Am I going crazy?

I remember it was around 12 years ago that I started keeping an online diary of my feelings. At that time, it mostly consisted of posts about my thoughts and feelings, emotions and things I dare not say to people in real. I still do that I guess, but compared to then, I think I have less issues to deal with. This morning I woke up with a similiar feeling reminiscent of that time 12 years ago..this is not a good feeling. It's scary and I almost tremble in fear. In fact, I just woke up and I can't shake this feeling away. I felt that I needed to jot down these feeling in my online diary so that I know there was a day that I felt this way. It is just such a bad feeling and I wish I had a shrink now. What's wrong with me?

Firstly, I had a bad dream. It was negative in every single way and played on my emotions in a bad way. I woke up shaken up and sort of bewildered. The thing is that when I woke up, it wasn't as if I felt bad because of the dream itself. This is what usually happens right. You feel bad because of the dream you had and you just want somebody to come and tell you it was all a bad dream. Well yeah, I did want someone to tell me that. However the weird thing is that I woke up feeling sad and scared. I woke up with the realization that perhaps I've been unhappy this whole time. I just felt very unhappy but in a very real way. Not just unhappy for a reason. I...felt...unhappy. I felt feaful. I felt...sad.

Feeling this way lying in bed for 20 minutes was not a good thing to do. In fact, I had to get myself up before I really got depressed or something. I actually felt like crying. I felt as though I had no one to talk to. I didn't know what to do. I...just...did...not...know.

There are times like this where I feel as though I'm going to go crazy. It's unreasonble and illogical to me because I can't seem to find a reason for this. I feel as though I'm unhappy with my relationship with my partner, but I'm not even sure if this is just in my head. Would you know that you were happy if you were in a relationship? Or would you have to just keep working on it and feel as though you have to sacrifice your soul to it? You see, I don't know what I'm actually saying anymore....I'm just jotting down my feelings as they come. Well, at least it seems as though I'm feeling just a bit better writing this all down. I still need to keep writing though.

I feel as if something in my life has to change. I also feel unsatisfied with my partner. My sister is always telling me that she has huge arguments with her boyfriend. In fact, she constantly vents and sounds like she could break up with him any moment. This has been going on for awhile now. As for me, my relationship is more stable from an outsider's perspective. We never argue and we never yell at each other. However something seems not right. We have no ups and downs. It's mostly just a straight line seemingly going nowhere. It's like a heart beat that's beating dull and slow to eternity. You see? It's like what the fuck right?
Just writing things like, "what the fuck" makes me ask myself, "what the fuck"! What am I, a teenager? However seriously, who cares about language. Who says that you can't say the word fuck when rappers can say it. So there, I've said it and I'm saying it again. Fuck! I feel like saying that. Perhaps I need to yell at someone. Here we go....maybe a solution? I wonder if my friend Michael would come on skype today...

Looking at things that could be problems or need changing, this is what I come up with. My relationship, my working at home alone and not meeting people for weeks at a time, my trying to be positive all the time, the medication I take for my panic attacks, my panic attacks...all these things definitely need to be looked into. What do you think? Am I going crazy or what? Or is this just one of those days?

i've decided that I need to meet somebody today for tea. I need to head down to Shinjuku instead of working all day. I cannot have a repeat of yesterday and the day before yesterday. I basically wake up at 7am and start working all the way until 9pm. I take a small break to take my dog for his walk, but that's it. I work until I'm feeling sick sometimes. This cannot be good right?

I have a deadline and I can't seem to catch up with all the work I'm bogged down with. I should look at this positively because there are many people who don't have work. I am fortunate you see. So what the hell is wrong with me dammit!

Ok, I think this is enough. I need to get my day started. I will leave for Shinjuku to get some fresh air. I need to recharge my battery. I need to clear my head. I need to fix myself.

My Designing Life

I recently had an interview on tweet.tv on my fashion brand called Shiki Design. We had rehearsals early
in the morning and after sound checks and making sure the models were all set, the interview started. It
was filmed in front of a live audience and it went fine despite the fact that I didn't know what to expect. Angie
Mornington, the hostess of the show, asked me some basic questions and some difficult ones as well.Naturally I stumbled on my words and got tongue-tied a couple of times but hey, that's life right. hehehe.

Of course, all this is in a virtual world but this world is very real for a lot of people today. I can't believe
my designs have come so far. I never thought I would be doing something like this as a virtual career. I don't know what you would actually call it because yes, I do design in my real time and yes, it is in a virtual world and catered for virtual people with real life people behind each avatar. Yes, they buy my clothes and yes they spend real money on them if they like them enough. I do get confused sometimes about all this virtual reality stuff, but I guess virtual things are a fact of life these days right.

So here is the interview on tweet.tv with me, Shinichi Mathy of Shiki Designs as the guest of the show.

Shinichi Mathy of Shiki Design

This month, I'm participating in the Relay for Life( charity for Cancer Research) in the virtual world. However all proceeds go directly to the American Cancer Society. I basically create 4 different outfits for the cause and help get people to participate in it. It's exciting and I am happy to be able to do something like this.

March is also the launch of my new collection so I need to get to work now! I am soooo behind!!!

Dreams & More Dreams

Last night I went to be around 10:30pm and decided to read my new novel. It ended up being kind of boring so I put it down after 20 minutes or so and started playing around with my iphone. I ended up falling asleep
around 1am. Now I usually never wake up unless 8 hours has passed. However this morning I found myself awake at 6am. This is the dream I had that woke me up.

I was in my apartment with my mother and sister. I was arguing with my mother about something. I think she was apologizing profusely for something and I was telling her to just forget about it. I don't even know what all the fuss was about. My sister walked into the room and started to try and patch things up. The phone rang and I needed to answer. It was the guy from the translation company who I translate for. He needed to clear something up that I sent him. I tried to explain to him what it all meant and for some reason, he did not understand and so we ended up really frustrated. All this time, my sister and mother are yelling at each other and my mother is about to leave. I want to try and stop her, but my boss needs my attention. My mother takes that as a sign that I don't care.

I wake up. It's 6am. I'm a bit bother by this but I force myself to go back to sleep because it's only been 5 hours since I slept.

I start to dream again.

My partner and I are in a public restroom. We are both waiting to go to use the stalls and they are full. He seems to have a stomachache and needs to go badly. A cute guy walks in and my partner notices him. He gives the next open stall to the who just walked in. I am irritated at this as I want to go already. The next stall opens up but he decides to wait for some reason. I ask him why and he's trying to think of an excuse to wait for the guy to come out of the stall. You know, the one he sort of likes.

I wake up. It's now 7am. I'm bother more. Why can't I stay asleep in peace?

I try and sleep again.

The same dream continues in the toilet with my partner waiting. Still waiting at the sink staring at his face for specks of dirt that are not there.

I wake up....again. 20 minutes have passed. I am so frustrated. I decide to put on some soothing music to calm my nerves. I fall asleep.

I start to dream....again.
This guy is rimming me. It feels good. Another guy appears and he does the same. It feels good.

I wake up.....moaning in pleasure. Ok, this is better but still....I'm moaning in bed all alone. I go back to sleep.

The dream continues. The above repeats itself with various men and continues to intercourse.

I wake up. It's 9am. I am moaning and my body is contorted into an unusual shape.

I finally decide to wake up and feel exhausted after all the activity I had in my sleep.

I wonder how my day will turn out?