A mixed bag of emotions

Today is actually not too bad. At least the kinks in my neck seems to be getting better. Either that or I'm getting used to the pain. The pains in my neck and shoulders started sometime 3 days ago. I mean it feels like I slept in the wrong position with the big difference that it sort of happened suddenly in the middle of the afternoon. I can hardly turn my neck sideways and it's pretyt uncomfortable. It's been 3 days now and I seem to be getting used to it or something. I'm going to get myself to an acupuncturist today to see if that helps.

Ok, sure my neck pains is adding to my depressing mental state. However I really felt bad these past few months and it just doesnt seem to get better. Believe me I am trying really hard to stay upbeat and do things to try and get better. I do yoga, stretches, avoid the elevator to my 8th floor apartment, eat healthy and sleep 8 hours of sleep and envision my life in perfect health. So what am I NOT doing? In fact, I was so tired and depressed the other day of trying to feel healthy. I actually started to shake and feel like throwing up on the train coming home the other week. Believe me that really sucks.

I usually try not to complain too much about my health but seriously, I just felt the need to take it out on my blog. Do I feel better now? Not really, but at least I got it out of my system and it sort of feels like I talked to someone.

A bit ashamed to say this, but recently I have been hungering for affection. Strange because I do have a partner of 10 years, but the fact is that we hardly ever hug and he's very unaffectionate. The bad thing is that I hardly care these days. I do love him and care about him a great deal. However I think sometime last year, I gave up on trying. I decided it was easier to not really expect much from him. He's not a bad guy. He's just not what I expected in a partner I guess.

I really wanted to start this year right. It sure doesnt seem to be going that way. However if I were to think positively about all of this, maybe this will all make me stronger. Perhaps I'm supposed to be experiencing all of this in order to advance to the next phase in my life. Well, I really have no choice do I?

These days, I fantasize about a man taking him in his arms and just laying my head on his chest while he embraces me with love. I also dream about running around with no pain whatsoever. No, I have not given up hope yet for anything. I still do love life. I just wish it was a tad easier.