Gloomy morning

I woke up this morning feeling a bit blue. I had a dream right before my eyes opened. It was a dream of me breaking off the relationship with my real-life partner. It's strange because I sort of have been having these dreams...all different but same theme...for the past week. In the dream, I'm always the one that initiates the break-up. So I wake up and feel rather blue. However I do notice the feelings inside of me this morning. My partner always wakes up before me even on weekends and he's usually on his PC. I am never in a hurry to go and be with him in the living room. I usually roll around in bed wondering what I should say or how I should act. Even at nights, I hardly ever look forward to seeing him these days. I'm hating myself for all this and to tell you the truth, I really don't know where these feelings are coming from. Most likely resentment...perhaps something else...I don't know. What I know is that we do need to start communicating because if things keep going the way they are, I am bound to go and find myself cheating on him...again. I'm not sure I want to go through that again, but these feelings of being uncomfortable around my partner doesn't help my panic attacks these days...I've been having them on a daily basis. The strange thing though, is my attacks stop when I'm on holiday, away from him! Obviously, something is bothering me. I just need to find out what exactly it is that's bothering me so much and making me just a bit too unhappy because I know, he hates it when I bring up a subject like this when I don't even know what I'm trying to say. Man, it's a Saturday and I'm unhappy! Not so good.

My Bangkok trip was great. Sure, my face sort of hurt now and then on a daily basis, but that's to be expected from the after effects of my BP. Some days though, I swear, I didnt feel all that great, but at least my panic attacks decided to stay dormant, which is a rare blessing. As mentioned before, I went with my long-time friend Michael from Hawaii. He's gotten pretty big and it's obvious why. He stuffs himself silly and then goes to lie down to sleep. He doesnt exercise and he's gotten fatter as the years pass. I'm talking fat...not chubby nor big-boned....just unadultered and pure fat! He has high cholesterol, high blood pressure and is borderline diabetes. He takes medication for all of these ailments and seems to think he doesnt have to change his lifestyle habits. I am so worried about all of this. Everytime we go somewhere together, I worry that he might get a heart attack. We even had an argument at a food court after me nagging him about not eating so much. He just eats too much...like for 2-3 people! For lunch one day, he ordered a steak plate and two slices of pizza. Another time, he actually ordered the dinner set for 2 persons at KFC, which included 5 chicken, 3 barbeque wings, 2 salads, 2 orders of french fries and 2 cokes!!! At least he made them diet cokes but still...oh, did I tell you he drinks like crazy and his resting heart rate is the same as mine when I'm working out? So I am worried for his health and it gets frustrating. Oh another thing.....he has this problem with credit cards. He keeps getting more and gets deeper into debt. Yep. So many problems. And when I try to help him out, he gets really irritated and uses the same excuse. His excuse that he had a "lost" childhood, his life sucks, he has no love, blah blah blah. He never fails to mention that my life is easier and perfect which is far from the truth and when he says that, it just ticks me off. So at the food court, here I am practically yelling at him for saying that. My life was NOT easy and is never easy. Whatever I have, I worked hard and sometimes harder than anyone else for that matter. Nothing was about luck, it was through so much trial and error with the occasional bouts of wanting to just give up. It ticked me off and I couldn't control my temper at that remark. And all the self-pity....I swear I just wanted to slap his head and wake him up from his never-ending stupor! Well, just like close brothers, we made up in no time. I told him that the reason why I nag him is because I care. I'm scared for his health and I can't just sit there watching himself ruin his life. I told him I will never stop nagging him until he changes because that's what friends do. Anyway, this has been going on forever so we'll see if any changes come about.

Even with this bout of drama, Bangkok was fun. We have these occasional blasts of anger now and then and never seems to affect our relationship. Anyway, yep Bangkok was great! I never tire of the place it seems.

Ok, strange things happens right now. I had to make a brief stop because....my partner just came into the bedroom where I'm writing my post, and starts to blow me. Very strange...

Okay, post-cum, I feel a bit better. Now we're trying to decide what to do today. Michael is not waking up after coming home inebriated beyond hope at 5am this morning. Have to learn some stress control for myself and not worry too much about others. Bad bad habit of mine.

A week full of ups and downs

It's been a weird week for me. It all started last Thursday when about 8pm, I had a headache. The headached became worse and peaked in about 10 minutes...a pain I've never experienced before. I started to feel strange physically and finally I felt like I was having a heart attack or something, so had to call the ambulance. Went to the ambulance and couldn't stop shivering. My body was cold all over and it was hard to stay still. At the hospital, they did some simple tests and asked me questions. Nothing seemed to be wrong and they told me to come back if the headaches came back within the next three days and to take it easy. I wanted them to do a CT scan at least but they said no need.

I was still feeling weak and dizzy after being released so stayed in the waiting room for about 40 minutes then took a cab back home. The next day, I felt so weak I hardly could get anything done, but the doc told me to take it easy so that's what I did. The next morning though, I woke up feeling bad again and as soon as I got up, I started having a panic attack again even after I took my medication. I almost went to the hospital again, but decided to try and relax. It was hard, but it started to get better and I survived. However I was weak all over for the entire day again.

The weekend was spent just staying at home most of the time trying to get my energy back. Monday, my friend from Hawaii arrived. Tuesday, we went into town for lunch and I started to feel weak again around 5pm. Went home and went to bed at 8pm and stayed in bed until 10am.
Finally Wednesday today and I'm feeling a lot better. Went to get a haircut and had some lunch with my friend. Tomorrow I leave to Bangkok with my friend.

I hope everything is ok and nothing happens while I'm on holiday.

Last night's dream

I woke up this morning really bothered and although did not manage to get my 8 hours of sleep, forced myself to get up. I had this really weird dream and I can still remember it even though it's been more than 2 hours since I awoke.

Dream sequence one:
I board a bus leaving for the mountains in Hakone. For some reason, I have no pants on and just wearing a shirt. I'm embarrassed so I rush to get a seat, but everyone's looking at me and giving me scary stares. I try to cover myself up by stretching my shirt over my private areas. Finally we get to our final stop and everyone gets off the bus. The driver tells me to hurry up and I need to get out of the bus. I tell him to give me a few minutes to put on something.

Dream sequence two:
I arrive at the Hilton Las Vegas Hotel. I've never been there in real life and looking forward to my room. The hotel looks very old and after finding the elevators, for some reason, they dont work too well. It keeps skipping my floor. Finally it stops after a few up and downs. My room is absolutely rubbish. The lights dont work, there are leftovers from the previous customer, and now the ceiling is leaking. I call the front desk to ask for my room to be changed. She comes up and says ok. I ask her though, if this is normal and she says it is due to the hotel being really old. I have booked 2 nights but I immediately want to get out of this hotel. I start packing my suitcase, but for some reason, everything won't fit.

After these two dreams, I wake up bothered and can't get myself to sleep anymore.