Roller Coaster Emotions

I'm not really sure what's wrong with me but I feel like I'm riding on a roller coaster-an emotional roller coaster and it's not stopping any time soon. I know what it's all about and deep inside, I know what I must do. I just don't know if it's the right thing to do.

Back in December, I went back to Hawaii to visit my family and although I was really excited at the prospect of seeing them again, I've never felt so much stress. My mother was the same and to tell you the truth, she hasn't changed onebit except for the fact that she looked healthier and more energetic than before. Perhaps she thrives on the arguments she gets into with my sister but whatever it is, it's doing her good. But it was my sister that stressed me out more than ever. I know that she's probably going through menopause so I have to try and be understanding, but I've never seen her more bitter, more condescending and insensitive to other people's feelings than I'd ever seen her. But like I said, she's going through a lot and she is after all, my sister so I'm going to cut her some slack. The thing about meeting them though and the things they said made me do a lot of thinking.

Now I know that I shouldn't let what others say affect me but when it comes from your family members, it tends to affect me just a little bit more. I cherish their opinions and maybe just a little too much. They had their opinions of what I should be doing with my life, who I should be dating and the list goes on and on. And yes I know this is the norm with every family out there. However I have to say that they put me through hell this time around. I'm going to be honest and I'm not going to lie to myself that they can sometimes make me feel worse than anybody else on earth.

Once I got back to my home in Tokyo, I did feel better. I had some time alone and I felt a sense of peace. This feeling of peace lasted pretty much the entire month of January. But today of all days, I feel a sense of unease. I feel as if I am in limbo and this has to do with the relationship I am in. My relationship has never been the best but I'm not the type to expect things from others. I accept. However this time, I am sensing a change in myself. Perhaps it's the lack of communication that's non-existent in my relationship. Or the fact that my feelings towards my partner is evolving towards a less good place. I really don't know yet because I haven't had time to process these feelings. All I know is that something's not quite right and it hasn't been for the longest time.

Now, one thing that my mother and sister says to me all the time is this, and truthfully this bugs me more than anything else. They feel that I should be thankful that somebody out there loves me. They make it sound as if I must hang on to this relationship no matter what the circumstances because I won't be able to do better. In other words, beggars can't be choosers. They remind me to "fear" the alternative rather than to encourage me to trust myself, love myself and respect myself the way I deserve to be. But then again, I won't expect anything from them because it is what it is.

I know I'm rambling all over the place today, but I needed to vent. I know I'll be fine. I just have to remind myself today what I promised myself years ago. To love myself and respect myself above all else. Because as Rupaul says in her shows, "If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you going to love someone else?