Another cold day

The temperature seems to drop a degree as each day goes by. I try to stay upbeat and positive about the winter by thinking of everything that's the holiday season....the sweets, food and twinkling lights in the city. Still I admit I dread the winter. I just don't do well in the freezing cold. I find myself looking for deals on flights to Singapore, Hawaii and even Guam. If Korea were warm during the winters, I would be there more often that's for sure. The fuel surcharge is only 2500 yen one way and tickets can be had for a very low price.

Last night I had the weirdest dreams again. Part one was about my mother. We were at a little stall in my neighborhood where my mother was interested in a little jade ring. She told me to grab the little wooden contraption next to her so I did. I had no idea what it was but anyway, she started to push me away so we could hurry home. I had no idea what all the rush was about but when we got home, she told me that she forgot to pay for the ring! I demanded that we go back to return the ring and that wooden contraption I had brought back with me. As I went to get the key, my mom had already left on her own so I hurried after her to the stall. As I came closer to the stall I could see my mother sitting on a chair with a sad and uncomfortable look on her face. As I approached, the lady at the stall started to yell at me for stealing the wooden contraption as they needed that for business. She was also very upset about the jade ring that my mother forgot to pay for. I profusely apologized for the mistake and told her I had no idea what the wooden contraption was for. My mother started to blame me for taking it without permission so I spat back at her saying that she practically forced me to take it. At that moment my mother started making this wimpering sound and she started to talk gibberish. I immediately felt guilty for making my mother sad. At that moment I woke up from my dream realizing that it was my dog that was wimpering to let out of the room.

After letting my dog out, I went back to sleep because it was too early and too cold to pull myself out of the warm bed. Dream part two starts. My friend and I check into a luxury hotel in someplace that looked like Los Angeles. All I remember was that it was warm and there were palm trees outside. The first room we get is just terrible and I immediately go down to the front dest to complain. I tell them that we need the room changed and that I was a regular guest there so I deserve a better room. They tell us to wait in the lobby while they try to remedy the problem. A few seconds later they come back apologizing and to let us know that they have prepared a suite for us. I have no idea why we are upgraded to a suite but I am way too excited to be staying in a suite! My friend and I decide to go to a bar for a drink. The waiter comes up to us and says that we are invited to a special dinner tomorrow night. He tells me that I am invited because the dinner is exclusively for lawyers. He also tells me that I was upgraded to the suite because they didn't realize  was a lawyer. Should I just admit I'm not a lawyer and forfeit my suite? Or should I just go with the flow and pretend I am a lawyer at the dinner? I imagine myself trying to act all professional and coming up with lawyer topics like in those Bridget Jones movies. At that moment I wake up once again.

So I had two strange dreams back to back. I'm feeling kind of strange and blue in bed with my dog. I look at my dog lying next to me and feel so much love for him. I then start to wonder about my relationship to my partner again. I don't know what triggered this feeling. Was it the dream that I just had that's messing with my head? Or is it something else? Why am I feeling this way?

Summer is finally here!

It's been a fairly short rainy season this year here in Tokyo and that's totally fine by me. Grey skies and constant raining does not make me happy. The Tokyo summer is pretty brutal by any standards. The other day, it was 35 degrees where I live. What makes is worse is that we have an energy shortage this year and we are expected to cut electricity usage by at least 30%. So went out and bought a fan and disconnected my air conditioning in every room. At first it took some getting used to and I had a hell of a time trying to sleep at night. I bought a "cooling" pillow, which only made me hotter. I also found something that you spray onto sheets or clothes to make you cooler. It just made my skin tingle temporarily. I also bought a cream that you apply to your skin. It instantly makes your skin feel cold but interesting only for a minute. After experimenting with these different things that is supposed to help you feel cooler, I finally just got rid of my sheets, blanket and pillows and just decided to sleep with a thin t-shirt and cool, loose underwear. I also have a glass of ice water next to my bed, which helps a bit. Anyway, it's only going to get hotter so we'll see how it goes.

My face is mostly back to normal from the bout of bell's palsy. I still have tightness in my face and for some reason it makes me feel sick sometimes but I can live with it. I take anti-anxiety meds which is supposed to help me with all of that and it seems to work a bit. The only thing I worry about sometimes is that I will become dependent on the meds. My doc says that I have nothing to worry about since they are very low dosage. I'll just take his word for it because honestly, I don't think I could deal with the facial pain without something.

This year I've been working on balancing my life. The past few years I've never worked harder in my life and I thought that was a good thing. Apparently that was one of the causes of my stress which could have contributed to my facial paralysis. I've also met some new people along the way this year. Most of these meetings seem to end after a few dates but that's just how it is. However a couple of these people have actually helped me keep my life balanced and focused. Maybe because they don't know me as well as my friends, they can be honest with me. Or perhaps they just see me in a different light. Needless to say, it is refreshing to get a different perspective of myself. I've learned that I have a tendency to feel responsible for the welfare of the people I love and this adds a tremendous amount of stress to myself. For some reason I didn't see that. I realize now that it is not my responsibility to take care of them and that what I do for them is enough. I also have to think of myself and take care of myself. I know this in theory, but I'm not so good at it. So this is what I must work on for the remainder of the year. The funny thing is that I probably would never have realized this unless I decided to go out and meet new people.

My partner has been really stressed due to his pay cut. It used to bother me because I think we are still very lucky. We have a comfortable apartment and a car. We have new computers, ipads, iphones, clothes and our health. Gosh, I can go on and on. But he seems to be in mourning. There are others who have lost homes and families during the tsunami and earthquake. I feel damn lucky to be alive and I wish he would see that. I guess that's another thing that adds to my stress. So I decided the best thing to do is to be happy for the both of us. While he's sulking and thinking dark thoughts, I'm going to enjoy life to the fullest. Maybe my happiness will rub off on him.

Summer is here and I'm ready to enjoy it!

Random thoughts

So it's been a little over two months since the earthquake-tsunami disaster here in Japan. At least here in Tokyo, things are pretty much back to normal. One thing that has changed though, is how conscious we have become of our energy resources. The train stations are not running their escalators and only the minimum amount of lighting is used. Trains are running on a decreased schedule and lighting from store shelves to billboards are either turned off or kept to a minimum. Half the street lamps are off so nighttime is darker here in Tokyo. After awhile we are used to it and perhaps we have been using too much electricity. Do we really need all the flash and neon lights everywhere? Perhaps that's what makes Tokyo the exciting city we are known for. At least for now, we are in conservation mode.

My partner had to take a 30% decrease in pay with will be taking home no bonuses for the forseeable future. He is depressed about it and he is being super-consious about spending money. In fact he is being so tight with money that it is rather starting to depress me as well. He still makes more than the average medium income earner here and he owns a car and home. Still he is worried and stressed with his work situation that he cannot see how fortunate we are. I have friends that are in worse situations. There are those that have lost much much more. Yet he can only see how bad his own situation is.

I wish he could see things in a different light. I wish he had the strength to see past his own problems and see them for what they really are. They are just temporary and it's not the end of the world for him. I will continue to stand by him and say things to comfort him. I will be there if he needs me to help. Hell if he loses his job I will be there to support him. You know what really bugs me though? The fact that he's thinking of getting an iPAD while he's complaining about me buying those spring rolls yesterday for a measly 600 yen!!! Geeeesh!

Anyway, just found a picture of me and my friends in Singapore. Good times!!!

today is a new day

So it's been over a week since that earthquake. A few days ago, I've decided to stop feeling so sad and glum about that whole thing, no matter how hard it is to do that. I started to do yoga again to clear my head and I concentrated on work and cleaning my apartment.

My partner has been working hard with the electricity and nuclear plants, so he's been home twice since the earthquake. He came home last night so we decided to go to a tonkatsu restaurant in our neighborhood. This was good for the both of us. It feels as if things will start to get normal again.

Today most of the news are things people are doing to help. Amidst all the rubble and loss of electricity, there are still small miracles happening. Births. An 80 year old lady being rescued from under a refrigerator in her destroyed home after 8 days. Her 16 year old son that was feeding her yogurt and other food he could find to help her survive. Food finally arriving at the shelters. Hospitals with electricity again. An old lady eating a rice ball and saying that she feels lucky and happy to be eating it, even though it's just one rice ball a day. Yes, you can see that Japan will survive this disaster. It will take time, but we will survive.

Today is a new day and I'm going to go donate more money now.

Earthquake

Two days  ago, I experienced the most frightening experience in my life. A 9.0 earthquake hit Japan on a massive scale and caused tsunamis that resulted in massive destruction to entire cities in the country.

I was on my computer working when suddenly the room started to gently sway. Although we have many earthquakes in Tokyo that we can feel, this somehow felt different. Just as a precautionary measure, I grabbed my dog and went under the dining room table for protection thinking this was just another earthquake. Thinking this way for about 3 more seconds, it started to sway harder. I got a bit scared but just thought that it was bigger than usual, but it should stop soon. The second I thought that, it started to violently shake and vibrate with incredible intensity. I could not stand up at that point and I that things started to fall all around me. Tables and chairs in my room started to shift and it just would not stop. At this point I thought that this is it...the big one...and I will die in this earthquake. After a few minutes, it stopped with only the building swaying from right to left like a yo-yo. Yes it actually felt like my building was going to topple over. My mind started going into survival mode and I grabbed my backpack and put a bottle of water inside along with my wallet and key. I threw on whatever lay around me and left my apartment. At this time, the building was still moving a bit and elevators were not working. I walked down the stairs with dog in hand and probably was in some sort of panic because I could hear myself breathing hard. Once downstairs, some other residents were there and we all tried to figure out what we needed to do. Was it safer outside or inside?

I decided I would go to the nearest evacuation shelter, which is a school near my apartment. On the way, the earth kept swaying and shaking with aftershocks and I would stop everytime this happened. I looked around me and saw all the dangerous things that could come falling down on me. As I looked down the street, I saw a crowd of people standing around the electronics store. They were watching television that was playing in the store window. That is when we first started to see the disaster unfolding. Newscasters were in panic mode as well as everyone else. Tsunami warnings were released almost immediately. Warnings of aftershocks were announced and told to protect ourselves from harm. People around were wondering if they should go back home or go to shelters. Phones were instantly jammed and I could not get a hold of anyone. I decided if I was going to go back home, it was now before another tremor. It was very cold outside and I was starting to shiver. I had to get something warmer to wear.

I slowly went back to my apartment and found my place an absolute mess. However I just wanted to make sure that my dog and I could survive for a few days so I put some extra clothes in my backpack and put on some warmer clothes including some gloves. I went out again and sat on a bench at the park with my dog. I realized after an hour that I was getting cold. I saw my next door neighbor walking by and she said that it should be safe inside our aparment so I decided to take her advice.

Inside my apartment, stories of the tsunamis and aftershocks continued on every single channel. My partner finally got in touch with me at around 7pm and told me that everything should be fine inside the apartment but he won't be able to come home because the trains were not running. The entire transportation network came to a halt in Tokyo and the streets were bumper to bumper with cars. Stores were running out of food and long lines out of every convenience store that was opened. The first night was spent not being able to sleep because of the non-stop earthquake warnings to my cell phone.

Morning came and my boyfriend came home with the first train to change clothes. He had to leave right away as he works for the electric company. Things were not good. I asked him when he would be home and he said that he probably wouldn't be able to until things are better. I stayed in my apartment all day and watched the news to see things getting worse. I was having panic attacks. I got in touch with friends who were on skype or facebook. I felt a little better and decided that I need to sleep if I was to have enough energy in case things do get worse. My partner was working his ass off. People were dying. I wanted to be strong for all those that were in more difficult situations. So I took slept and tried to ignore the earthquake warning signals beeping from my phone. I figured I will wake up if it starts to shake violently again. I slept better.

Sunday morning was day 3 since the earthquake. Woke up to news that after careful investigation, we should expect strong aftershocks of 7 for the next 3 days. In fact there is a 70% chance of a level 7 aftershock happening so we must be prepared. We also had news that after one of the nuclear reactors exploded yesterday, the others are also now inoperable. Early evening, news of very low energy reserves come in. We have to preserve as much energy as possible. Later, we are told starting tomorrow, we will have staggered blackouts starting tomorrow from 6am to 10pm. The Electric Company says that they are very low on energy and if we don't take these measures, we will have a countrywide blackout. This is inconvenient but necessary. Aftershocks are less now. However the news says that strong aftershocks will most likely happen.

I called my mother in Hawaii and she refuses to watch the news on television because she is scared. I'm glad my mother was not here while this happened. She would definitely have panicked.

It's so hard to believe that this is actually happening. I knew a big earthquake was bound to happen here in Tokyo. Never did I think I would experience it in my lifetime.

Brand New Year

So we have entered the year 2011 and I'm just starting to look back at what 2010 was all about for me. 2010 was definitely a year with a lot of ups and downs and it wasn't easy to keep things in perspective. I think 2011 was a year where I lost focus on what's important for me due to me being so damn busy all the time. I worked my butt off with my virtual business and it definitely has paid off. I also was kept with a whole bunch of ailments including my panic attacks, strange and constant headaches as well as my Bell's Palsy coming back to taunt me. I went to Singapore to meet up with some virtual friends and they've become very real friends to me. I've also gone through some minor depression but I never let it beat me in the end. So many ups and downs but I guess that's life.

In the end though, I think I needed the final blow of Bell's Palsy to help me slow down and put things back into perspective. In 2010, I forgot to be thankful for the small things in life. I didn't appreciate the fact that I was alive and able to take walks with my dog. I was too busy to take notice of the things and I took them for granted. The Bell's Palsy forced me to slow down and refocus.

In December, I was at first depressed. During this month, not only did my bells palsy not improve much, but my cousin's dog died, my good friend's cat died and I heard that one of my friend's father was killed. Another good friend of mine is very ill and another ended a very long relationship. I felt better around Christmas week, then started to feel happier as the year came to an end. I cleaned my apartment from top to bottom and threw away all unneccessary items. I started to chew my food more slowly savoring each mouthful. I took the time to take daily walks with my dog or to take a bike ride to the bookstore. I called my mother just to talk. I called my friend to listen to him cry about his breakup. I watched Harper's Island back to back and finished watching all episodes in one sitting! December was a good way to end the year.

Today, I did my laundry and had a good lunch. I also heard that my PR manager's nephew got into a terrible car accident. i had no words for her except sorry and I felt for her. She has been with me for almost three years and I cried as she told me about this tragery. However even as I was taking all this sadness in, I felt lucky that I could share in her sadness. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to be sad with her because she has become my dear friend.

So looking back at the year, 2010 was challenging at least for me. It was also filled with surprises and little spots of fun, excitement and happiness. I am looking at this year as a new opportunity to start with a new attitude. This year I promise myself to work on myself. To become a better human being and to treat each day of my life as my last. I am excited about this year and what's to come. I will savor each day 100%.  I give thanks for everyone that's touched me in one way or another. I give thanks to life itself. Thank you.

Year 2011, here I come!!!

Sex and more sex

I keep having these dreams on a daily basis and it's all about sex. I dream of having sex with random people I don't know and I sometimes wake up moaning in pleasure. It's all really great and I actually look forward to them but seriously, I'm wondering if other people dream about having sex on a regular basis.

At the moment, we have construction going on during the weekdays and they seem to be working on my floor all the time. Today I woke up moaning again and to my embarrassment, there was a construction worker on my balcony outside my bedroom window. The curtain was half open and it was obvious he had heard me moaning because as our eyes met, he looked away quickly trying to hide his embarrasement.

Anyway, a lesson to me that I should make sure the curtains are fully closed before I fall asleep at night.

My interview for SLTV Japan

Why am I up awake at 3 am today? Well I just finished my live interview with SLTV. SLTV is a live show streamed on the internet in real time. They are a tv studio in the virtual world of Second Life and they've just started a brand new show called Fashion Runway. Anyway, I was invited to the show and although I was nervous to the point where my hand went all cold and clammy, I made it and I did not hyperventilate! lol



Anyway, it was pretty cool. I sound stupid but still, it was cool! ;)

What a week

Last weekend I went to a party at a Nepalese restaurant. This is a party that I attend 4 times a year. Just a small gathering of friends that get together now and then. It was fun and just comfortable like going to someone's home. However a little thing happened about 20 minutes before I left. When I was pouring wine for my friends and tried to smile, I felt a strong pull on the left side of my face.

Well, come Monday, I knew my bell's palsy was back albeit in a weaker form. Tuesday I went to visit the doctor and it was official. It bummed me out for sure and cancelled a lot plans on my calendar. I was meant to meet a couple of people this week and had plans for a party end of the month. I also promised to attend a Christmas party on December 11. Those are all off my list unless a miracle happens. But I already know how slow the healing process is from my last bout of BP. At least I don't seem to have complete paralysis and it's only 70-80% paralysis. I can sort of move my mouth but can't smile. My eyelid doesn't close completely when I try to blink so it gets really dry and I tear all day. But at least I look normal if I don't say anything and I try to look butch. My face is not dropping or anything and that is the only thing that's keeping me from getting depressed.

I guess some positive things have come out of this bout of BP. I had insomnia since summer and it now seems cured. The BP makes me tired and sleepy due to the nerves trying to heal. So now I can't seem to stay awake at night even if I tried, resulting in me waking up at 6 am. So that's good for me. I like the morning air and although it's getting cold, I like the peace and quiet during that special time of the day. I also seem to get more work done, although I know I shouldn't be working so much. I just have a lot of work to catch up with and seriously, I'm not going to stop working because of this stupid BP.

Today it's no longer raining like yesterday. I'm looking forward to enjoying my day. I am determined to get my translation work done today so I can start designing my new collection. I'm not letting this ruin my life again. Damn if I let that happen!

So this week I've been kind of taking it easy and trying to find balance in my life again. I've had a rediculously busy schedule during the summer and now I feel I have time to take a breather. For a week after my busy months, I had really bad insomnia and could not get myself to sleep at night. No matter how tired I was, I felt like there was an electrical current running through my body all day. Even when I was in bed, my brain refused to shut down. It was really frustrating and I decided to go and buy myself some serious herbal tea to calm my nerves. The cheap stuff just wasn't doing it and I splurged on some pricey herbal remedies. They were just herb tea, but the kind where they actually measure these organic dried herbs for you and sell it to you by weight. Well, for approximately 30 servings of tea, it came out to around 5000 yen so it ain't cheap. However the tea somehow seems to be working and after a cup or two, I start to feel relaxed and calm. In fact, I can't drink it during work hours because I feel like I'll fall asleep. Anyway, glad I got the tea.

Approximately half my life, I've been my own boss...either as a business owner or a freelance something or other. It's unstable and insecure but at the same time, nothing in the world today is 100% secure these days. I also thrive on challenge and no matter what the outcome, I prefer to take full responsibility of my work. It's just the way I've always been.

One aspect that you have to deal with when running your own business is dealing with other people. It could be a business partner, a customer or a fellow business owner,...hell it could be anybody. One thing I found over and over again in my experience is that the people you work with can make your day or ruin your day. Today was one of those days where my day was ruined. Ok, ruin is not exactly the word I'd use because honestly speaking, I've had experiences like this and it was just another one. It's just that this was a person who I had very big respect for. I know that a lot of people don't like him but I always stood up for him and besides I know he's a bit nuts. However he truly disappointed me today with something he said. You know what though? It's only a big deal if I believe it is. Halfway through writing on my blog, I already start to feel calmer. Hmm...could this mean that I'm handling stress better? I believe so. It's almost weird how little this is affecting me. The relationship with him will change and it means changes to my work but I will deal with it and that's the way it is.

Ok, I just needed to vent. thanks. :)

The next morning...

I woke up at around 10am. I'm actually feeling better and I think I just had some kind of semi-breakdown. Whatever, I don't know what came over me. I'm fine now Mr Blog. Much better.

Dear Blog...

It's 4 am on a Tuesday morning. My fever is gone but I have not been able to sleep for the last 24 hours. i've been up for that long. I decided to try and put my thought into words as I can't seem to understand what's going on inside my mind. Dear blog...I'm hoping that somehow things would be clearer after I finish writing. It seems like 10 years ago I was doing the same thing. Yeah, I guess that's why I started to keep a journal...self therapy I guess. i'm hoping this time around though, i'm mature enough to handle this one better.

I can't sleep even though I know I should. I should be tired but I have no where to sleep. I'm in my own apartment. My partner came back home last night and now I can't sleep a wink lying next to him. My friend is in the guest room. I feel odd sleeping in the living room with my dog and so started to make a little space with pillow and towel as a blanket in the computer room. Because there are no curtains in that room and it really is just a cubby hole of a room, I put an eyemask on, headphones for music and tried to sleep. As I did that, I wondered why I felt most comfortable there than I do next to my partner. the thing is that I've never felt completely at ease sleeping next to him in the bedroom. I always tend to fall asleep soundly after he leaves for work. Ok, stay on track my mind. I feel at ease in this small space alone. I'm thinking of why I feel so sad about this. I feel utter sadness yet don't know exactly why. Perhaps it's because he decided not to drive my friend to the airport because he came down with the flu? At the time he said it, made sense to me. Then after awhile I thought, wait a minute something feels wrong. I feel an ache in my chest. In fact, I should just go ahead and take him to the airport myself without my partner. I mean he's taken ill and if it were my mother or sister, I wouldn't just let them go without me because I may or may not get infected with the flu. In fact, I think that's kind of selfish or self-centered. I can't even find words for it. If I recall when I came down with flu a few days ago, my partner was worried that it would spoil our summer vacation due to my flu. I told him don't worry i'll get better. Now I'm thinking or is it just too much thinking that the vacation is more important than my health? I know that's not true but still, hasn't he said things like this in the past I mean....almost always the same way? Then my thought continued to go on to other things about our relationship that made me even sadder and I knew I was entering the darkest areas of my mind but I couldn't help myself even if I tried. I finally end up at the point where I feel like I need to have a serious discussion with my partner about our future. Sure it's been 10 years but is that a good reason  to stay with someone? I mean would I want to stay with him if it were just a couple of years? I come up with more questions for myself and it seems I can't answer any of them at all. Nothing. I come up with "I don't knows" only. I wonder if I should talk to my friends about this but what would it help? Would they even understand or would they think me just plain stupid? My mind is diving deeper into a place I usually try and avoid. In fact, I think that one of the main reasons why this relationship has lasted so long is because I tend to avoid discussing important issues because I know I'll hear something disappointing. It's hard to imagine my future with him. Isn't is supposed to be the other way around?

Mr Blog, before coming to you for some comfort of the virtual kind, I was standing holding a pillow in pajamas in the hallway with the door to my partner on my right and a door to my friend's room on the left. I wanted to talk to my sleeping friend but didn't want to disturb his sleep. I went into my partners and wanted to wake up and talk but decided that was utter insanity. So I just stood in the small and narrow hallway with my crumpled pillow feeling just lost. My legs would not move because I didn't know which way I was supposed to go. I always had to laugh at myself at how I must look because it sure was pathetic as hell. So the only sane option was to write to you Bloggie. Remember years back I used to call you Diary. Because of technological advances, you are temporarily called Mr Blog if you don't mind. I just hope I will be able to sleep after this. The sun's going to come up soon and I got stuff to do goddammit. If I don't get myself to sleep I swear I'm just going to buy myself some sleepings pills to put me to sleep after I get back from the airport. The only thing I fear is how I will feel when I wake up to have to face reality. Would I be feeling the same as how I feel now?

what's wrong with my anyway and what exactly has got me started feeling so sad today? Do I want to know really? Am I strong enough to face what's real? Am I living a lie? Or is this what life's supposed to be? What? I don't have a fucking clue!

Wow bad case of influenza

I just got back from Singapore 4 days ago and I'm just recovering from influenza. Once again, I overestimated my body's strength and I must remind myself that I'm just not as young as I used to be. During my final days in Singapore, I literally felt drained of energy whatsoever. I started to rely on cans of Red Bull to keep me going as it usually did the trick. So although I had the most wonderful time in my at-the-moment favorite Asian city, I immediately feel ill when I arrived in Tokyo. Last night my fever went up to 39.9 and when it refused to go down for more than 24 hours, I finally gave in and went to the hospital at 1am. I was glad I did because I got my meds that got my fever under control.

Anyway, back to Singapore. It really was a fantastic trip. There is so much to like about that city. Yes there are many reasons why I would have a difficult time living there. The year-long hot weather, the size of the country, the cargo ships that never seem to leave, and the fact that gays have to fight to properly live in their country. Having said that, the gays that do decide to live there are strong and more alive than many of their counterparts in Asia, which makes them extremely attractive in my eyes. They always have an opinion and conversations are never stagnant. I have more to say about all that but I want to write more about the other stuff about Singapore other than the gay people. lol. I do think it's a miracle how such a small and young country could change into this dynamic and metropolitan city in such a short time. It's really amazing to me. Other reasons to live Singapore is the food. Some of the food you can't get anywhere else and that's reason enough to want to go for any serious foodie. Now on a personal note, I have made some really special friends there and that is the number one reason of why I enjoy my trips there. They make it so special for me and I don't know if I would ever be able to return the favor. I will do my best that's for sure. I just don't know if I would be able to. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am so ever grateful to you guys.

Now strange things happen to me when I'm on vacations. Perhaps it's an aura I carry around or maybe it's the water I dont know. The last time I was there, the male housekeeper wanted to have sex with me. This time someone at Universal Studios Singapore wanted to take me into the toilet and have sex with me!!! A total stranger mind you! All I could do was laugh because it was just too hilarious! This would never happen to me in Tokyo, never! hahaha. Anyway, he was cute and I sort of let him kiss me and even that is something I never did at a theme park with a stranger! ;)

It's hot

Rainy season has arrived in Tokyo but it's hot and sunny here today in Tokyo. It's nice because I can't stand this season when it tends to rain non-stop for days on end. Today, I take a small break from work and everything else to just do nothing!ahhhhhh.

My mother went back to Hawaii on last Friday and it's been 3 days since she's left. As always it was sad to see her leave and the drive to the airport was very quiet with no one hardly speaking a word. I could tell my mother was trying her best to keep it together. That was a good thing because it helped me keep the tears from flowing out.

So she's been here for exactly one month. She looked really good and better than I thought. She gained approximately 10 pounds while she arrived. I made sure to feed her all her favorite foods. She mostly spent her days cleaning and doing the laundry. She also seemed to enjoy taking care of my plants. We did things on the weekend with my partner, but it seems she really just enjoys walking around the neighborhood.

The one thing that did worry me was the fact that she mostly eats just carbs. At the same time, she would complain about her deteriorating health, although she's perfectly fine. I think she's actually younger than she thinks she is or feels. It's pretty obvious. She walks really slow, but I notice she can also run and walk up long flights of stairs with almost no problem. She also eats a lot at buffets and she eats everything! She only eats carbs at home. It's so confusing.

Anyway, it has been a treat having her here. She let me work and although she does add unneccessary stress to my life and a strict adherence to her rules and schedule, it was still nice to have her around. I hope that next year she will be well enough to take her traveling to somewhere nice in Japan by plane. That would be really nice. I think she would really enjoy Kyushu. Either that or Hokkaido again. She made it back to Hawaii and was upgraded to business class. She was ecstatic about that and raved about the food. So happy for her.

My fashion show finished yesterday. The sim did crash once due to too many people attending, which is always a good thing but still, I hate crashes. After major shows like these, I always need a day of break like today. I'm looking forward to renting a couple of DVDs and just laying on the sofa all day today. :)

My Singapore trip

I finally made it down to Singapore this May. Singapore is quite far from Tokyo considering it's about 7 and a half hour by plane. I was also feeling really terrible the week before so I didn't feel quite sure I'd be able to make it. However it turned out to be the best decision I've made this year.

I made sure I had myself booked into nice hotels. I had bookings for the Conrad, the Hilton on Orchard and finally the Sentosa Resort on the resort island. All the hotels were wonderful especially the Conrad. Service at the hilton and Sentosa was flawless, except for this Japanese staff at the front desk at Sentosa. He hardly smiled and looked us in the eyes. Very strange. He must have been new or something.

I'll see if I can remember what I did in the Lion City.

Day 1:
I arrived very late around 2:30am in Singapore due to Delta being really delayed. My friend Patrick was waiting for me at the airport and I felt so bad to have made him wait so long on a weeknight. Anyway he promptly picked me up and drove me over to the Conrad. He also gave me a cell phone to use while in Singapore and an EZ Link card to use on public transport. He's so nice I swear and he is becoming a very special friend in my life. I arrived at the Conrad and my hotel was very roomy and comfortable. There we fresh fruits and chocolates on the table along with a teddy bear. There was another bear on the bed and two rubber duckies in the bathtub. During my stay they always furnished me with more water than I needed. I took a nice hot bath and went to bed.

Day 2:
I wake up quite early and feel a bit sleepy. But I get myself out of bed and head downstairs to get a bite to eat. I have some yogurt and croissant. I also had a few pieces of papaya but that's it. It's a buffet but i must watch my weight.

I decide to walk around the area. There are malls everyone around the hotel. It's located in the Marina Area and everything is connected by malls or underground corridors to help cope with the heat. I walk through these malls and they are mazes. I get lost and start to get hungry. I end up going to starbucks and getting myself a sandwich( it was very mediocre) and an iced coffee. As I drink my coffee, I'm wondering how I'm going to get out of the huge mall? I decide to just wing it. So after the lunch at starbucks, I wander around some more and see some signs saying MARINA. That sounds promising so I go out of the automatic doors leading outside. The heat surprises me with its intensity. It feels kind of good though after the air con and Tokyo's wet and cold winter. I walk around and see the Singapore flyer on my left. I can also see the Esplanade and decide to walk that way. As I walk, I also see the Merlion so I decide to walk over there. As I'm walking over the bridge going to the Merlion, I start to get so hot and sweaty i decide I have to pace myself as not to dehydrate myself like the last time. It's a nice a hot walk. I make it to the Merlion. As always lots of tourists taking pictures. So much has changed since the last time I was there. I see the huge Sands Casino in front of me. I also see new buildings that look futuristic in the back. This is awesome! It's time to head back to the hotel. I go through a beautiful and hot park and go through another mall. I buy a pair of eye bag fixing gel packs at the pharmacy. I go to my hotel room to take a shower and change. Today I meet up with Patrick and his friend Ricky.

Patrick picks me up at the hotel and we first go to Marina Barrage. This is a very modern dam that will help Singapore get their own water as well as to help prevent floods in the future. After that we go to this local place in the suburbs to eat some genuine local cuisine. Everything was delicious! We had some satays, hokkien mee and rojak, which were all delicious. I am overly excited because i've been wanting to try hokkien mee and rojak from the guidebooks! They do not disappoint. After dinner, we head to Katong to get a bowl of famous laksa and I swear, I never had such great laksa ever!!! This is the best and I never knew how good a good bowl of laksa could be! Thank you guys for taking me there! I also pick up some Peranakan sweets there. we head back to my hotel and I am happy and full from all that food. It was a nice start to my vacation.

Day 3
Another hot and sunny day awaits! Today I have an appointment with Dominic, my Second Life friend. It feels kind of weird to meet someone that you know from a virtual world but I look forward to it. Oh, the housekeeper is here. He wants to know if he can clean my room and I say ok. He's a super nice Indian guy. He starts chatting me up and he starts asking me the strangest questions. Some of the questions he asks.

Are you married?
Do you want to go to the sauna?
Do you want to meet after my shirt?

Well he either wants to scam money off me, wants me to treat him to dinner, or wants to have sex with me. Anyway this is the Conrad hotel so I'm a bit cautious and i leave it at that. he gives me more water than he's supposed to (6 bottles) but i'm happy with that. I offer some tip but he refuses.

Dominic picks me up at the hotel and we cab it to this restaurant in a horse-riding club in the jungle. It's quite out of the way, but this is the best part! I get to see places other than the tourist spots. The clubhouse is filled with guests for lunch and the menu consists of western food. I go for the crab pasta and eat most of the crab and just a bit of the pasta. It's really good but remember, I don't want to gain weight. I want to eat everything without gaining an ounce. However the manager comes over and suggets a piece of carrot cake and if you know me, i can never turn down dessert. we get it to take away and I eat some later. It wasn't that great though. hmmmm.

After lunch we go to the Asian Civilizations Museum. You can learn all about the different asian cultulres that have shapes singapore today. It's quite interesting and we took their tour, which lasted longer than it should. I thorougly enjoyed it though. Once we left the building, it started to pour outside! Luckily Dominic had an umbrella and we could go and get some shelter. We then took a taxi to a massage parlour as I was in need of a massage. It was a men-only place that he frequents but there is absolutey no sex invovlved. This was a ctually a good thing and one of the best massages i've ever had! I felt so good after that I was ready for anything! He took me back to the hotel and after a few bites of carrot cake, I got ready to go to dinner with Alan, another friend of mine.

Alan picked me up in his Mercedes(very cool car) and we went to the Majestic restaurant in the Majestic Hotel. Very cool designer/boutique hotel. The restaurant is nouvelle chinese and the food was fabulous! Unline any Chinese food I've had in Japan or the US that's for sure. Everything was subtle and sauces were never overwhelming. You could actually taste the freshness of the ingredients. We had crab claws, shark's fin cartilage soup, fish and more! Yummy. Alan was fun to talk to and also entertaining to be with. Really cool guy. After dinner we took the top off of his car and drove around on the highway to see the night lights of singapore! Cool ending to a fabulous day!

Day 4:
Had my usual breakfast of yogurt and fruits and a bit of bread. I go back to my room and again, my Indian housekeeper comes to do my room. I finally decide to ask him if he is gay. He says he is married and has kids and that they live in Malaysia. But now, he likes me. Interesting...Oh, he also gives me a kiss on the cheek. Isn't that nice? Isn't that unusual?

Today I decide to do chinatown on my own. I find my way to the nearest MRT station, which took me longer than it should have. I succeed on getting on the correct train and I alight at Chinatown! Ok, that was kind of cool and actually fun! first thing I do is pick up some curry puffs that are staring at me from this vendor. It was very tasty actually. i should have gotten one more. Next thing is the Chinatown heritage center, where i learn how the early Chinese immigrants used to live in singapore. It was a very moving exhibition and I will take my friend Michael here in August. You really do see Chinatown in a different light after you see this. I walk through all the roads that Dominic told me about. I also try to find club street however, i end up taking a wrong turn and I'm just walking and walking. I finally get lost a bit and I am sweating profusely in the heat and humidity. I finally find my way back and am in need of another massage. I jump into one I find and I get another fabulous massage! I think I fell asleep because it was just so good.

I go back to the hotel room to take a quick shower before heading to the MRT station again. I start to get a slight headache as happens when I get tired. When I meet up with Dominic, he can tell something is wrong. I tell him about my headache and he goes and buys me something from ORIGINS to help the headache. i swear he is just such a nice person. I kind of wish my boyfriend had some of his traits. Damn. This ORIGINS thing actually helps and I instantly feel better. We decide to go to a healthy Chinese restaurant, meaning this restaurant serves healthy foods using chinese herbs and lots of vegetables. This was one of my favorite restaurants of the entire trip. The decor was totally my style. New, modern and unique! The service was fantastic and the food was unique! I felt refreshed after the meal although we didn't have time for dessert. We had a play to catch! We went to see a play called Animal Farm and it was one of the most enjoyable plays I've seen in years! After the play, we went to Haji Lane, which is supposed to be like the Soho of New York. It's not really but it is very unique. People on the streets smoking water pipes and drinking. Very alternative scene. Very me in my 20s. We chose a place to relax and chat over some drinks. I got to know dominic better and I'm glad we've met. It is 1 am now and it was time to go back to rest.

Day 5:
I decide to skip breakfast and just have some fruits from my room. I also have coffe in my room so really, that's all I need in the morning. Next time, I think i'll opt for the wifi instead of the upgrade and free breakfast. Anyway, today I check out of this hotel and check into the Hilton on Orchard. This morning though, the Indian housekeeper comes in again to say hello. He actually looks sad that I'm leaving. He gives me his cell phone number but I have no intention of ever calling him. He gives me a little present. Another teddy bear with a Chinese hat one. It's supposed to be a special version that was given out to guests during Chinese new years. Very nice of him. He also gave me tons of water again. He said to take them with me so I put 6 bottles of water into my suitcase. hahaha. Well thank you Sam. Yeah his name is Sam. Today he decide to grab my crotch and kisses me on the lips. Oh my gosh, he's kind of hot!

I check out of the hotel and head over to Hilton where the really cute guy lets me check in early. Too bad he couldn't come into my room like the Indian guy. :) My room is clean but small compared to the Conrad. My view is very blah and bathroom is small. I miss the Conrad and my Indian housekeeper!

I meet up with Patrick and Dominic for lunch. We go to eat some sandwiches and carrot cake at this place called Toast. It's supposed to be run by a gay owner but you'd never know. After some walking around, we have tea at chatterbox. Patrick has to leave for a family thing so we say goodbye and Dominic and I head over to the Singapore bonatical gardens. It's really a beautiful garden and it's hard to believe that there is no entrance fee! Then it's finally time to meet up with my other virtual friend, Ego! Her real name is Dion, but we call her Ego, her virtual name. She's cute and has a vivacious personality. I like her on the spot! We go to eat dinner at GRAZE, this uber-hip restaurant serving Fusion Australian. The food was good! Strange though that no one drinks in singapore except the foreigners. it must be the expensive prices for drinks. Anyway, I needed a mohito. Damn, if this was in Tokyo, we would all be having 3-4 drinks by that time. Anyway, this is Singapore and people just don't drink like we do. During dinner, Ego and Dominic decides that we should go and pick my partner up from the airport tonight. He's arriving tonight to meet with me. Well, it turns out that he will also be arriving late due to a delay with Delta. He arrives at 2am or something like that and we're all pretty zombied out by then. We kill the time by eating kaya toast and taking pictures of each other. Reminds me of my teen years. Finally we pick Satoshi up and of course, he's totally surprised because we didn't tell him we would be picking him up there! We get back to the hotel and I say bye to my friends. I swear, everyone in Singapore is so nice.

Day 6:
We have breakfast at the hotel. I only had around 4 hours of sleep and I'm so tired. But as usual with Satoshi, he gets up early no matter how many hours he's had. We walk around Orchard and have lunch at the food court. I'm actually starting to get really tired and so we decide to just check out and go to Sentosa. We take the  cab to Sentosa while listening to the driver chat non-stop about buddhism. It was annoying and I had to ask him to shut up halfway as it was just getting rediculous. We got to our Resort on Sentosa and it's very lovely, almost looks like a resort in Phuket. I decide to take a shower and take a 15 minutes nap. I cancel our dinner appointment with Patrick because I'm just too tired. Satoshi and I head down to VivoCity to eat some dinner. We have hotpot. It was steaming hot and my sauce was spicy hot! Really good food though.

Day 7:
Ok, I feel much better today after sleeping. Today we go to Universal Studios! Universal Studios singapore is unique in that it is very small. They also have attractions that are unique to their park. Since I've been to all the Universal Studios in the world, it was interesting to compare them to this one. They have the Jurassic Park ride but in a white-water rafting style. That was fun! They also have a double steel roller coaster which was closed during our visit. They also have Madagascar, which was also not open yet. We also got to ride the Revenge of the Mummy. It was good but not as good as I expected. I just can't put my finger on it, but something was missing. The ending to me was abrupt and the story just seemed to stop. It lost me. Fun way to spend the day though.

After the part, we stepped out to try our luck at the casino just across from the park! This was very cool! I only played around $50 but I ended up winning $120!!! Yay! Gonna buy myself some shoes now. After the parks and casino, we decide to go to the Marina Area today. Satoshi takes tons of pictures and we eat at Jing, a restaurant that overlooks the waters of the Marina and Sands Casino. I swear, the service was horrid and people around us were complaining. I, however tried my best to befriend the manager and after that, we got terrific service while the others still complained. All in all, it was a fabulous day!

Day 8
Before checking out, we walk down to the beach on Sentosa. It's a lovely, albeit hot and humid walk. As soon as you walk out of your room, 5 minutes later, you are sweating. We took one more shower before checking out and then checking back into the Hilton on Orchard. We decide to do a bit more shopping in Orchard and then took the MRT to Chinatown. I give satoshi a tour and I finally find Club Street!!! Well, this area has got to be one of my favorite spots in Singapore! The old shophouses lining the quaint street while the first floor of the old shophouses are taken over by cool boutiques and funky restaurants. Very very me.  I could actually live here I think!

we meet up with Dominic, Patrick and Ricky for our last supper at a vegetarian Chinese restaurant. After dinner, Patrick took us up to Mount Faber and then a short drive around the Marina at night. we said our goodbyes and it was time to say goodnight.

Day 9
we get our wake up call at 3:15 am. Leave the hotel at 4:15. Arrive at airport 30 minutes later. check in. Wait. And then we board the plane.

That was basically a summary of my Singapore trip. I have to say I am so grateful and fortunate to have met such wonderful people. I am also happy to have seem my brother(not related of course) Patrick again. He is one of the sweetest person I know with the purest of hearts. His friend Ricky is now a friend of mine. Thank you Ricky for taking me to the laksa place and the yummy meat! Dominic is a real gentleman and one of the nicest persons I know. Thank you. Ego was the best lesbian friend ever! Too bad I did not have more time to get to know her. Next time! Thanks Alan for the lovely evening! ;) I even thank the Indian housekeeper, who wanted to make love to me at the Conrad Hotel.

Me in Singapore 2010 May

Sentosa Resort

Images of Singapore

Food in Singapore

Am I going crazy?

I remember it was around 12 years ago that I started keeping an online diary of my feelings. At that time, it mostly consisted of posts about my thoughts and feelings, emotions and things I dare not say to people in real. I still do that I guess, but compared to then, I think I have less issues to deal with. This morning I woke up with a similiar feeling reminiscent of that time 12 years ago..this is not a good feeling. It's scary and I almost tremble in fear. In fact, I just woke up and I can't shake this feeling away. I felt that I needed to jot down these feeling in my online diary so that I know there was a day that I felt this way. It is just such a bad feeling and I wish I had a shrink now. What's wrong with me?

Firstly, I had a bad dream. It was negative in every single way and played on my emotions in a bad way. I woke up shaken up and sort of bewildered. The thing is that when I woke up, it wasn't as if I felt bad because of the dream itself. This is what usually happens right. You feel bad because of the dream you had and you just want somebody to come and tell you it was all a bad dream. Well yeah, I did want someone to tell me that. However the weird thing is that I woke up feeling sad and scared. I woke up with the realization that perhaps I've been unhappy this whole time. I just felt very unhappy but in a very real way. Not just unhappy for a reason. I...felt...unhappy. I felt feaful. I felt...sad.

Feeling this way lying in bed for 20 minutes was not a good thing to do. In fact, I had to get myself up before I really got depressed or something. I actually felt like crying. I felt as though I had no one to talk to. I didn't know what to do. I...just...did...not...know.

There are times like this where I feel as though I'm going to go crazy. It's unreasonble and illogical to me because I can't seem to find a reason for this. I feel as though I'm unhappy with my relationship with my partner, but I'm not even sure if this is just in my head. Would you know that you were happy if you were in a relationship? Or would you have to just keep working on it and feel as though you have to sacrifice your soul to it? You see, I don't know what I'm actually saying anymore....I'm just jotting down my feelings as they come. Well, at least it seems as though I'm feeling just a bit better writing this all down. I still need to keep writing though.

I feel as if something in my life has to change. I also feel unsatisfied with my partner. My sister is always telling me that she has huge arguments with her boyfriend. In fact, she constantly vents and sounds like she could break up with him any moment. This has been going on for awhile now. As for me, my relationship is more stable from an outsider's perspective. We never argue and we never yell at each other. However something seems not right. We have no ups and downs. It's mostly just a straight line seemingly going nowhere. It's like a heart beat that's beating dull and slow to eternity. You see? It's like what the fuck right?
Just writing things like, "what the fuck" makes me ask myself, "what the fuck"! What am I, a teenager? However seriously, who cares about language. Who says that you can't say the word fuck when rappers can say it. So there, I've said it and I'm saying it again. Fuck! I feel like saying that. Perhaps I need to yell at someone. Here we go....maybe a solution? I wonder if my friend Michael would come on skype today...

Looking at things that could be problems or need changing, this is what I come up with. My relationship, my working at home alone and not meeting people for weeks at a time, my trying to be positive all the time, the medication I take for my panic attacks, my panic attacks...all these things definitely need to be looked into. What do you think? Am I going crazy or what? Or is this just one of those days?

i've decided that I need to meet somebody today for tea. I need to head down to Shinjuku instead of working all day. I cannot have a repeat of yesterday and the day before yesterday. I basically wake up at 7am and start working all the way until 9pm. I take a small break to take my dog for his walk, but that's it. I work until I'm feeling sick sometimes. This cannot be good right?

I have a deadline and I can't seem to catch up with all the work I'm bogged down with. I should look at this positively because there are many people who don't have work. I am fortunate you see. So what the hell is wrong with me dammit!

Ok, I think this is enough. I need to get my day started. I will leave for Shinjuku to get some fresh air. I need to recharge my battery. I need to clear my head. I need to fix myself.