Another cold day

The temperature seems to drop a degree as each day goes by. I try to stay upbeat and positive about the winter by thinking of everything that's the holiday season....the sweets, food and twinkling lights in the city. Still I admit I dread the winter. I just don't do well in the freezing cold. I find myself looking for deals on flights to Singapore, Hawaii and even Guam. If Korea were warm during the winters, I would be there more often that's for sure. The fuel surcharge is only 2500 yen one way and tickets can be had for a very low price.

Last night I had the weirdest dreams again. Part one was about my mother. We were at a little stall in my neighborhood where my mother was interested in a little jade ring. She told me to grab the little wooden contraption next to her so I did. I had no idea what it was but anyway, she started to push me away so we could hurry home. I had no idea what all the rush was about but when we got home, she told me that she forgot to pay for the ring! I demanded that we go back to return the ring and that wooden contraption I had brought back with me. As I went to get the key, my mom had already left on her own so I hurried after her to the stall. As I came closer to the stall I could see my mother sitting on a chair with a sad and uncomfortable look on her face. As I approached, the lady at the stall started to yell at me for stealing the wooden contraption as they needed that for business. She was also very upset about the jade ring that my mother forgot to pay for. I profusely apologized for the mistake and told her I had no idea what the wooden contraption was for. My mother started to blame me for taking it without permission so I spat back at her saying that she practically forced me to take it. At that moment my mother started making this wimpering sound and she started to talk gibberish. I immediately felt guilty for making my mother sad. At that moment I woke up from my dream realizing that it was my dog that was wimpering to let out of the room.

After letting my dog out, I went back to sleep because it was too early and too cold to pull myself out of the warm bed. Dream part two starts. My friend and I check into a luxury hotel in someplace that looked like Los Angeles. All I remember was that it was warm and there were palm trees outside. The first room we get is just terrible and I immediately go down to the front dest to complain. I tell them that we need the room changed and that I was a regular guest there so I deserve a better room. They tell us to wait in the lobby while they try to remedy the problem. A few seconds later they come back apologizing and to let us know that they have prepared a suite for us. I have no idea why we are upgraded to a suite but I am way too excited to be staying in a suite! My friend and I decide to go to a bar for a drink. The waiter comes up to us and says that we are invited to a special dinner tomorrow night. He tells me that I am invited because the dinner is exclusively for lawyers. He also tells me that I was upgraded to the suite because they didn't realize  was a lawyer. Should I just admit I'm not a lawyer and forfeit my suite? Or should I just go with the flow and pretend I am a lawyer at the dinner? I imagine myself trying to act all professional and coming up with lawyer topics like in those Bridget Jones movies. At that moment I wake up once again.

So I had two strange dreams back to back. I'm feeling kind of strange and blue in bed with my dog. I look at my dog lying next to me and feel so much love for him. I then start to wonder about my relationship to my partner again. I don't know what triggered this feeling. Was it the dream that I just had that's messing with my head? Or is it something else? Why am I feeling this way?

Summer is finally here!

It's been a fairly short rainy season this year here in Tokyo and that's totally fine by me. Grey skies and constant raining does not make me happy. The Tokyo summer is pretty brutal by any standards. The other day, it was 35 degrees where I live. What makes is worse is that we have an energy shortage this year and we are expected to cut electricity usage by at least 30%. So went out and bought a fan and disconnected my air conditioning in every room. At first it took some getting used to and I had a hell of a time trying to sleep at night. I bought a "cooling" pillow, which only made me hotter. I also found something that you spray onto sheets or clothes to make you cooler. It just made my skin tingle temporarily. I also bought a cream that you apply to your skin. It instantly makes your skin feel cold but interesting only for a minute. After experimenting with these different things that is supposed to help you feel cooler, I finally just got rid of my sheets, blanket and pillows and just decided to sleep with a thin t-shirt and cool, loose underwear. I also have a glass of ice water next to my bed, which helps a bit. Anyway, it's only going to get hotter so we'll see how it goes.

My face is mostly back to normal from the bout of bell's palsy. I still have tightness in my face and for some reason it makes me feel sick sometimes but I can live with it. I take anti-anxiety meds which is supposed to help me with all of that and it seems to work a bit. The only thing I worry about sometimes is that I will become dependent on the meds. My doc says that I have nothing to worry about since they are very low dosage. I'll just take his word for it because honestly, I don't think I could deal with the facial pain without something.

This year I've been working on balancing my life. The past few years I've never worked harder in my life and I thought that was a good thing. Apparently that was one of the causes of my stress which could have contributed to my facial paralysis. I've also met some new people along the way this year. Most of these meetings seem to end after a few dates but that's just how it is. However a couple of these people have actually helped me keep my life balanced and focused. Maybe because they don't know me as well as my friends, they can be honest with me. Or perhaps they just see me in a different light. Needless to say, it is refreshing to get a different perspective of myself. I've learned that I have a tendency to feel responsible for the welfare of the people I love and this adds a tremendous amount of stress to myself. For some reason I didn't see that. I realize now that it is not my responsibility to take care of them and that what I do for them is enough. I also have to think of myself and take care of myself. I know this in theory, but I'm not so good at it. So this is what I must work on for the remainder of the year. The funny thing is that I probably would never have realized this unless I decided to go out and meet new people.

My partner has been really stressed due to his pay cut. It used to bother me because I think we are still very lucky. We have a comfortable apartment and a car. We have new computers, ipads, iphones, clothes and our health. Gosh, I can go on and on. But he seems to be in mourning. There are others who have lost homes and families during the tsunami and earthquake. I feel damn lucky to be alive and I wish he would see that. I guess that's another thing that adds to my stress. So I decided the best thing to do is to be happy for the both of us. While he's sulking and thinking dark thoughts, I'm going to enjoy life to the fullest. Maybe my happiness will rub off on him.

Summer is here and I'm ready to enjoy it!

Random thoughts

So it's been a little over two months since the earthquake-tsunami disaster here in Japan. At least here in Tokyo, things are pretty much back to normal. One thing that has changed though, is how conscious we have become of our energy resources. The train stations are not running their escalators and only the minimum amount of lighting is used. Trains are running on a decreased schedule and lighting from store shelves to billboards are either turned off or kept to a minimum. Half the street lamps are off so nighttime is darker here in Tokyo. After awhile we are used to it and perhaps we have been using too much electricity. Do we really need all the flash and neon lights everywhere? Perhaps that's what makes Tokyo the exciting city we are known for. At least for now, we are in conservation mode.

My partner had to take a 30% decrease in pay with will be taking home no bonuses for the forseeable future. He is depressed about it and he is being super-consious about spending money. In fact he is being so tight with money that it is rather starting to depress me as well. He still makes more than the average medium income earner here and he owns a car and home. Still he is worried and stressed with his work situation that he cannot see how fortunate we are. I have friends that are in worse situations. There are those that have lost much much more. Yet he can only see how bad his own situation is.

I wish he could see things in a different light. I wish he had the strength to see past his own problems and see them for what they really are. They are just temporary and it's not the end of the world for him. I will continue to stand by him and say things to comfort him. I will be there if he needs me to help. Hell if he loses his job I will be there to support him. You know what really bugs me though? The fact that he's thinking of getting an iPAD while he's complaining about me buying those spring rolls yesterday for a measly 600 yen!!! Geeeesh!

Anyway, just found a picture of me and my friends in Singapore. Good times!!!

today is a new day

So it's been over a week since that earthquake. A few days ago, I've decided to stop feeling so sad and glum about that whole thing, no matter how hard it is to do that. I started to do yoga again to clear my head and I concentrated on work and cleaning my apartment.

My partner has been working hard with the electricity and nuclear plants, so he's been home twice since the earthquake. He came home last night so we decided to go to a tonkatsu restaurant in our neighborhood. This was good for the both of us. It feels as if things will start to get normal again.

Today most of the news are things people are doing to help. Amidst all the rubble and loss of electricity, there are still small miracles happening. Births. An 80 year old lady being rescued from under a refrigerator in her destroyed home after 8 days. Her 16 year old son that was feeding her yogurt and other food he could find to help her survive. Food finally arriving at the shelters. Hospitals with electricity again. An old lady eating a rice ball and saying that she feels lucky and happy to be eating it, even though it's just one rice ball a day. Yes, you can see that Japan will survive this disaster. It will take time, but we will survive.

Today is a new day and I'm going to go donate more money now.

Earthquake

Two days  ago, I experienced the most frightening experience in my life. A 9.0 earthquake hit Japan on a massive scale and caused tsunamis that resulted in massive destruction to entire cities in the country.

I was on my computer working when suddenly the room started to gently sway. Although we have many earthquakes in Tokyo that we can feel, this somehow felt different. Just as a precautionary measure, I grabbed my dog and went under the dining room table for protection thinking this was just another earthquake. Thinking this way for about 3 more seconds, it started to sway harder. I got a bit scared but just thought that it was bigger than usual, but it should stop soon. The second I thought that, it started to violently shake and vibrate with incredible intensity. I could not stand up at that point and I that things started to fall all around me. Tables and chairs in my room started to shift and it just would not stop. At this point I thought that this is it...the big one...and I will die in this earthquake. After a few minutes, it stopped with only the building swaying from right to left like a yo-yo. Yes it actually felt like my building was going to topple over. My mind started going into survival mode and I grabbed my backpack and put a bottle of water inside along with my wallet and key. I threw on whatever lay around me and left my apartment. At this time, the building was still moving a bit and elevators were not working. I walked down the stairs with dog in hand and probably was in some sort of panic because I could hear myself breathing hard. Once downstairs, some other residents were there and we all tried to figure out what we needed to do. Was it safer outside or inside?

I decided I would go to the nearest evacuation shelter, which is a school near my apartment. On the way, the earth kept swaying and shaking with aftershocks and I would stop everytime this happened. I looked around me and saw all the dangerous things that could come falling down on me. As I looked down the street, I saw a crowd of people standing around the electronics store. They were watching television that was playing in the store window. That is when we first started to see the disaster unfolding. Newscasters were in panic mode as well as everyone else. Tsunami warnings were released almost immediately. Warnings of aftershocks were announced and told to protect ourselves from harm. People around were wondering if they should go back home or go to shelters. Phones were instantly jammed and I could not get a hold of anyone. I decided if I was going to go back home, it was now before another tremor. It was very cold outside and I was starting to shiver. I had to get something warmer to wear.

I slowly went back to my apartment and found my place an absolute mess. However I just wanted to make sure that my dog and I could survive for a few days so I put some extra clothes in my backpack and put on some warmer clothes including some gloves. I went out again and sat on a bench at the park with my dog. I realized after an hour that I was getting cold. I saw my next door neighbor walking by and she said that it should be safe inside our aparment so I decided to take her advice.

Inside my apartment, stories of the tsunamis and aftershocks continued on every single channel. My partner finally got in touch with me at around 7pm and told me that everything should be fine inside the apartment but he won't be able to come home because the trains were not running. The entire transportation network came to a halt in Tokyo and the streets were bumper to bumper with cars. Stores were running out of food and long lines out of every convenience store that was opened. The first night was spent not being able to sleep because of the non-stop earthquake warnings to my cell phone.

Morning came and my boyfriend came home with the first train to change clothes. He had to leave right away as he works for the electric company. Things were not good. I asked him when he would be home and he said that he probably wouldn't be able to until things are better. I stayed in my apartment all day and watched the news to see things getting worse. I was having panic attacks. I got in touch with friends who were on skype or facebook. I felt a little better and decided that I need to sleep if I was to have enough energy in case things do get worse. My partner was working his ass off. People were dying. I wanted to be strong for all those that were in more difficult situations. So I took slept and tried to ignore the earthquake warning signals beeping from my phone. I figured I will wake up if it starts to shake violently again. I slept better.

Sunday morning was day 3 since the earthquake. Woke up to news that after careful investigation, we should expect strong aftershocks of 7 for the next 3 days. In fact there is a 70% chance of a level 7 aftershock happening so we must be prepared. We also had news that after one of the nuclear reactors exploded yesterday, the others are also now inoperable. Early evening, news of very low energy reserves come in. We have to preserve as much energy as possible. Later, we are told starting tomorrow, we will have staggered blackouts starting tomorrow from 6am to 10pm. The Electric Company says that they are very low on energy and if we don't take these measures, we will have a countrywide blackout. This is inconvenient but necessary. Aftershocks are less now. However the news says that strong aftershocks will most likely happen.

I called my mother in Hawaii and she refuses to watch the news on television because she is scared. I'm glad my mother was not here while this happened. She would definitely have panicked.

It's so hard to believe that this is actually happening. I knew a big earthquake was bound to happen here in Tokyo. Never did I think I would experience it in my lifetime.

Brand New Year

So we have entered the year 2011 and I'm just starting to look back at what 2010 was all about for me. 2010 was definitely a year with a lot of ups and downs and it wasn't easy to keep things in perspective. I think 2011 was a year where I lost focus on what's important for me due to me being so damn busy all the time. I worked my butt off with my virtual business and it definitely has paid off. I also was kept with a whole bunch of ailments including my panic attacks, strange and constant headaches as well as my Bell's Palsy coming back to taunt me. I went to Singapore to meet up with some virtual friends and they've become very real friends to me. I've also gone through some minor depression but I never let it beat me in the end. So many ups and downs but I guess that's life.

In the end though, I think I needed the final blow of Bell's Palsy to help me slow down and put things back into perspective. In 2010, I forgot to be thankful for the small things in life. I didn't appreciate the fact that I was alive and able to take walks with my dog. I was too busy to take notice of the things and I took them for granted. The Bell's Palsy forced me to slow down and refocus.

In December, I was at first depressed. During this month, not only did my bells palsy not improve much, but my cousin's dog died, my good friend's cat died and I heard that one of my friend's father was killed. Another good friend of mine is very ill and another ended a very long relationship. I felt better around Christmas week, then started to feel happier as the year came to an end. I cleaned my apartment from top to bottom and threw away all unneccessary items. I started to chew my food more slowly savoring each mouthful. I took the time to take daily walks with my dog or to take a bike ride to the bookstore. I called my mother just to talk. I called my friend to listen to him cry about his breakup. I watched Harper's Island back to back and finished watching all episodes in one sitting! December was a good way to end the year.

Today, I did my laundry and had a good lunch. I also heard that my PR manager's nephew got into a terrible car accident. i had no words for her except sorry and I felt for her. She has been with me for almost three years and I cried as she told me about this tragery. However even as I was taking all this sadness in, I felt lucky that I could share in her sadness. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to be sad with her because she has become my dear friend.

So looking back at the year, 2010 was challenging at least for me. It was also filled with surprises and little spots of fun, excitement and happiness. I am looking at this year as a new opportunity to start with a new attitude. This year I promise myself to work on myself. To become a better human being and to treat each day of my life as my last. I am excited about this year and what's to come. I will savor each day 100%.  I give thanks for everyone that's touched me in one way or another. I give thanks to life itself. Thank you.

Year 2011, here I come!!!