Sex and more sex

I keep having these dreams on a daily basis and it's all about sex. I dream of having sex with random people I don't know and I sometimes wake up moaning in pleasure. It's all really great and I actually look forward to them but seriously, I'm wondering if other people dream about having sex on a regular basis.

At the moment, we have construction going on during the weekdays and they seem to be working on my floor all the time. Today I woke up moaning again and to my embarrassment, there was a construction worker on my balcony outside my bedroom window. The curtain was half open and it was obvious he had heard me moaning because as our eyes met, he looked away quickly trying to hide his embarrasement.

Anyway, a lesson to me that I should make sure the curtains are fully closed before I fall asleep at night.

My interview for SLTV Japan

Why am I up awake at 3 am today? Well I just finished my live interview with SLTV. SLTV is a live show streamed on the internet in real time. They are a tv studio in the virtual world of Second Life and they've just started a brand new show called Fashion Runway. Anyway, I was invited to the show and although I was nervous to the point where my hand went all cold and clammy, I made it and I did not hyperventilate! lol



Anyway, it was pretty cool. I sound stupid but still, it was cool! ;)

What a week

Last weekend I went to a party at a Nepalese restaurant. This is a party that I attend 4 times a year. Just a small gathering of friends that get together now and then. It was fun and just comfortable like going to someone's home. However a little thing happened about 20 minutes before I left. When I was pouring wine for my friends and tried to smile, I felt a strong pull on the left side of my face.

Well, come Monday, I knew my bell's palsy was back albeit in a weaker form. Tuesday I went to visit the doctor and it was official. It bummed me out for sure and cancelled a lot plans on my calendar. I was meant to meet a couple of people this week and had plans for a party end of the month. I also promised to attend a Christmas party on December 11. Those are all off my list unless a miracle happens. But I already know how slow the healing process is from my last bout of BP. At least I don't seem to have complete paralysis and it's only 70-80% paralysis. I can sort of move my mouth but can't smile. My eyelid doesn't close completely when I try to blink so it gets really dry and I tear all day. But at least I look normal if I don't say anything and I try to look butch. My face is not dropping or anything and that is the only thing that's keeping me from getting depressed.

I guess some positive things have come out of this bout of BP. I had insomnia since summer and it now seems cured. The BP makes me tired and sleepy due to the nerves trying to heal. So now I can't seem to stay awake at night even if I tried, resulting in me waking up at 6 am. So that's good for me. I like the morning air and although it's getting cold, I like the peace and quiet during that special time of the day. I also seem to get more work done, although I know I shouldn't be working so much. I just have a lot of work to catch up with and seriously, I'm not going to stop working because of this stupid BP.

Today it's no longer raining like yesterday. I'm looking forward to enjoying my day. I am determined to get my translation work done today so I can start designing my new collection. I'm not letting this ruin my life again. Damn if I let that happen!

So this week I've been kind of taking it easy and trying to find balance in my life again. I've had a rediculously busy schedule during the summer and now I feel I have time to take a breather. For a week after my busy months, I had really bad insomnia and could not get myself to sleep at night. No matter how tired I was, I felt like there was an electrical current running through my body all day. Even when I was in bed, my brain refused to shut down. It was really frustrating and I decided to go and buy myself some serious herbal tea to calm my nerves. The cheap stuff just wasn't doing it and I splurged on some pricey herbal remedies. They were just herb tea, but the kind where they actually measure these organic dried herbs for you and sell it to you by weight. Well, for approximately 30 servings of tea, it came out to around 5000 yen so it ain't cheap. However the tea somehow seems to be working and after a cup or two, I start to feel relaxed and calm. In fact, I can't drink it during work hours because I feel like I'll fall asleep. Anyway, glad I got the tea.

Approximately half my life, I've been my own boss...either as a business owner or a freelance something or other. It's unstable and insecure but at the same time, nothing in the world today is 100% secure these days. I also thrive on challenge and no matter what the outcome, I prefer to take full responsibility of my work. It's just the way I've always been.

One aspect that you have to deal with when running your own business is dealing with other people. It could be a business partner, a customer or a fellow business owner,...hell it could be anybody. One thing I found over and over again in my experience is that the people you work with can make your day or ruin your day. Today was one of those days where my day was ruined. Ok, ruin is not exactly the word I'd use because honestly speaking, I've had experiences like this and it was just another one. It's just that this was a person who I had very big respect for. I know that a lot of people don't like him but I always stood up for him and besides I know he's a bit nuts. However he truly disappointed me today with something he said. You know what though? It's only a big deal if I believe it is. Halfway through writing on my blog, I already start to feel calmer. Hmm...could this mean that I'm handling stress better? I believe so. It's almost weird how little this is affecting me. The relationship with him will change and it means changes to my work but I will deal with it and that's the way it is.

Ok, I just needed to vent. thanks. :)

The next morning...

I woke up at around 10am. I'm actually feeling better and I think I just had some kind of semi-breakdown. Whatever, I don't know what came over me. I'm fine now Mr Blog. Much better.

Dear Blog...

It's 4 am on a Tuesday morning. My fever is gone but I have not been able to sleep for the last 24 hours. i've been up for that long. I decided to try and put my thought into words as I can't seem to understand what's going on inside my mind. Dear blog...I'm hoping that somehow things would be clearer after I finish writing. It seems like 10 years ago I was doing the same thing. Yeah, I guess that's why I started to keep a journal...self therapy I guess. i'm hoping this time around though, i'm mature enough to handle this one better.

I can't sleep even though I know I should. I should be tired but I have no where to sleep. I'm in my own apartment. My partner came back home last night and now I can't sleep a wink lying next to him. My friend is in the guest room. I feel odd sleeping in the living room with my dog and so started to make a little space with pillow and towel as a blanket in the computer room. Because there are no curtains in that room and it really is just a cubby hole of a room, I put an eyemask on, headphones for music and tried to sleep. As I did that, I wondered why I felt most comfortable there than I do next to my partner. the thing is that I've never felt completely at ease sleeping next to him in the bedroom. I always tend to fall asleep soundly after he leaves for work. Ok, stay on track my mind. I feel at ease in this small space alone. I'm thinking of why I feel so sad about this. I feel utter sadness yet don't know exactly why. Perhaps it's because he decided not to drive my friend to the airport because he came down with the flu? At the time he said it, made sense to me. Then after awhile I thought, wait a minute something feels wrong. I feel an ache in my chest. In fact, I should just go ahead and take him to the airport myself without my partner. I mean he's taken ill and if it were my mother or sister, I wouldn't just let them go without me because I may or may not get infected with the flu. In fact, I think that's kind of selfish or self-centered. I can't even find words for it. If I recall when I came down with flu a few days ago, my partner was worried that it would spoil our summer vacation due to my flu. I told him don't worry i'll get better. Now I'm thinking or is it just too much thinking that the vacation is more important than my health? I know that's not true but still, hasn't he said things like this in the past I mean....almost always the same way? Then my thought continued to go on to other things about our relationship that made me even sadder and I knew I was entering the darkest areas of my mind but I couldn't help myself even if I tried. I finally end up at the point where I feel like I need to have a serious discussion with my partner about our future. Sure it's been 10 years but is that a good reason  to stay with someone? I mean would I want to stay with him if it were just a couple of years? I come up with more questions for myself and it seems I can't answer any of them at all. Nothing. I come up with "I don't knows" only. I wonder if I should talk to my friends about this but what would it help? Would they even understand or would they think me just plain stupid? My mind is diving deeper into a place I usually try and avoid. In fact, I think that one of the main reasons why this relationship has lasted so long is because I tend to avoid discussing important issues because I know I'll hear something disappointing. It's hard to imagine my future with him. Isn't is supposed to be the other way around?

Mr Blog, before coming to you for some comfort of the virtual kind, I was standing holding a pillow in pajamas in the hallway with the door to my partner on my right and a door to my friend's room on the left. I wanted to talk to my sleeping friend but didn't want to disturb his sleep. I went into my partners and wanted to wake up and talk but decided that was utter insanity. So I just stood in the small and narrow hallway with my crumpled pillow feeling just lost. My legs would not move because I didn't know which way I was supposed to go. I always had to laugh at myself at how I must look because it sure was pathetic as hell. So the only sane option was to write to you Bloggie. Remember years back I used to call you Diary. Because of technological advances, you are temporarily called Mr Blog if you don't mind. I just hope I will be able to sleep after this. The sun's going to come up soon and I got stuff to do goddammit. If I don't get myself to sleep I swear I'm just going to buy myself some sleepings pills to put me to sleep after I get back from the airport. The only thing I fear is how I will feel when I wake up to have to face reality. Would I be feeling the same as how I feel now?

what's wrong with my anyway and what exactly has got me started feeling so sad today? Do I want to know really? Am I strong enough to face what's real? Am I living a lie? Or is this what life's supposed to be? What? I don't have a fucking clue!

Wow bad case of influenza

I just got back from Singapore 4 days ago and I'm just recovering from influenza. Once again, I overestimated my body's strength and I must remind myself that I'm just not as young as I used to be. During my final days in Singapore, I literally felt drained of energy whatsoever. I started to rely on cans of Red Bull to keep me going as it usually did the trick. So although I had the most wonderful time in my at-the-moment favorite Asian city, I immediately feel ill when I arrived in Tokyo. Last night my fever went up to 39.9 and when it refused to go down for more than 24 hours, I finally gave in and went to the hospital at 1am. I was glad I did because I got my meds that got my fever under control.

Anyway, back to Singapore. It really was a fantastic trip. There is so much to like about that city. Yes there are many reasons why I would have a difficult time living there. The year-long hot weather, the size of the country, the cargo ships that never seem to leave, and the fact that gays have to fight to properly live in their country. Having said that, the gays that do decide to live there are strong and more alive than many of their counterparts in Asia, which makes them extremely attractive in my eyes. They always have an opinion and conversations are never stagnant. I have more to say about all that but I want to write more about the other stuff about Singapore other than the gay people. lol. I do think it's a miracle how such a small and young country could change into this dynamic and metropolitan city in such a short time. It's really amazing to me. Other reasons to live Singapore is the food. Some of the food you can't get anywhere else and that's reason enough to want to go for any serious foodie. Now on a personal note, I have made some really special friends there and that is the number one reason of why I enjoy my trips there. They make it so special for me and I don't know if I would ever be able to return the favor. I will do my best that's for sure. I just don't know if I would be able to. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am so ever grateful to you guys.

Now strange things happen to me when I'm on vacations. Perhaps it's an aura I carry around or maybe it's the water I dont know. The last time I was there, the male housekeeper wanted to have sex with me. This time someone at Universal Studios Singapore wanted to take me into the toilet and have sex with me!!! A total stranger mind you! All I could do was laugh because it was just too hilarious! This would never happen to me in Tokyo, never! hahaha. Anyway, he was cute and I sort of let him kiss me and even that is something I never did at a theme park with a stranger! ;)

It's hot

Rainy season has arrived in Tokyo but it's hot and sunny here today in Tokyo. It's nice because I can't stand this season when it tends to rain non-stop for days on end. Today, I take a small break from work and everything else to just do nothing!ahhhhhh.

My mother went back to Hawaii on last Friday and it's been 3 days since she's left. As always it was sad to see her leave and the drive to the airport was very quiet with no one hardly speaking a word. I could tell my mother was trying her best to keep it together. That was a good thing because it helped me keep the tears from flowing out.

So she's been here for exactly one month. She looked really good and better than I thought. She gained approximately 10 pounds while she arrived. I made sure to feed her all her favorite foods. She mostly spent her days cleaning and doing the laundry. She also seemed to enjoy taking care of my plants. We did things on the weekend with my partner, but it seems she really just enjoys walking around the neighborhood.

The one thing that did worry me was the fact that she mostly eats just carbs. At the same time, she would complain about her deteriorating health, although she's perfectly fine. I think she's actually younger than she thinks she is or feels. It's pretty obvious. She walks really slow, but I notice she can also run and walk up long flights of stairs with almost no problem. She also eats a lot at buffets and she eats everything! She only eats carbs at home. It's so confusing.

Anyway, it has been a treat having her here. She let me work and although she does add unneccessary stress to my life and a strict adherence to her rules and schedule, it was still nice to have her around. I hope that next year she will be well enough to take her traveling to somewhere nice in Japan by plane. That would be really nice. I think she would really enjoy Kyushu. Either that or Hokkaido again. She made it back to Hawaii and was upgraded to business class. She was ecstatic about that and raved about the food. So happy for her.

My fashion show finished yesterday. The sim did crash once due to too many people attending, which is always a good thing but still, I hate crashes. After major shows like these, I always need a day of break like today. I'm looking forward to renting a couple of DVDs and just laying on the sofa all day today. :)

My Singapore trip

I finally made it down to Singapore this May. Singapore is quite far from Tokyo considering it's about 7 and a half hour by plane. I was also feeling really terrible the week before so I didn't feel quite sure I'd be able to make it. However it turned out to be the best decision I've made this year.

I made sure I had myself booked into nice hotels. I had bookings for the Conrad, the Hilton on Orchard and finally the Sentosa Resort on the resort island. All the hotels were wonderful especially the Conrad. Service at the hilton and Sentosa was flawless, except for this Japanese staff at the front desk at Sentosa. He hardly smiled and looked us in the eyes. Very strange. He must have been new or something.

I'll see if I can remember what I did in the Lion City.

Day 1:
I arrived very late around 2:30am in Singapore due to Delta being really delayed. My friend Patrick was waiting for me at the airport and I felt so bad to have made him wait so long on a weeknight. Anyway he promptly picked me up and drove me over to the Conrad. He also gave me a cell phone to use while in Singapore and an EZ Link card to use on public transport. He's so nice I swear and he is becoming a very special friend in my life. I arrived at the Conrad and my hotel was very roomy and comfortable. There we fresh fruits and chocolates on the table along with a teddy bear. There was another bear on the bed and two rubber duckies in the bathtub. During my stay they always furnished me with more water than I needed. I took a nice hot bath and went to bed.

Day 2:
I wake up quite early and feel a bit sleepy. But I get myself out of bed and head downstairs to get a bite to eat. I have some yogurt and croissant. I also had a few pieces of papaya but that's it. It's a buffet but i must watch my weight.

I decide to walk around the area. There are malls everyone around the hotel. It's located in the Marina Area and everything is connected by malls or underground corridors to help cope with the heat. I walk through these malls and they are mazes. I get lost and start to get hungry. I end up going to starbucks and getting myself a sandwich( it was very mediocre) and an iced coffee. As I drink my coffee, I'm wondering how I'm going to get out of the huge mall? I decide to just wing it. So after the lunch at starbucks, I wander around some more and see some signs saying MARINA. That sounds promising so I go out of the automatic doors leading outside. The heat surprises me with its intensity. It feels kind of good though after the air con and Tokyo's wet and cold winter. I walk around and see the Singapore flyer on my left. I can also see the Esplanade and decide to walk that way. As I walk, I also see the Merlion so I decide to walk over there. As I'm walking over the bridge going to the Merlion, I start to get so hot and sweaty i decide I have to pace myself as not to dehydrate myself like the last time. It's a nice a hot walk. I make it to the Merlion. As always lots of tourists taking pictures. So much has changed since the last time I was there. I see the huge Sands Casino in front of me. I also see new buildings that look futuristic in the back. This is awesome! It's time to head back to the hotel. I go through a beautiful and hot park and go through another mall. I buy a pair of eye bag fixing gel packs at the pharmacy. I go to my hotel room to take a shower and change. Today I meet up with Patrick and his friend Ricky.

Patrick picks me up at the hotel and we first go to Marina Barrage. This is a very modern dam that will help Singapore get their own water as well as to help prevent floods in the future. After that we go to this local place in the suburbs to eat some genuine local cuisine. Everything was delicious! We had some satays, hokkien mee and rojak, which were all delicious. I am overly excited because i've been wanting to try hokkien mee and rojak from the guidebooks! They do not disappoint. After dinner, we head to Katong to get a bowl of famous laksa and I swear, I never had such great laksa ever!!! This is the best and I never knew how good a good bowl of laksa could be! Thank you guys for taking me there! I also pick up some Peranakan sweets there. we head back to my hotel and I am happy and full from all that food. It was a nice start to my vacation.

Day 3
Another hot and sunny day awaits! Today I have an appointment with Dominic, my Second Life friend. It feels kind of weird to meet someone that you know from a virtual world but I look forward to it. Oh, the housekeeper is here. He wants to know if he can clean my room and I say ok. He's a super nice Indian guy. He starts chatting me up and he starts asking me the strangest questions. Some of the questions he asks.

Are you married?
Do you want to go to the sauna?
Do you want to meet after my shirt?

Well he either wants to scam money off me, wants me to treat him to dinner, or wants to have sex with me. Anyway this is the Conrad hotel so I'm a bit cautious and i leave it at that. he gives me more water than he's supposed to (6 bottles) but i'm happy with that. I offer some tip but he refuses.

Dominic picks me up at the hotel and we cab it to this restaurant in a horse-riding club in the jungle. It's quite out of the way, but this is the best part! I get to see places other than the tourist spots. The clubhouse is filled with guests for lunch and the menu consists of western food. I go for the crab pasta and eat most of the crab and just a bit of the pasta. It's really good but remember, I don't want to gain weight. I want to eat everything without gaining an ounce. However the manager comes over and suggets a piece of carrot cake and if you know me, i can never turn down dessert. we get it to take away and I eat some later. It wasn't that great though. hmmmm.

After lunch we go to the Asian Civilizations Museum. You can learn all about the different asian cultulres that have shapes singapore today. It's quite interesting and we took their tour, which lasted longer than it should. I thorougly enjoyed it though. Once we left the building, it started to pour outside! Luckily Dominic had an umbrella and we could go and get some shelter. We then took a taxi to a massage parlour as I was in need of a massage. It was a men-only place that he frequents but there is absolutey no sex invovlved. This was a ctually a good thing and one of the best massages i've ever had! I felt so good after that I was ready for anything! He took me back to the hotel and after a few bites of carrot cake, I got ready to go to dinner with Alan, another friend of mine.

Alan picked me up in his Mercedes(very cool car) and we went to the Majestic restaurant in the Majestic Hotel. Very cool designer/boutique hotel. The restaurant is nouvelle chinese and the food was fabulous! Unline any Chinese food I've had in Japan or the US that's for sure. Everything was subtle and sauces were never overwhelming. You could actually taste the freshness of the ingredients. We had crab claws, shark's fin cartilage soup, fish and more! Yummy. Alan was fun to talk to and also entertaining to be with. Really cool guy. After dinner we took the top off of his car and drove around on the highway to see the night lights of singapore! Cool ending to a fabulous day!

Day 4:
Had my usual breakfast of yogurt and fruits and a bit of bread. I go back to my room and again, my Indian housekeeper comes to do my room. I finally decide to ask him if he is gay. He says he is married and has kids and that they live in Malaysia. But now, he likes me. Interesting...Oh, he also gives me a kiss on the cheek. Isn't that nice? Isn't that unusual?

Today I decide to do chinatown on my own. I find my way to the nearest MRT station, which took me longer than it should have. I succeed on getting on the correct train and I alight at Chinatown! Ok, that was kind of cool and actually fun! first thing I do is pick up some curry puffs that are staring at me from this vendor. It was very tasty actually. i should have gotten one more. Next thing is the Chinatown heritage center, where i learn how the early Chinese immigrants used to live in singapore. It was a very moving exhibition and I will take my friend Michael here in August. You really do see Chinatown in a different light after you see this. I walk through all the roads that Dominic told me about. I also try to find club street however, i end up taking a wrong turn and I'm just walking and walking. I finally get lost a bit and I am sweating profusely in the heat and humidity. I finally find my way back and am in need of another massage. I jump into one I find and I get another fabulous massage! I think I fell asleep because it was just so good.

I go back to the hotel room to take a quick shower before heading to the MRT station again. I start to get a slight headache as happens when I get tired. When I meet up with Dominic, he can tell something is wrong. I tell him about my headache and he goes and buys me something from ORIGINS to help the headache. i swear he is just such a nice person. I kind of wish my boyfriend had some of his traits. Damn. This ORIGINS thing actually helps and I instantly feel better. We decide to go to a healthy Chinese restaurant, meaning this restaurant serves healthy foods using chinese herbs and lots of vegetables. This was one of my favorite restaurants of the entire trip. The decor was totally my style. New, modern and unique! The service was fantastic and the food was unique! I felt refreshed after the meal although we didn't have time for dessert. We had a play to catch! We went to see a play called Animal Farm and it was one of the most enjoyable plays I've seen in years! After the play, we went to Haji Lane, which is supposed to be like the Soho of New York. It's not really but it is very unique. People on the streets smoking water pipes and drinking. Very alternative scene. Very me in my 20s. We chose a place to relax and chat over some drinks. I got to know dominic better and I'm glad we've met. It is 1 am now and it was time to go back to rest.

Day 5:
I decide to skip breakfast and just have some fruits from my room. I also have coffe in my room so really, that's all I need in the morning. Next time, I think i'll opt for the wifi instead of the upgrade and free breakfast. Anyway, today I check out of this hotel and check into the Hilton on Orchard. This morning though, the Indian housekeeper comes in again to say hello. He actually looks sad that I'm leaving. He gives me his cell phone number but I have no intention of ever calling him. He gives me a little present. Another teddy bear with a Chinese hat one. It's supposed to be a special version that was given out to guests during Chinese new years. Very nice of him. He also gave me tons of water again. He said to take them with me so I put 6 bottles of water into my suitcase. hahaha. Well thank you Sam. Yeah his name is Sam. Today he decide to grab my crotch and kisses me on the lips. Oh my gosh, he's kind of hot!

I check out of the hotel and head over to Hilton where the really cute guy lets me check in early. Too bad he couldn't come into my room like the Indian guy. :) My room is clean but small compared to the Conrad. My view is very blah and bathroom is small. I miss the Conrad and my Indian housekeeper!

I meet up with Patrick and Dominic for lunch. We go to eat some sandwiches and carrot cake at this place called Toast. It's supposed to be run by a gay owner but you'd never know. After some walking around, we have tea at chatterbox. Patrick has to leave for a family thing so we say goodbye and Dominic and I head over to the Singapore bonatical gardens. It's really a beautiful garden and it's hard to believe that there is no entrance fee! Then it's finally time to meet up with my other virtual friend, Ego! Her real name is Dion, but we call her Ego, her virtual name. She's cute and has a vivacious personality. I like her on the spot! We go to eat dinner at GRAZE, this uber-hip restaurant serving Fusion Australian. The food was good! Strange though that no one drinks in singapore except the foreigners. it must be the expensive prices for drinks. Anyway, I needed a mohito. Damn, if this was in Tokyo, we would all be having 3-4 drinks by that time. Anyway, this is Singapore and people just don't drink like we do. During dinner, Ego and Dominic decides that we should go and pick my partner up from the airport tonight. He's arriving tonight to meet with me. Well, it turns out that he will also be arriving late due to a delay with Delta. He arrives at 2am or something like that and we're all pretty zombied out by then. We kill the time by eating kaya toast and taking pictures of each other. Reminds me of my teen years. Finally we pick Satoshi up and of course, he's totally surprised because we didn't tell him we would be picking him up there! We get back to the hotel and I say bye to my friends. I swear, everyone in Singapore is so nice.

Day 6:
We have breakfast at the hotel. I only had around 4 hours of sleep and I'm so tired. But as usual with Satoshi, he gets up early no matter how many hours he's had. We walk around Orchard and have lunch at the food court. I'm actually starting to get really tired and so we decide to just check out and go to Sentosa. We take the  cab to Sentosa while listening to the driver chat non-stop about buddhism. It was annoying and I had to ask him to shut up halfway as it was just getting rediculous. We got to our Resort on Sentosa and it's very lovely, almost looks like a resort in Phuket. I decide to take a shower and take a 15 minutes nap. I cancel our dinner appointment with Patrick because I'm just too tired. Satoshi and I head down to VivoCity to eat some dinner. We have hotpot. It was steaming hot and my sauce was spicy hot! Really good food though.

Day 7:
Ok, I feel much better today after sleeping. Today we go to Universal Studios! Universal Studios singapore is unique in that it is very small. They also have attractions that are unique to their park. Since I've been to all the Universal Studios in the world, it was interesting to compare them to this one. They have the Jurassic Park ride but in a white-water rafting style. That was fun! They also have a double steel roller coaster which was closed during our visit. They also have Madagascar, which was also not open yet. We also got to ride the Revenge of the Mummy. It was good but not as good as I expected. I just can't put my finger on it, but something was missing. The ending to me was abrupt and the story just seemed to stop. It lost me. Fun way to spend the day though.

After the part, we stepped out to try our luck at the casino just across from the park! This was very cool! I only played around $50 but I ended up winning $120!!! Yay! Gonna buy myself some shoes now. After the parks and casino, we decide to go to the Marina Area today. Satoshi takes tons of pictures and we eat at Jing, a restaurant that overlooks the waters of the Marina and Sands Casino. I swear, the service was horrid and people around us were complaining. I, however tried my best to befriend the manager and after that, we got terrific service while the others still complained. All in all, it was a fabulous day!

Day 8
Before checking out, we walk down to the beach on Sentosa. It's a lovely, albeit hot and humid walk. As soon as you walk out of your room, 5 minutes later, you are sweating. We took one more shower before checking out and then checking back into the Hilton on Orchard. We decide to do a bit more shopping in Orchard and then took the MRT to Chinatown. I give satoshi a tour and I finally find Club Street!!! Well, this area has got to be one of my favorite spots in Singapore! The old shophouses lining the quaint street while the first floor of the old shophouses are taken over by cool boutiques and funky restaurants. Very very me.  I could actually live here I think!

we meet up with Dominic, Patrick and Ricky for our last supper at a vegetarian Chinese restaurant. After dinner, Patrick took us up to Mount Faber and then a short drive around the Marina at night. we said our goodbyes and it was time to say goodnight.

Day 9
we get our wake up call at 3:15 am. Leave the hotel at 4:15. Arrive at airport 30 minutes later. check in. Wait. And then we board the plane.

That was basically a summary of my Singapore trip. I have to say I am so grateful and fortunate to have met such wonderful people. I am also happy to have seem my brother(not related of course) Patrick again. He is one of the sweetest person I know with the purest of hearts. His friend Ricky is now a friend of mine. Thank you Ricky for taking me to the laksa place and the yummy meat! Dominic is a real gentleman and one of the nicest persons I know. Thank you. Ego was the best lesbian friend ever! Too bad I did not have more time to get to know her. Next time! Thanks Alan for the lovely evening! ;) I even thank the Indian housekeeper, who wanted to make love to me at the Conrad Hotel.

Me in Singapore 2010 May

Sentosa Resort

Images of Singapore

Food in Singapore

Am I going crazy?

I remember it was around 12 years ago that I started keeping an online diary of my feelings. At that time, it mostly consisted of posts about my thoughts and feelings, emotions and things I dare not say to people in real. I still do that I guess, but compared to then, I think I have less issues to deal with. This morning I woke up with a similiar feeling reminiscent of that time 12 years ago..this is not a good feeling. It's scary and I almost tremble in fear. In fact, I just woke up and I can't shake this feeling away. I felt that I needed to jot down these feeling in my online diary so that I know there was a day that I felt this way. It is just such a bad feeling and I wish I had a shrink now. What's wrong with me?

Firstly, I had a bad dream. It was negative in every single way and played on my emotions in a bad way. I woke up shaken up and sort of bewildered. The thing is that when I woke up, it wasn't as if I felt bad because of the dream itself. This is what usually happens right. You feel bad because of the dream you had and you just want somebody to come and tell you it was all a bad dream. Well yeah, I did want someone to tell me that. However the weird thing is that I woke up feeling sad and scared. I woke up with the realization that perhaps I've been unhappy this whole time. I just felt very unhappy but in a very real way. Not just unhappy for a reason. I...felt...unhappy. I felt feaful. I felt...sad.

Feeling this way lying in bed for 20 minutes was not a good thing to do. In fact, I had to get myself up before I really got depressed or something. I actually felt like crying. I felt as though I had no one to talk to. I didn't know what to do. I...just...did...not...know.

There are times like this where I feel as though I'm going to go crazy. It's unreasonble and illogical to me because I can't seem to find a reason for this. I feel as though I'm unhappy with my relationship with my partner, but I'm not even sure if this is just in my head. Would you know that you were happy if you were in a relationship? Or would you have to just keep working on it and feel as though you have to sacrifice your soul to it? You see, I don't know what I'm actually saying anymore....I'm just jotting down my feelings as they come. Well, at least it seems as though I'm feeling just a bit better writing this all down. I still need to keep writing though.

I feel as if something in my life has to change. I also feel unsatisfied with my partner. My sister is always telling me that she has huge arguments with her boyfriend. In fact, she constantly vents and sounds like she could break up with him any moment. This has been going on for awhile now. As for me, my relationship is more stable from an outsider's perspective. We never argue and we never yell at each other. However something seems not right. We have no ups and downs. It's mostly just a straight line seemingly going nowhere. It's like a heart beat that's beating dull and slow to eternity. You see? It's like what the fuck right?
Just writing things like, "what the fuck" makes me ask myself, "what the fuck"! What am I, a teenager? However seriously, who cares about language. Who says that you can't say the word fuck when rappers can say it. So there, I've said it and I'm saying it again. Fuck! I feel like saying that. Perhaps I need to yell at someone. Here we go....maybe a solution? I wonder if my friend Michael would come on skype today...

Looking at things that could be problems or need changing, this is what I come up with. My relationship, my working at home alone and not meeting people for weeks at a time, my trying to be positive all the time, the medication I take for my panic attacks, my panic attacks...all these things definitely need to be looked into. What do you think? Am I going crazy or what? Or is this just one of those days?

i've decided that I need to meet somebody today for tea. I need to head down to Shinjuku instead of working all day. I cannot have a repeat of yesterday and the day before yesterday. I basically wake up at 7am and start working all the way until 9pm. I take a small break to take my dog for his walk, but that's it. I work until I'm feeling sick sometimes. This cannot be good right?

I have a deadline and I can't seem to catch up with all the work I'm bogged down with. I should look at this positively because there are many people who don't have work. I am fortunate you see. So what the hell is wrong with me dammit!

Ok, I think this is enough. I need to get my day started. I will leave for Shinjuku to get some fresh air. I need to recharge my battery. I need to clear my head. I need to fix myself.

My Designing Life

I recently had an interview on tweet.tv on my fashion brand called Shiki Design. We had rehearsals early
in the morning and after sound checks and making sure the models were all set, the interview started. It
was filmed in front of a live audience and it went fine despite the fact that I didn't know what to expect. Angie
Mornington, the hostess of the show, asked me some basic questions and some difficult ones as well.Naturally I stumbled on my words and got tongue-tied a couple of times but hey, that's life right. hehehe.

Of course, all this is in a virtual world but this world is very real for a lot of people today. I can't believe
my designs have come so far. I never thought I would be doing something like this as a virtual career. I don't know what you would actually call it because yes, I do design in my real time and yes, it is in a virtual world and catered for virtual people with real life people behind each avatar. Yes, they buy my clothes and yes they spend real money on them if they like them enough. I do get confused sometimes about all this virtual reality stuff, but I guess virtual things are a fact of life these days right.

So here is the interview on tweet.tv with me, Shinichi Mathy of Shiki Designs as the guest of the show.

Shinichi Mathy of Shiki Design

This month, I'm participating in the Relay for Life( charity for Cancer Research) in the virtual world. However all proceeds go directly to the American Cancer Society. I basically create 4 different outfits for the cause and help get people to participate in it. It's exciting and I am happy to be able to do something like this.

March is also the launch of my new collection so I need to get to work now! I am soooo behind!!!

Dreams & More Dreams

Last night I went to be around 10:30pm and decided to read my new novel. It ended up being kind of boring so I put it down after 20 minutes or so and started playing around with my iphone. I ended up falling asleep
around 1am. Now I usually never wake up unless 8 hours has passed. However this morning I found myself awake at 6am. This is the dream I had that woke me up.

I was in my apartment with my mother and sister. I was arguing with my mother about something. I think she was apologizing profusely for something and I was telling her to just forget about it. I don't even know what all the fuss was about. My sister walked into the room and started to try and patch things up. The phone rang and I needed to answer. It was the guy from the translation company who I translate for. He needed to clear something up that I sent him. I tried to explain to him what it all meant and for some reason, he did not understand and so we ended up really frustrated. All this time, my sister and mother are yelling at each other and my mother is about to leave. I want to try and stop her, but my boss needs my attention. My mother takes that as a sign that I don't care.

I wake up. It's 6am. I'm a bit bother by this but I force myself to go back to sleep because it's only been 5 hours since I slept.

I start to dream again.

My partner and I are in a public restroom. We are both waiting to go to use the stalls and they are full. He seems to have a stomachache and needs to go badly. A cute guy walks in and my partner notices him. He gives the next open stall to the who just walked in. I am irritated at this as I want to go already. The next stall opens up but he decides to wait for some reason. I ask him why and he's trying to think of an excuse to wait for the guy to come out of the stall. You know, the one he sort of likes.

I wake up. It's now 7am. I'm bother more. Why can't I stay asleep in peace?

I try and sleep again.

The same dream continues in the toilet with my partner waiting. Still waiting at the sink staring at his face for specks of dirt that are not there.

I wake up....again. 20 minutes have passed. I am so frustrated. I decide to put on some soothing music to calm my nerves. I fall asleep.

I start to dream....again.
This guy is rimming me. It feels good. Another guy appears and he does the same. It feels good.

I wake up.....moaning in pleasure. Ok, this is better but still....I'm moaning in bed all alone. I go back to sleep.

The dream continues. The above repeats itself with various men and continues to intercourse.

I wake up. It's 9am. I am moaning and my body is contorted into an unusual shape.

I finally decide to wake up and feel exhausted after all the activity I had in my sleep.

I wonder how my day will turn out?

Another week is over

It's Sunday night and my partner is cooking dinner for me. Sunday is his night to work in the kitchen to create something tasty for us to enjoy. I usually take my dog for his walk and then come home to work out or work on my computer while he's cooking. He is in the kitchen for a couple of hours as he likes to drink beer while slowly cutting, slicing, sauteing and stirring sauces while he contemplates life or something. At least that's what I think he does. Well, he basically takes forever, but he's enjoying himself and that's always a good thing.

You know, my partner and I have been together for 10 years now and that's the longest relationship I've been in. Amazingly, we still have sex once a week and it's usually on a Saturday. Sex is good and honestly, it's better now than it was 5 years ago and that's also a good thing.

My health seems to be improving since I stopped relying on the doctors to somehow cure me. I just realized that in the end, I'm the one that's responsible for my own health and that's that. Even when I feel bad, there are always two ways to look at it. One, I can just feel really bad and think to myself that this is really bad and terrible and why is God putting me through these irritating tests of endurance? Or two, I can think to myself that it's just some sort of healt "blip" and I trust my body to get through it and all I have to do is wait for a bit and all will be ok. Yeah, it sounds simple but it's bloody hard to do. However it works and I've been doing this for awhile and I notice that I feel more confident. My panic attacks are getting less frequent and I am not too afraid of getting on trains like I used to be. The latest event happened today going on a train. As soon as my partner told me it is the express train, for some reasons I started to panic. My hands got cold and clammy, my heart beating quick, and the inside of my brains started to become confused. That's the only way I can describe it. I persuaded him to wait for the local train and we ended up getting off after one station. I eventually succumbed to taking my medication(which I'm trying not to rely on too much), and after about 15 minutes, I felt better. We made it all the way and that was a good thing. Sounds really bad but really, I've had worse and more intence episodes so this was nothing really. It was just a "blip" in my daily radar and that is all. No big deal. I'm handling it the best I can and there is nothing I can do about it. I believe it's going to all go away one of these days and that's always a good thing.

For lunch, we had ramen again. Miso ramen that's famous in Hokkaido. Really good food I tell you. My partner has gotten me hooked on ramen noodles and every weekend, we go and try and new restaurant to eat those damn tasty noodles. That's a good thing too.

My dinner is ready now. Curry.! Always a good thing!

Just babbling

Last week it snowed suddenly and I was pleasantly surprised. For the past two years, Tokyo has had no snow and I start to miss it after two years of absence. A couple of my friends and I went to see a movie and had dinner afterwards. It was not that cold when we went to see the movie. After the dinner however when we were about to leave the restaurtant, the waiter told us to take care as there was a blizzard outside. Of course I thought he was just kidding. However when we got out of the restaurant, there really was a blizzard and it was freezing!

We decided to go for just one drink. It was fun, but mostly we spent that 30 minutes looking through GRINDR on my iphone. We decided to go home before it started to snow harder because the train sometimes have to stop. On the way home though, it was so cold that I actually had to stop inside a 7 Eleven
to get myself warm. I was really cold and thought I would die or something. Yes, I hate cold weather and I despise freezing temperatures. My body was NOT made to withstand freezing temperatures and I believe that my blood would probably freeze up if I had to stay outside for more than 20 minutes.

It was nice though and the next morning, although it was a nice day, the snow remained on the rooftops of houses and on the street corners of the city. The temperature remained extremely cold. Now just to let you know almost a week has passed and it is still absolutely freezing here.

The weather forecast says that next week should bring just a tad more warmer temperatures. I really hope so as I am about to run off to Hawaii if this continues any longer.

Today I got to thinking about my life again. Just thinking back on how dramatic it has been. I used to think my life would be less dramatic and more "normal", whatever "normal" might be. I always felt as I was living two lives.I probably could fill two lives if I wanted to I guess. I never thought of my life that way until people started to tell me that my life was so dramatic. Sure it was.....I just never really thought much about it. I mean I did think about it. I was just too busy trying to get used to my life and all the drama that was happening.

I think about it now and it is true that I have less drama. This does not mean my life is boring.

My childhood had its ups and downs, but mostly downs and sometimes down to the pits of hell. The past doesn't really phase me anymore and I think I've dealt with my personal issues a long time ago. I remember a time when I really despised my father, could not wait to move away from my mother, questioned my parent's lives, and all my past ex-boyfriends that I thought were all assholes. I really don't remember much about my childhood. Some things I remember are just random things such as a butterfly I tried to catch with my bare hands, the taste of strawberry milk when I was 4 or 5, and trying to eat snow.

Anyway, why am I thinking about all this now? Well, it's probably because of the recent conversation I had with my sister when she was visiting last year. We talked a lot and because we live in different countries and far away from each other, we really had to catch up with each other. We ended up telling each other's dirty secrets and that opened up a big box of secret treasures to share with each other.

My sister was shocked at some of the things I've been through and visa versa. I realized that we both experienced a lot of pain during our childhood and we both think it's a miracle we are what we are today. It's quite amazing that we didn't turn out fucked up or something. My sister is still dealing with her personal issues regarding our mom and dad. I think we both have gotten better at dealing with those issues. I know I have as i no longer hold any resentment towards anyone. I have questions for sure. I wish I could come right out and ask my mother or my dad why they did certain things and what was going on in their heads then. Yes, I still do not understand and neither does my sister. My sister though, has decided to avoid the past and has kept her feelings behind closed doors. I guess I've done the same thing...I'm just not sure anymore because when I think about it and talk about it, I do start to get bad feelings. Does this mean that I have issues that I still need to confront? Or is this all normal...hmmmm.....I'm just not sure anymore.

Again, why am I thinking about all this at this point in my life? I don't know the answer to that either. I just thought about it today and felt the need to get this down on virtual paper I suppose. I sometimes wonder if I went to a psychiatrist like a lot of Americans do, that would help me a happier person. I don't know about that either because I did go to one a couple of times and I actually felt like I was wasting my time and my money. It was not as if she did anything or told me anything that actually helped. All she does is nod and look at me with understanding eyes and after about 25 minutes, she says, " I really think we should continue these sessions for awhile and would you like to make your next reservation?" I swear, I've never had such an unsatisfying feeling in my life. Even bad sex is better than this, I thought. Well, this was 2 years ago and seriously, I think I'm doing fine without her services thank you.

I used to have a website which I started 12 years ago. It was called Shinichi's World. How vain can I be right? It was started by myself as self therapy as I was going through some sort of mid-life crisis because I was extremely unhappy even though I had a partner that I loved. I used to write details about my past and other juicy details including sex life and whatever. I really used that website to its full extent for the benefit of my self therapy. The reason I stopped that website was because of the rediculous popularity it had become,
it had actually been introduced in a gay magazine twice! I was asked by an Australian researcher to be interviewed and also asked to be in a documentary about Japanese gays. People used to come up to me at the airport or in the meat section of the grocery store asking me if I was "Shinichi". After awhile, I started to become self-consious and I became scared to pick my nose in public in fear of it being seen by someone who "knew" me. Those people who would see me would report their findings on another website where people go to gossip. I hated that and although I only read it once because someone told me about it, the last straw was when a picture of my face was attached to a body that was sucking a cock. Yes, it looked quite natural and I had to think about it and wondered if it truly was me in that picture giving head to some guy. I looked quite happy doing it but believe me, I would remember something like that. hahaha

Some good things did come out of starting that website. I've made very good friends through some sort of connection through that website. I've released all my issues on that website and gradually became a happier person. I've also learned that it's actually kind of nice to have people knowing everything about you. I mean, but the time I meet someone, they know all about my life including how I like to have sex.

Now I have a blog. It's easier to manage and much easier to update. It's absolutely free! I'm sure there are many more benefits to blogging. I still do write about my secrets here and most of my friends and family know about it. My mother could not accept it at first, but it's something I feel I need to do. This blog is where I can totally be open. It's where I can be sad or angry, happy or horny...repentant or a bitch. Things that I would normally keep to myself or not meant for conversation at dinner.

I remember some stranger asked me whether I'm still agry or sad about something. I had absolutely no idea what the guy was talking about. The fact is that I write when I feel the need to write and this is when I'm usually feeling something. I'm sure everyone is temporarily upset about something during some point in their lives and the only difference is that I write all this here. So it sort of stays here forever and I guess if you read the post about "an upsetting day", you could imagine me being a very upset person. Nah, I'm actually a happy guy and don't let small stuff bother me. You can ask all my friends and they'll tell you I'm normally in a good mood. :)

I'm babbling again and once I do that, I can go on and on. I will decide to stop now because it's 1 AM. I've washed my face and brushed my teeth already...yep...all done. I'm ready to go to bed. When I wake up, my partner should be home from work. He's working overnight on a Saturday and he's coming home in the morning. Tomorrow's my birthday party with my friends. I've dieted all day today so I feel thinner. Now only if I didn't mess up my hair yesterday. I had it colored this horrible color! My hairstylist said he wasn't feeling well and got the colors wrong. Oh well. stuff happens right! I'm sure my friends would still love me with terrible hair. :)

Good night

After dinner my friends and I left the restaurant to find it snowing. Coming home I was freezing!

For my birthday my bf took me to osaka.he surprised me with a first class ticket. Yay!

My birthday cake

Me test

Just came back from osaka.this is a test!!!

Happy birthday to me!

Alright! I'm 44! Can you believe it? Nope, neither can I. Gosh, damn it feels like such an old number! I just cannot believe I am 44! 44 for God's sake! Phew! Ok, got that out of my system. I feel an inner calmness running through my veins at the moment. Breathe......

How does it really feel to be 44? To be totally honest with you, it's really no big deal.You see, i thought it would feel different. I imagined that when i turned 44, I would magically get more wrinkles and my skin would start to sag. Nope. I feel and look quite the same and it's a good feeling. For some reason, i like the way I look. I don't look as young as i used to mind you. I could do wit less bags under my eyes for sure. However I am happy with myself and that's that. Really and truly, I'm not trying to be positive thinking or anything like that. That's the funny thing. I always thought it would be harder for some reason. Nope, it's as easy as pie and i like pie! Ok, I'm getting hungry now. hehehe

My birthday was a quiet one with no fanfare whatsoever. I was working late into the evening and so I didnt have anything planned. My partner will take me to Osaka for the weekend for my birthday. He asked me what i wanted and I really couldn't think of any material things that I really wanted. What came to my mind was relaxation. So he booked a suite at a lovely hotel in Osaka. How I don't know why it has to be in Osaka, but it's all good. I really wanted to say at this resort in Hakone, but it was all booked. Osaka it shall be. My friends will have a party for me next weekend as I'm away this weekend. My friend Kan wants to take me out on Monday after I come back from my Osaka trip, so that's really nice. My partner surprised me with a lovely cake on my birthday.

Last but not least, the thing that really made my day special was all the people wishing me happy birthday through emails, facebook and fridae. LOL. Ok, I know that sounds really weird and juvenile, but it's true. Really made my day and I was happy. Without facebook you see, I would never be able to stay in touch with friends who live in other countries as well as family members. You can either love or hate technology. I myself have a love/hate relationship with it. However I love facebook and thankful for its existence.

Today I'm cooking fish and a simple salad of tempura and mizuna greens. Strange combo I know but it works you know. Really really. One day i was lazy and decided to make a salad of what I had in teh fridge. Leftover tempura(which I cup up with scissors Korean style) and mizuna greens. Put them into a big bowl, drizzled soy sauce, sesame oil and some vinegar. Tossed it and piled them on a plate. Simple and delicious!

I'm a bit delirious because i had a really long day. My eyes are all blurry and I need a glass of wine I think. That's what I'll do. I want to go on a holiday. I want to go to Singapore and Hong Kong and Paris! LA, San Francisco and New York too!

Alright, I'll just shut up and get that damn glass of wine.

A mixed bag of emotions

Today is actually not too bad. At least the kinks in my neck seems to be getting better. Either that or I'm getting used to the pain. The pains in my neck and shoulders started sometime 3 days ago. I mean it feels like I slept in the wrong position with the big difference that it sort of happened suddenly in the middle of the afternoon. I can hardly turn my neck sideways and it's pretyt uncomfortable. It's been 3 days now and I seem to be getting used to it or something. I'm going to get myself to an acupuncturist today to see if that helps.

Ok, sure my neck pains is adding to my depressing mental state. However I really felt bad these past few months and it just doesnt seem to get better. Believe me I am trying really hard to stay upbeat and do things to try and get better. I do yoga, stretches, avoid the elevator to my 8th floor apartment, eat healthy and sleep 8 hours of sleep and envision my life in perfect health. So what am I NOT doing? In fact, I was so tired and depressed the other day of trying to feel healthy. I actually started to shake and feel like throwing up on the train coming home the other week. Believe me that really sucks.

I usually try not to complain too much about my health but seriously, I just felt the need to take it out on my blog. Do I feel better now? Not really, but at least I got it out of my system and it sort of feels like I talked to someone.

A bit ashamed to say this, but recently I have been hungering for affection. Strange because I do have a partner of 10 years, but the fact is that we hardly ever hug and he's very unaffectionate. The bad thing is that I hardly care these days. I do love him and care about him a great deal. However I think sometime last year, I gave up on trying. I decided it was easier to not really expect much from him. He's not a bad guy. He's just not what I expected in a partner I guess.

I really wanted to start this year right. It sure doesnt seem to be going that way. However if I were to think positively about all of this, maybe this will all make me stronger. Perhaps I'm supposed to be experiencing all of this in order to advance to the next phase in my life. Well, I really have no choice do I?

These days, I fantasize about a man taking him in his arms and just laying my head on his chest while he embraces me with love. I also dream about running around with no pain whatsoever. No, I have not given up hope yet for anything. I still do love life. I just wish it was a tad easier.