Am I going crazy?

I remember it was around 12 years ago that I started keeping an online diary of my feelings. At that time, it mostly consisted of posts about my thoughts and feelings, emotions and things I dare not say to people in real. I still do that I guess, but compared to then, I think I have less issues to deal with. This morning I woke up with a similiar feeling reminiscent of that time 12 years ago..this is not a good feeling. It's scary and I almost tremble in fear. In fact, I just woke up and I can't shake this feeling away. I felt that I needed to jot down these feeling in my online diary so that I know there was a day that I felt this way. It is just such a bad feeling and I wish I had a shrink now. What's wrong with me?

Firstly, I had a bad dream. It was negative in every single way and played on my emotions in a bad way. I woke up shaken up and sort of bewildered. The thing is that when I woke up, it wasn't as if I felt bad because of the dream itself. This is what usually happens right. You feel bad because of the dream you had and you just want somebody to come and tell you it was all a bad dream. Well yeah, I did want someone to tell me that. However the weird thing is that I woke up feeling sad and scared. I woke up with the realization that perhaps I've been unhappy this whole time. I just felt very unhappy but in a very real way. Not just unhappy for a reason. I...felt...unhappy. I felt feaful. I felt...sad.

Feeling this way lying in bed for 20 minutes was not a good thing to do. In fact, I had to get myself up before I really got depressed or something. I actually felt like crying. I felt as though I had no one to talk to. I didn't know what to do. I...just...did...not...know.

There are times like this where I feel as though I'm going to go crazy. It's unreasonble and illogical to me because I can't seem to find a reason for this. I feel as though I'm unhappy with my relationship with my partner, but I'm not even sure if this is just in my head. Would you know that you were happy if you were in a relationship? Or would you have to just keep working on it and feel as though you have to sacrifice your soul to it? You see, I don't know what I'm actually saying anymore....I'm just jotting down my feelings as they come. Well, at least it seems as though I'm feeling just a bit better writing this all down. I still need to keep writing though.

I feel as if something in my life has to change. I also feel unsatisfied with my partner. My sister is always telling me that she has huge arguments with her boyfriend. In fact, she constantly vents and sounds like she could break up with him any moment. This has been going on for awhile now. As for me, my relationship is more stable from an outsider's perspective. We never argue and we never yell at each other. However something seems not right. We have no ups and downs. It's mostly just a straight line seemingly going nowhere. It's like a heart beat that's beating dull and slow to eternity. You see? It's like what the fuck right?
Just writing things like, "what the fuck" makes me ask myself, "what the fuck"! What am I, a teenager? However seriously, who cares about language. Who says that you can't say the word fuck when rappers can say it. So there, I've said it and I'm saying it again. Fuck! I feel like saying that. Perhaps I need to yell at someone. Here we go....maybe a solution? I wonder if my friend Michael would come on skype today...

Looking at things that could be problems or need changing, this is what I come up with. My relationship, my working at home alone and not meeting people for weeks at a time, my trying to be positive all the time, the medication I take for my panic attacks, my panic attacks...all these things definitely need to be looked into. What do you think? Am I going crazy or what? Or is this just one of those days?

i've decided that I need to meet somebody today for tea. I need to head down to Shinjuku instead of working all day. I cannot have a repeat of yesterday and the day before yesterday. I basically wake up at 7am and start working all the way until 9pm. I take a small break to take my dog for his walk, but that's it. I work until I'm feeling sick sometimes. This cannot be good right?

I have a deadline and I can't seem to catch up with all the work I'm bogged down with. I should look at this positively because there are many people who don't have work. I am fortunate you see. So what the hell is wrong with me dammit!

Ok, I think this is enough. I need to get my day started. I will leave for Shinjuku to get some fresh air. I need to recharge my battery. I need to clear my head. I need to fix myself.