Dear Blog...

It's 4 am on a Tuesday morning. My fever is gone but I have not been able to sleep for the last 24 hours. i've been up for that long. I decided to try and put my thought into words as I can't seem to understand what's going on inside my mind. Dear blog...I'm hoping that somehow things would be clearer after I finish writing. It seems like 10 years ago I was doing the same thing. Yeah, I guess that's why I started to keep a journal...self therapy I guess. i'm hoping this time around though, i'm mature enough to handle this one better.

I can't sleep even though I know I should. I should be tired but I have no where to sleep. I'm in my own apartment. My partner came back home last night and now I can't sleep a wink lying next to him. My friend is in the guest room. I feel odd sleeping in the living room with my dog and so started to make a little space with pillow and towel as a blanket in the computer room. Because there are no curtains in that room and it really is just a cubby hole of a room, I put an eyemask on, headphones for music and tried to sleep. As I did that, I wondered why I felt most comfortable there than I do next to my partner. the thing is that I've never felt completely at ease sleeping next to him in the bedroom. I always tend to fall asleep soundly after he leaves for work. Ok, stay on track my mind. I feel at ease in this small space alone. I'm thinking of why I feel so sad about this. I feel utter sadness yet don't know exactly why. Perhaps it's because he decided not to drive my friend to the airport because he came down with the flu? At the time he said it, made sense to me. Then after awhile I thought, wait a minute something feels wrong. I feel an ache in my chest. In fact, I should just go ahead and take him to the airport myself without my partner. I mean he's taken ill and if it were my mother or sister, I wouldn't just let them go without me because I may or may not get infected with the flu. In fact, I think that's kind of selfish or self-centered. I can't even find words for it. If I recall when I came down with flu a few days ago, my partner was worried that it would spoil our summer vacation due to my flu. I told him don't worry i'll get better. Now I'm thinking or is it just too much thinking that the vacation is more important than my health? I know that's not true but still, hasn't he said things like this in the past I mean....almost always the same way? Then my thought continued to go on to other things about our relationship that made me even sadder and I knew I was entering the darkest areas of my mind but I couldn't help myself even if I tried. I finally end up at the point where I feel like I need to have a serious discussion with my partner about our future. Sure it's been 10 years but is that a good reason  to stay with someone? I mean would I want to stay with him if it were just a couple of years? I come up with more questions for myself and it seems I can't answer any of them at all. Nothing. I come up with "I don't knows" only. I wonder if I should talk to my friends about this but what would it help? Would they even understand or would they think me just plain stupid? My mind is diving deeper into a place I usually try and avoid. In fact, I think that one of the main reasons why this relationship has lasted so long is because I tend to avoid discussing important issues because I know I'll hear something disappointing. It's hard to imagine my future with him. Isn't is supposed to be the other way around?

Mr Blog, before coming to you for some comfort of the virtual kind, I was standing holding a pillow in pajamas in the hallway with the door to my partner on my right and a door to my friend's room on the left. I wanted to talk to my sleeping friend but didn't want to disturb his sleep. I went into my partners and wanted to wake up and talk but decided that was utter insanity. So I just stood in the small and narrow hallway with my crumpled pillow feeling just lost. My legs would not move because I didn't know which way I was supposed to go. I always had to laugh at myself at how I must look because it sure was pathetic as hell. So the only sane option was to write to you Bloggie. Remember years back I used to call you Diary. Because of technological advances, you are temporarily called Mr Blog if you don't mind. I just hope I will be able to sleep after this. The sun's going to come up soon and I got stuff to do goddammit. If I don't get myself to sleep I swear I'm just going to buy myself some sleepings pills to put me to sleep after I get back from the airport. The only thing I fear is how I will feel when I wake up to have to face reality. Would I be feeling the same as how I feel now?

what's wrong with my anyway and what exactly has got me started feeling so sad today? Do I want to know really? Am I strong enough to face what's real? Am I living a lie? Or is this what life's supposed to be? What? I don't have a fucking clue!