A good Monday

The weather was nice today. Sunny and cool with a slight breeze. Well, I didn't appreciate the breeze because the wind hurts my eyes these days. You know, my Bell's Palsy keep my eyes wide open and I always manage to get some debris in them just walking along the street!

Well, I got up at a normal hour today. The repairman was coming over to fix our gas controls because hot water was not coming out. Well, it would cost us around 25000yen to replace the control. However his recommendation was to replace the entire gas machine or whatever you call that thing since that machine apparently is nearing its life on earth. Well that's not going to happen anytime soon because that, he said, would cost about 450,000yen not including labor!

Okay, got that out of the way. Next, I went to buy my mother some other things to send her. She loves dried sweet potatoes which only is available during fall. I also purchased some dried azuki beans which she loves. I went to the post office to send it and watched another DVD. This one I didn't cry as much and that's a good thing. My eyes were getting too puffy crying from the other one. Okay, I don't need to get any uglier...geeeeesh!

For lunch, I made a tuna salad and for dinner I cooked a pretty good oden, which is a Japanese stew. It's wonderful and warming during the colder season.

I worked a bit and now I'm relaxing with a diet coke. The time now...12:30AM!

Where am I going?

These days I have a lot of time on my hands. One reason is that I'm not really working right now. My days usually consist of waking up and eating, doing some yoga at home and grocery shopping before my evening starts. My evenings are spent eating dinner alone with a DVD, spending some time on the internet before getting ready to sleep. So this is how my life has been for the past 6 weeks or so. I'm not sure if it's because I'm depressed or just that I'm lazy. I know the Bell's Palsy started this endless cycle of lazy days doing nothing. I wanted to make sure I got a lot of rest so that I could recover as quickly as I could.

On the weekends, I do stuff with boyfriend. It's easier to do things when you have someone next to you when you are partially handicapped or feel like on at least. I feel secure in knowing that I can depend on him to get me an ambulance if anything unusual happens. Yeah, I know, it's all in my mind as usual, but that's just me these days.

I realize it's the end of the year and we're just a few days away from November. I'm thinking of taking a vacation in December to LA with my boyfriend, although it's difficult trying to get tickets. So far, no luck and the ones that are available are just too expensive. I am looking forward to that. I was going to visit Hawaii but no luck with tickets. So instead, LA seemed like the next best thing.

So until a few days ago, I was really getting psyched about going to LA because it's one of my favorite cities and I haven't been there in a while. I wanted to visit Disneyland again and go shopping on Melrose Avenue and eat a hot dog from Pinkies. Then all of a sudden today< I thought to myself...what's the use? After I go to LA, what comes after that? What awaits me when I get back to Tokyo?

I feel as though I don't really know where I'm going and I'm at a crossroad with a big stop sign. So I'm standing there and don't really know which way I should be going. I am stuck. My engines have stopped running. My legs are deep in quicksand. What now? What next? Where do I do from here?

After 41 years, I still don't have the answers. Christmas is right around the corner and guess what? No big deal!!! It's just another holiday! I used to look forward to the holiday season. All of a sudden, this year, I feel no excitement. Nothing. Nada.

Why? Why? Why? I don't know why. Maybe it's all the movies I've been watching on DVD. They're all kind of dark and depressing and complicated. Maybe the DVDs are starting to affect me. I don't know. Whatever...I just hope that tomorrow I wake up with some sort of direction because I really don't like where I am right now.

Reasons

This year has not been good to me. However I always try to find the positives in everything. There must be a reason why I suffer from massive panic attacks that feel like a heart attack and my face is half paralyzed. There just has to be.

I'm thinking that God is testing me. Maybe I've been really selfish and not considerate enough towards other people. I know for sure, that's the reason why I have panic attacks. Well, at least that's what I'd like to believe because that makes it easier for me to endure them. Yes, I now understand what people with panic attacks go through and I can relate from the bottom of my heart. I used to think that it was all in the head, but now I know most of the time you can't really do anything about it. It just comes unexpectedly at the most inconvenient of times.

Now for the facial paralysis, I have no explanation except that it makes me think twice when I look at people with a droopy face. Instead of thinking they're mentally retarded or handicapped, I know that maybe they just have Bell's Palsy. Now I know that their mental capacity might be absolutely normal. I mean I sort of look retarded with my lop-sided face so I know that people might think I'm sort of stupid. So that may be the reason...to help me relate to people with facial paralysis.

All in all, the reason for all these things happening to me is most likely because I need to start appreciating what I have. That happiness doesn't depend on material things and beauty. It's what's inside that really counts.

Do I believe that? Hmm...you tell me.

My life

Today I decided to find whatever that was saved from my old website and keep them in my blog just in case my computer crashes or I die, or whatever. I've also decided to not keep any more secrets in cyberspace at least. I realize that life is messy and shit happens. People are not perfect and you do stuff that you might regret later on. So I'm going to just open myself up. Maybe I'll learn more about myself this way. Perhaps you'll get to know me inside and out...the good stuff as well as the bad. If you still like me, I guess we could be friends!

I'm tired of covering things up as secrets. I hate having secrets. So for those who don't know, I have a secret website called the Secret Garden. You can find a link to it on this blog in the sidebar under "links". It's easy to find. Just don't be too mean to me ok.

If you don't like what you see, please stop reading it. If after reading it, you decide you find me despicable, please delete me out of your life. I'm just at a point in my life where I need to just lay everything in front of me so I can get a clear picture of myself and go from there.

Okay, as usual I'm rambling and so I will stop here right now!

Bad day

There hasn't been much improvement of my Bells Palsy and it's still frustrating to see no change when I wake up in the morning...or should I say around 11am. I'm still extremely tired and sleepy all the time it seems and I find myself sleeping most of the day. However I'm getting used to things. I'm getting used to the fact that my face is not what it used to be. I'm getting used to looking down and not smiling at people. I'm getting used to the stuffed ear feeling inside my head. I'm getting used to not meeting people. I'm getting used to not going to the gym. I'm getting used to all of it.

I know things could be worse, but combine Bells Palsy with my panic attacks and sometimes I feel like just giving up. I don't know what's important anymore except perhaps my mother and sister. I always think about them and pray to God to keep my mother healthy and happy. For me, I guess I've lived a good life and I've been lucky.

I must admit though that if God gave me just one more ailment that I have to deal with, I would probably just give up.

Sorry, I'm not in the best of moods today.

My real-time post.

I just returned from Bangkok yesterday. I must say that although I was suffering from Bells Palsy and felt uncomfortable for most of my trip, I'm glad that I did it. Just like my Okinawan trip, I needed to do it for the confidence and to not let my illness debilitate me in any way.

Today, my face felt really uncomfortable...the most discomfort I've felt since I got BP. My ears were ringing in both ears, the inside of my head felt heavy, my eyes were extremely heavy, my face hurt and felt so tight, my good side felt weak and felt tingly all day. I really can't describe the discomfort. However I read that this was usually a good sign and means that my nerves are starting to regenerate. It's tough though and I swear, it's been a very hard day. Good news is that my mouth seems to have a bit more movement...still crooked though.

My friend Michael really seems to sleep alot these days. He usually sleep a lot anyway, but I notice he sleeps even more. He can't seem to spend an entire day outdoors which is really bad for a guy the same age as me. I'm worried about his health.

Second Day in Okinawa...with BP

Second day, we woke up and spent some time at the beach. We then checked out of the hotel and drove down to Naha, which is the main entertainement, shopping area in Okinawa. On the way, I felt so bad I had to try and sleep it off in the car. I forced myself to get out and we found a restaurant to eat some noodles. Here is what I ordered.
This is my boyfriend's meal. Looks good doesn't it? Well, I felt so bad and nauseated that I was hardly able to touch my food. My boyfriend started to get upset and I felt bad so I forced a smile on my face and slowly attempted to eat my food. I swear, that was one of the hardest things to do. I ended up leaving most of the food in my bowl and told my boyfriend that it was delicious, but I was just tired.
After lunch though I felt better and we ended the day at Duty Free. My boyfriend had a really yummy looking curry.
I ordered noodles again because I didn't really remember the taste during lunch. The Okinawan noodles really are delicious.
I did buy a bag at Duty Free. It cost me a lot, but I really wanted to invest in a good quality leather tote bag. I think it was worth the $8oo.
It was fun being able to shop duty free within Japan.
I survived the trip and I was glad that I went. I didn't die and I actually enjoyed my trip.

Okinawa day one continued...

I really wanted to visit the Blue Seal Ice Cream Parlor. It's a famous chain in Okinawa and I think it's affiliated with Foremost Ice Cream in Hawaii. The sign looks familiar anyway. The ice cream was just so-so, but the flavors were unique. Ube, coconut, papaya and other tropical flavors you can't get in Japan.
In the evening we had some local cuisine.
Chanpuru, which is a stir-fry of local ingredients, was simple and delicious.
This is the famous Rafti, belly pork simmered until melt-in-your-mouth tender.
This beef salad was great.
Stir-fried somen noodles with vegetables.

After the meal, my mouth was hurting and I was drained. We went shopping at a supermarket I really wanted to visit. I forgot the name, but they had a very good apple pie there. We purchased some Okinawan goodies to take back home and a bag of dragon fruit, which is now one of my favorite fruits!

I was very nervous going to sleep as the night before I woke up with a terrible panic attack and had to the emergency room. Fortunately, I slept well and survived the night.

Okinawa with Bell's Palsy Day One

Only one day after a visit to the emergency room and two days after my diagnosis of Bell's Palsy, my boyfriend and I left for Okinawa. I was scared shitless but my boyfriend looked really disappointed and I figured, if I die or something, I might as well die on vacation. So after a little over 2 hours, we arrived in Okinawa.
The minute we arrived, it felt like we had arrived in Hawaii. My eyes were extremely sensitive to bright lights and I so I had to wear sunglasses most of the time.
Okinawa was a place that reminded me of Hawaii, yet very Japanese. The first time I went to Okinawa was when I was working for the airlines and we were there for just half a day so I really don't remember much.

Our hotel was centrally located on the beach near American Village. The weather did not seem to cooperate with us and seemed to cloud over as soon as we stepped foot on the beach.
Actually that worked for me since my eyes were so sensitive and I really wasn't feeling too well. Still, I managed to enjoy the trip.
The worst part for me was just getting used to keeping my eyes moist and I seem to get dizzy a lot of the time. Eating was also a big problem.

Very beautiful graffiti at the beach. I wish I had the energy to walk the entire length.

Our room was a family type room with a living room and a separate bedroom. Very comfortable indeed.
We really didn't get to relax much as it was just an overnighter. Much too short for a trip to Okinawa.