Monday, August 24, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Time goes by so quickly!
Wow I can't believe it's August already! Just 4 months away from the end of the year. That'a scary thought! This year has been a crazy year for me. I've been so crazy busy with work mostly and my social life has been pretty stagnant throughout the year. I'm not complaining though and feel as if my year has been really productive. Lots of ups and downs, but all positive in my opinion.
Yes, I had internal bleeding and had a blood transfusion. But it also made me feel better afterwards and I was forced to rest for an entire week, which really did me good. I also found out my blood type, which I didn't know about. My panic attacks have gotten better and I don't get them as often. My face still hurts after being on the computer for too long, but that's something I've gotten used to. My business in Second Life is growing and I feel as if I'm on the road to success. My translation work comes to me on a regular basis. Everything is ok.
In my personal life, I have lost lots of muscle due to not going to the gym, however I did not gain any weight and I've actually lost weight, which is due in part to me losing muscle, which is not good. I still do my pushups, situps and some yoga. I also run with my dog but that's about it for me. I would love to actually join the gym again, but I just cannot see myself spending my time there 3 times a week anymore. So I'm still thinking what I should do about that.
My mother came to visit me quite unexpectedly. It was actually a very nice surprised and happy that she made it here. I made her eat a lot of food and she gained about 5 kilos while here with me. It's a good thing because she keeps thinking she has cancer but after gaining weight, she no longer thinks that is possible. Yes she worries too much and I think I got my worrying personality from her.
My sister is visiting me again this October and i'm so looking forward to that. I truly hope that she makes this visit annually. I so enjoy her visits as much as i enjoy seeing my mother.
I will go to Taiwan with my boyfriend this thursday for 3 nights. I think I'm looking forward to it. I'm not really sure. I don't know what it is, but I feel unhappy with my boyfriend again. There are days when I truly love him and other days when I just don't give a damn. Why is that? Someone please explain!!!
I have so many pictures in my digital camera that I need to post here before I lose them.
Oh, we've been having quite a few larger earthquakes recently here in Tokyo. Now that's kind of scary.
Yes, I had internal bleeding and had a blood transfusion. But it also made me feel better afterwards and I was forced to rest for an entire week, which really did me good. I also found out my blood type, which I didn't know about. My panic attacks have gotten better and I don't get them as often. My face still hurts after being on the computer for too long, but that's something I've gotten used to. My business in Second Life is growing and I feel as if I'm on the road to success. My translation work comes to me on a regular basis. Everything is ok.
In my personal life, I have lost lots of muscle due to not going to the gym, however I did not gain any weight and I've actually lost weight, which is due in part to me losing muscle, which is not good. I still do my pushups, situps and some yoga. I also run with my dog but that's about it for me. I would love to actually join the gym again, but I just cannot see myself spending my time there 3 times a week anymore. So I'm still thinking what I should do about that.
My mother came to visit me quite unexpectedly. It was actually a very nice surprised and happy that she made it here. I made her eat a lot of food and she gained about 5 kilos while here with me. It's a good thing because she keeps thinking she has cancer but after gaining weight, she no longer thinks that is possible. Yes she worries too much and I think I got my worrying personality from her.
My sister is visiting me again this October and i'm so looking forward to that. I truly hope that she makes this visit annually. I so enjoy her visits as much as i enjoy seeing my mother.
I will go to Taiwan with my boyfriend this thursday for 3 nights. I think I'm looking forward to it. I'm not really sure. I don't know what it is, but I feel unhappy with my boyfriend again. There are days when I truly love him and other days when I just don't give a damn. Why is that? Someone please explain!!!
I have so many pictures in my digital camera that I need to post here before I lose them.
Oh, we've been having quite a few larger earthquakes recently here in Tokyo. Now that's kind of scary.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
One week in hospital
What did I do to deserve this!!! Well, this was what went through my mind when my partner called the ambulance to get me to the hospital last week.
Last Thurday, I had a bowel movement. However I noticed specks of red. That was odd but I thought it sort of looked like chili pepper. I concentrated on what I ate the previous day and could not remember if I had anything resembling chilis. I decided I must be coming down with alzheimer's and shrugged it off. Besides I had no other symptoms or pain. This was around 4pm.
8pm arrived and I felt the need to go to the toilet once more. This time I knew it was something watery and I just let myself go. This time though, I noticed that the water in the toilet was bright red and it was a lot of red!!! It shocked me a bit, but still I had no pain or anything else that seemed odd. I decided that maybe I had a microscopic tear in my butt and shrugged it off again.
9pm arrived and I had to go again. This time more liquid and it truly looked like red wine. A deep red color. I stood there and a chill went through my body. I had to ask myself....is this normal? What could it be? Might it be cancer? I started to get worried but waited for my partner to come home. I didn't flush the toilet and just waited until I had an opinion from my partner.
9:30pm came and my partner got to look at it. He was pretty surprised at how much blood was in the toilet. He told me that he thinks it might be serious and to promise him to go to the hospital the next day. I told him that was what i was planning so don't worry.
10pm. I had to go again and once again, more blood. It was like the same amount kept coming out of my butt. Hmmmm.....this is really scary. I flushed the toilet and started go walk away from the bathroom when I was hit with a dizziness and weakness. I had to lie down and just decided it might be a good idea to just go to bed early.
12pm. Toilet again and yes, more blood.
1am. More blood and I am starting to feel nausea.
1:30 am. Need to go to the toilet but can't. I feel dizzy and nausea. I will just wait it out and sleep. I probably need sleep.
3:30am. I feel liquid sloshing around in my stomach and feel quite uncomfortable. I want to throw up. I can't stand. The room is spinning. I can't seem to breathe as comfortably. I wake up my partner sleeping next to me.
He tells me that my face is quite pale and I beg him to help me to the toilet. He tries but once he gets me to sit on the edge of the bed, the room starts to spin and I feel like throwing up. Uh oh,......am I having a panic attack? I figure I may be having one so I take an anti-depressant. But this is feeling really bad. And the blood. There must be more in my stomach. I try and think to myself if I really need to go to the hospital now. What if it's serious? My partner asks me if I need an ambulance and I nod yes.
4:00am the ambulance arrives. They have a wheelchair for me. I get on and tell my partner to get my bag. It's funny because I actually prepared a bag with some necessities just in case of emergency. Heading to the hospital I feel better. I start to get second thoughts and think maybe I really don't need to go to the hospital. However I'm already on my way so I decide I have to go already.
At the hospital they take my blood right away to check my hemoglobin levels. Explaining details to doctors. I start to feel cold so I ask for a blanket and also wome water as I'm feeling quite thirsty. Blood test comes back and doctor tells me I need to stay for some checks as my hemoglobin level is extremely low. He explains that the normal male has a level of 16 but I only had 9.7. Ok, it sounds bad though I don't feel as bad but I figure I need to get myself checked out. I also need to go to the toilet again and the doctor says to show him the contents of my butt. Same bucket of redness. The doctor says that this looks serious and I would probably need to be hospitalized.
I told my partner he can go home as he has to get ready for work. He promises to call later and I wait until 8:30am for the specialist to come in. Once the time comes, I go and walk to another doctor's office. They tell me I need to go to a different desk to make an appointment so I do. They give me a time of 13:00. Wow, that's four hours away. Well, I guess I could just sit somewhere besides I do feel tired. I wait in the chair but I can't keep my head straight. I feel really tired and a bit nauseated again. One of the nurses notice and she tells me to go lie down on one of the beds they have. I agree to and it feels much better. For some reason, I don't notice how tired/cold/dizzy I am until I get to the bed. Then the doctor comes in and tells me he wants to put an IV in me as well as do another blood test. I agree and he asks me to come into another room for the IV. I somehow make it to the room and sit on the chair while he starts to put the needle in me. Once he finishes I start to feel really dizzy and I can't sit anymore. He notices and calls three nurses over to help me get to bed but I don't make it. I lose consciousness just for a bit and I realized they got me to the bed and I have an oxygen mask over my mouth. I feel better but I hear the doctor calling "emergency CT Scan now!!!" to someone. Good good.....that sounds good. I don't like this anyway and I really need to get myself fixed.
Ok, they got me a bed and I just need to rest. I am officially admitted to the hospital and don't really know when I'm going to be able to go home. They come back with the blood results and tell me I am still bleeding internally though not as much. They will give me blood stopping meds via IV. I sleep most of the day and night. I wake up feeling better but weak. Doctor tells me I will not be able to eat anything until Monday. So nothing to eat from Friday until MOnday....right well.....this is what they do at detox spas so I decide this is good for me. Detoxing and maybe losing weight. Saturday and Sunday is mostly resting, getting meds via IV and blood tests.
Monday arrive and I will get a camera stuck up my butt. The experience itself was not so bad except for the drinking the 2 liters of liquid part. I tell you, the liquid tastes like watery sperm!!! Seriously!!! Like lemony with an ajax after-taste. I could not drink all of it and in the end they had to give me an enema.
They found a scab in my stomach lining at the far end of the large intestine. They found the cause. Yay!!!They still have yet to find the cause of the injury though they tell me. They think it may be some kind of parasite but cannot find anything in my daily stools. I get dinner but it's mostly liquid. Still, it's good to finally have something.
Tuesday arrives and after blood tests, my hemoglobin is now 10. Yay! They said I'm improving.
Wednesday now and another blood test. A bit lower today. 9.1. The doctor says it's a bit worrying as it is now lower than when I was first admitted. They decide they need to check my upper intestines tomorrow and also maybe a blood transfusion.
Thursday morning I go for the test. They did find a bacteria in my upper area but that's easily treated they say. It's something you usually get from your mother while an infant. But they say they need to give me a blood transfusion. My body is not making hemoglobin. My red blood cells are being depleted. They tell me they've ordered the blood yesterday just in case as I am a blood type O RH negative, which is very rare in Japan. The blood arrived looking like watery ketchup and I finally agree.
Friday morning I don't feel a different in the way I feel. All I know is that I can finally go home. In the end I was told to go on medication for 10 days to kill the amoeba just in case it is amoeba. It will cause me to feel sick but was told to just try my best to tolerate the nausea. If I feel numbness in my legs or fingers, go immediately to hospital.
So today is Sunday, two days after being released from the hospital. I feel the same...just very tired and I still am dizzy now and then. It must be due to the fact that I was in a horizontal state for a week with no food. I'm eating more and have gained 2 pounds in a day! I guess that is a good sign.
I am hoping I will not encounter too much nausea during my treatment.
Last Thurday, I had a bowel movement. However I noticed specks of red. That was odd but I thought it sort of looked like chili pepper. I concentrated on what I ate the previous day and could not remember if I had anything resembling chilis. I decided I must be coming down with alzheimer's and shrugged it off. Besides I had no other symptoms or pain. This was around 4pm.
8pm arrived and I felt the need to go to the toilet once more. This time I knew it was something watery and I just let myself go. This time though, I noticed that the water in the toilet was bright red and it was a lot of red!!! It shocked me a bit, but still I had no pain or anything else that seemed odd. I decided that maybe I had a microscopic tear in my butt and shrugged it off again.
9pm arrived and I had to go again. This time more liquid and it truly looked like red wine. A deep red color. I stood there and a chill went through my body. I had to ask myself....is this normal? What could it be? Might it be cancer? I started to get worried but waited for my partner to come home. I didn't flush the toilet and just waited until I had an opinion from my partner.
9:30pm came and my partner got to look at it. He was pretty surprised at how much blood was in the toilet. He told me that he thinks it might be serious and to promise him to go to the hospital the next day. I told him that was what i was planning so don't worry.
10pm. I had to go again and once again, more blood. It was like the same amount kept coming out of my butt. Hmmmm.....this is really scary. I flushed the toilet and started go walk away from the bathroom when I was hit with a dizziness and weakness. I had to lie down and just decided it might be a good idea to just go to bed early.
12pm. Toilet again and yes, more blood.
1am. More blood and I am starting to feel nausea.
1:30 am. Need to go to the toilet but can't. I feel dizzy and nausea. I will just wait it out and sleep. I probably need sleep.
3:30am. I feel liquid sloshing around in my stomach and feel quite uncomfortable. I want to throw up. I can't stand. The room is spinning. I can't seem to breathe as comfortably. I wake up my partner sleeping next to me.
He tells me that my face is quite pale and I beg him to help me to the toilet. He tries but once he gets me to sit on the edge of the bed, the room starts to spin and I feel like throwing up. Uh oh,......am I having a panic attack? I figure I may be having one so I take an anti-depressant. But this is feeling really bad. And the blood. There must be more in my stomach. I try and think to myself if I really need to go to the hospital now. What if it's serious? My partner asks me if I need an ambulance and I nod yes.
4:00am the ambulance arrives. They have a wheelchair for me. I get on and tell my partner to get my bag. It's funny because I actually prepared a bag with some necessities just in case of emergency. Heading to the hospital I feel better. I start to get second thoughts and think maybe I really don't need to go to the hospital. However I'm already on my way so I decide I have to go already.
At the hospital they take my blood right away to check my hemoglobin levels. Explaining details to doctors. I start to feel cold so I ask for a blanket and also wome water as I'm feeling quite thirsty. Blood test comes back and doctor tells me I need to stay for some checks as my hemoglobin level is extremely low. He explains that the normal male has a level of 16 but I only had 9.7. Ok, it sounds bad though I don't feel as bad but I figure I need to get myself checked out. I also need to go to the toilet again and the doctor says to show him the contents of my butt. Same bucket of redness. The doctor says that this looks serious and I would probably need to be hospitalized.
I told my partner he can go home as he has to get ready for work. He promises to call later and I wait until 8:30am for the specialist to come in. Once the time comes, I go and walk to another doctor's office. They tell me I need to go to a different desk to make an appointment so I do. They give me a time of 13:00. Wow, that's four hours away. Well, I guess I could just sit somewhere besides I do feel tired. I wait in the chair but I can't keep my head straight. I feel really tired and a bit nauseated again. One of the nurses notice and she tells me to go lie down on one of the beds they have. I agree to and it feels much better. For some reason, I don't notice how tired/cold/dizzy I am until I get to the bed. Then the doctor comes in and tells me he wants to put an IV in me as well as do another blood test. I agree and he asks me to come into another room for the IV. I somehow make it to the room and sit on the chair while he starts to put the needle in me. Once he finishes I start to feel really dizzy and I can't sit anymore. He notices and calls three nurses over to help me get to bed but I don't make it. I lose consciousness just for a bit and I realized they got me to the bed and I have an oxygen mask over my mouth. I feel better but I hear the doctor calling "emergency CT Scan now!!!" to someone. Good good.....that sounds good. I don't like this anyway and I really need to get myself fixed.
Ok, they got me a bed and I just need to rest. I am officially admitted to the hospital and don't really know when I'm going to be able to go home. They come back with the blood results and tell me I am still bleeding internally though not as much. They will give me blood stopping meds via IV. I sleep most of the day and night. I wake up feeling better but weak. Doctor tells me I will not be able to eat anything until Monday. So nothing to eat from Friday until MOnday....right well.....this is what they do at detox spas so I decide this is good for me. Detoxing and maybe losing weight. Saturday and Sunday is mostly resting, getting meds via IV and blood tests.
Monday arrive and I will get a camera stuck up my butt. The experience itself was not so bad except for the drinking the 2 liters of liquid part. I tell you, the liquid tastes like watery sperm!!! Seriously!!! Like lemony with an ajax after-taste. I could not drink all of it and in the end they had to give me an enema.
They found a scab in my stomach lining at the far end of the large intestine. They found the cause. Yay!!!They still have yet to find the cause of the injury though they tell me. They think it may be some kind of parasite but cannot find anything in my daily stools. I get dinner but it's mostly liquid. Still, it's good to finally have something.
Tuesday arrives and after blood tests, my hemoglobin is now 10. Yay! They said I'm improving.
Wednesday now and another blood test. A bit lower today. 9.1. The doctor says it's a bit worrying as it is now lower than when I was first admitted. They decide they need to check my upper intestines tomorrow and also maybe a blood transfusion.
Thursday morning I go for the test. They did find a bacteria in my upper area but that's easily treated they say. It's something you usually get from your mother while an infant. But they say they need to give me a blood transfusion. My body is not making hemoglobin. My red blood cells are being depleted. They tell me they've ordered the blood yesterday just in case as I am a blood type O RH negative, which is very rare in Japan. The blood arrived looking like watery ketchup and I finally agree.
Friday morning I don't feel a different in the way I feel. All I know is that I can finally go home. In the end I was told to go on medication for 10 days to kill the amoeba just in case it is amoeba. It will cause me to feel sick but was told to just try my best to tolerate the nausea. If I feel numbness in my legs or fingers, go immediately to hospital.
So today is Sunday, two days after being released from the hospital. I feel the same...just very tired and I still am dizzy now and then. It must be due to the fact that I was in a horizontal state for a week with no food. I'm eating more and have gained 2 pounds in a day! I guess that is a good sign.
I am hoping I will not encounter too much nausea during my treatment.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
A very good week!
First off, it hasn't rained as much as was predicted by the weather people. No rain whatsoever this weekend either and that makes me happy. I got quite a bit done this week workwise and did some rare socializing as well.
A really good friend of mine ended up breaking up with his boyfriend of a year and so we made plans to meet up for dinner and drinks on Thursday night. I was a bit worried as I knew he was trying really hard to make things work. So we were a group of 5 on a Thursday night drinking on the balcony of a bar in Tokyo overlooking the city. It was nice. We all got to talk about our love lives and we all had a great time pouring our hearts out. Dinner was German food, a bit too oily for my taste, but hey who came for food right? We were there just to enjoy each other's company. Nice night it was.
Yesterday, my boyfriend and I went to see Angels and Demons. Actually enjoyed it much more than Da Vinci Code. Easier to follow and way more coherent. I did read both books but I didn't remember the details of Angels and Demons in the book as that was 3 years ago. Dinner was at this organic vegetable bar. Amuse Bouche was simply organic cucumbers with sea salt and olive oil. We had a salad of field greens and also a platter of a variety of organic vegetables with anchovy dip. For protein we opted for some grilled fish balls with shiso leaf and pasta with organic tomato sauce. Everything was good except for the pasta, which my boyfriend makes better.
Today we go to Costco and IKEA to do some shopping. Mangoes are in season and we need to get some of those. I also need to buy some stuff for my office. We will pick up his designer suit at the department store. My boyfriend got promoted at work and so he bought a really expensive suit, which actually makes him look rich...if that makes sense. :)
A good week it really was.
A really good friend of mine ended up breaking up with his boyfriend of a year and so we made plans to meet up for dinner and drinks on Thursday night. I was a bit worried as I knew he was trying really hard to make things work. So we were a group of 5 on a Thursday night drinking on the balcony of a bar in Tokyo overlooking the city. It was nice. We all got to talk about our love lives and we all had a great time pouring our hearts out. Dinner was German food, a bit too oily for my taste, but hey who came for food right? We were there just to enjoy each other's company. Nice night it was.
Yesterday, my boyfriend and I went to see Angels and Demons. Actually enjoyed it much more than Da Vinci Code. Easier to follow and way more coherent. I did read both books but I didn't remember the details of Angels and Demons in the book as that was 3 years ago. Dinner was at this organic vegetable bar. Amuse Bouche was simply organic cucumbers with sea salt and olive oil. We had a salad of field greens and also a platter of a variety of organic vegetables with anchovy dip. For protein we opted for some grilled fish balls with shiso leaf and pasta with organic tomato sauce. Everything was good except for the pasta, which my boyfriend makes better.
Today we go to Costco and IKEA to do some shopping. Mangoes are in season and we need to get some of those. I also need to buy some stuff for my office. We will pick up his designer suit at the department store. My boyfriend got promoted at work and so he bought a really expensive suit, which actually makes him look rich...if that makes sense. :)
A good week it really was.
Monday, June 01, 2009
finally no rain today!!!
While not exactly sunny, at least there is no rain today. It's been raining almost non-stop for the past 5 days. The first couple of days it's ok, but after that it just puts me in slow mode. I think it sort of affects my dog too as he seems to be more lethargic during times of rain. So today when I woke up and entered my living room(aka my dog's room or Justin's room), he started jumping on me and making some strange un-dog-like sounds. Just to let you know, my dog doesn't bark. He only makes these very quiet whiny sounds when he wants something. He screams loudly when a number of fire trucks pass by, but only when there is more than one.
I've been working hard these past few weeks and it's all good. I did have this really bad headache thing last week though. My face that was affected by bell's palsy has also been hurting really bad lately and it's pretty frustrating. Today everything seems fine so far. Two days ago, I felt nauseas and sick while walking to get lunch with my partner. I didn't tell him how bad I felt but he noticed and asked me if I felt sick. I eventually did tell him after the event was over. I just couldn't talk when it was happenning....yeah that's how bad it was. I have no idea why that happens to me. Anyway I got a doctor's appointment this week so I'll try and find out then.
I have so many pictures I want to post on my blog but just don't seem to have enough time. I know one can always make time if one wants to. I know I want to. I think I'm just lazy.
I'm going to take advantage of this cloudy but non-rainy day and take my dog for his walk.
I've been working hard these past few weeks and it's all good. I did have this really bad headache thing last week though. My face that was affected by bell's palsy has also been hurting really bad lately and it's pretty frustrating. Today everything seems fine so far. Two days ago, I felt nauseas and sick while walking to get lunch with my partner. I didn't tell him how bad I felt but he noticed and asked me if I felt sick. I eventually did tell him after the event was over. I just couldn't talk when it was happenning....yeah that's how bad it was. I have no idea why that happens to me. Anyway I got a doctor's appointment this week so I'll try and find out then.
I have so many pictures I want to post on my blog but just don't seem to have enough time. I know one can always make time if one wants to. I know I want to. I think I'm just lazy.
I'm going to take advantage of this cloudy but non-rainy day and take my dog for his walk.
Friday, May 08, 2009
My Hawaii trip
Today is my last day of my Hawaii trip. I arrived here about 2 weeks ago and it's already time for me to leave. I'm sad that I'm leaving my family again. Also sad about leaving my friends. But I am eager to see my doggie back home and get back home to my normal life. I always seem to come here and leave here with mixed feelings. It's a weird and uncomfortable feeling. It always is.
The day I arrived, I was jet lagged as always. In order to get my back into a normal rhythm, I forced myself to stay awake as long as I could. However the next day, I felt terrible and unfortunately I found myself in bed for an entire day. I also spent a night at my sister's place but when I got back home to my mom's, I was sick again and was in bed for 2 days this time. So my trip started out with me being sick most of the time. I think it was the week before I left Japan that was at fault as I was busy like crazy, getting stressed out to the maximum. I had so many things to do and I think my body just broke down when I got here.
I did all the usual things....eating and shopping, walking on the beach,etc. My boyfriend met up with me for 5 days during the trip which was nice. I always have a good time with him and so that was great. I met up with my friend Michael just twice this time, as he's been quite busy with work. I wish I could've spent more time with him but hey that's life right. I got to spend some quality time with my sister and that was a treat for me.
My mother is getting old and cranky. She's also getting moody and seems to be out of control with her emotions. It is frustrating, irritating and sad. When I come to Hawaii, I love seeing her. At the same time, she gets me quite stressed and puts a damper on my days here. I know it sounds really mean and I'm hating myself for even thinking that. However it's true and though it may be mean and not right to feel this way, it's the truth. I find myself ready to snap and lose my temper but I fight it and fortunately, what I'm thinking doesn't manifest itself into actual words. I sometimes wish I could have an honest heart-to-heart talk with my mother, but if I do, I know it would make her really sad. I prefer her to keep thinking that she's not frustrating me.
But it's hard and I don't know why I'm having a harder time dealing with it. Is it me that's changing or is it my mother that's changed? Yes, my mother has always been cranky and difficult, but not to this extent, never. She used to smile a lot more and she was fun. She used to take walks and enjoyed little things. Now she's difficult and it gets harder and harder to get her to smile. She talks about getting old and it almost seems as if she is tired of living. She no longer cooks and no matter what I do to try and help her to eat or cook, she doesnt seem to be making any effort. If I leave the house for the entire day, she is cranky and moody when I get back. If I spend a few hours with my sister, she gets upset and acts like a jealous wife. If I talk too long on the phone with my best friend, she wants me to get off as quick as possible.
I remember telling my sister on the phone a few years back that she has to just deal with my mother the best she can. My sister did just that and she still does. I absolutely give her credit for that. I can see that she is trying her hardest to keep things in place and not to rock the boat. I noticed for the first time that my sister and I are doing something very similiar. We are both careful not to get my mother angry. We are both always trying to keep her as happy as possible. We are both frustrated at the effort it required. We are both tired and sometimes feel like our brains are just going to snap. We both love her with our hearts. We both are happy that we were born her children. We are both trying to deal with this the best we can. It is equally difficult for the both of us.
My sister calls my mother on a regular basis but only when she has the energy. I call my mother only when I have the energy. My sister visits her only when she is sure she can handle it. I visit my mother but have to mentally prepare myself before my actual visit.
Now, is this normal for everyone else? It makes me wonder. I used to take it in stride....dealing with my mother. Maybe because she and I were younger, my mother not as fragile. So it was easier to confront her directly without thinking she would pass away due to my outburst or something. So I find myself constantly tense when I'm around her. Is this the way it's supposed to be? Why am I finding is to difficult? Do I have issues I haven't dealt with? What the hell is wrong with me? I really don't know and I think it's time for me to try and find out what it is.
My sister on the other hand, has been a blessing for me. We've always been close, but not as close as we are now. We were very close of course when we were kids, but I think we sort of drifted apart after I moved away. She had a family to take care of and I had to find myself in another country. We both grew up and evolved into lovely human beings I think. I have come to realize that she's is the one person I can actually talk to about family stuff. I never knew how comforting it was to be able to do that. As we get older, I think we are seeing that our lives are not really all that different. Sure, we live in different countries, she's straight and I'm gay, she has kids, I have a dog, etc, etc, etc,. But we really aren't that different which just goes to show that we really are related. hahaha
I was also happy about being able to see my nephews. Andrew, the older one, is having problems. He's an adolescent and is having growing pains like you wouldn't believe. The scary part is that, he's probably going through a repeat of my life when I was his age, except that he's not gay(at least I think he's not) and I was a confused gay boy. So I can totally relate to what he's going through and that's what's worrying me. I wish I could tell him that the road he's taking is a very difficult road indeed. I hope he realizes sooner than I did and start to change for the better. I feel so much love for the boy and it pains me to see him so lost and angry. It also hurts me to see my sister in so much agony over it. As for Taylor, the younger one, he's going to be just fine! He's growing up to be a handsome and well-adjusted individual and he just puts a smile on my face. I love them both and I'm glad to have met them this time around.
My sister's boyfriend of 2 years is trying his best. He is far from perfect I tell you and he has a lot of growing up to do. However he does have good traits and he would make a perfect husband if he's able to open up and try to see things from a different perspective other than his own. This is his biggest problem and it will hinder his progress. I do like him though and I only wish the best for him. I look forward to the day when I can meet my sister and her boyfriend without them arguing all the time. It's very heart-breaking to see and confusing as well. It's a very strange and complex relationship.
My best friend Michael needs to change starting last year!!! I get so frustrated at his laziness and procrastinating habits. Sure he's depressed and sure he has no life but as everyone knows, those things are the cause of choices he has made and that's that! Period! If he can do this one thing, everything would change for the better and I can pretty much guarantee that! Oh, I worry about this guy so much it's rediculous.
Now one of the highlights of this trip was meeting a very old ex of mine. I really was in love with this guy so it was weird seeing this guy over dinner again. I was glad I did though and I only have good wishes for him. I hope to meet him over dinner and drinks again very soon. He's a good guy and he deserves to be happy.
So like I said, it's been a mixed trip for me this time. It's been quite emotional for me on a personal level. Yes, when I go back to Tokyo, life goes on. However I'm not sure if I want to avoid these things anymore. If I could do something to change things, I want to do that. But what do I do is the question. I havent got a clue and I'm not happy about it.
The day I arrived, I was jet lagged as always. In order to get my back into a normal rhythm, I forced myself to stay awake as long as I could. However the next day, I felt terrible and unfortunately I found myself in bed for an entire day. I also spent a night at my sister's place but when I got back home to my mom's, I was sick again and was in bed for 2 days this time. So my trip started out with me being sick most of the time. I think it was the week before I left Japan that was at fault as I was busy like crazy, getting stressed out to the maximum. I had so many things to do and I think my body just broke down when I got here.
I did all the usual things....eating and shopping, walking on the beach,etc. My boyfriend met up with me for 5 days during the trip which was nice. I always have a good time with him and so that was great. I met up with my friend Michael just twice this time, as he's been quite busy with work. I wish I could've spent more time with him but hey that's life right. I got to spend some quality time with my sister and that was a treat for me.
My mother is getting old and cranky. She's also getting moody and seems to be out of control with her emotions. It is frustrating, irritating and sad. When I come to Hawaii, I love seeing her. At the same time, she gets me quite stressed and puts a damper on my days here. I know it sounds really mean and I'm hating myself for even thinking that. However it's true and though it may be mean and not right to feel this way, it's the truth. I find myself ready to snap and lose my temper but I fight it and fortunately, what I'm thinking doesn't manifest itself into actual words. I sometimes wish I could have an honest heart-to-heart talk with my mother, but if I do, I know it would make her really sad. I prefer her to keep thinking that she's not frustrating me.
But it's hard and I don't know why I'm having a harder time dealing with it. Is it me that's changing or is it my mother that's changed? Yes, my mother has always been cranky and difficult, but not to this extent, never. She used to smile a lot more and she was fun. She used to take walks and enjoyed little things. Now she's difficult and it gets harder and harder to get her to smile. She talks about getting old and it almost seems as if she is tired of living. She no longer cooks and no matter what I do to try and help her to eat or cook, she doesnt seem to be making any effort. If I leave the house for the entire day, she is cranky and moody when I get back. If I spend a few hours with my sister, she gets upset and acts like a jealous wife. If I talk too long on the phone with my best friend, she wants me to get off as quick as possible.
I remember telling my sister on the phone a few years back that she has to just deal with my mother the best she can. My sister did just that and she still does. I absolutely give her credit for that. I can see that she is trying her hardest to keep things in place and not to rock the boat. I noticed for the first time that my sister and I are doing something very similiar. We are both careful not to get my mother angry. We are both always trying to keep her as happy as possible. We are both frustrated at the effort it required. We are both tired and sometimes feel like our brains are just going to snap. We both love her with our hearts. We both are happy that we were born her children. We are both trying to deal with this the best we can. It is equally difficult for the both of us.
My sister calls my mother on a regular basis but only when she has the energy. I call my mother only when I have the energy. My sister visits her only when she is sure she can handle it. I visit my mother but have to mentally prepare myself before my actual visit.
Now, is this normal for everyone else? It makes me wonder. I used to take it in stride....dealing with my mother. Maybe because she and I were younger, my mother not as fragile. So it was easier to confront her directly without thinking she would pass away due to my outburst or something. So I find myself constantly tense when I'm around her. Is this the way it's supposed to be? Why am I finding is to difficult? Do I have issues I haven't dealt with? What the hell is wrong with me? I really don't know and I think it's time for me to try and find out what it is.
My sister on the other hand, has been a blessing for me. We've always been close, but not as close as we are now. We were very close of course when we were kids, but I think we sort of drifted apart after I moved away. She had a family to take care of and I had to find myself in another country. We both grew up and evolved into lovely human beings I think. I have come to realize that she's is the one person I can actually talk to about family stuff. I never knew how comforting it was to be able to do that. As we get older, I think we are seeing that our lives are not really all that different. Sure, we live in different countries, she's straight and I'm gay, she has kids, I have a dog, etc, etc, etc,. But we really aren't that different which just goes to show that we really are related. hahaha
I was also happy about being able to see my nephews. Andrew, the older one, is having problems. He's an adolescent and is having growing pains like you wouldn't believe. The scary part is that, he's probably going through a repeat of my life when I was his age, except that he's not gay(at least I think he's not) and I was a confused gay boy. So I can totally relate to what he's going through and that's what's worrying me. I wish I could tell him that the road he's taking is a very difficult road indeed. I hope he realizes sooner than I did and start to change for the better. I feel so much love for the boy and it pains me to see him so lost and angry. It also hurts me to see my sister in so much agony over it. As for Taylor, the younger one, he's going to be just fine! He's growing up to be a handsome and well-adjusted individual and he just puts a smile on my face. I love them both and I'm glad to have met them this time around.
My sister's boyfriend of 2 years is trying his best. He is far from perfect I tell you and he has a lot of growing up to do. However he does have good traits and he would make a perfect husband if he's able to open up and try to see things from a different perspective other than his own. This is his biggest problem and it will hinder his progress. I do like him though and I only wish the best for him. I look forward to the day when I can meet my sister and her boyfriend without them arguing all the time. It's very heart-breaking to see and confusing as well. It's a very strange and complex relationship.
My best friend Michael needs to change starting last year!!! I get so frustrated at his laziness and procrastinating habits. Sure he's depressed and sure he has no life but as everyone knows, those things are the cause of choices he has made and that's that! Period! If he can do this one thing, everything would change for the better and I can pretty much guarantee that! Oh, I worry about this guy so much it's rediculous.
Now one of the highlights of this trip was meeting a very old ex of mine. I really was in love with this guy so it was weird seeing this guy over dinner again. I was glad I did though and I only have good wishes for him. I hope to meet him over dinner and drinks again very soon. He's a good guy and he deserves to be happy.
So like I said, it's been a mixed trip for me this time. It's been quite emotional for me on a personal level. Yes, when I go back to Tokyo, life goes on. However I'm not sure if I want to avoid these things anymore. If I could do something to change things, I want to do that. But what do I do is the question. I havent got a clue and I'm not happy about it.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Feeling better this week.
You know, I hate being negative about anything. It really annoys me and it never does me any good to be in a negative state, which is why I'm happy to say that this week has been a much better week for me. Emotionally I seem to be more stable and feeling happier. I'm slowly getting my energy back and after a few days of just vegging out in front of the TV, I'm now back to working with renewed energy and focus.
I lost a couple of kilos over the past week, but that was in due to me low-carbing during the weekdays. You know, I've been eating very little carbs for the past 3 years and it actually makes me feel better. But I started to eat normal food again sometime last year and I had gained about 3 kilos I think. Now I'm back to a good weight again just after a week and a half of low carbing. This time though, I've changed the diet a bit.
You see, starting this year, I started to eat macrobiotically. As much as I can, I eat organic food. I hardly ever eat meat and stick to fish, tofu, beans and nuts for protein. So I combine this with eating low-carb which means, no grains or starch during the weekdays.
I will have my whole grains, such as brown rice, whole wheat pasta, etc during the weekends. That's also when I treat myself to some cake as well. It always helps knowing that I'll be able to eat some junk food at the end of the week to reward myself.
I was never into fast-food so it's easy for me to stay away. I also don't care for potato chips and stuff like that, unless they are organic or the really good kind....you know, cooked in olive oil and seasonsed with sea salt.
My dog has started to pee in specific areas around the house. I think he's started "marking" and although it doesnt really bother me, it does keep me rather busy and running all over the house trying to clean up after him. I do scold him for doing it, but feel like I'm doing a cheap imitation of my mother. That REALLY bothers me!
I lost a couple of kilos over the past week, but that was in due to me low-carbing during the weekdays. You know, I've been eating very little carbs for the past 3 years and it actually makes me feel better. But I started to eat normal food again sometime last year and I had gained about 3 kilos I think. Now I'm back to a good weight again just after a week and a half of low carbing. This time though, I've changed the diet a bit.
You see, starting this year, I started to eat macrobiotically. As much as I can, I eat organic food. I hardly ever eat meat and stick to fish, tofu, beans and nuts for protein. So I combine this with eating low-carb which means, no grains or starch during the weekdays.
I will have my whole grains, such as brown rice, whole wheat pasta, etc during the weekends. That's also when I treat myself to some cake as well. It always helps knowing that I'll be able to eat some junk food at the end of the week to reward myself.
I was never into fast-food so it's easy for me to stay away. I also don't care for potato chips and stuff like that, unless they are organic or the really good kind....you know, cooked in olive oil and seasonsed with sea salt.
My dog has started to pee in specific areas around the house. I think he's started "marking" and although it doesnt really bother me, it does keep me rather busy and running all over the house trying to clean up after him. I do scold him for doing it, but feel like I'm doing a cheap imitation of my mother. That REALLY bothers me!
Saturday, March 14, 2009
My week
I know I should blog more so I can keep up with my life. I've been so busy with things that time just goes by too quickly for me. I sometimes wish there were three of me to go around. That way each one of me can work 8 hours each. That would be cool huh?
This week was just kind of a blur to me. I can't really explain why. Nothing different about my week compared to other weeks. Just a blur though. Did nothing of significance. Did a lot of meaningless things. Things looked different to me this week. Even my dog looked different. Strange. I also felt sad one day, then I felt light and happy the next. Mood swings galore!
It's past 1am now and I just felt the need to vent. I had a really bad attack of something tonight while taking my dog for a walk. I didn't feel too well the entire day actually, but especially since 5pm, I sort of felt sick. I thought maybe it was just due to some of the meds I take for various things. I don't know. Maybe it's the change in eating habits? Hmmmm.....Not enough meat maybe?
Whatever it is, this week was just not a good one for me. It almost feels like depression. I think I went through a period of depression about 10 years ago. But why would I feel depressed all of a sudden?
Well, whatever it is, I at least got to watch a lot of movies on DVD this week. It was a couch potato sort of week for me.
OH......funny thing is that I just thought of something at this very moment.
I feel unhappy with my partner. Now why could that be? I have been feeling more and more
unsatisfied with our relationship. I wish I knew why. We still have sex, though it's very routine. We hardly kiss or hold hands anymore. We mostly talk about work and our dog. Why do I feel that something crucial is missing? Why can't I just be happy?
Man, I swear....it's like the year 2000 for me all over again.
This week was just kind of a blur to me. I can't really explain why. Nothing different about my week compared to other weeks. Just a blur though. Did nothing of significance. Did a lot of meaningless things. Things looked different to me this week. Even my dog looked different. Strange. I also felt sad one day, then I felt light and happy the next. Mood swings galore!
It's past 1am now and I just felt the need to vent. I had a really bad attack of something tonight while taking my dog for a walk. I didn't feel too well the entire day actually, but especially since 5pm, I sort of felt sick. I thought maybe it was just due to some of the meds I take for various things. I don't know. Maybe it's the change in eating habits? Hmmmm.....Not enough meat maybe?
Whatever it is, this week was just not a good one for me. It almost feels like depression. I think I went through a period of depression about 10 years ago. But why would I feel depressed all of a sudden?
Well, whatever it is, I at least got to watch a lot of movies on DVD this week. It was a couch potato sort of week for me.
OH......funny thing is that I just thought of something at this very moment.
I feel unhappy with my partner. Now why could that be? I have been feeling more and more
unsatisfied with our relationship. I wish I knew why. We still have sex, though it's very routine. We hardly kiss or hold hands anymore. We mostly talk about work and our dog. Why do I feel that something crucial is missing? Why can't I just be happy?
Man, I swear....it's like the year 2000 for me all over again.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Year 2008
Happy new year!!! It's been such a long and somewhat a year filled with challenges for me but hey, here I am! I made it! I'm still alive! hahaha! Yeah, that's how I feel! According to the Japanese calendar, The years 2006-2008 were the "bad" years for me where back luck and misfortunes are waiting to pounce on me. Whether or not that's true, it certainly has come true for me. 2007 was the main "bad" year and that's when I came down with Bell's Palsy! The year 2008 started out with my face paralyzed, my panic attacks getting worse and my health overall, just going down the drain. My social life was at an all-time low and my relationship was in shambles. However at the beginning of 2008, I remember telling myself that I just need to make it through 2008 and to take things one day at a time. I decided to concentrate on several things during the year.
1. Don't start anything new with the exception of my clothing business in virtual reality.
2. Eat macrobiotic as much as possible and to learn how to heal my body with foods.
3. Yoga
4. Meditation
5.Think positive
6.Fix my relationship
7.Get back in touch with key friends
So did I actually do all of the above? You know, actually I did! I didn't do yoga as much as I'd wanted to but I was so busy doing everything else. I did learn how to incorporate yoga into my life in small 10-minute increments throughout the day. I also learned how to control my panic attacks through breathing techniques and meditation. Positive thinking also helped. I also got a dog and although it was hard at first, I can't imagine life without a dog now. My relationship is the best it has ever been and I am back in touch with a few friends dear to my heart. I have learned so much about eating good food for health this year as well.
I think I'll jot down some of my highlights of the past year.
My relationship has gotten much better. It's never perfect, but it seems that the longer we're together, the more I see what a wonderful man my partner is. I really love him. Our sex has never been better. Without going into details, he satisfies me in all ways. Now if we had sex more often, I would be happier, but hey one does have to work during the week.
We got a dog. I never believed that a dog could add so much to the quality of your life. I love him so much I can't believe how much! Taking care of him takes lots of time and energy. But for some reason, I don't hate doing all that for my dog. It actually makes me happy. Strange no? The training, the cleaning, the taking it for a walk, paying attention to him, etc. All of it, no problem because I love him so much!The thing though is that my partner loves him as much as I do and it's as if we have a child together. Sounds really stupid, but really it feels that way.
I started researching a lot about natural healing and how using food can actually help your body heal. Of course the more research you do, the more confusing things gets. It seems my body responds favorably to low carb eating. Lots of people won't agree that it's a healthy way of eating, but for me, it seems to improve my blood work dramatically. The thing though, is that I sort of tweak my low-carb diet. It's not all about eating meat because I don't really like meat. I add fish and soy to my diet and beans. I also eat sugary sweets once a week as that's my weak point. I guess that's my vice, like smoking. I also have miso soup in the mornings and if I eat rice, I usually have brown or white with whole grains in them. I eat fresh fruits but keep it to 2-3 servings a day. I eat lots of vegetables and I pickle my own too with sea salt and splenda. I do take honey everyday with my herbal tea. So you see, it's a mish mash of eating good carbs that don't spike your blood sugar and whole grains as well as healthful foods like raw honey, organic vegetables and fruits and stuff like that. My body does look best when I stick to a strict low carb diet. so those who say low carb diets don't work are lying. They absolutely do work! Seriously they do! And they are NOT difficult! I've been trying to focus on what I put into my body. When I do this, I notice that I can actually taste the food I'm eating. I also seem to prefer simpler foods when I do that. I notice the subtle tastes of fresh, whole foods without all the seasonings. Very interesting.
My panic attacks have gotten much better as the year progressed. I still feel the occasional attack coming and I do feel sick now and then. But I seem to be able to manage the situation better than before. After all the visits to the hospital and various doctors that tell me nothing is wrong, I figure I have to take things into my own hands. Try to make these aches and pains go away holistically instead.
This year, I took my mother and sister to Thailand separately. Those were definitely my highlights. I must admit I did enjoy the trip with my sister much more just because my mother gave me a lot of stress on this trip. I think she stressed me out so much more on this trip than any other before. She seems to be getting crankier and nit picky about everything. I guess it's just her age or something. I got to know my sister much better through this trip and that was definitely a good thing.
This year I found out who my friends really were. I have a handful of wonderful people that I call my friends. I love them to pieces and appreciate them for being who they are.
So that's basically the past year for me. I read a lot of books, I learned a lot about women's fashion, I worked hard in my own way, learned how to manage my time better, and discovered a few new foods along the way.
Not a bad year at all!
1. Don't start anything new with the exception of my clothing business in virtual reality.
2. Eat macrobiotic as much as possible and to learn how to heal my body with foods.
3. Yoga
4. Meditation
5.Think positive
6.Fix my relationship
7.Get back in touch with key friends
So did I actually do all of the above? You know, actually I did! I didn't do yoga as much as I'd wanted to but I was so busy doing everything else. I did learn how to incorporate yoga into my life in small 10-minute increments throughout the day. I also learned how to control my panic attacks through breathing techniques and meditation. Positive thinking also helped. I also got a dog and although it was hard at first, I can't imagine life without a dog now. My relationship is the best it has ever been and I am back in touch with a few friends dear to my heart. I have learned so much about eating good food for health this year as well.
I think I'll jot down some of my highlights of the past year.
My relationship has gotten much better. It's never perfect, but it seems that the longer we're together, the more I see what a wonderful man my partner is. I really love him. Our sex has never been better. Without going into details, he satisfies me in all ways. Now if we had sex more often, I would be happier, but hey one does have to work during the week.
We got a dog. I never believed that a dog could add so much to the quality of your life. I love him so much I can't believe how much! Taking care of him takes lots of time and energy. But for some reason, I don't hate doing all that for my dog. It actually makes me happy. Strange no? The training, the cleaning, the taking it for a walk, paying attention to him, etc. All of it, no problem because I love him so much!The thing though is that my partner loves him as much as I do and it's as if we have a child together. Sounds really stupid, but really it feels that way.
I started researching a lot about natural healing and how using food can actually help your body heal. Of course the more research you do, the more confusing things gets. It seems my body responds favorably to low carb eating. Lots of people won't agree that it's a healthy way of eating, but for me, it seems to improve my blood work dramatically. The thing though, is that I sort of tweak my low-carb diet. It's not all about eating meat because I don't really like meat. I add fish and soy to my diet and beans. I also eat sugary sweets once a week as that's my weak point. I guess that's my vice, like smoking. I also have miso soup in the mornings and if I eat rice, I usually have brown or white with whole grains in them. I eat fresh fruits but keep it to 2-3 servings a day. I eat lots of vegetables and I pickle my own too with sea salt and splenda. I do take honey everyday with my herbal tea. So you see, it's a mish mash of eating good carbs that don't spike your blood sugar and whole grains as well as healthful foods like raw honey, organic vegetables and fruits and stuff like that. My body does look best when I stick to a strict low carb diet. so those who say low carb diets don't work are lying. They absolutely do work! Seriously they do! And they are NOT difficult! I've been trying to focus on what I put into my body. When I do this, I notice that I can actually taste the food I'm eating. I also seem to prefer simpler foods when I do that. I notice the subtle tastes of fresh, whole foods without all the seasonings. Very interesting.
My panic attacks have gotten much better as the year progressed. I still feel the occasional attack coming and I do feel sick now and then. But I seem to be able to manage the situation better than before. After all the visits to the hospital and various doctors that tell me nothing is wrong, I figure I have to take things into my own hands. Try to make these aches and pains go away holistically instead.
This year, I took my mother and sister to Thailand separately. Those were definitely my highlights. I must admit I did enjoy the trip with my sister much more just because my mother gave me a lot of stress on this trip. I think she stressed me out so much more on this trip than any other before. She seems to be getting crankier and nit picky about everything. I guess it's just her age or something. I got to know my sister much better through this trip and that was definitely a good thing.
This year I found out who my friends really were. I have a handful of wonderful people that I call my friends. I love them to pieces and appreciate them for being who they are.
So that's basically the past year for me. I read a lot of books, I learned a lot about women's fashion, I worked hard in my own way, learned how to manage my time better, and discovered a few new foods along the way.
Not a bad year at all!
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Hello hello and good morning!
Yeah weird title I know. It's a bit past 1am here in Tokyo and I was in bed for an hour and it just didn't seem like I was going to fall asleep anytime soon. So I'm at my PC once again thinking about fashion and my trip to Hawaii next week.
I'm really looking forward to my Hawaii trip. I haven't been back for nearly 3 years and I can't wait to spend Christmas with my family. I still don't really know what to get the kids, but so far, I bought a whole bunch of Japanese candies that I think they might like. Gosh, kids are hard to buy stuff for these days. I think tomorrow, I should try and look for something for my sister as well. Her boyfriend is hard because he's really picky with what he likes. Oh well, I'll just follow my instincts and buy what I think they would like.
This entire month was a busy one for me. Or should I say I had a pretty busy year! One of the projects that I started on was designing clothes for the virtual world Second Life. At first it really started out as just fun, but then I went ahead and spent $1000 on photoshop. So I figure I have to at least try and make that money back right?
Anyway, almost a year later, I'm working on my winter collection and looks like it's doing great so far. I just need to get it more known so I really need to push my PR person to push a bit harder I think. Yes, I employ a PR person in the virtual world and actually pay her! haha. Yes it all sounds crazy but it's true! I've also been asked to design a wedding dress and suit for a lesbian wedding which would be in February. Also I'll be participating in a huge fashion show in March for my spring collection. Yes it all costs money so naturally, I need to make money from my clothes. So am I making money from this little(or big?) project? You know, I am....I really am! After expenses and all, I really don't make that much. I forgot to tell you that I also own land(which I purchased for $1000US) and an upkeep of $295 per month you see. And I pay to employ people like a PR person, models, photographers, etc. Yep, this thing has gotten bigger than I thought it would be and I seriously am living my Second Life!
The funny thing is that, I am really enjoying the entire process. I've learned so much from this experience and I know I will learn much more! So what'S my goal in this virtual world you ask? Well that's easy you see. It's to become one of the top 5 designers in Second Life,....period! This is actually easier said than done, but one needs a goal like that to carry on every single day designing and working on something virtual.
I've decided to post a couple of my designs here. And yes, all of the designs were hand-painted by myself!!! Textures, patterns, buttons, shadows and fold, everything!
I am proud of this collection so here we go!
So there are two designs for women that I created. I'm too lazy to upload the men's collection but I am proud of them too.
Today, we just did a photoshoot of the new clothes with a couple of models. It took a long time but I think it's going to come out great! So many projects coming up and I haven't even done my translation work yet! hahaha
Ok, working in Real Life tomorrow on my translation work!
Yep, I am kind of weird today because I'm in a very weird mood. However I am happy and that's all that matters today.
Goodnight ;)
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
My sister's Japan trip 2008
My sister and I haven't seen each other for about 3 years. I really missed her and hoped so much that she would come to Tokyo to see me. She's always so busy in Hawaii and needed to spend quality time with her. Finally my dream came true and we had a really great time!
She has a new boyfriend and he came to meet up halfway through the trip. He's a good man.
One thing I'm happy about is the fact that my sister and my boyfriend really like each other. He always asks about her and she's always saying how much she likes him. Puts a smile on my face.
I tried to think of all the places I wanted to take them. It was so difficult because there are just too many places to take them to. In the end, we ended up doing half of the things I wanted to do.
One night, we met up with my boyfriend in Marunouchi, the wall street district of Tokyo. We all got a bit wasted and that's when I got to know her boyfriend.
My sister got to meet my good friends in Tokyo. It's funny how she quickly bonded with all of them! Had so much fun that they wanted to see her again before she left.
I guess what I remember most about my sister is her smile and personality. I never knew how adorable she was until I got to know her this time. I always loved her and she will always be special to me. But this trip made me realize just how much.
I tried to think of all the places I wanted to take them. It was so difficult because there are just too many places to take them to. In the end, we ended up doing half of the things I wanted to do.
One night, we met up with my boyfriend in Marunouchi, the wall street district of Tokyo. We all got a bit wasted and that's when I got to know her boyfriend.
My sister got to meet my good friends in Tokyo. It's funny how she quickly bonded with all of them! Had so much fun that they wanted to see her again before she left.
I guess what I remember most about my sister is her smile and personality. I never knew how adorable she was until I got to know her this time. I always loved her and she will always be special to me. But this trip made me realize just how much. I hope we can do this again sometime. I'd like to take her to Paris this time. ;)
Karuizawa 2008
Our annual trip to Karuizawa included a stop at a blueberry farm. It was the first time I ever picked fresh blueberries. After this experience, I've decided it's just much easier to buy them at the store! It's harder than it looks to find ripe blueberries.
Of course, we met up with the straight couple. This is their cat. They've decided to buy a cat since they don't have kids. Cute cat....however I am allergic to cats and I was suffering to get out of the house!
Our macrobiotic meal at the blueberry farm. I swear it took them an hour to bring out our food. By this time, we were all in a pretty bad mood and starving to death!
My sweetie pie. ;)
Dinner at a french restaurant in Karuizawa. Nice but it was actually just so-so. The course actually starts at the bottom. Just too lazy to redo them. hehe
I really was hoping for a better dining experience. Maybe next time, we will choose a better place. Oh well.
The sherbets were lovly. The other stuff passable.
The beef dish was too heavy for us. The sauce too salty. I only ate half.
Fish was good. But a bit dry and just didn't seem all that freshly made.
Soup was just corn potage. Nothing special either. Hmmmm
The scallop dish was the best this evening. Very good.
This is where the meal starts at the french restaurant. The amuse bushe. Pastry crust with sun-dried tomatos. Really mediocre. Something I can easily make at home.
The mediocre eel dish we had for lunch. I swear, it just wasn't that good.
My sweetie pie driving. I love my partner.
I really was hoping for a better dining experience. Maybe next time, we will choose a better place. Oh well.
The sherbets were lovly. The other stuff passable.
The beef dish was too heavy for us. The sauce too salty. I only ate half.
Fish was good. But a bit dry and just didn't seem all that freshly made.
Soup was just corn potage. Nothing special either. Hmmmm
The scallop dish was the best this evening. Very good.
This is where the meal starts at the french restaurant. The amuse bushe. Pastry crust with sun-dried tomatos. Really mediocre. Something I can easily make at home.
The mediocre eel dish we had for lunch. I swear, it just wasn't that good.
My sweetie pie driving. I love my partner. Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Hey hey!
Wow, it's been a while since I've written in my blog. I've been so busy with so many things going on, but I admit, I've been rather lazy with the blogging. My organizational skills has diminished to about zero, and my schedule is rather messy. Maybe it's my new dog or my relatives and friends coming over....I don't know. I just know that I never seem to have enough time in a day to do everything I want to do! Anyway, let's see what's happened these few months.
Firstly, my dog Justin, can now sit and beg! haha! He also loves his daily walks! Yay! So Justin and I are fine and he's my baby now. No one can take him away from me and that's that!
Secondly, I got to spend some quality time with my sister, who I haven't seen in quite some time. We went to Thailand together and had a blast! She also met some of my closest friends in Tokyo and got along quite well with them! Her boyfriend came over to stay too. He's a bit different and seems to have a hard time bonding with people. Needless to say, we never bonded and I never really got to know him that well except that he really likes McDonald's and he's very "American". He does have some good traits though and they are good ones. He's very serious in character and personality, which is good and bad at the same time. It's bad because it can get boring. It's good because he takes things seriously and takes control and responsibility when the need arises. I'm still trying to decide whether he's good for my sister or not. He will make a good provider for a family. Not too sure about showing love and caring in the way my sister needs. I do like him though. I just need to pry him apart next time he comes over.
My sister was more charming than I remembered her to be. She has this wonderful laugh that just makes you want to laugh with her. I love her to pieces and hope that we can travel together again.
It's almost winter here in Tokyo. I really don't care so much about the cold weather mostly because it makes me feel sick. I don't know why but it just does. I hate taking showers in the winter and just the thought of leaving the house is enough to make me crawl back into my bed!
Anyway, I hope my boyfriend doesn't forget to take good care of me this Christmas. You know he's usually very unromantic this time of the year. This is when I feel especially sad sometimes just because he makes me feel that way. I do love him though for everything that he is. He just makes me sad for everything he's not. haha. Well, nobody's perfect I guess. I do love him. I love him. I love love love him. I must keep repeating to myself.
Firstly, my dog Justin, can now sit and beg! haha! He also loves his daily walks! Yay! So Justin and I are fine and he's my baby now. No one can take him away from me and that's that!
Secondly, I got to spend some quality time with my sister, who I haven't seen in quite some time. We went to Thailand together and had a blast! She also met some of my closest friends in Tokyo and got along quite well with them! Her boyfriend came over to stay too. He's a bit different and seems to have a hard time bonding with people. Needless to say, we never bonded and I never really got to know him that well except that he really likes McDonald's and he's very "American". He does have some good traits though and they are good ones. He's very serious in character and personality, which is good and bad at the same time. It's bad because it can get boring. It's good because he takes things seriously and takes control and responsibility when the need arises. I'm still trying to decide whether he's good for my sister or not. He will make a good provider for a family. Not too sure about showing love and caring in the way my sister needs. I do like him though. I just need to pry him apart next time he comes over.
My sister was more charming than I remembered her to be. She has this wonderful laugh that just makes you want to laugh with her. I love her to pieces and hope that we can travel together again.
It's almost winter here in Tokyo. I really don't care so much about the cold weather mostly because it makes me feel sick. I don't know why but it just does. I hate taking showers in the winter and just the thought of leaving the house is enough to make me crawl back into my bed!
Anyway, I hope my boyfriend doesn't forget to take good care of me this Christmas. You know he's usually very unromantic this time of the year. This is when I feel especially sad sometimes just because he makes me feel that way. I do love him though for everything that he is. He just makes me sad for everything he's not. haha. Well, nobody's perfect I guess. I do love him. I love him. I love love love him. I must keep repeating to myself.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Getting better day by day and a pretty good Saturday
You know, I think my panic attacks are getting better, or should I say, getting less severe. I really think all that positive thinking and ignoring everything that stresses me out is working! I'm still extremely busy these days. Like this week, I had tons of real life work with a whole batch of translation work I had to get done, in addition to my second life work. My dog is getting crazier by the day and needs constant attention. My apartment is getting messier by the minute because of the dog and less time for cleaning. I go to the hospital twice a week for various reasons like a senior citizen, and still have to clean the house to an extent, wash dishes,cook, do the laundry, vacuum everyday(again because of shedding from my dog) constantly wiping and disinfecting the floor(again due to my dog) and.....ok, just take a deep breath and slow down. Lie down on your bed, look up at the clear blue sky(or grey sky depending on the day), think about all the good things going on in your life right now and unwind.
Yes, this is pretty much how my life works these days. I never seem to have enough time to do everything I want, but hey that's life right? I still manage to do yoga at least 3 times a day. I actually force myself away from the computer to do this, which is not easy. :) But if I dont do this, I usually end up pretty stressed out by day three and my face starts hurting and I can feel the attacks coming again. It's definitely not worth it so, I stop and get my yoga mat out. I do some yoga to de-stress. If it's a nice day, I make it a point to hop on my bike and ride a bit.
How what do I do when someone or something bugs me or does something to irritate me or get me upset? I simply ignore it and not dwell on it at that moment. If I dont like something, I will change it or make a decision right then and there as much as I can. The important thing is to keep my cool and to stay stress free because health, at this point in my life, is most important.
Ok, I am really starting to sound like an old lady!
My dog, Justin has learned to sit and beg for food. He's learned his name I think. I think he understand when I say NO, he's doing something he's not supposed to. In the morning, when I get up, he greets me and I splay myself onto the floor to just be with him for about 20 minutes. I rub him all over the place and get his gook out of his eyes. I check his teeth and other body parts for anything that might be wrong. This is our morning ritual. I dont do anything else. Then after 20 minutes, I get up and finally brush my teeth and wash my face. I make some decaf soy latte or green tea soy latte. I usually have a cup of vegetable juice as well. I start toasting a whole-wheat bagle or something of that sort in the toaster or make some miso soup with brown rice, depending on what I have left over. I check my emails while eating with one hand and petting my dog with the other. I then feed Justin his breakfast. After he eats, I keep a watchful eye on him until he decides he needs to take a dump. If he goes to his toilet and shits in the correct place, I have to make sure to really praise him until he's begging me to stop. Then I put a load of laundry into the machine, I wash my dishes, do some vacuuming and finally, I'm able to start work of any kind.
Of course, throughout the day, I take Justin for a 30 minute walk, feed him again, give him baby milk, clean his pee several times a day, clean his cage, fold laundry, work, find time for yoga, work, clean, play tug-of-war with Justin, work, clean, make dinner, work, take a shower.....something like that.
As you can see, Justin has become a major part of my life and I must say, I really truly love him to bits! I cannot imagine a life without the little rascal anymore. Every second of my dogs life, I want to make it fun and enjoyable. Wherever I go, I'm looking for new snacks he might like, toys that he might enjoy and I just cannot love him anymore than I do now. It's funny because I never thought I would ever become so attached to an animal. I love love love Justin!!!
Today, I went to Disney Sea with my boyfriend to renew our annual passports. It was a nice day and since summer is virtually over, we decided to spend some time there. It was nice and for the first time in a very long time, I did not have a panic attack.
Yes, this is pretty much how my life works these days. I never seem to have enough time to do everything I want, but hey that's life right? I still manage to do yoga at least 3 times a day. I actually force myself away from the computer to do this, which is not easy. :) But if I dont do this, I usually end up pretty stressed out by day three and my face starts hurting and I can feel the attacks coming again. It's definitely not worth it so, I stop and get my yoga mat out. I do some yoga to de-stress. If it's a nice day, I make it a point to hop on my bike and ride a bit.
How what do I do when someone or something bugs me or does something to irritate me or get me upset? I simply ignore it and not dwell on it at that moment. If I dont like something, I will change it or make a decision right then and there as much as I can. The important thing is to keep my cool and to stay stress free because health, at this point in my life, is most important.
Ok, I am really starting to sound like an old lady!
My dog, Justin has learned to sit and beg for food. He's learned his name I think. I think he understand when I say NO, he's doing something he's not supposed to. In the morning, when I get up, he greets me and I splay myself onto the floor to just be with him for about 20 minutes. I rub him all over the place and get his gook out of his eyes. I check his teeth and other body parts for anything that might be wrong. This is our morning ritual. I dont do anything else. Then after 20 minutes, I get up and finally brush my teeth and wash my face. I make some decaf soy latte or green tea soy latte. I usually have a cup of vegetable juice as well. I start toasting a whole-wheat bagle or something of that sort in the toaster or make some miso soup with brown rice, depending on what I have left over. I check my emails while eating with one hand and petting my dog with the other. I then feed Justin his breakfast. After he eats, I keep a watchful eye on him until he decides he needs to take a dump. If he goes to his toilet and shits in the correct place, I have to make sure to really praise him until he's begging me to stop. Then I put a load of laundry into the machine, I wash my dishes, do some vacuuming and finally, I'm able to start work of any kind.
Of course, throughout the day, I take Justin for a 30 minute walk, feed him again, give him baby milk, clean his pee several times a day, clean his cage, fold laundry, work, find time for yoga, work, clean, play tug-of-war with Justin, work, clean, make dinner, work, take a shower.....something like that.
As you can see, Justin has become a major part of my life and I must say, I really truly love him to bits! I cannot imagine a life without the little rascal anymore. Every second of my dogs life, I want to make it fun and enjoyable. Wherever I go, I'm looking for new snacks he might like, toys that he might enjoy and I just cannot love him anymore than I do now. It's funny because I never thought I would ever become so attached to an animal. I love love love Justin!!!
Today, I went to Disney Sea with my boyfriend to renew our annual passports. It was a nice day and since summer is virtually over, we decided to spend some time there. It was nice and for the first time in a very long time, I did not have a panic attack.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Justin
Justin arrived at my home approximately one month ago. As you can see, he loves soft things like towels and pillows. He's usually making a mess of things while I'm working on my PC. When he exhausts himself after a play session, he finds the nearest soft spot and relaxes. 
Justin's a chihuahua and miniature dachshund mix breed. I fell in love at first sight.Saturday, August 23, 2008
Good days
Today I wake up feeling a bit lazy and tired. After all, I've been designing every day for the past week. Combining that with all my work and taking care of my doggie, I have a really busy day. However I'm feeling great and never felt better than I've felt in a long time. A couple of things I'm doing that's making a world of a difference. I have a routine that I try to keep to. My day starts out with lying in bed, imaging the day to be a good day with perfect health. I then do a 10-minute yoga routine to wake up my body. I consciously prepare my breakfast and eat it slowly without any distractions. I concentrate in each bite I take savoring all the flavors. After all that, and only after I've done all that, I check my emails and transactions online. I then feed my dog after taking care of his doo-doo. Play with my doggie for 20 minutes or so. Then I take a shower and get ready to start my day of work.
Depending on what's planned for the day, I take care of clients, design clothes or do translation work. I focus on each moment and enjoy every minute of my work. If I find that I'm starting to become negative, I stop doing it if possible, to recharge by stretching or having some tea or taking a short walk around the block. I also manage to do some household chores during the day. I usually have at least, one load of laundry to do. I also must vacuum the apartment everyday, since my dog arrived. I wash the dishes that my boyfriend never washed. Yesterday I also scrubbed the bathtub and cleaned the toilet and sink area.
I eat mostly macrobiotic and stick to fish and whole grains. I make sure to participate in some form of exercise during the day, no matter how busy I get. This is always a priority.
I always end my day with a 10-minute yoga session to relax and prepare for sleep. I make myself some herbal tea and go into bed and read for about 10 minutes before falling asleep.
My days are full and yes, they are very busy. However I make sure that no matter how hectic it becomes, I remain happy and focus only on good things throughout the day. This is what I have been doing and I'm noticing that my body takes care of me while I take care of my body. Today is the third day in a row with no panic attacks. I still feel funny now and then, but I don't focus on those negative feelings. I really feel better and know I will continue to feel better.
So anyway, that's basically what I've been doing. hehehe
It's raining outside today, by the way. It's cool and the rain is making the summer weather rather pleasant.
Depending on what's planned for the day, I take care of clients, design clothes or do translation work. I focus on each moment and enjoy every minute of my work. If I find that I'm starting to become negative, I stop doing it if possible, to recharge by stretching or having some tea or taking a short walk around the block. I also manage to do some household chores during the day. I usually have at least, one load of laundry to do. I also must vacuum the apartment everyday, since my dog arrived. I wash the dishes that my boyfriend never washed. Yesterday I also scrubbed the bathtub and cleaned the toilet and sink area.
I eat mostly macrobiotic and stick to fish and whole grains. I make sure to participate in some form of exercise during the day, no matter how busy I get. This is always a priority.
I always end my day with a 10-minute yoga session to relax and prepare for sleep. I make myself some herbal tea and go into bed and read for about 10 minutes before falling asleep.
My days are full and yes, they are very busy. However I make sure that no matter how hectic it becomes, I remain happy and focus only on good things throughout the day. This is what I have been doing and I'm noticing that my body takes care of me while I take care of my body. Today is the third day in a row with no panic attacks. I still feel funny now and then, but I don't focus on those negative feelings. I really feel better and know I will continue to feel better.
So anyway, that's basically what I've been doing. hehehe
It's raining outside today, by the way. It's cool and the rain is making the summer weather rather pleasant.
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Tuesday update
Ok, it's been a while since I've posted. Too many things going on in my life. I needed to start taking control of my health and personal time. While my health is going through a very hard period in my life, I've decided to be pro-active about it and am forcing myself to change my lifestyle habits. I also have to face the fact that I need to relax and generally slow down my pace of life.
Fortunately, my doctor told me that I don't have to worry about my condition being vasculitis. You don't know how happy I was when I heard that. I was all ready for my brain biopsy and just psyched myself up for the surgery and all. In the end, everything turned out ok. However, symptoms still remain and now I'm seeing all sorts of doctors on a weekly basis. ENT doctor, neurologist, psychiatrist, anesthesiologist and I'm getting MRIs of the brain and neck, EKGs, numerous blood tests and more! They cannot figure out why I'm getting these pains in my face and neck areas. My panic attacks are getting sort of worse and now my psychiatrist is thinking that it may be something else other than a panic attack. It's funny because that's what I've been trying to tell my doctors for the past 7 years. Anyway, I generally feel worse these days then I ever have and I'm having a difficult time trying to explain my symptoms because they are just too numerous to list. Tomorrow I go to see another doctor...he wants to check out my bones or something.
Anyway, what have I been doing for myself to help me cope with this shit? Well, like I said, one is to take it easy and relax. I know I have tons of things to do in real life and Second Life. However I have to remember that real life always must come first. After that's taken care of, take care of Second Life. If I don't do that, I risk my mental health as well as my physical health. I'm going to be good to myself and do as much as I can and enjoy it while I'm doing it. I've heard so many stories about people quitting Second Life because it just got too much and I'm not that far away from that point. I don't want to get to that point so I must balance. I must also try and remember to enjoy logging in to SEcond Life. Yep, for awhile there I always felt immense stress everytime I logged in. Not a good sign at all. So how will I run my Second Life business while keeping myself sane?
I already know what I need to do. I will have to create a business plan ASAP so I can start working better and even start to enjoy Second Life again!
Back to real life...I'm working on thinking only positive thoughts in order to give out positive vibrations throughout the universe as to attract good things and only good things. If negative things happen(which they do more often than not), I just look for the positives in those experiences and go on. Now, I've been doing this for most of my life but especially with my health not cooperating, it's pretty hard to stay upbeat. However this, I realize is of upmost importance to my road to recovery of all my ailments so I need to constantly work on this. I also have been doing yoga as well as working out generally on a regular basis. No matter what kind of work I'm doing, I log off my PC to give myself a couple of hours to take care of myself.
I love doing yoga these days. I've been thinking about the people I love, what I'm thankful for in life and simple stuff like how green the trees look outside my window. I learned that you should be thinking of these things as you're doing yoga. I notice that when I do that, my yoga session goes much more smoothly, my body becomes more limber and my session just seems more enjoyable. I also feel much more refreshed at the end of my sessions.
I've been eating mostly macrobiotic lately, except for the occasional dessert, which I treat to myself once in awhile. But these days, I like to start my day off with a bowl of miso soup with lots of veggies. I only eat brown rice and for noodles, I stick to whole wheat pasta or buckwheat noodles. I mostly use extra virgin olive oil and buy only the freshest produce in season. I'm teaching myself how to make some sweet desserts with natural and wholesome ingredients using nothing processed. I made some black sesame scones the other day that tasted pretty good upon baking them, but tasted sort of chalky a day later. Well, like they say, practice makes perfect!
My dog Justin arrived into my family about a week ago. He's a cute little puppy that has unlimited energy. Because he's a puppy, I need to watch him most of the day of every single movement he makes. It's pretty tiring but I actually love doing it. By the end of the day, with the combination of my puppy, work and my health just being in less than great shape, I'm ready to just sleep. But I love Justin so much and I made a promise to him that no matter what happens, I will take care of him forever. hehehe
Ok, tomorrow is another day and good things await me I know. I will get a great night's sleep and have a fabulous day tomorrow.
Fortunately, my doctor told me that I don't have to worry about my condition being vasculitis. You don't know how happy I was when I heard that. I was all ready for my brain biopsy and just psyched myself up for the surgery and all. In the end, everything turned out ok. However, symptoms still remain and now I'm seeing all sorts of doctors on a weekly basis. ENT doctor, neurologist, psychiatrist, anesthesiologist and I'm getting MRIs of the brain and neck, EKGs, numerous blood tests and more! They cannot figure out why I'm getting these pains in my face and neck areas. My panic attacks are getting sort of worse and now my psychiatrist is thinking that it may be something else other than a panic attack. It's funny because that's what I've been trying to tell my doctors for the past 7 years. Anyway, I generally feel worse these days then I ever have and I'm having a difficult time trying to explain my symptoms because they are just too numerous to list. Tomorrow I go to see another doctor...he wants to check out my bones or something.
Anyway, what have I been doing for myself to help me cope with this shit? Well, like I said, one is to take it easy and relax. I know I have tons of things to do in real life and Second Life. However I have to remember that real life always must come first. After that's taken care of, take care of Second Life. If I don't do that, I risk my mental health as well as my physical health. I'm going to be good to myself and do as much as I can and enjoy it while I'm doing it. I've heard so many stories about people quitting Second Life because it just got too much and I'm not that far away from that point. I don't want to get to that point so I must balance. I must also try and remember to enjoy logging in to SEcond Life. Yep, for awhile there I always felt immense stress everytime I logged in. Not a good sign at all. So how will I run my Second Life business while keeping myself sane?
I already know what I need to do. I will have to create a business plan ASAP so I can start working better and even start to enjoy Second Life again!
Back to real life...I'm working on thinking only positive thoughts in order to give out positive vibrations throughout the universe as to attract good things and only good things. If negative things happen(which they do more often than not), I just look for the positives in those experiences and go on. Now, I've been doing this for most of my life but especially with my health not cooperating, it's pretty hard to stay upbeat. However this, I realize is of upmost importance to my road to recovery of all my ailments so I need to constantly work on this. I also have been doing yoga as well as working out generally on a regular basis. No matter what kind of work I'm doing, I log off my PC to give myself a couple of hours to take care of myself.
I love doing yoga these days. I've been thinking about the people I love, what I'm thankful for in life and simple stuff like how green the trees look outside my window. I learned that you should be thinking of these things as you're doing yoga. I notice that when I do that, my yoga session goes much more smoothly, my body becomes more limber and my session just seems more enjoyable. I also feel much more refreshed at the end of my sessions.
I've been eating mostly macrobiotic lately, except for the occasional dessert, which I treat to myself once in awhile. But these days, I like to start my day off with a bowl of miso soup with lots of veggies. I only eat brown rice and for noodles, I stick to whole wheat pasta or buckwheat noodles. I mostly use extra virgin olive oil and buy only the freshest produce in season. I'm teaching myself how to make some sweet desserts with natural and wholesome ingredients using nothing processed. I made some black sesame scones the other day that tasted pretty good upon baking them, but tasted sort of chalky a day later. Well, like they say, practice makes perfect!
My dog Justin arrived into my family about a week ago. He's a cute little puppy that has unlimited energy. Because he's a puppy, I need to watch him most of the day of every single movement he makes. It's pretty tiring but I actually love doing it. By the end of the day, with the combination of my puppy, work and my health just being in less than great shape, I'm ready to just sleep. But I love Justin so much and I made a promise to him that no matter what happens, I will take care of him forever. hehehe
Ok, tomorrow is another day and good things await me I know. I will get a great night's sleep and have a fabulous day tomorrow.
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