Roller Coaster Emotions

I'm not really sure what's wrong with me but I feel like I'm riding on a roller coaster-an emotional roller coaster and it's not stopping any time soon. I know what it's all about and deep inside, I know what I must do. I just don't know if it's the right thing to do.

Back in December, I went back to Hawaii to visit my family and although I was really excited at the prospect of seeing them again, I've never felt so much stress. My mother was the same and to tell you the truth, she hasn't changed onebit except for the fact that she looked healthier and more energetic than before. Perhaps she thrives on the arguments she gets into with my sister but whatever it is, it's doing her good. But it was my sister that stressed me out more than ever. I know that she's probably going through menopause so I have to try and be understanding, but I've never seen her more bitter, more condescending and insensitive to other people's feelings than I'd ever seen her. But like I said, she's going through a lot and she is after all, my sister so I'm going to cut her some slack. The thing about meeting them though and the things they said made me do a lot of thinking.

Now I know that I shouldn't let what others say affect me but when it comes from your family members, it tends to affect me just a little bit more. I cherish their opinions and maybe just a little too much. They had their opinions of what I should be doing with my life, who I should be dating and the list goes on and on. And yes I know this is the norm with every family out there. However I have to say that they put me through hell this time around. I'm going to be honest and I'm not going to lie to myself that they can sometimes make me feel worse than anybody else on earth.

Once I got back to my home in Tokyo, I did feel better. I had some time alone and I felt a sense of peace. This feeling of peace lasted pretty much the entire month of January. But today of all days, I feel a sense of unease. I feel as if I am in limbo and this has to do with the relationship I am in. My relationship has never been the best but I'm not the type to expect things from others. I accept. However this time, I am sensing a change in myself. Perhaps it's the lack of communication that's non-existent in my relationship. Or the fact that my feelings towards my partner is evolving towards a less good place. I really don't know yet because I haven't had time to process these feelings. All I know is that something's not quite right and it hasn't been for the longest time.

Now, one thing that my mother and sister says to me all the time is this, and truthfully this bugs me more than anything else. They feel that I should be thankful that somebody out there loves me. They make it sound as if I must hang on to this relationship no matter what the circumstances because I won't be able to do better. In other words, beggars can't be choosers. They remind me to "fear" the alternative rather than to encourage me to trust myself, love myself and respect myself the way I deserve to be. But then again, I won't expect anything from them because it is what it is.

I know I'm rambling all over the place today, but I needed to vent. I know I'll be fine. I just have to remind myself today what I promised myself years ago. To love myself and respect myself above all else. Because as Rupaul says in her shows, "If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you going to love someone else?

My 48th birthday with close friends

My closest friends got together and had a birthday party for me a week after my actual birthday. It was held at a restaurant serving Australian food. The birthday started off with glasses of champagne. 

Appetizers were yummy. I can't remember what I actually ate though. Too many glasses of champagne before food arrives is never a good idea. 

Warm salad with winter vegetables. 

Spaghetti with beef ragout, The Australian part being that it's made with Aussie beef. 

My big and beautiful gift box.

My very cute birthday cake. Notice the name-Shinchan! 

My closest friends 

And my birthday gifts!

Thank you all for a wonderful birthday this year. It was simply the best birthday week ever. 

Red Velvet Cupcakes with Cream Cheese Frosting

Yesterday I made this beautiful batch of red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting. I've always had a thing about cupcakes and since I'm always craving them, I decided that the smart thing to do was to master making them myself. Since this was also a squidoo quest, they had to be perfect in looks as well as taste. I think I've finally mastered making the perfect red velvet cupcakes. Please check out my recipe on the link below.

Red Velvet Cupcake with Cream Cheese Frosting Recipe

Birthday Dinner with Satoshi

My partner took me to dinner at a new restaurant I've never been to. The Palace Hotel is a fairly new hotel with a history. Not going to get into that but I'll say that this restaurant is one of the best I've been to. Great food, great ambience and fabulous service. I had a bow tie on but I was too hot when I got there. I was sweating like a pig and decided to take it off.  The dinner was fantastic and we were stuffed. For dessert, a staff of 4 waiters, along with my partner sang happy birthday to me. I couldn't be any happier.

Seafood salad

Fish course with a rich and creamy burnt sauce. Sounds weird but totally yum!

Risotto with gorgonzola. 

Hokkaido crab terrine

Beef steak with winter root vegetables in yuzu sauce

Paella course

Molten center chocolate cake

Green tea tiramisu with caramel ice cream

My 48th Birthday with Vinn

 Thanks Vinn for making my birthday so special. The lunch at Roy's was wonderful followed by a luxurious high tea at Chinzanso which included the most wonderful tidbits and finger foods. It was the most perfect day! If only everyday was my birthday. Thank you so much!

One day before my birthday

My partner had made reservations at a restaurant for my birthday but I was down with the flu so it was postponed for a week later. Instead, he got me this lovely cake from Pierre Herme, which was honestly one of the best tasting cakes I've ever had. It was also incredibly pretty to look at. I am truly blessed. 

One week before my 48th birthday

I recently celebrated my 48th birthday. One week prior, my friends and I met up at Kaoru's restaurant, a Nepalese restaurant that he owns. He surprised me with a birthday cake, which was totally unexpected. The cake was pretty awesome. It consisted of a chocolate tart base followed by cream puffs, a few pieces of cheesecake and topped off with french macarons! Pretty awesome cake if you ask me.

I was glad to see some friends I haven't seen in a year. Michiko looked and seemed happier than ever. 

I got a bit of everything from the awesome cake itself. 

My friend Chouette got me this jar of preserved cherries from France. Yum! Thanks guys and thank you Kaoru for surprising me with a cake.