiliated with Foremost Ice Cream in Hawaii. The sign looks familiar anyway. The ice cream was just so-so, but the flavors were unique. Ube, coconut, papaya and other tropical flavors you can't get in Japan.
In the evening we had some local cuisine.
Chanpuru, which is a stir-fry of local ingredients, was simple and delicious.
This is the famous Rafti, belly pork simmered until melt-in-your-mouth tender.
This beef salad was great.
Stir-fried somen noodles with vegetables.

After the meal, my mouth was hurting and I was drained. We went shopping at a supermarket I really wanted to visit. I forgot the name, but they had a very good apple pie there. We purchased some Okinawan goodies to take back home and a bag of dragon fruit, which is now one of my favorite fruits!

I was very nervous going to sleep as the night before I woke up with a terrible panic attack and had to the emergency room. Fortunately, I slept well and survived the night.

Okinawa with Bell's Palsy Day One

Only one day after a visit to the emergency room and two days after my diagnosis of Bell's Palsy, my boyfriend and I left for Okinawa. I was scared shitless but my boyfriend looked really disappointed and I figured, if I die or something, I might as well die on vacation. So after a little over 2 hours, we arrived in Okinawa.
The minute we arrived, it felt like we had arrived in Hawaii. My eyes were extremely sensitive to bright lights and I so I had to wear sunglasses most of the time.
Okinawa was a place that reminded me of Hawaii, yet very Japanese. The first time I went to Okinawa was when I was working for the airlines and we were there for just half a day so I really don't remember much.

Our hotel was centrally located on the beach near American Village. The weather did not seem to cooperate with us and seemed to cloud over as soon as we stepped foot on the beach.
Actually that worked for me since my eyes were so sensitive and I really wasn't feeling too well. Still, I managed to enjoy the trip.
The worst part for me was just getting used to keeping my eyes moist and I seem to get dizzy a lot of the time. Eating was also a big problem.

Very beautiful graffiti at the beach. I wish I had the energy to walk the entire length.

Our room was a family type room with a living room and a separate bedroom. Very comfortable indeed.
We really didn't get to relax much as it was just an overnighter. Much too short for a trip to Okinawa.

Today's post

It's funny this Bells Palsy. The past 3 days, I felt really good actually. I could leave the house and do normal stuff. I even did a little bit of cardio...just a bit. Then today I suddenly don't feel too good. My ear feels really weird like it's stuffed up and my face feels tired. I can open my mouth a bit wider now, but it seems to get tired quicker. Oh, well just have to wait some more. It's almost 4 weeks now with this and I was hoping things would be better by now. I guess now.

My friend from Hawaii arrived yesterday. I really love it when he's here as he's truly like a brother to me. He says he's gained more weight, but can't really tell the difference. Tomorrow we are supposed to leave for Bangkok, but I'm still unsure. I guess I will see how I feel tomorrow morning and I feel better, I will go. However I will meet no one and I will probably just stay in my hotel room and read all day and maybe spend some time at the pool. I have a book I'd like to read and I'm looking forward to that. The part I'm afraid of is the plane ride I guess. I really shouldn't be all the scared though. I mean it's just 6-7 hours and all I'm doing really is sitting or eating. However with the panic anxiety/bells palsy combination, I feel really jittery and nervous. I already have trouble with the anxiety thing on planes but I have to try to get over it and hope my anxiety pills work overtime. Once I arrive I should be fine. Then for my flight back, I will sleep most of the day before so I won't feel so tired for the morning flight. That should do it.

I also have been getting dizzy and feel faint. It must be not enough protein. I haven't been eating meat or anything large because my mouth wouldn't open. So I would just drink juices and nibble on pieces of bread and stuff. Maybe not enough iron. So today my protein packs from AGEL arrived and I'll be taking some with me.

Okay, time for bed and a lot of rest before my flight tomorrow. Maybe.

By the way

I just wanted to post that I went to the doctor today. I had a long chat with my doctor to see how much she knew about Bells Palsy. I also asked my psychiatrist about it. I guess they all said the same thing, but I'm glad I went because at least these doctors were much nicer than the neurologist I was seeing. Come to think of it, the neurologist didn't do anything special other than tell me to blink and smile.

Anyway, these past couple of days, I let myself sleep as much as I could and that was easy because I felt so drained. However today I have started seeing very small improvements. I'm beginning to feel the muscles in my cheek starting to move and my eyebrows are moving with a greater range of motion. I still can't smile, but my cheek doesn't feel as tight as yesterday.

I did a little walking in place, yoga, stretching and situps because I haven't worked out in 3 weeks. It felt good to do that and I didn't feel bad afterwards. I think I'm improving!

A Summer Day in Izu

Izu Peninsula is a 2 hour drive from Tokyo with no traffic. We woke up at 4am and left 30 minutes later for the trip. I have to admit I was sleeping most of the trip. This is a picture of a stream where the water is supposed to be so clean you can drink it. It's one of the places where water from Mt. Fuji accumulates. You can actually see the water coming out of the earth at some points and it's awe-inspiring.
A small fishing village where we decided to get some lunch.
My boyfriend had this tempura bowl with lots of seafood. He never even let me have a taste and it really looked good. Things like that make my far from perfect. He knows I love tempura.
Here's my seafood sushi bowl. Look at all the seafood...and it was fresh!

This fishing village was almost deserted due to the fact that the summer season was at its end.

We drove to another village where I found one of my favorite spots on this trip.

A foot bath!

And what's behind these doors?

Lo and behold, a riverside cafe! It's that just amazing!
The owner's pride shows throught the place. Everything from the coasters and glasses to the cakes and cookies are handmade!
The delicious chocolate cake with ice cream.
Two types of chiffon cake with fresh cream. I just loved this place.

The statue at lover's point. I have no idea what this place is.

This place is called Lover's Point or something like that. The view really was spectacular.
This is a view while taking a dip in a hot spring!
Another view from the baths!

A very hot day. Can you tell I'm forcing a smile?
The perfect thing for a hot day...shaved ice with mangoes!


We also spent about an hour sunbathing at a beach we found. It was really hot and seriously I thought I would get heat stroke. But this year I was ready and I brought a huge bottle of water with me and lots of sunscreen. Last year I had heatstroke at the pool.

We visited a few shops and I couldn't resist buying some things to take back with me. My boyfriend didn't buy anything as always as he's very tight with his cash. The drive home was crazy and it took us 5 hours going back. We finally got home at 11pm and as usual, my boyfriend was in a bad mood. I swear, he is such a baby! Anyway, other than my boyfriend's mood swings and stinginess, and the fact that he took me on this trip because I complained that we didn't do anything this summer, this was the highlight of my summer.