My Hawaii trip

Today is my last day of my Hawaii trip. I arrived here about 2 weeks ago and it's already time for me to leave. I'm sad that I'm leaving my family again. Also sad about leaving my friends. But I am eager to see my doggie back home and get back home to my normal life. I always seem to come here and leave here with mixed feelings. It's a weird and uncomfortable feeling. It always is.

The day I arrived, I was jet lagged as always. In order to get my back into a normal rhythm, I forced myself to stay awake as long as I could. However the next day, I felt terrible and unfortunately I found myself in bed for an entire day. I also spent a night at my sister's place but when I got back home to my mom's, I was sick again and was in bed for 2 days this time. So my trip started out with me being sick most of the time. I think it was the week before I left Japan that was at fault as I was busy like crazy, getting stressed out to the maximum. I had so many things to do and I think my body just broke down when I got here.

I did all the usual things....eating and shopping, walking on the beach,etc. My boyfriend met up with me for 5 days during the trip which was nice. I always have a good time with him and so that was great. I met up with my friend Michael just twice this time, as he's been quite busy with work. I wish I could've spent more time with him but hey that's life right. I got to spend some quality time with my sister and that was a treat for me.

My mother is getting old and cranky. She's also getting moody and seems to be out of control with her emotions. It is frustrating, irritating and sad. When I come to Hawaii, I love seeing her. At the same time, she gets me quite stressed and puts a damper on my days here. I know it sounds really mean and I'm hating myself for even thinking that. However it's true and though it may be mean and not right to feel this way, it's the truth. I find myself ready to snap and lose my temper but I fight it and fortunately, what I'm thinking doesn't manifest itself into actual words. I sometimes wish I could have an honest heart-to-heart talk with my mother, but if I do, I know it would make her really sad. I prefer her to keep thinking that she's not frustrating me.
But it's hard and I don't know why I'm having a harder time dealing with it. Is it me that's changing or is it my mother that's changed? Yes, my mother has always been cranky and difficult, but not to this extent, never. She used to smile a lot more and she was fun. She used to take walks and enjoyed little things. Now she's difficult and it gets harder and harder to get her to smile. She talks about getting old and it almost seems as if she is tired of living. She no longer cooks and no matter what I do to try and help her to eat or cook, she doesnt seem to be making any effort. If I leave the house for the entire day, she is cranky and moody when I get back. If I spend a few hours with my sister, she gets upset and acts like a jealous wife. If I talk too long on the phone with my best friend, she wants me to get off as quick as possible.

I remember telling my sister on the phone a few years back that she has to just deal with my mother the best she can. My sister did just that and she still does. I absolutely give her credit for that. I can see that she is trying her hardest to keep things in place and not to rock the boat. I noticed for the first time that my sister and I are doing something very similiar. We are both careful not to get my mother angry. We are both always trying to keep her as happy as possible. We are both frustrated at the effort it required. We are both tired and sometimes feel like our brains are just going to snap. We both love her with our hearts. We both are happy that we were born her children. We are both trying to deal with this the best we can. It is equally difficult for the both of us.

My sister calls my mother on a regular basis but only when she has the energy. I call my mother only when I have the energy. My sister visits her only when she is sure she can handle it. I visit my mother but have to mentally prepare myself before my actual visit.

Now, is this normal for everyone else? It makes me wonder. I used to take it in stride....dealing with my mother. Maybe because she and I were younger, my mother not as fragile. So it was easier to confront her directly without thinking she would pass away due to my outburst or something. So I find myself constantly tense when I'm around her. Is this the way it's supposed to be? Why am I finding is to difficult? Do I have issues I haven't dealt with? What the hell is wrong with me? I really don't know and I think it's time for me to try and find out what it is.

My sister on the other hand, has been a blessing for me. We've always been close, but not as close as we are now. We were very close of course when we were kids, but I think we sort of drifted apart after I moved away. She had a family to take care of and I had to find myself in another country. We both grew up and evolved into lovely human beings I think. I have come to realize that she's is the one person I can actually talk to about family stuff. I never knew how comforting it was to be able to do that. As we get older, I think we are seeing that our lives are not really all that different. Sure, we live in different countries, she's straight and I'm gay, she has kids, I have a dog, etc, etc, etc,. But we really aren't that different which just goes to show that we really are related. hahaha

I was also happy about being able to see my nephews. Andrew, the older one, is having problems. He's an adolescent and is having growing pains like you wouldn't believe. The scary part is that, he's probably going through a repeat of my life when I was his age, except that he's not gay(at least I think he's not) and I was a confused gay boy. So I can totally relate to what he's going through and that's what's worrying me. I wish I could tell him that the road he's taking is a very difficult road indeed. I hope he realizes sooner than I did and start to change for the better. I feel so much love for the boy and it pains me to see him so lost and angry. It also hurts me to see my sister in so much agony over it. As for Taylor, the younger one, he's going to be just fine! He's growing up to be a handsome and well-adjusted individual and he just puts a smile on my face. I love them both and I'm glad to have met them this time around.

My sister's boyfriend of 2 years is trying his best. He is far from perfect I tell you and he has a lot of growing up to do. However he does have good traits and he would make a perfect husband if he's able to open up and try to see things from a different perspective other than his own. This is his biggest problem and it will hinder his progress. I do like him though and I only wish the best for him. I look forward to the day when I can meet my sister and her boyfriend without them arguing all the time. It's very heart-breaking to see and confusing as well. It's a very strange and complex relationship.

My best friend Michael needs to change starting last year!!! I get so frustrated at his laziness and procrastinating habits. Sure he's depressed and sure he has no life but as everyone knows, those things are the cause of choices he has made and that's that! Period! If he can do this one thing, everything would change for the better and I can pretty much guarantee that! Oh, I worry about this guy so much it's rediculous.

Now one of the highlights of this trip was meeting a very old ex of mine. I really was in love with this guy so it was weird seeing this guy over dinner again. I was glad I did though and I only have good wishes for him. I hope to meet him over dinner and drinks again very soon. He's a good guy and he deserves to be happy.

So like I said, it's been a mixed trip for me this time. It's been quite emotional for me on a personal level. Yes, when I go back to Tokyo, life goes on. However I'm not sure if I want to avoid these things anymore. If I could do something to change things, I want to do that. But what do I do is the question. I havent got a clue and I'm not happy about it.