Shinichi's World

Another cold day

2011-12-06T12:25:00.000+09:00

The temperature seems to drop a degree as each day goes by. I try to stay upbeat and positive about the winter by thinking of everything that's the holiday season....the sweets, food and twinkling lights in the city. Still I admit I dread the winter. I just don't do well in the freezing cold. I find myself looking for deals on flights to Singapore, Hawaii and even Guam. If Korea were warm during the winters, I would be there more often that's for sure. The fuel surcharge is only 2500 yen one way and tickets can be had for a very low price.

Last night I had the weirdest dreams again. Part one was about my mother. We were at a little stall in my neighborhood where my mother was interested in a little jade ring. She told me to grab the little wooden contraption next to her so I did. I had no idea what it was but anyway, she started to push me away so we could hurry home. I had no idea what all the rush was about but when we got home, she told me that she forgot to pay for the ring! I demanded that we go back to return the ring and that wooden contraption I had brought back with me. As I went to get the key, my mom had already left on her own so I hurried after her to the stall. As I came closer to the stall I could see my mother sitting on a chair with a sad and uncomfortable look on her face. As I approached, the lady at the stall started to yell at me for stealing the wooden contraption as they needed that for business. She was also very upset about the jade ring that my mother forgot to pay for. I profusely apologized for the mistake and told her I had no idea what the wooden contraption was for. My mother started to blame me for taking it without permission so I spat back at her saying that she practically forced me to take it. At that moment my mother started making this wimpering sound and she started to talk gibberish. I immediately felt guilty for making my mother sad. At that moment I woke up from my dream realizing that it was my dog that was wimpering to let out of the room.

After letting my dog out, I went back to sleep because it was too early and too cold to pull myself out of the warm bed. Dream part two starts. My friend and I check into a luxury hotel in someplace that looked like Los Angeles. All I remember was that it was warm and there were palm trees outside. The first room we get is just terrible and I immediately go down to the front dest to complain. I tell them that we need the room changed and that I was a regular guest there so I deserve a better room. They tell us to wait in the lobby while they try to remedy the problem. A few seconds later they come back apologizing and to let us know that they have prepared a suite for us. I have no idea why we are upgraded to a suite but I am way too excited to be staying in a suite! My friend and I decide to go to a bar for a drink. The waiter comes up to us and says that we are invited to a special dinner tomorrow night. He tells me that I am invited because the dinner is exclusively for lawyers. He also tells me that I was upgraded to the suite because they didn't realize was a lawyer. Should I just admit I'm not a lawyer and forfeit my suite? Or should I just go with the flow and pretend I am a lawyer at the dinner? I imagine myself trying to act all professional and coming up with lawyer topics like in those Bridget Jones movies. At that moment I wake up once again.

So I had two strange dreams back to back. I'm feeling kind of strange and blue in bed with my dog. I look at my dog lying next to me and feel so much love for him. I then start to wonder about my relationship to my partner again. I don't know what triggered this feeling. Was it the dream that I just had that's messing with my head? Or is it something else? Why am I feeling this way?

Summer is finally here!

2011-07-13T10:31:00.000+09:00

It's been a fairly short rainy season this year here in Tokyo and that's totally fine by me. Grey skies and constant raining does not make me happy. The Tokyo summer is pretty brutal by any standards. The other day, it was 35 degrees where I live. What makes is worse is that we have an energy shortage this year and we are expected to cut electricity usage by at least 30%. So went out and bought a fan and disconnected my air conditioning in every room. At first it took some getting used to and I had a hell of a time trying to sleep at night. I bought a "cooling" pillow, which only made me hotter. I also found something that you spray onto sheets or clothes to make you cooler. It just made my skin tingle temporarily. I also bought a cream that you apply to your skin. It instantly makes your skin feel cold but interesting only for a minute. After experimenting with these different things that is supposed to help you feel cooler, I finally just got rid of my sheets, blanket and pillows and just decided to sleep with a thin t-shirt and cool, loose underwear. I also have a glass of ice water next to my bed, which helps a bit. Anyway, it's only going to get hotter so we'll see how it goes.

My face is mostly back to normal from the bout of bell's palsy. I still have tightness in my face and for some reason it makes me feel sick sometimes but I can live with it. I take anti-anxiety meds which is supposed to help me with all of that and it seems to work a bit. The only thing I worry about sometimes is that I will become dependent on the meds. My doc says that I have nothing to worry about since they are very low dosage. I'll just take his word for it because honestly, I don't think I could deal with the facial pain without something.

This year I've been working on balancing my life. The past few years I've never worked harder in my life and I thought that was a good thing. Apparently that was one of the causes of my stress which could have contributed to my facial paralysis. I've also met some new people along the way this year. Most of these meetings seem to end after a few dates but that's just how it is. However a couple of these people have actually helped me keep my life balanced and focused. Maybe because they don't know me as well as my friends, they can be honest with me. Or perhaps they just see me in a different light. Needless to say, it is refreshing to get a different perspective of myself. I've learned that I have a tendency to feel responsible for the welfare of the people I love and this adds a tremendous amount of stress to myself. For some reason I didn't see that. I realize now that it is not my responsibility to take care of them and that what I do for them is enough. I also have to think of myself and take care of myself. I know this in theory, but I'm not so good at it. So this is what I must work on for the remainder of the year. The funny thing is that I probably would never have realized this unless I decided to go out and meet new people.

My partner has been really stressed due to his pay cut. It used to bother me because I think we are still very lucky. We have a comfortable apartment and a car. We have new computers, ipads, iphones, clothes and our health. Gosh, I can go on and on. But he seems to be in mourning. There are others who have lost homes and families during the tsunami and earthquake. I feel damn lucky to be alive and I wish he would see that. I guess that's another thing that adds to my stress. So I decided the best thing to do is to be happy for the both of us. While he's sulking and thinking dark thoughts, I'm going to enjoy life to the fullest. Maybe my happiness will rub off on him.

Summer is here and I'm ready to enjoy it!

Random thoughts

2011-05-16T13:21:00.000+09:00

So it's been a little over two months since the earthquake-tsunami disaster here in Japan. At least here in Tokyo, things are pretty much back to normal. One thing that has changed though, is how conscious we have become of our energy resources. The train stations are not running their escalators and only the minimum amount of lighting is used. Trains are running on a decreased schedule and lighting from store shelves to billboards are either turned off or kept to a minimum. Half the street lamps are off so nighttime is darker here in Tokyo. After awhile we are used to it and perhaps we have been using too much electricity. Do we really need all the flash and neon lights everywhere? Perhaps that's what makes Tokyo the exciting city we are known for. At least for now, we are in conservation mode.

My partner had to take a 30% decrease in pay with will be taking home no bonuses for the forseeable future. He is depressed about it and he is being super-consious about spending money. In fact he is being so tight with money that it is rather starting to depress me as well. He still makes more than the average medium income earner here and he owns a car and home. Still he is worried and stressed with his work situation that he cannot see how fortunate we are. I have friends that are in worse situations. There are those that have lost much much more. Yet he can only see how bad his own situation is.

I wish he could see things in a different light. I wish he had the strength to see past his own problems and see them for what they really are. They are just temporary and it's not the end of the world for him. I will continue to stand by him and say things to comfort him. I will be there if he needs me to help. Hell if he loses his job I will be there to support him. You know what really bugs me though? The fact that he's thinking of getting an iPAD while he's complaining about me buying those spring rolls yesterday for a measly 600 yen!!! Geeeesh!

Anyway, just found a picture of me and my friends in Singapore. Good times!!!

today is a new day

2011-03-21T09:52:00.000+09:00

So it's been over a week since that earthquake. A few days ago, I've decided to stop feeling so sad and glum about that whole thing, no matter how hard it is to do that. I started to do yoga again to clear my head and I concentrated on work and cleaning my apartment.

My partner has been working hard with the electricity and nuclear plants, so he's been home twice since the earthquake. He came home last night so we decided to go to a tonkatsu restaurant in our neighborhood. This was good for the both of us. It feels as if things will start to get normal again.

Today most of the news are things people are doing to help. Amidst all the rubble and loss of electricity, there are still small miracles happening. Births. An 80 year old lady being rescued from under a refrigerator in her destroyed home after 8 days. Her 16 year old son that was feeding her yogurt and other food he could find to help her survive. Food finally arriving at the shelters. Hospitals with electricity again. An old lady eating a rice ball and saying that she feels lucky and happy to be eating it, even though it's just one rice ball a day. Yes, you can see that Japan will survive this disaster. It will take time, but we will survive.

Today is a new day and I'm going to go donate more money now.

Earthquake

2011-03-14T00:04:00.000+09:00

Two days ago, I experienced the most frightening experience in my life. A 9.0 earthquake hit Japan on a massive scale and caused tsunamis that resulted in massive destruction to entire cities in the country.

I was on my computer working when suddenly the room started to gently sway. Although we have many earthquakes in Tokyo that we can feel, this somehow felt different. Just as a precautionary measure, I grabbed my dog and went under the dining room table for protection thinking this was just another earthquake. Thinking this way for about 3 more seconds, it started to sway harder. I got a bit scared but just thought that it was bigger than usual, but it should stop soon. The second I thought that, it started to violently shake and vibrate with incredible intensity. I could not stand up at that point and I that things started to fall all around me. Tables and chairs in my room started to shift and it just would not stop. At this point I thought that this is it...the big one...and I will die in this earthquake. After a few minutes, it stopped with only the building swaying from right to left like a yo-yo. Yes it actually felt like my building was going to topple over. My mind started going into survival mode and I grabbed my backpack and put a bottle of water inside along with my wallet and key. I threw on whatever lay around me and left my apartment. At this time, the building was still moving a bit and elevators were not working. I walked down the stairs with dog in hand and probably was in some sort of panic because I could hear myself breathing hard. Once downstairs, some other residents were there and we all tried to figure out what we needed to do. Was it safer outside or inside?

I decided I would go to the nearest evacuation shelter, which is a school near my apartment. On the way, the earth kept swaying and shaking with aftershocks and I would stop everytime this happened. I looked around me and saw all the dangerous things that could come falling down on me. As I looked down the street, I saw a crowd of people standing around the electronics store. They were watching television that was playing in the store window. That is when we first started to see the disaster unfolding. Newscasters were in panic mode as well as everyone else. Tsunami warnings were released almost immediately. Warnings of aftershocks were announced and told to protect ourselves from harm. People around were wondering if they should go back home or go to shelters. Phones were instantly jammed and I could not get a hold of anyone. I decided if I was going to go back home, it was now before another tremor. It was very cold outside and I was starting to shiver. I had to get something warmer to wear.

I slowly went back to my apartment and found my place an absolute mess. However I just wanted to make sure that my dog and I could survive for a few days so I put some extra clothes in my backpack and put on some warmer clothes including some gloves. I went out again and sat on a bench at the park with my dog. I realized after an hour that I was getting cold. I saw my next door neighbor walking by and she said that it should be safe inside our aparment so I decided to take her advice.

Inside my apartment, stories of the tsunamis and aftershocks continued on every single channel. My partner finally got in touch with me at around 7pm and told me that everything should be fine inside the apartment but he won't be able to come home because the trains were not running. The entire transportation network came to a halt in Tokyo and the streets were bumper to bumper with cars. Stores were running out of food and long lines out of every convenience store that was opened. The first night was spent not being able to sleep because of the non-stop earthquake warnings to my cell phone.

Morning came and my boyfriend came home with the first train to change clothes. He had to leave right away as he works for the electric company. Things were not good. I asked him when he would be home and he said that he probably wouldn't be able to until things are better. I stayed in my apartment all day and watched the news to see things getting worse. I was having panic attacks. I got in touch with friends who were on skype or facebook. I felt a little better and decided that I need to sleep if I was to have enough energy in case things do get worse. My partner was working his ass off. People were dying. I wanted to be strong for all those that were in more difficult situations. So I took slept and tried to ignore the earthquake warning signals beeping from my phone. I figured I will wake up if it starts to shake violently again. I slept better.

Sunday morning was day 3 since the earthquake. Woke up to news that after careful investigation, we should expect strong aftershocks of 7 for the next 3 days. In fact there is a 70% chance of a level 7 aftershock happening so we must be prepared. We also had news that after one of the nuclear reactors exploded yesterday, the others are also now inoperable. Early evening, news of very low energy reserves come in. We have to preserve as much energy as possible. Later, we are told starting tomorrow, we will have staggered blackouts starting tomorrow from 6am to 10pm. The Electric Company says that they are very low on energy and if we don't take these measures, we will have a countrywide blackout. This is inconvenient but necessary. Aftershocks are less now. However the news says that strong aftershocks will most likely happen.

I called my mother in Hawaii and she refuses to watch the news on television because she is scared. I'm glad my mother was not here while this happened. She would definitely have panicked.

It's so hard to believe that this is actually happening. I knew a big earthquake was bound to happen here in Tokyo. Never did I think I would experience it in my lifetime.

Brand New Year

2011-01-04T14:40:00.000+09:00

So we have entered the year 2011 and I'm just starting to look back at what 2010 was all about for me. 2010 was definitely a year with a lot of ups and downs and it wasn't easy to keep things in perspective. I think 2011 was a year where I lost focus on what's important for me due to me being so damn busy all the time. I worked my butt off with my virtual business and it definitely has paid off. I also was kept with a whole bunch of ailments including my panic attacks, strange and constant headaches as well as my Bell's Palsy coming back to taunt me. I went to Singapore to meet up with some virtual friends and they've become very real friends to me. I've also gone through some minor depression but I never let it beat me in the end. So many ups and downs but I guess that's life.

In the end though, I think I needed the final blow of Bell's Palsy to help me slow down and put things back into perspective. In 2010, I forgot to be thankful for the small things in life. I didn't appreciate the fact that I was alive and able to take walks with my dog. I was too busy to take notice of the things and I took them for granted. The Bell's Palsy forced me to slow down and refocus.

In December, I was at first depressed. During this month, not only did my bells palsy not improve much, but my cousin's dog died, my good friend's cat died and I heard that one of my friend's father was killed. Another good friend of mine is very ill and another ended a very long relationship. I felt better around Christmas week, then started to feel happier as the year came to an end. I cleaned my apartment from top to bottom and threw away all unneccessary items. I started to chew my food more slowly savoring each mouthful. I took the time to take daily walks with my dog or to take a bike ride to the bookstore. I called my mother just to talk. I called my friend to listen to him cry about his breakup. I watched Harper's Island back to back and finished watching all episodes in one sitting! December was a good way to end the year.

Today, I did my laundry and had a good lunch. I also heard that my PR manager's nephew got into a terrible car accident. i had no words for her except sorry and I felt for her. She has been with me for almost three years and I cried as she told me about this tragery. However even as I was taking all this sadness in, I felt lucky that I could share in her sadness. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to be sad with her because she has become my dear friend.

So looking back at the year, 2010 was challenging at least for me. It was also filled with surprises and little spots of fun, excitement and happiness. I am looking at this year as a new opportunity to start with a new attitude. This year I promise myself to work on myself. To become a better human being and to treat each day of my life as my last. I am excited about this year and what's to come. I will savor each day 100%. I give thanks for everyone that's touched me in one way or another. I give thanks to life itself. Thank you.

Year 2011, here I come!!!

Sex and more sex

2010-12-01T15:49:00.000+09:00

I keep having these dreams on a daily basis and it's all about sex. I dream of having sex with random people I don't know and I sometimes wake up moaning in pleasure. It's all really great and I actually look forward to them but seriously, I'm wondering if other people dream about having sex on a regular basis.

At the moment, we have construction going on during the weekdays and they seem to be working on my floor all the time. Today I woke up moaning again and to my embarrassment, there was a construction worker on my balcony outside my bedroom window. The curtain was half open and it was obvious he had heard me moaning because as our eyes met, he looked away quickly trying to hide his embarrasement.

Anyway, a lesson to me that I should make sure the curtains are fully closed before I fall asleep at night.

My interview for SLTV Japan

2010-11-24T03:04:00.000+09:00

Why am I up awake at 3 am today? Well I just finished my live interview with SLTV. SLTV is a live show streamed on the internet in real time. They are a tv studio in the virtual world of Second Life and they've just started a brand new show called Fashion Runway. Anyway, I was invited to the show and although I was nervous to the point where my hand went all cold and clammy, I made it and I did not hyperventilate! lol

Anyway, it was pretty cool. I sound stupid but still, it was cool! ;)

What a week

2010-11-18T08:23:00.000+09:00

Last weekend I went to a party at a Nepalese restaurant. This is a party that I attend 4 times a year. Just a small gathering of friends that get together now and then. It was fun and just comfortable like going to someone's home. However a little thing happened about 20 minutes before I left. When I was pouring wine for my friends and tried to smile, I felt a strong pull on the left side of my face.

Well, come Monday, I knew my bell's palsy was back albeit in a weaker form. Tuesday I went to visit the doctor and it was official. It bummed me out for sure and cancelled a lot plans on my calendar. I was meant to meet a couple of people this week and had plans for a party end of the month. I also promised to attend a Christmas party on December 11. Those are all off my list unless a miracle happens. But I already know how slow the healing process is from my last bout of BP. At least I don't seem to have complete paralysis and it's only 70-80% paralysis. I can sort of move my mouth but can't smile. My eyelid doesn't close completely when I try to blink so it gets really dry and I tear all day. But at least I look normal if I don't say anything and I try to look butch. My face is not dropping or anything and that is the only thing that's keeping me from getting depressed.

I guess some positive things have come out of this bout of BP. I had insomnia since summer and it now seems cured. The BP makes me tired and sleepy due to the nerves trying to heal. So now I can't seem to stay awake at night even if I tried, resulting in me waking up at 6 am. So that's good for me. I like the morning air and although it's getting cold, I like the peace and quiet during that special time of the day. I also seem to get more work done, although I know I shouldn't be working so much. I just have a lot of work to catch up with and seriously, I'm not going to stop working because of this stupid BP.

Today it's no longer raining like yesterday. I'm looking forward to enjoying my day. I am determined to get my translation work done today so I can start designing my new collection. I'm not letting this ruin my life again. Damn if I let that happen!

2010-10-01T03:02:00.000+09:00

So this week I've been kind of taking it easy and trying to find balance in my life again. I've had a rediculously busy schedule during the summer and now I feel I have time to take a breather. For a week after my busy months, I had really bad insomnia and could not get myself to sleep at night. No matter how tired I was, I felt like there was an electrical current running through my body all day. Even when I was in bed, my brain refused to shut down. It was really frustrating and I decided to go and buy myself some serious herbal tea to calm my nerves. The cheap stuff just wasn't doing it and I splurged on some pricey herbal remedies. They were just herb tea, but the kind where they actually measure these organic dried herbs for you and sell it to you by weight. Well, for approximately 30 servings of tea, it came out to around 5000 yen so it ain't cheap. However the tea somehow seems to be working and after a cup or two, I start to feel relaxed and calm. In fact, I can't drink it during work hours because I feel like I'll fall asleep. Anyway, glad I got the tea.

Approximately half my life, I've been my own boss...either as a business owner or a freelance something or other. It's unstable and insecure but at the same time, nothing in the world today is 100% secure these days. I also thrive on challenge and no matter what the outcome, I prefer to take full responsibility of my work. It's just the way I've always been.

One aspect that you have to deal with when running your own business is dealing with other people. It could be a business partner, a customer or a fellow business owner,...hell it could be anybody. One thing I found over and over again in my experience is that the people you work with can make your day or ruin your day. Today was one of those days where my day was ruined. Ok, ruin is not exactly the word I'd use because honestly speaking, I've had experiences like this and it was just another one. It's just that this was a person who I had very big respect for. I know that a lot of people don't like him but I always stood up for him and besides I know he's a bit nuts. However he truly disappointed me today with something he said. You know what though? It's only a big deal if I believe it is. Halfway through writing on my blog, I already start to feel calmer. Hmm...could this mean that I'm handling stress better? I believe so. It's almost weird how little this is affecting me. The relationship with him will change and it means changes to my work but I will deal with it and that's the way it is.

Ok, I just needed to vent. thanks. :)

The next morning...

2010-08-17T15:21:00.000+09:00

I woke up at around 10am. I'm actually feeling better and I think I just had some kind of semi-breakdown. Whatever, I don't know what came over me. I'm fine now Mr Blog. Much better.

Dear Blog...

2010-08-17T04:29:00.000+09:00

It's 4 am on a Tuesday morning. My fever is gone but I have not been able to sleep for the last 24 hours. i've been up for that long. I decided to try and put my thought into words as I can't seem to understand what's going on inside my mind. Dear blog...I'm hoping that somehow things would be clearer after I finish writing. It seems like 10 years ago I was doing the same thing. Yeah, I guess that's why I started to keep a journal...self therapy I guess. i'm hoping this time around though, i'm mature enough to handle this one better.

I can't sleep even though I know I should. I should be tired but I have no where to sleep. I'm in my own apartment. My partner came back home last night and now I can't sleep a wink lying next to him. My friend is in the guest room. I feel odd sleeping in the living room with my dog and so started to make a little space with pillow and towel as a blanket in the computer room. Because there are no curtains in that room and it really is just a cubby hole of a room, I put an eyemask on, headphones for music and tried to sleep. As I did that, I wondered why I felt most comfortable there than I do next to my partner. the thing is that I've never felt completely at ease sleeping next to him in the bedroom. I always tend to fall asleep soundly after he leaves for work. Ok, stay on track my mind. I feel at ease in this small space alone. I'm thinking of why I feel so sad about this. I feel utter sadness yet don't know exactly why. Perhaps it's because he decided not to drive my friend to the airport because he came down with the flu? At the time he said it, made sense to me. Then after awhile I thought, wait a minute something feels wrong. I feel an ache in my chest. In fact, I should just go ahead and take him to the airport myself without my partner. I mean he's taken ill and if it were my mother or sister, I wouldn't just let them go without me because I may or may not get infected with the flu. In fact, I think that's kind of selfish or self-centered. I can't even find words for it. If I recall when I came down with flu a few days ago, my partner was worried that it would spoil our summer vacation due to my flu. I told him don't worry i'll get better. Now I'm thinking or is it just too much thinking that the vacation is more important than my health? I know that's not true but still, hasn't he said things like this in the past I mean....almost always the same way? Then my thought continued to go on to other things about our relationship that made me even sadder and I knew I was entering the darkest areas of my mind but I couldn't help myself even if I tried. I finally end up at the point where I feel like I need to have a serious discussion with my partner about our future. Sure it's been 10 years but is that a good reason to stay with someone? I mean would I want to stay with him if it were just a couple of years? I come up with more questions for myself and it seems I can't answer any of them at all. Nothing. I come up with "I don't knows" only. I wonder if I should talk to my friends about this but what would it help? Would they even understand or would they think me just plain stupid? My mind is diving deeper into a place I usually try and avoid. In fact, I think that one of the main reasons why this relationship has lasted so long is because I tend to avoid discussing important issues because I know I'll hear something disappointing. It's hard to imagine my future with him. Isn't is supposed to be the other way around?

Mr Blog, before coming to you for some comfort of the virtual kind, I was standing holding a pillow in pajamas in the hallway with the door to my partner on my right and a door to my friend's room on the left. I wanted to talk to my sleeping friend but didn't want to disturb his sleep. I went into my partners and wanted to wake up and talk but decided that was utter insanity. So I just stood in the small and narrow hallway with my crumpled pillow feeling just lost. My legs would not move because I didn't know which way I was supposed to go. I always had to laugh at myself at how I must look because it sure was pathetic as hell. So the only sane option was to write to you Bloggie. Remember years back I used to call you Diary. Because of technological advances, you are temporarily called Mr Blog if you don't mind. I just hope I will be able to sleep after this. The sun's going to come up soon and I got stuff to do goddammit. If I don't get myself to sleep I swear I'm just going to buy myself some sleepings pills to put me to sleep after I get back from the airport. The only thing I fear is how I will feel when I wake up to have to face reality. Would I be feeling the same as how I feel now?

what's wrong with my anyway and what exactly has got me started feeling so sad today? Do I want to know really? Am I strong enough to face what's real? Am I living a lie? Or is this what life's supposed to be? What? I don't have a fucking clue!

Wow bad case of influenza

2010-08-16T02:06:00.000+09:00

I just got back from Singapore 4 days ago and I'm just recovering from influenza. Once again, I overestimated my body's strength and I must remind myself that I'm just not as young as I used to be. During my final days in Singapore, I literally felt drained of energy whatsoever. I started to rely on cans of Red Bull to keep me going as it usually did the trick. So although I had the most wonderful time in my at-the-moment favorite Asian city, I immediately feel ill when I arrived in Tokyo. Last night my fever went up to 39.9 and when it refused to go down for more than 24 hours, I finally gave in and went to the hospital at 1am. I was glad I did because I got my meds that got my fever under control.

Anyway, back to Singapore. It really was a fantastic trip. There is so much to like about that city. Yes there are many reasons why I would have a difficult time living there. The year-long hot weather, the size of the country, the cargo ships that never seem to leave, and the fact that gays have to fight to properly live in their country. Having said that, the gays that do decide to live there are strong and more alive than many of their counterparts in Asia, which makes them extremely attractive in my eyes. They always have an opinion and conversations are never stagnant. I have more to say about all that but I want to write more about the other stuff about Singapore other than the gay people. lol. I do think it's a miracle how such a small and young country could change into this dynamic and metropolitan city in such a short time. It's really amazing to me. Other reasons to live Singapore is the food. Some of the food you can't get anywhere else and that's reason enough to want to go for any serious foodie. Now on a personal note, I have made some really special friends there and that is the number one reason of why I enjoy my trips there. They make it so special for me and I don't know if I would ever be able to return the favor. I will do my best that's for sure. I just don't know if I would be able to. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am so ever grateful to you guys.

Now strange things happen to me when I'm on vacations. Perhaps it's an aura I carry around or maybe it's the water I dont know. The last time I was there, the male housekeeper wanted to have sex with me. This time someone at Universal Studios Singapore wanted to take me into the toilet and have sex with me!!! A total stranger mind you! All I could do was laugh because it was just too hilarious! This would never happen to me in Tokyo, never! hahaha. Anyway, he was cute and I sort of let him kiss me and even that is something I never did at a theme park with a stranger! ;)

It's hot

2010-06-21T13:55:00.000+09:00

Rainy season has arrived in Tokyo but it's hot and sunny here today in Tokyo. It's nice because I can't stand this season when it tends to rain non-stop for days on end. Today, I take a small break from work and everything else to just do nothing!ahhhhhh.

My mother went back to Hawaii on last Friday and it's been 3 days since she's left. As always it was sad to see her leave and the drive to the airport was very quiet with no one hardly speaking a word. I could tell my mother was trying her best to keep it together. That was a good thing because it helped me keep the tears from flowing out.

So she's been here for exactly one month. She looked really good and better than I thought. She gained approximately 10 pounds while she arrived. I made sure to feed her all her favorite foods. She mostly spent her days cleaning and doing the laundry. She also seemed to enjoy taking care of my plants. We did things on the weekend with my partner, but it seems she really just enjoys walking around the neighborhood.

The one thing that did worry me was the fact that she mostly eats just carbs. At the same time, she would complain about her deteriorating health, although she's perfectly fine. I think she's actually younger than she thinks she is or feels. It's pretty obvious. She walks really slow, but I notice she can also run and walk up long flights of stairs with almost no problem. She also eats a lot at buffets and she eats everything! She only eats carbs at home. It's so confusing.

Anyway, it has been a treat having her here. She let me work and although she does add unneccessary stress to my life and a strict adherence to her rules and schedule, it was still nice to have her around. I hope that next year she will be well enough to take her traveling to somewhere nice in Japan by plane. That would be really nice. I think she would really enjoy Kyushu. Either that or Hokkaido again. She made it back to Hawaii and was upgraded to business class. She was ecstatic about that and raved about the food. So happy for her.

My fashion show finished yesterday. The sim did crash once due to too many people attending, which is always a good thing but still, I hate crashes. After major shows like these, I always need a day of break like today. I'm looking forward to renting a couple of DVDs and just laying on the sofa all day today. :)

My Singapore trip

2010-05-12T13:10:00.000+09:00

I finally made it down to Singapore this May. Singapore is quite far from Tokyo considering it's about 7 and a half hour by plane. I was also feeling really terrible the week before so I didn't feel quite sure I'd be able to make it. However it turned out to be the best decision I've made this year.

I made sure I had myself booked into nice hotels. I had bookings for the Conrad, the Hilton on Orchard and finally the Sentosa Resort on the resort island. All the hotels were wonderful especially the Conrad. Service at the hilton and Sentosa was flawless, except for this Japanese staff at the front desk at Sentosa. He hardly smiled and looked us in the eyes. Very strange. He must have been new or something.

I'll see if I can remember what I did in the Lion City.

Day 1:
I arrived very late around 2:30am in Singapore due to Delta being really delayed. My friend Patrick was waiting for me at the airport and I felt so bad to have made him wait so long on a weeknight. Anyway he promptly picked me up and drove me over to the Conrad. He also gave me a cell phone to use while in Singapore and an EZ Link card to use on public transport. He's so nice I swear and he is becoming a very special friend in my life. I arrived at the Conrad and my hotel was very roomy and comfortable. There we fresh fruits and chocolates on the table along with a teddy bear. There was another bear on the bed and two rubber duckies in the bathtub. During my stay they always furnished me with more water than I needed. I took a nice hot bath and went to bed.

Day 2:
I wake up quite early and feel a bit sleepy. But I get myself out of bed and head downstairs to get a bite to eat. I have some yogurt and croissant. I also had a few pieces of papaya but that's it. It's a buffet but i must watch my weight.

I decide to walk around the area. There are malls everyone around the hotel. It's located in the Marina Area and everything is connected by malls or underground corridors to help cope with the heat. I walk through these malls and they are mazes. I get lost and start to get hungry. I end up going to starbucks and getting myself a sandwich( it was very mediocre) and an iced coffee. As I drink my coffee, I'm wondering how I'm going to get out of the huge mall? I decide to just wing it. So after the lunch at starbucks, I wander around some more and see some signs saying MARINA. That sounds promising so I go out of the automatic doors leading outside. The heat surprises me with its intensity. It feels kind of good though after the air con and Tokyo's wet and cold winter. I walk around and see the Singapore flyer on my left. I can also see the Esplanade and decide to walk that way. As I walk, I also see the Merlion so I decide to walk over there. As I'm walking over the bridge going to the Merlion, I start to get so hot and sweaty i decide I have to pace myself as not to dehydrate myself like the last time. It's a nice a hot walk. I make it to the Merlion. As always lots of tourists taking pictures. So much has changed since the last time I was there. I see the huge Sands Casino in front of me. I also see new buildings that look futuristic in the back. This is awesome! It's time to head back to the hotel. I go through a beautiful and hot park and go through another mall. I buy a pair of eye bag fixing gel packs at the pharmacy. I go to my hotel room to take a shower and change. Today I meet up with Patrick and his friend Ricky.

Patrick picks me up at the hotel and we first go to Marina Barrage. This is a very modern dam that will help Singapore get their own water as well as to help prevent floods in the future. After that we go to this local place in the suburbs to eat some genuine local cuisine. Everything was delicious! We had some satays, hokkien mee and rojak, which were all delicious. I am overly excited because i've been wanting to try hokkien mee and rojak from the guidebooks! They do not disappoint. After dinner, we head to Katong to get a bowl of famous laksa and I swear, I never had such great laksa ever!!! This is the best and I never knew how good a good bowl of laksa could be! Thank you guys for taking me there! I also pick up some Peranakan sweets there. we head back to my hotel and I am happy and full from all that food. It was a nice start to my vacation.

Day 3
Another hot and sunny day awaits! Today I have an appointment with Dominic, my Second Life friend. It feels kind of weird to meet someone that you know from a virtual world but I look forward to it. Oh, the housekeeper is here. He wants to know if he can clean my room and I say ok. He's a super nice Indian guy. He starts chatting me up and he starts asking me the strangest questions. Some of the questions he asks.

Are you married?
Do you want to go to the sauna?
Do you want to meet after my shirt?

Well he either wants to scam money off me, wants me to treat him to dinner, or wants to have sex with me. Anyway this is the Conrad hotel so I'm a bit cautious and i leave it at that. he gives me more water than he's supposed to (6 bottles) but i'm happy with that. I offer some tip but he refuses.

Dominic picks me up at the hotel and we cab it to this restaurant in a horse-riding club in the jungle. It's quite out of the way, but this is the best part! I get to see places other than the tourist spots. The clubhouse is filled with guests for lunch and the menu consists of western food. I go for the crab pasta and eat most of the crab and just a bit of the pasta. It's really good but remember, I don't want to gain weight. I want to eat everything without gaining an ounce. However the manager comes over and suggets a piece of carrot cake and if you know me, i can never turn down dessert. we get it to take away and I eat some later. It wasn't that great though. hmmmm.

After lunch we go to the Asian Civilizations Museum. You can learn all about the different asian cultulres that have shapes singapore today. It's quite interesting and we took their tour, which lasted longer than it should. I thorougly enjoyed it though. Once we left the building, it started to pour outside! Luckily Dominic had an umbrella and we could go and get some shelter. We then took a taxi to a massage parlour as I was in need of a massage. It was a men-only place that he frequents but there is absolutey no sex invovlved. This was a ctually a good thing and one of the best massages i've ever had! I felt so good after that I was ready for anything! He took me back to the hotel and after a few bites of carrot cake, I got ready to go to dinner with Alan, another friend of mine.

Alan picked me up in his Mercedes(very cool car) and we went to the Majestic restaurant in the Majestic Hotel. Very cool designer/boutique hotel. The restaurant is nouvelle chinese and the food was fabulous! Unline any Chinese food I've had in Japan or the US that's for sure. Everything was subtle and sauces were never overwhelming. You could actually taste the freshness of the ingredients. We had crab claws, shark's fin cartilage soup, fish and more! Yummy. Alan was fun to talk to and also entertaining to be with. Really cool guy. After dinner we took the top off of his car and drove around on the highway to see the night lights of singapore! Cool ending to a fabulous day!

Day 4:
Had my usual breakfast of yogurt and fruits and a bit of bread. I go back to my room and again, my Indian housekeeper comes to do my room. I finally decide to ask him if he is gay. He says he is married and has kids and that they live in Malaysia. But now, he likes me. Interesting...Oh, he also gives me a kiss on the cheek. Isn't that nice? Isn't that unusual?

Today I decide to do chinatown on my own. I find my way to the nearest MRT station, which took me longer than it should have. I succeed on getting on the correct train and I alight at Chinatown! Ok, that was kind of cool and actually fun! first thing I do is pick up some curry puffs that are staring at me from this vendor. It was very tasty actually. i should have gotten one more. Next thing is the Chinatown heritage center, where i learn how the early Chinese immigrants used to live in singapore. It was a very moving exhibition and I will take my friend Michael here in August. You really do see Chinatown in a different light after you see this. I walk through all the roads that Dominic told me about. I also try to find club street however, i end up taking a wrong turn and I'm just walking and walking. I finally get lost a bit and I am sweating profusely in the heat and humidity. I finally find my way back and am in need of another massage. I jump into one I find and I get another fabulous massage! I think I fell asleep because it was just so good.

I go back to the hotel room to take a quick shower before heading to the MRT station again. I start to get a slight headache as happens when I get tired. When I meet up with Dominic, he can tell something is wrong. I tell him about my headache and he goes and buys me something from ORIGINS to help the headache. i swear he is just such a nice person. I kind of wish my boyfriend had some of his traits. Damn. This ORIGINS thing actually helps and I instantly feel better. We decide to go to a healthy Chinese restaurant, meaning this restaurant serves healthy foods using chinese herbs and lots of vegetables. This was one of my favorite restaurants of the entire trip. The decor was totally my style. New, modern and unique! The service was fantastic and the food was unique! I felt refreshed after the meal although we didn't have time for dessert. We had a play to catch! We went to see a play called Animal Farm and it was one of the most enjoyable plays I've seen in years! After the play, we went to Haji Lane, which is supposed to be like the Soho of New York. It's not really but it is very unique. People on the streets smoking water pipes and drinking. Very alternative scene. Very me in my 20s. We chose a place to relax and chat over some drinks. I got to know dominic better and I'm glad we've met. It is 1 am now and it was time to go back to rest.

Day 5:
I decide to skip breakfast and just have some fruits from my room. I also have coffe in my room so really, that's all I need in the morning. Next time, I think i'll opt for the wifi instead of the upgrade and free breakfast. Anyway, today I check out of this hotel and check into the Hilton on Orchard. This morning though, the Indian housekeeper comes in again to say hello. He actually looks sad that I'm leaving. He gives me his cell phone number but I have no intention of ever calling him. He gives me a little present. Another teddy bear with a Chinese hat one. It's supposed to be a special version that was given out to guests during Chinese new years. Very nice of him. He also gave me tons of water again. He said to take them with me so I put 6 bottles of water into my suitcase. hahaha. Well thank you Sam. Yeah his name is Sam. Today he decide to grab my crotch and kisses me on the lips. Oh my gosh, he's kind of hot!

I check out of the hotel and head over to Hilton where the really cute guy lets me check in early. Too bad he couldn't come into my room like the Indian guy. :) My room is clean but small compared to the Conrad. My view is very blah and bathroom is small. I miss the Conrad and my Indian housekeeper!

I meet up with Patrick and Dominic for lunch. We go to eat some sandwiches and carrot cake at this place called Toast. It's supposed to be run by a gay owner but you'd never know. After some walking around, we have tea at chatterbox. Patrick has to leave for a family thing so we say goodbye and Dominic and I head over to the Singapore bonatical gardens. It's really a beautiful garden and it's hard to believe that there is no entrance fee! Then it's finally time to meet up with my other virtual friend, Ego! Her real name is Dion, but we call her Ego, her virtual name. She's cute and has a vivacious personality. I like her on the spot! We go to eat dinner at GRAZE, this uber-hip restaurant serving Fusion Australian. The food was good! Strange though that no one drinks in singapore except the foreigners. it must be the expensive prices for drinks. Anyway, I needed a mohito. Damn, if this was in Tokyo, we would all be having 3-4 drinks by that time. Anyway, this is Singapore and people just don't drink like we do. During dinner, Ego and Dominic decides that we should go and pick my partner up from the airport tonight. He's arriving tonight to meet with me. Well, it turns out that he will also be arriving late due to a delay with Delta. He arrives at 2am or something like that and we're all pretty zombied out by then. We kill the time by eating kaya toast and taking pictures of each other. Reminds me of my teen years. Finally we pick Satoshi up and of course, he's totally surprised because we didn't tell him we would be picking him up there! We get back to the hotel and I say bye to my friends. I swear, everyone in Singapore is so nice.

Day 6:
We have breakfast at the hotel. I only had around 4 hours of sleep and I'm so tired. But as usual with Satoshi, he gets up early no matter how many hours he's had. We walk around Orchard and have lunch at the food court. I'm actually starting to get really tired and so we decide to just check out and go to Sentosa. We take the cab to Sentosa while listening to the driver chat non-stop about buddhism. It was annoying and I had to ask him to shut up halfway as it was just getting rediculous. We got to our Resort on Sentosa and it's very lovely, almost looks like a resort in Phuket. I decide to take a shower and take a 15 minutes nap. I cancel our dinner appointment with Patrick because I'm just too tired. Satoshi and I head down to VivoCity to eat some dinner. We have hotpot. It was steaming hot and my sauce was spicy hot! Really good food though.

Day 7:
Ok, I feel much better today after sleeping. Today we go to Universal Studios! Universal Studios singapore is unique in that it is very small. They also have attractions that are unique to their park. Since I've been to all the Universal Studios in the world, it was interesting to compare them to this one. They have the Jurassic Park ride but in a white-water rafting style. That was fun! They also have a double steel roller coaster which was closed during our visit. They also have Madagascar, which was also not open yet. We also got to ride the Revenge of the Mummy. It was good but not as good as I expected. I just can't put my finger on it, but something was missing. The ending to me was abrupt and the story just seemed to stop. It lost me. Fun way to spend the day though.

After the part, we stepped out to try our luck at the casino just across from the park! This was very cool! I only played around $50 but I ended up winning $120!!! Yay! Gonna buy myself some shoes now. After the parks and casino, we decide to go to the Marina Area today. Satoshi takes tons of pictures and we eat at Jing, a restaurant that overlooks the waters of the Marina and Sands Casino. I swear, the service was horrid and people around us were complaining. I, however tried my best to befriend the manager and after that, we got terrific service while the others still complained. All in all, it was a fabulous day!

Day 8
Before checking out, we walk down to the beach on Sentosa. It's a lovely, albeit hot and humid walk. As soon as you walk out of your room, 5 minutes later, you are sweating. We took one more shower before checking out and then checking back into the Hilton on Orchard. We decide to do a bit more shopping in Orchard and then took the MRT to Chinatown. I give satoshi a tour and I finally find Club Street!!! Well, this area has got to be one of my favorite spots in Singapore! The old shophouses lining the quaint street while the first floor of the old shophouses are taken over by cool boutiques and funky restaurants. Very very me. I could actually live here I think!

we meet up with Dominic, Patrick and Ricky for our last supper at a vegetarian Chinese restaurant. After dinner, Patrick took us up to Mount Faber and then a short drive around the Marina at night. we said our goodbyes and it was time to say goodnight.

Day 9
we get our wake up call at 3:15 am. Leave the hotel at 4:15. Arrive at airport 30 minutes later. check in. Wait. And then we board the plane.

That was basically a summary of my Singapore trip. I have to say I am so grateful and fortunate to have met such wonderful people. I am also happy to have seem my brother(not related of course) Patrick again. He is one of the sweetest person I know with the purest of hearts. His friend Ricky is now a friend of mine. Thank you Ricky for taking me to the laksa place and the yummy meat! Dominic is a real gentleman and one of the nicest persons I know. Thank you. Ego was the best lesbian friend ever! Too bad I did not have more time to get to know her. Next time! Thanks Alan for the lovely evening! ;) I even thank the Indian housekeeper, who wanted to make love to me at the Conrad Hotel.

Me in Singapore 2010 May

2010-05-12T11:55:00.000+09:00

Sentosa Resort

2010-05-12T11:52:00.002+09:00

Images of Singapore

2010-05-12T11:51:00.002+09:00

Food in Singapore

2010-05-12T11:42:00.000+09:00

Am I going crazy?

2010-03-17T09:25:00.000+09:00

I remember it was around 12 years ago that I started keeping an online diary of my feelings. At that time, it mostly consisted of posts about my thoughts and feelings, emotions and things I dare not say to people in real. I still do that I guess, but compared to then, I think I have less issues to deal with. This morning I woke up with a similiar feeling reminiscent of that time 12 years ago..this is not a good feeling. It's scary and I almost tremble in fear. In fact, I just woke up and I can't shake this feeling away. I felt that I needed to jot down these feeling in my online diary so that I know there was a day that I felt this way. It is just such a bad feeling and I wish I had a shrink now. What's wrong with me?

Firstly, I had a bad dream. It was negative in every single way and played on my emotions in a bad way. I woke up shaken up and sort of bewildered. The thing is that when I woke up, it wasn't as if I felt bad because of the dream itself. This is what usually happens right. You feel bad because of the dream you had and you just want somebody to come and tell you it was all a bad dream. Well yeah, I did want someone to tell me that. However the weird thing is that I woke up feeling sad and scared. I woke up with the realization that perhaps I've been unhappy this whole time. I just felt very unhappy but in a very real way. Not just unhappy for a reason. I...felt...unhappy. I felt feaful. I felt...sad.

Feeling this way lying in bed for 20 minutes was not a good thing to do. In fact, I had to get myself up before I really got depressed or something. I actually felt like crying. I felt as though I had no one to talk to. I didn't know what to do. I...just...did...not...know.

There are times like this where I feel as though I'm going to go crazy. It's unreasonble and illogical to me because I can't seem to find a reason for this. I feel as though I'm unhappy with my relationship with my partner, but I'm not even sure if this is just in my head. Would you know that you were happy if you were in a relationship? Or would you have to just keep working on it and feel as though you have to sacrifice your soul to it? You see, I don't know what I'm actually saying anymore....I'm just jotting down my feelings as they come. Well, at least it seems as though I'm feeling just a bit better writing this all down. I still need to keep writing though.

I feel as if something in my life has to change. I also feel unsatisfied with my partner. My sister is always telling me that she has huge arguments with her boyfriend. In fact, she constantly vents and sounds like she could break up with him any moment. This has been going on for awhile now. As for me, my relationship is more stable from an outsider's perspective. We never argue and we never yell at each other. However something seems not right. We have no ups and downs. It's mostly just a straight line seemingly going nowhere. It's like a heart beat that's beating dull and slow to eternity. You see? It's like what the fuck right?
Just writing things like, "what the fuck" makes me ask myself, "what the fuck"! What am I, a teenager? However seriously, who cares about language. Who says that you can't say the word fuck when rappers can say it. So there, I've said it and I'm saying it again. Fuck! I feel like saying that. Perhaps I need to yell at someone. Here we go....maybe a solution? I wonder if my friend Michael would come on skype today...

Looking at things that could be problems or need changing, this is what I come up with. My relationship, my working at home alone and not meeting people for weeks at a time, my trying to be positive all the time, the medication I take for my panic attacks, my panic attacks...all these things definitely need to be looked into. What do you think? Am I going crazy or what? Or is this just one of those days?

i've decided that I need to meet somebody today for tea. I need to head down to Shinjuku instead of working all day. I cannot have a repeat of yesterday and the day before yesterday. I basically wake up at 7am and start working all the way until 9pm. I take a small break to take my dog for his walk, but that's it. I work until I'm feeling sick sometimes. This cannot be good right?

I have a deadline and I can't seem to catch up with all the work I'm bogged down with. I should look at this positively because there are many people who don't have work. I am fortunate you see. So what the hell is wrong with me dammit!

Ok, I think this is enough. I need to get my day started. I will leave for Shinjuku to get some fresh air. I need to recharge my battery. I need to clear my head. I need to fix myself.

My Designing Life

2010-03-03T23:01:00.000+09:00

I recently had an interview on tweet.tv on my fashion brand called Shiki Design. We had rehearsals early
in the morning and after sound checks and making sure the models were all set, the interview started. It
was filmed in front of a live audience and it went fine despite the fact that I didn't know what to expect. Angie
Mornington, the hostess of the show, asked me some basic questions and some difficult ones as well.Naturally I stumbled on my words and got tongue-tied a couple of times but hey, that's life right. hehehe.

Of course, all this is in a virtual world but this world is very real for a lot of people today. I can't believe
my designs have come so far. I never thought I would be doing something like this as a virtual career. I don't know what you would actually call it because yes, I do design in my real time and yes, it is in a virtual world and catered for virtual people with real life people behind each avatar. Yes, they buy my clothes and yes they spend real money on them if they like them enough. I do get confused sometimes about all this virtual reality stuff, but I guess virtual things are a fact of life these days right.

So here is the interview on tweet.tv with me, Shinichi Mathy of Shiki Designs as the guest of the show.

Shinichi Mathy of Shiki Design

This month, I'm participating in the Relay for Life( charity for Cancer Research) in the virtual world. However all proceeds go directly to the American Cancer Society. I basically create 4 different outfits for the cause and help get people to participate in it. It's exciting and I am happy to be able to do something like this.

March is also the launch of my new collection so I need to get to work now! I am soooo behind!!!

Dreams & More Dreams

2010-03-01T10:31:00.000+09:00

Last night I went to be around 10:30pm and decided to read my new novel. It ended up being kind of boring so I put it down after 20 minutes or so and started playing around with my iphone. I ended up falling asleep
around 1am. Now I usually never wake up unless 8 hours has passed. However this morning I found myself awake at 6am. This is the dream I had that woke me up.

I was in my apartment with my mother and sister. I was arguing with my mother about something. I think she was apologizing profusely for something and I was telling her to just forget about it. I don't even know what all the fuss was about. My sister walked into the room and started to try and patch things up. The phone rang and I needed to answer. It was the guy from the translation company who I translate for. He needed to clear something up that I sent him. I tried to explain to him what it all meant and for some reason, he did not understand and so we ended up really frustrated. All this time, my sister and mother are yelling at each other and my mother is about to leave. I want to try and stop her, but my boss needs my attention. My mother takes that as a sign that I don't care.

I wake up. It's 6am. I'm a bit bother by this but I force myself to go back to sleep because it's only been 5 hours since I slept.

I start to dream again.

My partner and I are in a public restroom. We are both waiting to go to use the stalls and they are full. He seems to have a stomachache and needs to go badly. A cute guy walks in and my partner notices him. He gives the next open stall to the who just walked in. I am irritated at this as I want to go already. The next stall opens up but he decides to wait for some reason. I ask him why and he's trying to think of an excuse to wait for the guy to come out of the stall. You know, the one he sort of likes.

I wake up. It's now 7am. I'm bother more. Why can't I stay asleep in peace?

I try and sleep again.

The same dream continues in the toilet with my partner waiting. Still waiting at the sink staring at his face for specks of dirt that are not there.

I wake up....again. 20 minutes have passed. I am so frustrated. I decide to put on some soothing music to calm my nerves. I fall asleep.

I start to dream....again.
This guy is rimming me. It feels good. Another guy appears and he does the same. It feels good.

I wake up.....moaning in pleasure. Ok, this is better but still....I'm moaning in bed all alone. I go back to sleep.

The dream continues. The above repeats itself with various men and continues to intercourse.

I wake up. It's 9am. I am moaning and my body is contorted into an unusual shape.

I finally decide to wake up and feel exhausted after all the activity I had in my sleep.

I wonder how my day will turn out?

Another week is over

2010-02-21T20:07:00.000+09:00

It's Sunday night and my partner is cooking dinner for me. Sunday is his night to work in the kitchen to create something tasty for us to enjoy. I usually take my dog for his walk and then come home to work out or work on my computer while he's cooking. He is in the kitchen for a couple of hours as he likes to drink beer while slowly cutting, slicing, sauteing and stirring sauces while he contemplates life or something. At least that's what I think he does. Well, he basically takes forever, but he's enjoying himself and that's always a good thing.

You know, my partner and I have been together for 10 years now and that's the longest relationship I've been in. Amazingly, we still have sex once a week and it's usually on a Saturday. Sex is good and honestly, it's better now than it was 5 years ago and that's also a good thing.

My health seems to be improving since I stopped relying on the doctors to somehow cure me. I just realized that in the end, I'm the one that's responsible for my own health and that's that. Even when I feel bad, there are always two ways to look at it. One, I can just feel really bad and think to myself that this is really bad and terrible and why is God putting me through these irritating tests of endurance? Or two, I can think to myself that it's just some sort of healt "blip" and I trust my body to get through it and all I have to do is wait for a bit and all will be ok. Yeah, it sounds simple but it's bloody hard to do. However it works and I've been doing this for awhile and I notice that I feel more confident. My panic attacks are getting less frequent and I am not too afraid of getting on trains like I used to be. The latest event happened today going on a train. As soon as my partner told me it is the express train, for some reasons I started to panic. My hands got cold and clammy, my heart beating quick, and the inside of my brains started to become confused. That's the only way I can describe it. I persuaded him to wait for the local train and we ended up getting off after one station. I eventually succumbed to taking my medication(which I'm trying not to rely on too much), and after about 15 minutes, I felt better. We made it all the way and that was a good thing. Sounds really bad but really, I've had worse and more intence episodes so this was nothing really. It was just a "blip" in my daily radar and that is all. No big deal. I'm handling it the best I can and there is nothing I can do about it. I believe it's going to all go away one of these days and that's always a good thing.

For lunch, we had ramen again. Miso ramen that's famous in Hokkaido. Really good food I tell you. My partner has gotten me hooked on ramen noodles and every weekend, we go and try and new restaurant to eat those damn tasty noodles. That's a good thing too.

My dinner is ready now. Curry.! Always a good thing!

Just babbling

2010-02-07T01:06:00.000+09:00

Last week it snowed suddenly and I was pleasantly surprised. For the past two years, Tokyo has had no snow and I start to miss it after two years of absence. A couple of my friends and I went to see a movie and had dinner afterwards. It was not that cold when we went to see the movie. After the dinner however when we were about to leave the restaurtant, the waiter told us to take care as there was a blizzard outside. Of course I thought he was just kidding. However when we got out of the restaurant, there really was a blizzard and it was freezing!

We decided to go for just one drink. It was fun, but mostly we spent that 30 minutes looking through GRINDR on my iphone. We decided to go home before it started to snow harder because the train sometimes have to stop. On the way home though, it was so cold that I actually had to stop inside a 7 Eleven
to get myself warm. I was really cold and thought I would die or something. Yes, I hate cold weather and I despise freezing temperatures. My body was NOT made to withstand freezing temperatures and I believe that my blood would probably freeze up if I had to stay outside for more than 20 minutes.

It was nice though and the next morning, although it was a nice day, the snow remained on the rooftops of houses and on the street corners of the city. The temperature remained extremely cold. Now just to let you know almost a week has passed and it is still absolutely freezing here.

The weather forecast says that next week should bring just a tad more warmer temperatures. I really hope so as I am about to run off to Hawaii if this continues any longer.

Today I got to thinking about my life again. Just thinking back on how dramatic it has been. I used to think my life would be less dramatic and more "normal", whatever "normal" might be. I always felt as I was living two lives.I probably could fill two lives if I wanted to I guess. I never thought of my life that way until people started to tell me that my life was so dramatic. Sure it was.....I just never really thought much about it. I mean I did think about it. I was just too busy trying to get used to my life and all the drama that was happening.

I think about it now and it is true that I have less drama. This does not mean my life is boring.

My childhood had its ups and downs, but mostly downs and sometimes down to the pits of hell. The past doesn't really phase me anymore and I think I've dealt with my personal issues a long time ago. I remember a time when I really despised my father, could not wait to move away from my mother, questioned my parent's lives, and all my past ex-boyfriends that I thought were all assholes. I really don't remember much about my childhood. Some things I remember are just random things such as a butterfly I tried to catch with my bare hands, the taste of strawberry milk when I was 4 or 5, and trying to eat snow.

Anyway, why am I thinking about all this now? Well, it's probably because of the recent conversation I had with my sister when she was visiting last year. We talked a lot and because we live in different countries and far away from each other, we really had to catch up with each other. We ended up telling each other's dirty secrets and that opened up a big box of secret treasures to share with each other.

My sister was shocked at some of the things I've been through and visa versa. I realized that we both experienced a lot of pain during our childhood and we both think it's a miracle we are what we are today. It's quite amazing that we didn't turn out fucked up or something. My sister is still dealing with her personal issues regarding our mom and dad. I think we both have gotten better at dealing with those issues. I know I have as i no longer hold any resentment towards anyone. I have questions for sure. I wish I could come right out and ask my mother or my dad why they did certain things and what was going on in their heads then. Yes, I still do not understand and neither does my sister. My sister though, has decided to avoid the past and has kept her feelings behind closed doors. I guess I've done the same thing...I'm just not sure anymore because when I think about it and talk about it, I do start to get bad feelings. Does this mean that I have issues that I still need to confront? Or is this all normal...hmmmm.....I'm just not sure anymore.

Again, why am I thinking about all this at this point in my life? I don't know the answer to that either. I just thought about it today and felt the need to get this down on virtual paper I suppose. I sometimes wonder if I went to a psychiatrist like a lot of Americans do, that would help me a happier person. I don't know about that either because I did go to one a couple of times and I actually felt like I was wasting my time and my money. It was not as if she did anything or told me anything that actually helped. All she does is nod and look at me with understanding eyes and after about 25 minutes, she says, " I really think we should continue these sessions for awhile and would you like to make your next reservation?" I swear, I've never had such an unsatisfying feeling in my life. Even bad sex is better than this, I thought. Well, this was 2 years ago and seriously, I think I'm doing fine without her services thank you.

I used to have a website which I started 12 years ago. It was called Shinichi's World. How vain can I be right? It was started by myself as self therapy as I was going through some sort of mid-life crisis because I was extremely unhappy even though I had a partner that I loved. I used to write details about my past and other juicy details including sex life and whatever. I really used that website to its full extent for the benefit of my self therapy. The reason I stopped that website was because of the rediculous popularity it had become,
it had actually been introduced in a gay magazine twice! I was asked by an Australian researcher to be interviewed and also asked to be in a documentary about Japanese gays. People used to come up to me at the airport or in the meat section of the grocery store asking me if I was "Shinichi". After awhile, I started to become self-consious and I became scared to pick my nose in public in fear of it being seen by someone who "knew" me. Those people who would see me would report their findings on another website where people go to gossip. I hated that and although I only read it once because someone told me about it, the last straw was when a picture of my face was attached to a body that was sucking a cock. Yes, it looked quite natural and I had to think about it and wondered if it truly was me in that picture giving head to some guy. I looked quite happy doing it but believe me, I would remember something like that. hahaha

Some good things did come out of starting that website. I've made very good friends through some sort of connection through that website. I've released all my issues on that website and gradually became a happier person. I've also learned that it's actually kind of nice to have people knowing everything about you. I mean, but the time I meet someone, they know all about my life including how I like to have sex.

Now I have a blog. It's easier to manage and much easier to update. It's absolutely free! I'm sure there are many more benefits to blogging. I still do write about my secrets here and most of my friends and family know about it. My mother could not accept it at first, but it's something I feel I need to do. This blog is where I can totally be open. It's where I can be sad or angry, happy or horny...repentant or a bitch. Things that I would normally keep to myself or not meant for conversation at dinner.

I remember some stranger asked me whether I'm still agry or sad about something. I had absolutely no idea what the guy was talking about. The fact is that I write when I feel the need to write and this is when I'm usually feeling something. I'm sure everyone is temporarily upset about something during some point in their lives and the only difference is that I write all this here. So it sort of stays here forever and I guess if you read the post about "an upsetting day", you could imagine me being a very upset person. Nah, I'm actually a happy guy and don't let small stuff bother me. You can ask all my friends and they'll tell you I'm normally in a good mood. :)

I'm babbling again and once I do that, I can go on and on. I will decide to stop now because it's 1 AM. I've washed my face and brushed my teeth already...yep...all done. I'm ready to go to bed. When I wake up, my partner should be home from work. He's working overnight on a Saturday and he's coming home in the morning. Tomorrow's my birthday party with my friends. I've dieted all day today so I feel thinner. Now only if I didn't mess up my hair yesterday. I had it colored this horrible color! My hairstylist said he wasn't feeling well and got the colors wrong. Oh well. stuff happens right! I'm sure my friends would still love me with terrible hair. :)

Good night

2010-02-05T12:19:00.001+09:00

After dinner my friends and I left the restaurant to find it snowing. Coming home I was freezing!

2010-02-01T09:35:00.001+09:00

For my birthday my bf took me to osaka.he surprised me with a first class ticket. Yay!

2010-02-01T09:27:00.000+09:00

My birthday cake

2010-01-31T19:51:00.001+09:00

Me test

2010-01-31T19:50:00.001+09:00

Just came back from osaka.this is a test!!!

Happy birthday to me!

2010-01-28T20:08:00.000+09:00

Alright! I'm 44! Can you believe it? Nope, neither can I. Gosh, damn it feels like such an old number! I just cannot believe I am 44! 44 for God's sake! Phew! Ok, got that out of my system. I feel an inner calmness running through my veins at the moment. Breathe......

How does it really feel to be 44? To be totally honest with you, it's really no big deal.You see, i thought it would feel different. I imagined that when i turned 44, I would magically get more wrinkles and my skin would start to sag. Nope. I feel and look quite the same and it's a good feeling. For some reason, i like the way I look. I don't look as young as i used to mind you. I could do wit less bags under my eyes for sure. However I am happy with myself and that's that. Really and truly, I'm not trying to be positive thinking or anything like that. That's the funny thing. I always thought it would be harder for some reason. Nope, it's as easy as pie and i like pie! Ok, I'm getting hungry now. hehehe

My birthday was a quiet one with no fanfare whatsoever. I was working late into the evening and so I didnt have anything planned. My partner will take me to Osaka for the weekend for my birthday. He asked me what i wanted and I really couldn't think of any material things that I really wanted. What came to my mind was relaxation. So he booked a suite at a lovely hotel in Osaka. How I don't know why it has to be in Osaka, but it's all good. I really wanted to say at this resort in Hakone, but it was all booked. Osaka it shall be. My friends will have a party for me next weekend as I'm away this weekend. My friend Kan wants to take me out on Monday after I come back from my Osaka trip, so that's really nice. My partner surprised me with a lovely cake on my birthday.

Last but not least, the thing that really made my day special was all the people wishing me happy birthday through emails, facebook and fridae. LOL. Ok, I know that sounds really weird and juvenile, but it's true. Really made my day and I was happy. Without facebook you see, I would never be able to stay in touch with friends who live in other countries as well as family members. You can either love or hate technology. I myself have a love/hate relationship with it. However I love facebook and thankful for its existence.

Today I'm cooking fish and a simple salad of tempura and mizuna greens. Strange combo I know but it works you know. Really really. One day i was lazy and decided to make a salad of what I had in teh fridge. Leftover tempura(which I cup up with scissors Korean style) and mizuna greens. Put them into a big bowl, drizzled soy sauce, sesame oil and some vinegar. Tossed it and piled them on a plate. Simple and delicious!

I'm a bit delirious because i had a really long day. My eyes are all blurry and I need a glass of wine I think. That's what I'll do. I want to go on a holiday. I want to go to Singapore and Hong Kong and Paris! LA, San Francisco and New York too!

Alright, I'll just shut up and get that damn glass of wine.

A mixed bag of emotions

2010-01-22T12:26:00.000+09:00

Today is actually not too bad. At least the kinks in my neck seems to be getting better. Either that or I'm getting used to the pain. The pains in my neck and shoulders started sometime 3 days ago. I mean it feels like I slept in the wrong position with the big difference that it sort of happened suddenly in the middle of the afternoon. I can hardly turn my neck sideways and it's pretyt uncomfortable. It's been 3 days now and I seem to be getting used to it or something. I'm going to get myself to an acupuncturist today to see if that helps.

Ok, sure my neck pains is adding to my depressing mental state. However I really felt bad these past few months and it just doesnt seem to get better. Believe me I am trying really hard to stay upbeat and do things to try and get better. I do yoga, stretches, avoid the elevator to my 8th floor apartment, eat healthy and sleep 8 hours of sleep and envision my life in perfect health. So what am I NOT doing? In fact, I was so tired and depressed the other day of trying to feel healthy. I actually started to shake and feel like throwing up on the train coming home the other week. Believe me that really sucks.

I usually try not to complain too much about my health but seriously, I just felt the need to take it out on my blog. Do I feel better now? Not really, but at least I got it out of my system and it sort of feels like I talked to someone.

A bit ashamed to say this, but recently I have been hungering for affection. Strange because I do have a partner of 10 years, but the fact is that we hardly ever hug and he's very unaffectionate. The bad thing is that I hardly care these days. I do love him and care about him a great deal. However I think sometime last year, I gave up on trying. I decided it was easier to not really expect much from him. He's not a bad guy. He's just not what I expected in a partner I guess.

I really wanted to start this year right. It sure doesnt seem to be going that way. However if I were to think positively about all of this, maybe this will all make me stronger. Perhaps I'm supposed to be experiencing all of this in order to advance to the next phase in my life. Well, I really have no choice do I?

These days, I fantasize about a man taking him in his arms and just laying my head on his chest while he embraces me with love. I also dream about running around with no pain whatsoever. No, I have not given up hope yet for anything. I still do love life. I just wish it was a tad easier.

christmas 2009

2009-12-28T11:43:00.000+09:00

Once again, Christmas has come and gone in a blink of an eye. Sure it's just a day out of the year but it's always special to me. No, I'm not a Christian and it has no religious meaning to me. For most Japanese anyway, Christmas is just a day and everyone works so it really is no big deal in my part of the world.

This year as always, we reserved a special premium Christmas cake. This year we chose to go with Sadaharu Aoki, the famous patissier that went to France and came back famous! He still lives in Paris, but he now has a couple of shops here in Tokyo. His cakes are truly to die for and this year, his cake was just amazing! It's a cake made especially for the Christmas season. The cake is truly special as it isn't simple round or square. It's squarish but upon closer inspection, it looks as like a piece of objet d'art. It was well worth the expense and I especially enjoyed it. I think my partner perferred last year's cake from Pierre Herme. So anyway, choosing the cake is one of our traditions during the holidays and something I really look forward to.

Now, I have to say, my partner got me truly upset the weekend before Christmas. He's been quite busy lately with not only work, but drinking with his colleagues as well as friends. Sure it's ok and I don't mind but when it's 3 days a week every week, it gets a bit lonely. He even took a day off for golf! This is all during the holiday season. I always try to look at things positive and I told myself that all this will give me time to work on my designs so it's in fact, a good thing. No worries. Sunday arrived and we were plannning on going to Roppongi to see the Christmas Market from Germany. We planned to have lunch there. 11am came around and he started looking annoyed so I asked him what was wrong. He said that he was looking for a certain software and he was sure it was somewhere in the office. Ok, our office is tiny, but the thing is, we have tons of nick nacks and unless you are organized, it is almost impossible to find things. Still, it's tiny and not impossible. I ended up helping him look for this elusive software....he doesnt even know what it looks like (strange), but I just couldnt stand around watching looking for it in vain with utter irritation on his face. After a couple of hours well past lunchtime, he came hopping into the office with some news saying that the software was in his other laptop in the bedroom! Ok, I was happy with that. I dont know why but I actually said to him that I was sorry he had to go through that. He did NOT apologize for making me go through that. He just sort of breathed out sigh of irritation and fatigue and said to me that we should just leave before it gets dark. Well, of course I was starving to the point of weakness and felt extremely sad. It felt like I did something wrong and was being punished for it. All of a sudden I realized he didn't even have the courtesy to apologize for what he put me through. Sure, it's no big thing but hey, I was looking forward to a nice Sunday with him after being home alone most of the past 3 weeks. I finally felt drained and didn't even feel hungry anymore. I tried my positive incantations but nope, didnt work. Words just started to tumble out of my mouth. I'm so tired......yadadadada....I wished you just said sorry......i'm not hungry anymore....let's just go get your sweater you needed for that company thing......yadadadada......I was just mumbling to myself I think.

In the end, we went to the market and had some Chinese food for dinner. I was in a good mood by then and thanked him for taking me. But then I started to feel really weak and fell asleep early.

I woke up the next day with a terrible headache and for the next 3 days, I was in bed. Now, I dont know if this was due to my stress level being so high or what, but I actually felt depressed during these three days! I mean really, I hardly ever get like this. I was actually having a hard time thinking straight. All I could feel was emptiness and could not remember the meaning of my life. What a terrible feeling. It actually took effort to get me out of that slump. On the third day of my bedridden days, I forced myself to go rent a coupld of DVDs so I could make myself not think. It actually worked and I felt better when Friday came around.

Wednesday was my partner and I's Xmas dinner at home. I didnt have much appetite since I was still sick, but still I was happy. Just depressed and happy. Strange. Friday came around and I had dinner with friends at Nobu. Christmas dinner with my friends at Nobu was actually really great and we all decided that we should go have dinner at a uber fab overpriced restarant once every 3 months! They all agreed and so we will go to New York Grill the next time. Sure i've been there many times, but my friends never have. I love that place!

I got an iPhone for Christmas! I already have a cell phone mind you. However he though i would like to play with all the applications on it. You know I actually like it and he's paying for the bill for 2 years so that's cool. He also treated me to a lovely dinner at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel on Saturday the day after Christmas. That was nice too. Love that hotel. I got him a really nice tote bag for men. Handmade by a japanese craftsman. It's something he wanted and the bag is one that I almost bought for myself but was too expensive in my opinion. Perfect Christmas present though. He likes it and I like it so much I want to take it away from him. Just kidding. hehehe. It's that nice!

I received a nice gift box from my sister! That was a nice surprise! I got some decaf coffee from my mom. I sent my mother some dried persimmons and sweet potatoes. I had a hard time deciding for my sister and so decided to save it for New years. We don't exchange gifts in Japan during Christmas anyway and celebrate New Year's Day more. I will get her something nice then.

So all in all, I did have a nice Christmas albeit with a few bumps along the way. Sounds like life doesnt it?

Early day

2009-12-03T06:52:00.002+09:00

Yesterday, I was working on a pair of jeans and it was harder than I expected. The textures on jeans were hard to duplicate and I wanted to create something special. Anyway, the end result was fabulous and I would definitely wear them in real life.

So, after designing all day in front of my PC, I really had no energy left for cooking. My partner called to say he would be coming home early, which is around 7pm. So I decided we should eat out in our neighborhood. I met him at the station and we went to this popular neighborhood hangout. They mostly serve grilled meats and vegetables on a stick. Very basic stuff. Always crowded even on the weekdays. We had some grilled meat and veggies and complemented by cold beer. After 15 minutes or so, I was relaxed and my tension melted away. We then went to a Chinese restaurant nearby and had some fried rice followed by some Haagen Daaz ice cream from Seven Eleven. Very nice and relaxing evening. We went to bed at 11pm and now I find myself awake at 6:30am the next morning.

I have a lot to do today so I might as well stay up and work. It's rainy and really cold today. The forcast calls for rain all day and night. Tonight my friends and I will go see a movie and then afterwards, we have dinner. Looking forward to it actually. I probably need to take a short nap sometime during the day....but we'll see. Once the day starts, I never find time to take naps anyway.

Now, what should I have for breakfast?

Dramatic me

2009-11-30T11:15:00.002+09:00

I woke up today with my dog, Justin looking up at me. It is the second time Justin slept in my bed and it's so nice. At first I was worried that he might pee on the bed or something. Never happened. In fact, he stays asleep for the entire night. My partner doesn't allow that of course, but last weekend, he had to work overnight and because I was lonely, I had Justing sleep with me. This morning after my partner left for work at 6am, I went to the living room where he usually sleeps and carried him to my bedroom where we napped for a couple of hours. He just puts a smile on my face!!! :)

So these days, my life has been all about what's important to me. The things that I believe in and what I enjoy. The older I get, I feel as if it's a sin not to enjoy life. In fact, this year went by so quickly that November actually took me by surprise.

In summary this is what I did during 2009. I was in Hawaii visiting family in January and May. My mother came for a visit during the summer, my sister in fall. I was hospitalized for internal bleeding during spring. My design lable in Second Life has achieved some unexpected success this year. I've participated in quite a few major fashion shows in Second Life and I've never been busier than ever!!!

I do want to talk about my designing career in Second Life first. I need to because I feel I must try and take it all in. I remember my partner telling me about this thing called Second Life back in the day. In spring 2008, I launched my line called SHIKI(means seasons in Japanese) with a small men's wear line. I started to design women's clothes as well in summer of that same year. I had to move to a larger store due to inventory and so, I went ahead and purchased an entire island. 2009 started with my spring collection and summer continued with some hawaiiana designs. For fall/winter, I was invited to join two major fashion shows inworld. One was a fashion day that was even blogged by a real life fashion blogger. The other was fashion week by this established agency called Modavia. This did force me to create an entire collection within a 2 months span. During that time, I never left my apartment and was practically living fashion. This was a good thing because this experiece took my designs to another level.

Once this happened, I was intervied by a few magazines and invited to 5 more shows until the end of the year. Finally I took the leap, made the investment and went all out to do a special Shiki show. I then got invited to have my designs appear on tweet.tv, which is a television studio in Second Life. Finally I did a finale show on my own island called the Shiki Winter Extravaganza.
I have just started to work on my spring/summer 2010 collection for fashion week of next year, which I am already a part of. My sales have doubled and I am ecstatic to say the least.

Second life is a virtual world with a real working economy in which millions of US dollars are traded everyday between residents of the world. This in itself is quite unbelievable to me. However me, being a part of that is just amazing!

Next, my family. ;) What can I say except the fact that I truly love them! It seems the more time I spend time with them, the more I find out how wonderful they are. I am getting to know my sister more and this is a good thing. We've been apart for a long time since we live in differernt countries. It sometimes feels like we are kids again.....except the fact that we talk about guys and sex now. Well, come to think of it, we did talk about guys back then, but not sex.
My mother is getting older and I really want her to start thinking about getting interested in things other than just waiting a couple of years until it's her time to go. I will have to force her to come visit again in the spring. In fact, I think that's the perfect time for you as she absolutely hated summer! Frankly it wasn't that bad this year, however she just found the heat intolerable.

I've been having super vivid dreams these past couple of months. I always remember them when I wake up. There are times where I wake up crying....other times I find myself smiling at the fading memory of it. However they are always vivid. Now because they are dreams they are very unrealistic. It's just very movie-like you know. It seems like I just came out of a theater and have to think about the entire story and of what it all means.

Let me tell you a little bit about my dream this morning. My friend Michael, my partner and I were on some kind of mission. I don't exactly know what kind of mission we were on, but I know we were doing something dangerous. We sneaked into this hotel room ( I have no idea how we got the keys) and the room seemed messy like the maids forgot to come and clean it. This other guy, who I have no idea who it was, was part of our "team". He told us that he checked to make sure this room was vacant for the night so we will be using it for the night. I was afraid that someone might come in so I told everyone that we must talk in a soft voice so as not to raise suspicions. We all agreed and because we were all hungry, we went into the kitchen? ( why is there a kitchen in a hotel room) to see what was available. There was wonder bread(why?) and peanut butter. There were dirty dishes in the sink and everything was just really terrible. Anyway, I decided to just stick with eating some bread as it seemed fresh enough. I didn't trust the peanut butter.

For some reason we decided we needed to leave the room so we jumped out of the room window(6 stories high) and we all landed safely on the ground. At that time, I heard a ruckus behind me and saw the authorities coming out of the hotel entrance doors. We quickly found a van and got into it. We ducked and hid ourselved in it so that they wouldn't see. After we felt it was safe enough, we started to drive. Now my partner was the driver and for some reason he kept driving off the main road, into the grass and bushes...it was extremely annoying. We were up in the mountains and it seems Michael was getting tired of "country". I think that's the way he put it. After getting off the mountain, we were on a freeway which lead straight to the beach. Once again, my partner kept driving on the sand instead of the road. It was all so strange and I just wanted to yell at him. I was afraid that by driving illegally on the beach, we would call attention to the police. Right after the beach, we were now in the city of Singapore. But this Singapore looked more like Waikiki and Hong Kong put together. Very exotic really and a place I would love to visit again. I decided we should find a nice Chinese restaurant to eat tonight. I felt like dim sum. Then my dream ended. It was all really strange, but not as bad as some other dreams I have.

So anyway, like I said, i've been having vivid dreams almost daily. My sister thinks it's some kind of sign, but i really don't know. I would like to sleep without dreams though. I mean sometimes it's fun but other times, the dreams are so intense it's traumatic.

Last month, my friend Robert's father died. I will meet up with him this week and I'm afraid to ask him how he died because I think he committed suicide. I remember Robert telling me his father has depression and is always talking about wanting to die. Should I ask him about this? What should I do, I still don't know. On the same day, another friend is going through a bad breakup and I'm sure he wants to talk about all that. Which would become the hot topic of the evening I have no idea. I just hope it turns out well for everyone involved in the dinner.

Winter is here in Tokyo. It's a strange winter though. Bitter cold on some days followed by unusual warmth. The weather report must be consulted before leaving the house to help decide which coat will be worn. The leaves are still the colors of fall....red, orange and yellow. The weather leans mostly towards winter. The leaves will fall within a day or two I'm sure. All trees will be bare in the city. Christmas lights are up in full swing as if to compensate for the lack of leaves. It's all very beautiful in a furturistic sort of way.

This past month, I go through various emotions and moods. Tokyo is a vast and huge metropolis teeming with countless stores, theaters, parks, shopping centers, restaurants a you name it. Is there a city with so much activity going on? It almost seems as if every inch of space is taken up by someone of something. However, I sometimes start to feel suffocated especially when the sky is grey and it seems as if the sky is closing in on you. Other times, I feel elated and excited to be in a city where you can get your hands on almost anything you want. I mean I can get the best prosciutto from Milan, the famous croissants from France and everything from Kuaaina burgers, Krispy Kreme doughnuts, Coldstone, Harrods, Hediard....etc. etc.etc....I mean what can't we get here? In fact, I was telling my partner the other day that in our hands, we have a bag of ham from a famous deli in Italy, bread from Le Bihan(famed bakery in France), some cake from Wittamer(Belgium), cheese(Holland), and some local vegetables. This in itself is amazing when you think about it, especially when this is a daily thing and we take all this for granted. In fact, Michelin awarded our city with the most 3 star restarants in the world....more than Paris! That is great but will it be possible to sample all those 3 star restaurants in this city? It sometimes get all so overwhelming that I long for simpler days.

Now, does that mean I want to live in the countryside with the fresh air, chicken and cows and grow my own vegetables? Probably not.

Sister's trip to Japan. Part 6. Final

2009-10-28T14:15:00.003+09:00

We took my sister to Odaiba. She loves to play those slots and stuff resembling Las Vegas gambling machines. We ended up staying there for hours and I myself, got hooked on those things! ARrraaagggh!!! They are dangerous!

Donut Planet donuts!!!! Yum!!!

So my sister stayed for 2 weeks and as you can see, there are very few pictures. My sister took tons of photos, however it seems that she lost those pictures due to her camera breaking or something. I swear there were more!

This trip was more or less, a relaxing trip. Of course it's never totally relaxing in Tokyo if you step out of your apartment. We did stay in a lot and just watched DVDs. She got me hooked on Grey's Anatomy, which is just rediculous for me! What's worse is that after she left, I went to rent season 2 and someone has rented out for the entire week! How rude!

She also tried Nepalese for the first time. She loves it just as I thought she would! She also tried Indian food once again. She really enjoyed it and hopefully she has a better impression of Indian/Nepalese food. I did forget to take her to the macrobiotic restaurant in Ikebukuro. I also meant to take her to this other restaurtant but it seems we didn't have time. Well, she just has to come back doesnt she? I'm hoping that I could take her to Hong Kong on her next trip. We would just have a blast!

I learned a lot more about my sister's eating habits. She doesn't care for sweets like me. She has no preference for alcohol. Anything goes with her. She also loves loves loves dried squid. She loves her Japanese rice crackers and snack things. She loves good soba and root vegetables such as gobo and lotus root. I can go on and on, but it was fun learning what she likes.

I do want to introduce her to a wider variety of cuisines though. I love traveling with my sister. She's fun and we get to talk about lots of stuff we can only talk to each other with.

I'm hoping my sister comes again next year and hopefully though, during a different season. Spring perhaps or winter? I'll let her choose. As long as it's not summer or during rainy season. I love my sister. She's the greateast sister a guy could have!

Sister's trip to Japan. Part 5. Odawara

2009-10-28T14:06:00.003+09:00

Odawara must be one of my mother's fav places in the world. I decided to take my sister there this year. They have a huge spa with wonderful facilities. We left the house around 9:30am and ended up eating at this pretty horrible place on the highway. We shared an omu-rice and it was as stale and bland as they come. I definitely make better ones than that!

We got to Odawara town around 1pm or so. Decided to show her the Odawara Castle. After that, we checked into the Odawara Hilton and went immediately to the pool facilities. It was really nice and I think my sister was able to relax. Afterwards we had dinner at the hotel restaurant. My sister loves oysters and she had quite a lot of them. I tried one and you know what? It wasn't that bad! I'm still not a fan though. I had some meat and it was extremely tasty, probably because I hardly ever eat meat anymore!

At night, we ended up playing two round of darts and a round of bowling! fun fun fun!

Next morning, we had a huge breakfast and then went to Niji-no-sato,which is like a theme park with no rides. Just food, flowers and trees. It was nice though. I really enjoyed it!

The ride back was long as ever. The highways in Japan are always crowded during the weekends and there is just no way around them. Sigh....

All in all though, a great trip to Odawara!

Sister's trip to Japan. Part 4. Kawagoe

2009-10-28T13:57:00.004+09:00

Kawagoe is a place I've taken my mother a few times. It's one of my favorite places to visit. It's quite near from where I live and it's a historical part of modern Japan.
My sister boarding the express train.

Coffe float

Sweet Potato Pudding. YUM!

In case you ever get to visit Kawagoe, be sure to have some delicious soba noodles here! My sister thought it was awesome! Never knew she loves noodles so much!

Takoyaki from GinDako, my favorite takoyaki place in Tokyo!

Sister's trip to Japan. Part 3. Disney Sea

2009-10-28T13:48:00.004+09:00

Merry-go-round. Wheeeee!!!!

Nightfall has arrived at TDS.

The most fun i've ever had on a merry-go-round since I was a kid! I sure felt like a kid again!

My partner never goes on this with just me.

Sister's trip to Japan. Part 2. Disney Sea

2009-10-28T13:39:00.004+09:00

Last year when my sister came, our last day was reserved for a visit to Disney Sea. However she had become ill so this time, we decided to take her earlier during her trip.
Halloween was in full swing at the park and it was really cool! To see the Halloween show, we had to play the lottery. The last time I came here with my partner, we weren't able to score tickets. This time however, my sister must have been our lucky charm! We won seats! yay!

This time I played cameraman. Here is a picture of my sister and my partner.

The two people I love in Cape Cod.

Once again, the pair in Venice.

I decided not to ride Raging Spirits. I've had a really bad panic attack the last time. What is wrong with me, I swear? I will make it my goal to ride. :(

My lunch. Tempura!

My sister's lunch was chirashi zushi. She said is was just ok.

It has was raining all day, but the weather was kind to us. They stopped the rain just in time for our show at night. I did have more pictures, but I can't seem to find them. Hmmm.......

My sister's Japan trip:Fall 2009 Part1

2009-10-28T13:32:00.003+09:00

My lovely sister arrived in Tokyo on October 1, 2009. This is only her second time visiting me by herself and it was a treat for me to see her again. She was a bubbly as ever and I had finished most of my work before she arrived. I wanted to spend some quality time with her.
Because she visited last year, she was already aqcuainted with my dog, Justin. This is a picture of my sister taking my dog for a walk to the video store. On this trip, we spent a lot of time at home watching videos, which was fun for me. I always enjoy watching movies with her because we are both, movie addicts.

Silver week

2009-09-20T11:48:00.002+09:00

Yesterday was the start of silver week....a very rare 5 day holiday that's something like golden week. I'm so excited just because my partner gets a rare 5 days off!!!

Today I'm off to the Vietnamese fair at Yoyogi Park. I usually go to the Thai fair but it's my first time to this one.

Ok, off to the fair on a perfectly sunny and cool day!

Taiwan

2009-08-24T22:45:00.002+09:00

I just got back from a 3 night trip to Taiwan with my partner. It was a well-needed vacation for me and I got to sort of recharge myself. Truth be told though, it was actually a very tiring trip and I ended up sleeping most of the day today.

So our trip started out on Thursday afternoon in Tokyo. We drove to the airport and took Justin, our dog, to the pet hotel where he would be staying for the duration of our trip. Our JAL flight was pleasant enough and the food was normal airplane food. Nothing special but it was ok. We got into Taiwan on time.

Now my boyfriend is a public transportation freak and he insisted we take the public transportation into Taipei city. So we boarded the bus for a 20 minute ride to the high-speed railway station. I was actually nervous because all the characters were in chinese and almost nothing was in english. The other thing is that most people did not speak English. So I had to depend on my partner to read and decipher what the characters meant. The train station was very modern and nice. We had about 30 minutes to kill so we wandered around the shops. There was a 7-eleven store and it was quite interesting to see how different the things are. I quite enjoyed that. The train ride itself was smooth and quick. We got to Taipei Station and caught a taxi to the hotel.

We stayed at the Sherwood Hotel. It was a nice hotel, but for some reason i expected more. I was actually a bit disappointed and probably would not stay there again. Not saying it was bad...just expected more out of a luxury hotel.

After checking in, we headed out to the train station for a visit to the night market. I found the train system in Taipei to be very good and on par with Japan's train system. We got to the night market and got ready to explore.

We were quite hungry when we arrived and I had a list of things I wanted to try. We had this snack that was quite popular with the local people. It was this crunchy pie thing that they put into a tortilla like wrapper and then pounded with a mallet to destroy the insides. It was actually quite tasty, but a bit heavy with the deep-fried insides. My partner didnt like it, so I ended up eating some of his. We then found a noodle shop where they were serving the popular beef noodles. We got some of those and some boiled dumplings. Then we found dessert and had some shaved ice with fresh mangoes and sweet milk. Yummy. :)

I also tried these cherry tomatoes on a stick that were then coated with some hard sweet candy. My boyfriend thought they were weird. I thought they were interesting. I ended up throwing most of it away though. We found a fruit stand and got some fresh mangoes and guava. We threw the guava away. It wasn't so tasty.

We also found a lot of other things that we didn't try at the night market. We were just too scared to try them mostly. Stinky tofu was very popular and I had read about them. However they were just too smelly for us. Just walking past got us feeling queasy. I know I should them one of these days. I heard that they taste better than they smell so maybe one day. There were also a lot of chicken feet, meat intestines and stuff that I was just too scared to try. Other than that though, it was a great experience that everyone has to try out once.

We got back to the hotel and took a shower before going to bed.

Next day, we woke up and I wanted to get some warm soy milk that everyone eats in Taiwan. I found one just outside the hotel so had that. It was nice and felt good in my stomach. For lunch, we headed to the popular Din Tai Fung. Gosh the line was long and hot! I got sunburned that day and was starving by the time our seats were available but it was totally worth it! These were the best dumplings I've ever eaten. They were absolutely perfect! The way the hot soup burst into your mouth...the delicate taste of the soup itself...the perfect seasoning and texture of the meat inside...and the delicious wrapper....all dipper into soy sauce and vinegar with fresh sliced ginger. Yum.

We kept things light and only ordered these dumplings with some vegetables and noodles. We then headed out for the popular shaved ice place. We had to wait in line there too, but it was soooo good. Continuing on this food journey, we had another bowl of shaved ice with local taro and sweet milk. Yummy!!!

After all that food, we went to Taipei 101, the 2nd tallest building in the world the the fastest elevators in the world! Ok, I was not expecting much from this building but my partner and I were in awe of this masterpiece. The building was really huge! The buildings in Tokyo seem tiny compared to this one building. Yes, it's that tall. We took the elevators that took us to the 89th floor in about 37 seconds or something like that. It was sooooooo quick! The view from above was like looking out from an airplane window. I love this building! We had to talk to the 91st floor outside observatory. The view from the outside is not that great because it is surrounded by a pretty tall concrete wall for safety purposes. Now there are also restaurants on the higher floors but we didn't have reservations to go there. Next time.

The base of the building itself is a huge modern mall. The decor and design is science fiction modern and we just loved this place. We ended up having dinner at the food court there. We walked around the area and we were so tired by the end of the day and feet so sore. We took a cab back to the hotel. We were just too tired to walk to the train station.

The next day was spent at the National Palace Museum. Very impressive collection and it has made me appreciate how grand Chinese history actually is. So many things I never knew and all very impressive. We had some nice tea and dim sum in the tea room. Then we caught a cab to more department stores. We wanted to buy pineapple cake and needed to go to a number of places. You really have to try all the different varieties because they all taste different from one another. Some have more filling than others, some are sweeter, some have a more buttery taste, etc etc. You will eventually find your favorite. In the end, we got a whole bunch of pineapple cake, some taiwan mochi and some famous taiwan tea. Lunch was at this local place serving noodles. Good food.

Dinner was at a Shanhainese restaurant at Taipei 101. Yes my partner wanted to go up one more time to see the night view. He promised to take me to a nice restaurant if I agreed to go. Of course I said yes. It was really nice though and the night view was actually more impressive than daytime. Dinner was wonderful and absolutely delicious! We had this chinese cabbage salad that I had never eaten before. I know it sounds really simple, but I can't even describe the dressing. It was very tangy....like vinegar and lemon, and also spicy although you couldn't see any red color. Very delicious. Our scallops and asparagus was perfect and the orange pork spareribs was so yummy! The best part of the entire dinner at least for me, was the dessert.
I ordered it because it was something I've never had in my life. It was a green tea cake with preserved plums. My god, it was delicious! There were 4 pieces and my boyfriend hates sweets so it was all mine! I couldn't finish them so we had a doggy bag to take home. It tasted just as good the next day. I wish they made these for purchase so I could take them home with me. Hmmmm......I miss those cakes already.

The final day, we mostly rested in the room and had a light breakfast at starbucks. We checked out at 10am and I had an argument with the cab driver about the fee. My partner felt bad about it and bought me another box of pineapple cake at the airport to get me into a better mood. Nice guy he is. :)

Overall, the trip was great. As you can see, we hardly had any rest and I felt exhausted everyday of the trip. Although the plane trip was short, I had my usual panic attacks on both trips. I had to take a double dose of pills to calm me down, which them made me sleepy. I do hope that someday I won't have to worry about these attacks that don't seem to go away. They are just really troublesome.

Next time, I think I'd like to take it a bit more easy in Taiwan. I'd also like to visit some other parts of the country and maybe even visit a hot spring. Taiwan is very near Japan so it's a very doable trip. People were very nice except for that taxi driver. Food was delicious. The country was exotic and modern at the same time.

This trip was written in haste so I hope you don't mind how terribly messy this post is. I am sleepy and it's midnight and I just don't have time to edit and rewrite. hehehe. Forgive me please.

Taiwan I will see you again soon.

Hawaii trip December 2008 Part 1

2009-08-24T22:22:00.006+09:00

Room service at the hotel. The milk was actually spoiled.
We complained and they gave us free cookies. whoopee

The views from the room were actually quite nice though.

from the hotel

this is the view from my room at my mother's.

The North Shore of Hawaii.

Lanikai

Views from the Hilton

more pictures from my digital camera

2009-08-24T21:50:00.010+09:00

This is a mexican restaurant in Honolulu. Burrito picture to come. I always wanted to try this place out and got to finally! how was the food? Kind of boring.

The Nieman Marcus that's literally a 5 minute walk from my mother's apartment.

The good thing about my mother's place is that it's very convenient to everywhere.

North shore in Hawaii...January 2009 I think...
The block around my mother's apartment in Hawaii.

I enjoy strolling in the early mornings in Hawaii.

This is the huge burrito that I had in Honolulu. It was actually bland.

My friend had the rice plate which was more boring.

Of course Teddy and Bobby were at my birthday party. hehehe

This is in Japan of course. Very yummy cake!

The dinner my boyfriend had purchased at an outrageous price!

My birthday cake

Macrobiotic breakfast. I started a macrobiotic diet back in January. I was busy preparing all kinds of food...mostly raw good. It was good for awhile. Strangely, my blood tests came back worse. Hmmmm.....

Justin at the beach

Springtime in Tokyo is always beautiful and something we all look forward to after the long

and cold winter. I truly hate winters in Tokyo.

Justin's first cherry blossoms. This is a stroll around my apartment in Tokyo.

I think he hardly noticed.

This is from my apartment balcony. Cherry blossoms!

Shinjuku Gyoen Park spring 2009More cherry blossoms in the park

Narita temple grounds

in Narita

The pagoda in Narita

Narita temple

Justin's 1st year

2009-08-24T21:33:00.004+09:00

Time goes by so quickly!

2009-08-18T16:36:00.002+09:00

Wow I can't believe it's August already! Just 4 months away from the end of the year. That'a scary thought! This year has been a crazy year for me. I've been so crazy busy with work mostly and my social life has been pretty stagnant throughout the year. I'm not complaining though and feel as if my year has been really productive. Lots of ups and downs, but all positive in my opinion.

Yes, I had internal bleeding and had a blood transfusion. But it also made me feel better afterwards and I was forced to rest for an entire week, which really did me good. I also found out my blood type, which I didn't know about. My panic attacks have gotten better and I don't get them as often. My face still hurts after being on the computer for too long, but that's something I've gotten used to. My business in Second Life is growing and I feel as if I'm on the road to success. My translation work comes to me on a regular basis. Everything is ok.

In my personal life, I have lost lots of muscle due to not going to the gym, however I did not gain any weight and I've actually lost weight, which is due in part to me losing muscle, which is not good. I still do my pushups, situps and some yoga. I also run with my dog but that's about it for me. I would love to actually join the gym again, but I just cannot see myself spending my time there 3 times a week anymore. So I'm still thinking what I should do about that.

My mother came to visit me quite unexpectedly. It was actually a very nice surprised and happy that she made it here. I made her eat a lot of food and she gained about 5 kilos while here with me. It's a good thing because she keeps thinking she has cancer but after gaining weight, she no longer thinks that is possible. Yes she worries too much and I think I got my worrying personality from her.

My sister is visiting me again this October and i'm so looking forward to that. I truly hope that she makes this visit annually. I so enjoy her visits as much as i enjoy seeing my mother.

I will go to Taiwan with my boyfriend this thursday for 3 nights. I think I'm looking forward to it. I'm not really sure. I don't know what it is, but I feel unhappy with my boyfriend again. There are days when I truly love him and other days when I just don't give a damn. Why is that? Someone please explain!!!

I have so many pictures in my digital camera that I need to post here before I lose them.
Oh, we've been having quite a few larger earthquakes recently here in Tokyo. Now that's kind of scary.

One week in hospital

2009-06-28T15:12:00.002+09:00

What did I do to deserve this!!! Well, this was what went through my mind when my partner called the ambulance to get me to the hospital last week.

Last Thurday, I had a bowel movement. However I noticed specks of red. That was odd but I thought it sort of looked like chili pepper. I concentrated on what I ate the previous day and could not remember if I had anything resembling chilis. I decided I must be coming down with alzheimer's and shrugged it off. Besides I had no other symptoms or pain. This was around 4pm.

8pm arrived and I felt the need to go to the toilet once more. This time I knew it was something watery and I just let myself go. This time though, I noticed that the water in the toilet was bright red and it was a lot of red!!! It shocked me a bit, but still I had no pain or anything else that seemed odd. I decided that maybe I had a microscopic tear in my butt and shrugged it off again.

9pm arrived and I had to go again. This time more liquid and it truly looked like red wine. A deep red color. I stood there and a chill went through my body. I had to ask myself....is this normal? What could it be? Might it be cancer? I started to get worried but waited for my partner to come home. I didn't flush the toilet and just waited until I had an opinion from my partner.

9:30pm came and my partner got to look at it. He was pretty surprised at how much blood was in the toilet. He told me that he thinks it might be serious and to promise him to go to the hospital the next day. I told him that was what i was planning so don't worry.

10pm. I had to go again and once again, more blood. It was like the same amount kept coming out of my butt. Hmmmm.....this is really scary. I flushed the toilet and started go walk away from the bathroom when I was hit with a dizziness and weakness. I had to lie down and just decided it might be a good idea to just go to bed early.

12pm. Toilet again and yes, more blood.

1am. More blood and I am starting to feel nausea.

1:30 am. Need to go to the toilet but can't. I feel dizzy and nausea. I will just wait it out and sleep. I probably need sleep.

3:30am. I feel liquid sloshing around in my stomach and feel quite uncomfortable. I want to throw up. I can't stand. The room is spinning. I can't seem to breathe as comfortably. I wake up my partner sleeping next to me.

He tells me that my face is quite pale and I beg him to help me to the toilet. He tries but once he gets me to sit on the edge of the bed, the room starts to spin and I feel like throwing up. Uh oh,......am I having a panic attack? I figure I may be having one so I take an anti-depressant. But this is feeling really bad. And the blood. There must be more in my stomach. I try and think to myself if I really need to go to the hospital now. What if it's serious? My partner asks me if I need an ambulance and I nod yes.

4:00am the ambulance arrives. They have a wheelchair for me. I get on and tell my partner to get my bag. It's funny because I actually prepared a bag with some necessities just in case of emergency. Heading to the hospital I feel better. I start to get second thoughts and think maybe I really don't need to go to the hospital. However I'm already on my way so I decide I have to go already.

At the hospital they take my blood right away to check my hemoglobin levels. Explaining details to doctors. I start to feel cold so I ask for a blanket and also wome water as I'm feeling quite thirsty. Blood test comes back and doctor tells me I need to stay for some checks as my hemoglobin level is extremely low. He explains that the normal male has a level of 16 but I only had 9.7. Ok, it sounds bad though I don't feel as bad but I figure I need to get myself checked out. I also need to go to the toilet again and the doctor says to show him the contents of my butt. Same bucket of redness. The doctor says that this looks serious and I would probably need to be hospitalized.

I told my partner he can go home as he has to get ready for work. He promises to call later and I wait until 8:30am for the specialist to come in. Once the time comes, I go and walk to another doctor's office. They tell me I need to go to a different desk to make an appointment so I do. They give me a time of 13:00. Wow, that's four hours away. Well, I guess I could just sit somewhere besides I do feel tired. I wait in the chair but I can't keep my head straight. I feel really tired and a bit nauseated again. One of the nurses notice and she tells me to go lie down on one of the beds they have. I agree to and it feels much better. For some reason, I don't notice how tired/cold/dizzy I am until I get to the bed. Then the doctor comes in and tells me he wants to put an IV in me as well as do another blood test. I agree and he asks me to come into another room for the IV. I somehow make it to the room and sit on the chair while he starts to put the needle in me. Once he finishes I start to feel really dizzy and I can't sit anymore. He notices and calls three nurses over to help me get to bed but I don't make it. I lose consciousness just for a bit and I realized they got me to the bed and I have an oxygen mask over my mouth. I feel better but I hear the doctor calling "emergency CT Scan now!!!" to someone. Good good.....that sounds good. I don't like this anyway and I really need to get myself fixed.

Ok, they got me a bed and I just need to rest. I am officially admitted to the hospital and don't really know when I'm going to be able to go home. They come back with the blood results and tell me I am still bleeding internally though not as much. They will give me blood stopping meds via IV. I sleep most of the day and night. I wake up feeling better but weak. Doctor tells me I will not be able to eat anything until Monday. So nothing to eat from Friday until MOnday....right well.....this is what they do at detox spas so I decide this is good for me. Detoxing and maybe losing weight. Saturday and Sunday is mostly resting, getting meds via IV and blood tests.

Monday arrive and I will get a camera stuck up my butt. The experience itself was not so bad except for the drinking the 2 liters of liquid part. I tell you, the liquid tastes like watery sperm!!! Seriously!!! Like lemony with an ajax after-taste. I could not drink all of it and in the end they had to give me an enema.
They found a scab in my stomach lining at the far end of the large intestine. They found the cause. Yay!!!They still have yet to find the cause of the injury though they tell me. They think it may be some kind of parasite but cannot find anything in my daily stools. I get dinner but it's mostly liquid. Still, it's good to finally have something.

Tuesday arrives and after blood tests, my hemoglobin is now 10. Yay! They said I'm improving.

Wednesday now and another blood test. A bit lower today. 9.1. The doctor says it's a bit worrying as it is now lower than when I was first admitted. They decide they need to check my upper intestines tomorrow and also maybe a blood transfusion.

Thursday morning I go for the test. They did find a bacteria in my upper area but that's easily treated they say. It's something you usually get from your mother while an infant. But they say they need to give me a blood transfusion. My body is not making hemoglobin. My red blood cells are being depleted. They tell me they've ordered the blood yesterday just in case as I am a blood type O RH negative, which is very rare in Japan. The blood arrived looking like watery ketchup and I finally agree.

Friday morning I don't feel a different in the way I feel. All I know is that I can finally go home. In the end I was told to go on medication for 10 days to kill the amoeba just in case it is amoeba. It will cause me to feel sick but was told to just try my best to tolerate the nausea. If I feel numbness in my legs or fingers, go immediately to hospital.

So today is Sunday, two days after being released from the hospital. I feel the same...just very tired and I still am dizzy now and then. It must be due to the fact that I was in a horizontal state for a week with no food. I'm eating more and have gained 2 pounds in a day! I guess that is a good sign.

I am hoping I will not encounter too much nausea during my treatment.

A very good week!

2009-06-14T08:46:00.002+09:00

First off, it hasn't rained as much as was predicted by the weather people. No rain whatsoever this weekend either and that makes me happy. I got quite a bit done this week workwise and did some rare socializing as well.

A really good friend of mine ended up breaking up with his boyfriend of a year and so we made plans to meet up for dinner and drinks on Thursday night. I was a bit worried as I knew he was trying really hard to make things work. So we were a group of 5 on a Thursday night drinking on the balcony of a bar in Tokyo overlooking the city. It was nice. We all got to talk about our love lives and we all had a great time pouring our hearts out. Dinner was German food, a bit too oily for my taste, but hey who came for food right? We were there just to enjoy each other's company. Nice night it was.

Yesterday, my boyfriend and I went to see Angels and Demons. Actually enjoyed it much more than Da Vinci Code. Easier to follow and way more coherent. I did read both books but I didn't remember the details of Angels and Demons in the book as that was 3 years ago. Dinner was at this organic vegetable bar. Amuse Bouche was simply organic cucumbers with sea salt and olive oil. We had a salad of field greens and also a platter of a variety of organic vegetables with anchovy dip. For protein we opted for some grilled fish balls with shiso leaf and pasta with organic tomato sauce. Everything was good except for the pasta, which my boyfriend makes better.

Today we go to Costco and IKEA to do some shopping. Mangoes are in season and we need to get some of those. I also need to buy some stuff for my office. We will pick up his designer suit at the department store. My boyfriend got promoted at work and so he bought a really expensive suit, which actually makes him look rich...if that makes sense. :)

A good week it really was.

finally no rain today!!!

2009-06-01T10:38:00.002+09:00

While not exactly sunny, at least there is no rain today. It's been raining almost non-stop for the past 5 days. The first couple of days it's ok, but after that it just puts me in slow mode. I think it sort of affects my dog too as he seems to be more lethargic during times of rain. So today when I woke up and entered my living room(aka my dog's room or Justin's room), he started jumping on me and making some strange un-dog-like sounds. Just to let you know, my dog doesn't bark. He only makes these very quiet whiny sounds when he wants something. He screams loudly when a number of fire trucks pass by, but only when there is more than one.

I've been working hard these past few weeks and it's all good. I did have this really bad headache thing last week though. My face that was affected by bell's palsy has also been hurting really bad lately and it's pretty frustrating. Today everything seems fine so far. Two days ago, I felt nauseas and sick while walking to get lunch with my partner. I didn't tell him how bad I felt but he noticed and asked me if I felt sick. I eventually did tell him after the event was over. I just couldn't talk when it was happenning....yeah that's how bad it was. I have no idea why that happens to me. Anyway I got a doctor's appointment this week so I'll try and find out then.

I have so many pictures I want to post on my blog but just don't seem to have enough time. I know one can always make time if one wants to. I know I want to. I think I'm just lazy.

I'm going to take advantage of this cloudy but non-rainy day and take my dog for his walk.

My Hawaii trip

2009-05-08T16:40:00.003+09:00

Today is my last day of my Hawaii trip. I arrived here about 2 weeks ago and it's already time for me to leave. I'm sad that I'm leaving my family again. Also sad about leaving my friends. But I am eager to see my doggie back home and get back home to my normal life. I always seem to come here and leave here with mixed feelings. It's a weird and uncomfortable feeling. It always is.

The day I arrived, I was jet lagged as always. In order to get my back into a normal rhythm, I forced myself to stay awake as long as I could. However the next day, I felt terrible and unfortunately I found myself in bed for an entire day. I also spent a night at my sister's place but when I got back home to my mom's, I was sick again and was in bed for 2 days this time. So my trip started out with me being sick most of the time. I think it was the week before I left Japan that was at fault as I was busy like crazy, getting stressed out to the maximum. I had so many things to do and I think my body just broke down when I got here.

I did all the usual things....eating and shopping, walking on the beach,etc. My boyfriend met up with me for 5 days during the trip which was nice. I always have a good time with him and so that was great. I met up with my friend Michael just twice this time, as he's been quite busy with work. I wish I could've spent more time with him but hey that's life right. I got to spend some quality time with my sister and that was a treat for me.

My mother is getting old and cranky. She's also getting moody and seems to be out of control with her emotions. It is frustrating, irritating and sad. When I come to Hawaii, I love seeing her. At the same time, she gets me quite stressed and puts a damper on my days here. I know it sounds really mean and I'm hating myself for even thinking that. However it's true and though it may be mean and not right to feel this way, it's the truth. I find myself ready to snap and lose my temper but I fight it and fortunately, what I'm thinking doesn't manifest itself into actual words. I sometimes wish I could have an honest heart-to-heart talk with my mother, but if I do, I know it would make her really sad. I prefer her to keep thinking that she's not frustrating me.
But it's hard and I don't know why I'm having a harder time dealing with it. Is it me that's changing or is it my mother that's changed? Yes, my mother has always been cranky and difficult, but not to this extent, never. She used to smile a lot more and she was fun. She used to take walks and enjoyed little things. Now she's difficult and it gets harder and harder to get her to smile. She talks about getting old and it almost seems as if she is tired of living. She no longer cooks and no matter what I do to try and help her to eat or cook, she doesnt seem to be making any effort. If I leave the house for the entire day, she is cranky and moody when I get back. If I spend a few hours with my sister, she gets upset and acts like a jealous wife. If I talk too long on the phone with my best friend, she wants me to get off as quick as possible.

I remember telling my sister on the phone a few years back that she has to just deal with my mother the best she can. My sister did just that and she still does. I absolutely give her credit for that. I can see that she is trying her hardest to keep things in place and not to rock the boat. I noticed for the first time that my sister and I are doing something very similiar. We are both careful not to get my mother angry. We are both always trying to keep her as happy as possible. We are both frustrated at the effort it required. We are both tired and sometimes feel like our brains are just going to snap. We both love her with our hearts. We both are happy that we were born her children. We are both trying to deal with this the best we can. It is equally difficult for the both of us.

My sister calls my mother on a regular basis but only when she has the energy. I call my mother only when I have the energy. My sister visits her only when she is sure she can handle it. I visit my mother but have to mentally prepare myself before my actual visit.

Now, is this normal for everyone else? It makes me wonder. I used to take it in stride....dealing with my mother. Maybe because she and I were younger, my mother not as fragile. So it was easier to confront her directly without thinking she would pass away due to my outburst or something. So I find myself constantly tense when I'm around her. Is this the way it's supposed to be? Why am I finding is to difficult? Do I have issues I haven't dealt with? What the hell is wrong with me? I really don't know and I think it's time for me to try and find out what it is.

My sister on the other hand, has been a blessing for me. We've always been close, but not as close as we are now. We were very close of course when we were kids, but I think we sort of drifted apart after I moved away. She had a family to take care of and I had to find myself in another country. We both grew up and evolved into lovely human beings I think. I have come to realize that she's is the one person I can actually talk to about family stuff. I never knew how comforting it was to be able to do that. As we get older, I think we are seeing that our lives are not really all that different. Sure, we live in different countries, she's straight and I'm gay, she has kids, I have a dog, etc, etc, etc,. But we really aren't that different which just goes to show that we really are related. hahaha

I was also happy about being able to see my nephews. Andrew, the older one, is having problems. He's an adolescent and is having growing pains like you wouldn't believe. The scary part is that, he's probably going through a repeat of my life when I was his age, except that he's not gay(at least I think he's not) and I was a confused gay boy. So I can totally relate to what he's going through and that's what's worrying me. I wish I could tell him that the road he's taking is a very difficult road indeed. I hope he realizes sooner than I did and start to change for the better. I feel so much love for the boy and it pains me to see him so lost and angry. It also hurts me to see my sister in so much agony over it. As for Taylor, the younger one, he's going to be just fine! He's growing up to be a handsome and well-adjusted individual and he just puts a smile on my face. I love them both and I'm glad to have met them this time around.

My sister's boyfriend of 2 years is trying his best. He is far from perfect I tell you and he has a lot of growing up to do. However he does have good traits and he would make a perfect husband if he's able to open up and try to see things from a different perspective other than his own. This is his biggest problem and it will hinder his progress. I do like him though and I only wish the best for him. I look forward to the day when I can meet my sister and her boyfriend without them arguing all the time. It's very heart-breaking to see and confusing as well. It's a very strange and complex relationship.

My best friend Michael needs to change starting last year!!! I get so frustrated at his laziness and procrastinating habits. Sure he's depressed and sure he has no life but as everyone knows, those things are the cause of choices he has made and that's that! Period! If he can do this one thing, everything would change for the better and I can pretty much guarantee that! Oh, I worry about this guy so much it's rediculous.

Now one of the highlights of this trip was meeting a very old ex of mine. I really was in love with this guy so it was weird seeing this guy over dinner again. I was glad I did though and I only have good wishes for him. I hope to meet him over dinner and drinks again very soon. He's a good guy and he deserves to be happy.

So like I said, it's been a mixed trip for me this time. It's been quite emotional for me on a personal level. Yes, when I go back to Tokyo, life goes on. However I'm not sure if I want to avoid these things anymore. If I could do something to change things, I want to do that. But what do I do is the question. I havent got a clue and I'm not happy about it.

Feeling better this week.

2009-03-25T10:55:00.002+09:00

You know, I hate being negative about anything. It really annoys me and it never does me any good to be in a negative state, which is why I'm happy to say that this week has been a much better week for me. Emotionally I seem to be more stable and feeling happier. I'm slowly getting my energy back and after a few days of just vegging out in front of the TV, I'm now back to working with renewed energy and focus.

I lost a couple of kilos over the past week, but that was in due to me low-carbing during the weekdays. You know, I've been eating very little carbs for the past 3 years and it actually makes me feel better. But I started to eat normal food again sometime last year and I had gained about 3 kilos I think. Now I'm back to a good weight again just after a week and a half of low carbing. This time though, I've changed the diet a bit.

You see, starting this year, I started to eat macrobiotically. As much as I can, I eat organic food. I hardly ever eat meat and stick to fish, tofu, beans and nuts for protein. So I combine this with eating low-carb which means, no grains or starch during the weekdays.

I will have my whole grains, such as brown rice, whole wheat pasta, etc during the weekends. That's also when I treat myself to some cake as well. It always helps knowing that I'll be able to eat some junk food at the end of the week to reward myself.

I was never into fast-food so it's easy for me to stay away. I also don't care for potato chips and stuff like that, unless they are organic or the really good kind....you know, cooked in olive oil and seasonsed with sea salt.

My dog has started to pee in specific areas around the house. I think he's started "marking" and although it doesnt really bother me, it does keep me rather busy and running all over the house trying to clean up after him. I do scold him for doing it, but feel like I'm doing a cheap imitation of my mother. That REALLY bothers me!

My week

2009-03-14T01:01:00.002+09:00

I know I should blog more so I can keep up with my life. I've been so busy with things that time just goes by too quickly for me. I sometimes wish there were three of me to go around. That way each one of me can work 8 hours each. That would be cool huh?

This week was just kind of a blur to me. I can't really explain why. Nothing different about my week compared to other weeks. Just a blur though. Did nothing of significance. Did a lot of meaningless things. Things looked different to me this week. Even my dog looked different. Strange. I also felt sad one day, then I felt light and happy the next. Mood swings galore!

It's past 1am now and I just felt the need to vent. I had a really bad attack of something tonight while taking my dog for a walk. I didn't feel too well the entire day actually, but especially since 5pm, I sort of felt sick. I thought maybe it was just due to some of the meds I take for various things. I don't know. Maybe it's the change in eating habits? Hmmmm.....Not enough meat maybe?

Whatever it is, this week was just not a good one for me. It almost feels like depression. I think I went through a period of depression about 10 years ago. But why would I feel depressed all of a sudden?

Well, whatever it is, I at least got to watch a lot of movies on DVD this week. It was a couch potato sort of week for me.

OH......funny thing is that I just thought of something at this very moment.
I feel unhappy with my partner. Now why could that be? I have been feeling more and more
unsatisfied with our relationship. I wish I knew why. We still have sex, though it's very routine. We hardly kiss or hold hands anymore. We mostly talk about work and our dog. Why do I feel that something crucial is missing? Why can't I just be happy?

Man, I swear....it's like the year 2000 for me all over again.

Year 2008

2009-01-11T19:32:00.002+09:00

Happy new year!!! It's been such a long and somewhat a year filled with challenges for me but hey, here I am! I made it! I'm still alive! hahaha! Yeah, that's how I feel! According to the Japanese calendar, The years 2006-2008 were the "bad" years for me where back luck and misfortunes are waiting to pounce on me. Whether or not that's true, it certainly has come true for me. 2007 was the main "bad" year and that's when I came down with Bell's Palsy! The year 2008 started out with my face paralyzed, my panic attacks getting worse and my health overall, just going down the drain. My social life was at an all-time low and my relationship was in shambles. However at the beginning of 2008, I remember telling myself that I just need to make it through 2008 and to take things one day at a time. I decided to concentrate on several things during the year.

1. Don't start anything new with the exception of my clothing business in virtual reality.
2. Eat macrobiotic as much as possible and to learn how to heal my body with foods.
3. Yoga
4. Meditation
5.Think positive
6.Fix my relationship
7.Get back in touch with key friends

So did I actually do all of the above? You know, actually I did! I didn't do yoga as much as I'd wanted to but I was so busy doing everything else. I did learn how to incorporate yoga into my life in small 10-minute increments throughout the day. I also learned how to control my panic attacks through breathing techniques and meditation. Positive thinking also helped. I also got a dog and although it was hard at first, I can't imagine life without a dog now. My relationship is the best it has ever been and I am back in touch with a few friends dear to my heart. I have learned so much about eating good food for health this year as well.

I think I'll jot down some of my highlights of the past year.

My relationship has gotten much better. It's never perfect, but it seems that the longer we're together, the more I see what a wonderful man my partner is. I really love him. Our sex has never been better. Without going into details, he satisfies me in all ways. Now if we had sex more often, I would be happier, but hey one does have to work during the week.

We got a dog. I never believed that a dog could add so much to the quality of your life. I love him so much I can't believe how much! Taking care of him takes lots of time and energy. But for some reason, I don't hate doing all that for my dog. It actually makes me happy. Strange no? The training, the cleaning, the taking it for a walk, paying attention to him, etc. All of it, no problem because I love him so much!The thing though is that my partner loves him as much as I do and it's as if we have a child together. Sounds really stupid, but really it feels that way.

I started researching a lot about natural healing and how using food can actually help your body heal. Of course the more research you do, the more confusing things gets. It seems my body responds favorably to low carb eating. Lots of people won't agree that it's a healthy way of eating, but for me, it seems to improve my blood work dramatically. The thing though, is that I sort of tweak my low-carb diet. It's not all about eating meat because I don't really like meat. I add fish and soy to my diet and beans. I also eat sugary sweets once a week as that's my weak point. I guess that's my vice, like smoking. I also have miso soup in the mornings and if I eat rice, I usually have brown or white with whole grains in them. I eat fresh fruits but keep it to 2-3 servings a day. I eat lots of vegetables and I pickle my own too with sea salt and splenda. I do take honey everyday with my herbal tea. So you see, it's a mish mash of eating good carbs that don't spike your blood sugar and whole grains as well as healthful foods like raw honey, organic vegetables and fruits and stuff like that. My body does look best when I stick to a strict low carb diet. so those who say low carb diets don't work are lying. They absolutely do work! Seriously they do! And they are NOT difficult! I've been trying to focus on what I put into my body. When I do this, I notice that I can actually taste the food I'm eating. I also seem to prefer simpler foods when I do that. I notice the subtle tastes of fresh, whole foods without all the seasonings. Very interesting.

My panic attacks have gotten much better as the year progressed. I still feel the occasional attack coming and I do feel sick now and then. But I seem to be able to manage the situation better than before. After all the visits to the hospital and various doctors that tell me nothing is wrong, I figure I have to take things into my own hands. Try to make these aches and pains go away holistically instead.

This year, I took my mother and sister to Thailand separately. Those were definitely my highlights. I must admit I did enjoy the trip with my sister much more just because my mother gave me a lot of stress on this trip. I think she stressed me out so much more on this trip than any other before. She seems to be getting crankier and nit picky about everything. I guess it's just her age or something. I got to know my sister much better through this trip and that was definitely a good thing.

This year I found out who my friends really were. I have a handful of wonderful people that I call my friends. I love them to pieces and appreciate them for being who they are.

So that's basically the past year for me. I read a lot of books, I learned a lot about women's fashion, I worked hard in my own way, learned how to manage my time better, and discovered a few new foods along the way.

Not a bad year at all!

Hello hello and good morning!

2008-12-18T01:13:00.003+09:00

Yeah weird title I know. It's a bit past 1am here in Tokyo and I was in bed for an hour and it just didn't seem like I was going to fall asleep anytime soon. So I'm at my PC once again thinking about fashion and my trip to Hawaii next week.

I'm really looking forward to my Hawaii trip. I haven't been back for nearly 3 years and I can't wait to spend Christmas with my family. I still don't really know what to get the kids, but so far, I bought a whole bunch of Japanese candies that I think they might like. Gosh, kids are hard to buy stuff for these days. I think tomorrow, I should try and look for something for my sister as well. Her boyfriend is hard because he's really picky with what he likes. Oh well, I'll just follow my instincts and buy what I think they would like.

This entire month was a busy one for me. Or should I say I had a pretty busy year! One of the projects that I started on was designing clothes for the virtual world Second Life. At first it really started out as just fun, but then I went ahead and spent $1000 on photoshop. So I figure I have to at least try and make that money back right?

Anyway, almost a year later, I'm working on my winter collection and looks like it's doing great so far. I just need to get it more known so I really need to push my PR person to push a bit harder I think. Yes, I employ a PR person in the virtual world and actually pay her! haha. Yes it all sounds crazy but it's true! I've also been asked to design a wedding dress and suit for a lesbian wedding which would be in February. Also I'll be participating in a huge fashion show in March for my spring collection. Yes it all costs money so naturally, I need to make money from my clothes. So am I making money from this little(or big?) project? You know, I am....I really am! After expenses and all, I really don't make that much. I forgot to tell you that I also own land(which I purchased for $1000US) and an upkeep of $295 per month you see. And I pay to employ people like a PR person, models, photographers, etc. Yep, this thing has gotten bigger than I thought it would be and I seriously am living my Second Life!

The funny thing is that, I am really enjoying the entire process. I've learned so much from this experience and I know I will learn much more! So what'S my goal in this virtual world you ask? Well that's easy you see. It's to become one of the top 5 designers in Second Life,....period! This is actually easier said than done, but one needs a goal like that to carry on every single day designing and working on something virtual.

I've decided to post a couple of my designs here. And yes, all of the designs were hand-painted by myself!!! Textures, patterns, buttons, shadows and fold, everything!

I am proud of this collection so here we go!

So there are two designs for women that I created. I'm too lazy to upload the men's collection but I am proud of them too.

Today, we just did a photoshoot of the new clothes with a couple of models. It took a long time but I think it's going to come out great! So many projects coming up and I haven't even done my translation work yet! hahaha

Ok, working in Real Life tomorrow on my translation work!

Yep, I am kind of weird today because I'm in a very weird mood. However I am happy and that's all that matters today.

Goodnight ;)

My sister's Japan trip 2008

2008-11-18T15:49:00.007+09:00

My sister and I haven't seen each other for about 3 years. I really missed her and hoped so much that she would come to Tokyo to see me. She's always so busy in Hawaii and needed to spend quality time with her. Finally my dream came true and we had a really great time!
She has a new boyfriend and he came to meet up halfway through the trip. He's a good man.

One thing I'm happy about is the fact that my sister and my boyfriend really like each other.

He always asks about her and she's always saying how much she likes him. Puts a smile on my face.

I tried to think of all the places I wanted to take them. It was so difficult because there are just too many places to take them to. In the end, we ended up doing half of the things I wanted to do.

One night, we met up with my boyfriend in Marunouchi, the wall street district of Tokyo. We all got a bit wasted and that's when I got to know her boyfriend.

My sister got to meet my good friends in Tokyo. It's funny how she quickly bonded with all of them! Had so much fun that they wanted to see her again before she left.

I guess what I remember most about my sister is her smile and personality. I never knew how adorable she was until I got to know her this time. I always loved her and she will always be special to me. But this trip made me realize just how much.

I hope we can do this again sometime. I'd like to take her to Paris this time. ;)

Karuizawa 2008

2008-11-18T15:36:00.007+09:00

Our annual trip to Karuizawa included a stop at a blueberry farm. It was the first time I ever picked fresh blueberries. After this experience, I've decided it's just much easier to buy them at the store! It's harder than it looks to find ripe blueberries.

Of course, we met up with the straight couple. This is their cat. They've decided to buy a cat since they don't have kids. Cute cat....however I am allergic to cats and I was suffering to get out of the house!

Our macrobiotic meal at the blueberry farm. I swear it took them an hour to bring out our food. By this time, we were all in a pretty bad mood and starving to death!

My sweetie pie. ;)

Dinner at a french restaurant in Karuizawa. Nice but it was actually just so-so.

The course actually starts at the bottom. Just too lazy to redo them. hehe

I really was hoping for a better dining experience. Maybe next time, we will choose a better place. Oh well.

The sherbets were lovly. The other stuff passable.

The beef dish was too heavy for us. The sauce too salty. I only ate half.

Fish was good. But a bit dry and just didn't seem all that freshly made.

Soup was just corn potage. Nothing special either. Hmmmm

The scallop dish was the best this evening. Very good.

This is where the meal starts at the french restaurant. The amuse bushe. Pastry crust with sun-dried tomatos. Really mediocre. Something I can easily make at home.

The mediocre eel dish we had for lunch. I swear, it just wasn't that good.

My sweetie pie driving. I love my partner.

Hey hey!

2008-11-12T00:21:00.003+09:00

Wow, it's been a while since I've written in my blog. I've been so busy with so many things going on, but I admit, I've been rather lazy with the blogging. My organizational skills has diminished to about zero, and my schedule is rather messy. Maybe it's my new dog or my relatives and friends coming over....I don't know. I just know that I never seem to have enough time in a day to do everything I want to do! Anyway, let's see what's happened these few months.

Firstly, my dog Justin, can now sit and beg! haha! He also loves his daily walks! Yay! So Justin and I are fine and he's my baby now. No one can take him away from me and that's that!

Secondly, I got to spend some quality time with my sister, who I haven't seen in quite some time. We went to Thailand together and had a blast! She also met some of my closest friends in Tokyo and got along quite well with them! Her boyfriend came over to stay too. He's a bit different and seems to have a hard time bonding with people. Needless to say, we never bonded and I never really got to know him that well except that he really likes McDonald's and he's very "American". He does have some good traits though and they are good ones. He's very serious in character and personality, which is good and bad at the same time. It's bad because it can get boring. It's good because he takes things seriously and takes control and responsibility when the need arises. I'm still trying to decide whether he's good for my sister or not. He will make a good provider for a family. Not too sure about showing love and caring in the way my sister needs. I do like him though. I just need to pry him apart next time he comes over.

My sister was more charming than I remembered her to be. She has this wonderful laugh that just makes you want to laugh with her. I love her to pieces and hope that we can travel together again.

It's almost winter here in Tokyo. I really don't care so much about the cold weather mostly because it makes me feel sick. I don't know why but it just does. I hate taking showers in the winter and just the thought of leaving the house is enough to make me crawl back into my bed!

Anyway, I hope my boyfriend doesn't forget to take good care of me this Christmas. You know he's usually very unromantic this time of the year. This is when I feel especially sad sometimes just because he makes me feel that way. I do love him though for everything that he is. He just makes me sad for everything he's not. haha. Well, nobody's perfect I guess. I do love him. I love him. I love love love him. I must keep repeating to myself.

Getting better day by day and a pretty good Saturday

2008-09-13T23:17:00.003+09:00

You know, I think my panic attacks are getting better, or should I say, getting less severe. I really think all that positive thinking and ignoring everything that stresses me out is working! I'm still extremely busy these days. Like this week, I had tons of real life work with a whole batch of translation work I had to get done, in addition to my second life work. My dog is getting crazier by the day and needs constant attention. My apartment is getting messier by the minute because of the dog and less time for cleaning. I go to the hospital twice a week for various reasons like a senior citizen, and still have to clean the house to an extent, wash dishes,cook, do the laundry, vacuum everyday(again because of shedding from my dog) constantly wiping and disinfecting the floor(again due to my dog) and.....ok, just take a deep breath and slow down. Lie down on your bed, look up at the clear blue sky(or grey sky depending on the day), think about all the good things going on in your life right now and unwind.

Yes, this is pretty much how my life works these days. I never seem to have enough time to do everything I want, but hey that's life right? I still manage to do yoga at least 3 times a day. I actually force myself away from the computer to do this, which is not easy. :) But if I dont do this, I usually end up pretty stressed out by day three and my face starts hurting and I can feel the attacks coming again. It's definitely not worth it so, I stop and get my yoga mat out. I do some yoga to de-stress. If it's a nice day, I make it a point to hop on my bike and ride a bit.

How what do I do when someone or something bugs me or does something to irritate me or get me upset? I simply ignore it and not dwell on it at that moment. If I dont like something, I will change it or make a decision right then and there as much as I can. The important thing is to keep my cool and to stay stress free because health, at this point in my life, is most important.

Ok, I am really starting to sound like an old lady!

My dog, Justin has learned to sit and beg for food. He's learned his name I think. I think he understand when I say NO, he's doing something he's not supposed to. In the morning, when I get up, he greets me and I splay myself onto the floor to just be with him for about 20 minutes. I rub him all over the place and get his gook out of his eyes. I check his teeth and other body parts for anything that might be wrong. This is our morning ritual. I dont do anything else. Then after 20 minutes, I get up and finally brush my teeth and wash my face. I make some decaf soy latte or green tea soy latte. I usually have a cup of vegetable juice as well. I start toasting a whole-wheat bagle or something of that sort in the toaster or make some miso soup with brown rice, depending on what I have left over. I check my emails while eating with one hand and petting my dog with the other. I then feed Justin his breakfast. After he eats, I keep a watchful eye on him until he decides he needs to take a dump. If he goes to his toilet and shits in the correct place, I have to make sure to really praise him until he's begging me to stop. Then I put a load of laundry into the machine, I wash my dishes, do some vacuuming and finally, I'm able to start work of any kind.

Of course, throughout the day, I take Justin for a 30 minute walk, feed him again, give him baby milk, clean his pee several times a day, clean his cage, fold laundry, work, find time for yoga, work, clean, play tug-of-war with Justin, work, clean, make dinner, work, take a shower.....something like that.

As you can see, Justin has become a major part of my life and I must say, I really truly love him to bits! I cannot imagine a life without the little rascal anymore. Every second of my dogs life, I want to make it fun and enjoyable. Wherever I go, I'm looking for new snacks he might like, toys that he might enjoy and I just cannot love him anymore than I do now. It's funny because I never thought I would ever become so attached to an animal. I love love love Justin!!!

Today, I went to Disney Sea with my boyfriend to renew our annual passports. It was a nice day and since summer is virtually over, we decided to spend some time there. It was nice and for the first time in a very long time, I did not have a panic attack.

Justin at the pet shop

2008-08-30T00:35:00.002+09:00

Here he is at the pet shop. So cute!
He was so small he fit in your hand.

Justin

2008-08-30T00:29:00.004+09:00

Justin arrived at my home approximately one month ago. As you can see, he loves soft things like towels and pillows. He's usually making a mess of things while I'm working on my PC. When he exhausts himself after a play session, he finds the nearest soft spot and relaxes.

Justin's a chihuahua and miniature dachshund mix breed. I fell in love at first sight.

Good days

2008-08-23T12:24:00.002+09:00

Today I wake up feeling a bit lazy and tired. After all, I've been designing every day for the past week. Combining that with all my work and taking care of my doggie, I have a really busy day. However I'm feeling great and never felt better than I've felt in a long time. A couple of things I'm doing that's making a world of a difference. I have a routine that I try to keep to. My day starts out with lying in bed, imaging the day to be a good day with perfect health. I then do a 10-minute yoga routine to wake up my body. I consciously prepare my breakfast and eat it slowly without any distractions. I concentrate in each bite I take savoring all the flavors. After all that, and only after I've done all that, I check my emails and transactions online. I then feed my dog after taking care of his doo-doo. Play with my doggie for 20 minutes or so. Then I take a shower and get ready to start my day of work.

Depending on what's planned for the day, I take care of clients, design clothes or do translation work. I focus on each moment and enjoy every minute of my work. If I find that I'm starting to become negative, I stop doing it if possible, to recharge by stretching or having some tea or taking a short walk around the block. I also manage to do some household chores during the day. I usually have at least, one load of laundry to do. I also must vacuum the apartment everyday, since my dog arrived. I wash the dishes that my boyfriend never washed. Yesterday I also scrubbed the bathtub and cleaned the toilet and sink area.

I eat mostly macrobiotic and stick to fish and whole grains. I make sure to participate in some form of exercise during the day, no matter how busy I get. This is always a priority.

I always end my day with a 10-minute yoga session to relax and prepare for sleep. I make myself some herbal tea and go into bed and read for about 10 minutes before falling asleep.

My days are full and yes, they are very busy. However I make sure that no matter how hectic it becomes, I remain happy and focus only on good things throughout the day. This is what I have been doing and I'm noticing that my body takes care of me while I take care of my body. Today is the third day in a row with no panic attacks. I still feel funny now and then, but I don't focus on those negative feelings. I really feel better and know I will continue to feel better.

So anyway, that's basically what I've been doing. hehehe

It's raining outside today, by the way. It's cool and the rain is making the summer weather rather pleasant.

Tuesday update

2008-08-06T00:36:00.003+09:00

Ok, it's been a while since I've posted. Too many things going on in my life. I needed to start taking control of my health and personal time. While my health is going through a very hard period in my life, I've decided to be pro-active about it and am forcing myself to change my lifestyle habits. I also have to face the fact that I need to relax and generally slow down my pace of life.

Fortunately, my doctor told me that I don't have to worry about my condition being vasculitis. You don't know how happy I was when I heard that. I was all ready for my brain biopsy and just psyched myself up for the surgery and all. In the end, everything turned out ok. However, symptoms still remain and now I'm seeing all sorts of doctors on a weekly basis. ENT doctor, neurologist, psychiatrist, anesthesiologist and I'm getting MRIs of the brain and neck, EKGs, numerous blood tests and more! They cannot figure out why I'm getting these pains in my face and neck areas. My panic attacks are getting sort of worse and now my psychiatrist is thinking that it may be something else other than a panic attack. It's funny because that's what I've been trying to tell my doctors for the past 7 years. Anyway, I generally feel worse these days then I ever have and I'm having a difficult time trying to explain my symptoms because they are just too numerous to list. Tomorrow I go to see another doctor...he wants to check out my bones or something.

Anyway, what have I been doing for myself to help me cope with this shit? Well, like I said, one is to take it easy and relax. I know I have tons of things to do in real life and Second Life. However I have to remember that real life always must come first. After that's taken care of, take care of Second Life. If I don't do that, I risk my mental health as well as my physical health. I'm going to be good to myself and do as much as I can and enjoy it while I'm doing it. I've heard so many stories about people quitting Second Life because it just got too much and I'm not that far away from that point. I don't want to get to that point so I must balance. I must also try and remember to enjoy logging in to SEcond Life. Yep, for awhile there I always felt immense stress everytime I logged in. Not a good sign at all. So how will I run my Second Life business while keeping myself sane?

I already know what I need to do. I will have to create a business plan ASAP so I can start working better and even start to enjoy Second Life again!

Back to real life...I'm working on thinking only positive thoughts in order to give out positive vibrations throughout the universe as to attract good things and only good things. If negative things happen(which they do more often than not), I just look for the positives in those experiences and go on. Now, I've been doing this for most of my life but especially with my health not cooperating, it's pretty hard to stay upbeat. However this, I realize is of upmost importance to my road to recovery of all my ailments so I need to constantly work on this. I also have been doing yoga as well as working out generally on a regular basis. No matter what kind of work I'm doing, I log off my PC to give myself a couple of hours to take care of myself.

I love doing yoga these days. I've been thinking about the people I love, what I'm thankful for in life and simple stuff like how green the trees look outside my window. I learned that you should be thinking of these things as you're doing yoga. I notice that when I do that, my yoga session goes much more smoothly, my body becomes more limber and my session just seems more enjoyable. I also feel much more refreshed at the end of my sessions.

I've been eating mostly macrobiotic lately, except for the occasional dessert, which I treat to myself once in awhile. But these days, I like to start my day off with a bowl of miso soup with lots of veggies. I only eat brown rice and for noodles, I stick to whole wheat pasta or buckwheat noodles. I mostly use extra virgin olive oil and buy only the freshest produce in season. I'm teaching myself how to make some sweet desserts with natural and wholesome ingredients using nothing processed. I made some black sesame scones the other day that tasted pretty good upon baking them, but tasted sort of chalky a day later. Well, like they say, practice makes perfect!

My dog Justin arrived into my family about a week ago. He's a cute little puppy that has unlimited energy. Because he's a puppy, I need to watch him most of the day of every single movement he makes. It's pretty tiring but I actually love doing it. By the end of the day, with the combination of my puppy, work and my health just being in less than great shape, I'm ready to just sleep. But I love Justin so much and I made a promise to him that no matter what happens, I will take care of him forever. hehehe

Ok, tomorrow is another day and good things await me I know. I will get a great night's sleep and have a fabulous day tomorrow.

hello everybody ;)

2008-07-08T17:39:00.002+09:00

Yes, I know my titles are so unoriginal, but hey I'm just not that great at thinking up of neat titles like everyone else besides, I just have better things to do. hehe

Anyway, today is a great day. Why is it a great day? Well for starters, my day started out kind of bad. My bad was hurting and I had tons of work to do......personal work as well as Second Life work. Yeah, I actually have a business in Second Life and it is exciting to say the least. However all the real life stress come with running a business, even in Second Life. Anyway, I did a bit over an hour of yoga and decided to concentrate on what's important in my life. So while doing my yoga exercises, I focused the attention to the people around me. It really made a different in my mentality as well as getting rid of the aches in my back.

Ok, why is this simple act important to me at this stage in life? Well, for starters, it's just a really good thing to do. Hehe. Yeah, call me weird and crazy but it just feels good to focus ones attention on others besides yourself. It's stress relieving and makes me feel refreshed in a sense. The other reason is that I sort of had some news that may or may not be as bad as it might be.

I had my results from an MRI I had taken of my brain, as I was getting headaches and my pains in my face were really affecting my personal life. My doc says that there are no apparent tumors or bleeding, however there are some white spots that concerns her just a tad. She went to get it analyzed by a specialist and came back saying that it's possibly a very rare disease called vasculitis, which is an auto-immune disease where your blood vessels are inflamed. Well, I tried to stay really positive about the news so I went home without really asking my doc too much. Besides, she told me to just go home because she need to get it analyzed by another radiologist.
I went home and as per my curiosity, I searched the internet to learn the meaning of this rare disease. Well I was stunned and scared after reading about it. It seems treatable, however the medicine has side effects that run from nausea all the way to cancer. Ok, doesnt sound too good to me. Now, if the doctor does come back saying that he thinks it might be vasculitis, they would have to do a brain biopsy to be 100% sure that it is. That's how difficult it is to diagnose. Once they are sure of it, I start treatment and have to be monitored closely for any abnormal side effects or changed in my blood, kidney functions, and a whole lot more. So, after reading all that, I found that I could barely touch my food during dinner. I decided that worrying about it at this point isnt't really helping me or my brain so I decided to meditate.

I shut off my PC and decided to just relax and focus on mending myself through positive energy. Hehehe. I know it sounds crazy, but I hear it works for some people. I made myself some herbal tea to calm my nerves and went to sleep.

I woke up this morning, once again , scared. Now here I am, after doing yoga and focusing on people I love, I feel much better again. I am hoping that my results from the radiologist come back negative and that it's just some kind of blip on the radar. However I'm being realistic and I've sort of made peace with myself and my body. I will take care of my body as best as I can. I will love the people around me as much as I possibly can. I will enjoy every minute of my life because one never knows what can happen in the near future, or even tomorrow. It's not the first time I'm face with a life-threatening possibility. I will fight for life if need be for the sake of the people I love. I'm thankful for them because without them, I probably had a full life and I'm ready to just throw in the towel. Yep I almost gave in to that thought. But hey there seems to be people who need me. My mother is still alive and I remember she telling me that the greatest sin is to die before your parents. Ok mother, just pressure me. ;) I will fight as long as I have the energy and strength. I am happy today and it is strange that I feel this way. Maybe this was a wake-up call for me to remind me of what's important in life.

Gloomy morning

2008-06-28T10:05:00.002+09:00

I woke up this morning feeling a bit blue. I had a dream right before my eyes opened. It was a dream of me breaking off the relationship with my real-life partner. It's strange because I sort of have been having these dreams...all different but same theme...for the past week. In the dream, I'm always the one that initiates the break-up. So I wake up and feel rather blue. However I do notice the feelings inside of me this morning. My partner always wakes up before me even on weekends and he's usually on his PC. I am never in a hurry to go and be with him in the living room. I usually roll around in bed wondering what I should say or how I should act. Even at nights, I hardly ever look forward to seeing him these days. I'm hating myself for all this and to tell you the truth, I really don't know where these feelings are coming from. Most likely resentment...perhaps something else...I don't know. What I know is that we do need to start communicating because if things keep going the way they are, I am bound to go and find myself cheating on him...again. I'm not sure I want to go through that again, but these feelings of being uncomfortable around my partner doesn't help my panic attacks these days...I've been having them on a daily basis. The strange thing though, is my attacks stop when I'm on holiday, away from him! Obviously, something is bothering me. I just need to find out what exactly it is that's bothering me so much and making me just a bit too unhappy because I know, he hates it when I bring up a subject like this when I don't even know what I'm trying to say. Man, it's a Saturday and I'm unhappy! Not so good.

My Bangkok trip was great. Sure, my face sort of hurt now and then on a daily basis, but that's to be expected from the after effects of my BP. Some days though, I swear, I didnt feel all that great, but at least my panic attacks decided to stay dormant, which is a rare blessing. As mentioned before, I went with my long-time friend Michael from Hawaii. He's gotten pretty big and it's obvious why. He stuffs himself silly and then goes to lie down to sleep. He doesnt exercise and he's gotten fatter as the years pass. I'm talking fat...not chubby nor big-boned....just unadultered and pure fat! He has high cholesterol, high blood pressure and is borderline diabetes. He takes medication for all of these ailments and seems to think he doesnt have to change his lifestyle habits. I am so worried about all of this. Everytime we go somewhere together, I worry that he might get a heart attack. We even had an argument at a food court after me nagging him about not eating so much. He just eats too much...like for 2-3 people! For lunch one day, he ordered a steak plate and two slices of pizza. Another time, he actually ordered the dinner set for 2 persons at KFC, which included 5 chicken, 3 barbeque wings, 2 salads, 2 orders of french fries and 2 cokes!!! At least he made them diet cokes but still...oh, did I tell you he drinks like crazy and his resting heart rate is the same as mine when I'm working out? So I am worried for his health and it gets frustrating. Oh another thing.....he has this problem with credit cards. He keeps getting more and gets deeper into debt. Yep. So many problems. And when I try to help him out, he gets really irritated and uses the same excuse. His excuse that he had a "lost" childhood, his life sucks, he has no love, blah blah blah. He never fails to mention that my life is easier and perfect which is far from the truth and when he says that, it just ticks me off. So at the food court, here I am practically yelling at him for saying that. My life was NOT easy and is never easy. Whatever I have, I worked hard and sometimes harder than anyone else for that matter. Nothing was about luck, it was through so much trial and error with the occasional bouts of wanting to just give up. It ticked me off and I couldn't control my temper at that remark. And all the self-pity....I swear I just wanted to slap his head and wake him up from his never-ending stupor! Well, just like close brothers, we made up in no time. I told him that the reason why I nag him is because I care. I'm scared for his health and I can't just sit there watching himself ruin his life. I told him I will never stop nagging him until he changes because that's what friends do. Anyway, this has been going on forever so we'll see if any changes come about.

Even with this bout of drama, Bangkok was fun. We have these occasional blasts of anger now and then and never seems to affect our relationship. Anyway, yep Bangkok was great! I never tire of the place it seems.

Ok, strange things happens right now. I had to make a brief stop because....my partner just came into the bedroom where I'm writing my post, and starts to blow me. Very strange...

Okay, post-cum, I feel a bit better. Now we're trying to decide what to do today. Michael is not waking up after coming home inebriated beyond hope at 5am this morning. Have to learn some stress control for myself and not worry too much about others. Bad bad habit of mine.

A week full of ups and downs

2008-06-18T21:43:00.002+09:00

It's been a weird week for me. It all started last Thursday when about 8pm, I had a headache. The headached became worse and peaked in about 10 minutes...a pain I've never experienced before. I started to feel strange physically and finally I felt like I was having a heart attack or something, so had to call the ambulance. Went to the ambulance and couldn't stop shivering. My body was cold all over and it was hard to stay still. At the hospital, they did some simple tests and asked me questions. Nothing seemed to be wrong and they told me to come back if the headaches came back within the next three days and to take it easy. I wanted them to do a CT scan at least but they said no need.

I was still feeling weak and dizzy after being released so stayed in the waiting room for about 40 minutes then took a cab back home. The next day, I felt so weak I hardly could get anything done, but the doc told me to take it easy so that's what I did. The next morning though, I woke up feeling bad again and as soon as I got up, I started having a panic attack again even after I took my medication. I almost went to the hospital again, but decided to try and relax. It was hard, but it started to get better and I survived. However I was weak all over for the entire day again.

The weekend was spent just staying at home most of the time trying to get my energy back. Monday, my friend from Hawaii arrived. Tuesday, we went into town for lunch and I started to feel weak again around 5pm. Went home and went to bed at 8pm and stayed in bed until 10am.
Finally Wednesday today and I'm feeling a lot better. Went to get a haircut and had some lunch with my friend. Tomorrow I leave to Bangkok with my friend.

I hope everything is ok and nothing happens while I'm on holiday.

Last night's dream

2008-06-09T10:58:00.002+09:00

I woke up this morning really bothered and although did not manage to get my 8 hours of sleep, forced myself to get up. I had this really weird dream and I can still remember it even though it's been more than 2 hours since I awoke.

Dream sequence one:
I board a bus leaving for the mountains in Hakone. For some reason, I have no pants on and just wearing a shirt. I'm embarrassed so I rush to get a seat, but everyone's looking at me and giving me scary stares. I try to cover myself up by stretching my shirt over my private areas. Finally we get to our final stop and everyone gets off the bus. The driver tells me to hurry up and I need to get out of the bus. I tell him to give me a few minutes to put on something.

Dream sequence two:
I arrive at the Hilton Las Vegas Hotel. I've never been there in real life and looking forward to my room. The hotel looks very old and after finding the elevators, for some reason, they dont work too well. It keeps skipping my floor. Finally it stops after a few up and downs. My room is absolutely rubbish. The lights dont work, there are leftovers from the previous customer, and now the ceiling is leaking. I call the front desk to ask for my room to be changed. She comes up and says ok. I ask her though, if this is normal and she says it is due to the hotel being really old. I have booked 2 nights but I immediately want to get out of this hotel. I start packing my suitcase, but for some reason, everything won't fit.

After these two dreams, I wake up bothered and can't get myself to sleep anymore.

Pretty basic week

2008-05-28T09:12:00.002+09:00

We are halfway through the week and I'm still trying to create a new rythm to my life. I am forcing myself to get into bed by a certain time so that I can wake up early in the morning. I've been sleeping at 3am and waking up at 11am these days. However last night I forced myself into bed at 10, but couldn't really get to sleep until 12. I woke up at 8 this morning and hopefully tonight will be easier.

It's my boyfriend's birthday this weekend and we are heading down to Osaka. The flight takes off extremely early in the morning so we have to leave the house at 5:30am! So on Friday night, I'm hoping to be in bed by 8pm so I can feel refreshed for my flight.

Nothing special in my life, except that it's been a pretty boring week. As usual, I'm starting to feel myself getting cornered into a rut and have to try and get myself out again. Bell's Palsy has kept me cooped up inside most of the time and I still don't really enjoy meeting people. On some days, everything's fine, but sometimes for an entire week, half of my face is in pain and I start to get twitches beneath my left eye. It's really inconvenient and gets me depressed.

I have so many things I must do this week and I'm not even half done. I really need to sit down and make that list I've been meaning to tackle. Next week, I'll meet a friend for some wine and a heart-to-heart with him, which should be relaxing. I was planning on having a dinner party at my house this month, but there's just not enough time for it all. Time management is the keyword here and I am bad at it!

I'll be going to Bangkok again next month and I'm actually looking forward to it. I just want to have a good time and relax!!!

My mother's trip

2008-05-08T09:30:00.003+09:00

Feels like a long time, yet feels like it was just yesterday. She's leaving back to Hawaii tonight and I feel kind of sad. She got me up early every morning and fed me so much food I gained close to 3 kilos since she got here. I've been eating less since yesterday so got rid of half a kilo. Now I have to burn the rest off when she leaves starting tomorrow.

Yesterday her brother and sister-in-law came over for a visit. It was fun and we all had a nice Italian lunch. Right after, her friend came for a chat and then it was off to dinner with my mom and my boyfriend. What I noticed about my mother was that whenever we go out and eat, she seems very quiet and bored. I don't think she enjoys eating out as much as she used to. She prefers staying at home these days. The only time she enjoys eating at restaurants are at buffets and now I know why. She can't stand sitting still for a long time and at buffets, she can go back and forth between sittings to get her food. Now I understand why she loves buffets so much. Even at home, she never stays still....always doing something. Wiping the table, flicking some dust off the shelves, cooking something, doing laundry, watering the plants. Always moving. I told her one day that she should just relax and she said she gets tired sitting and sleeping.

Today my boyfriend comes home early from work to have lunch with us and then he'll take us to the airport. I think I need to treat him to a nice dinner this weekend for being so nice to my mom.

Yeah, my mom was still demanding and stubborn. She sometimes gets me so stressed out it's not funny. However when she's away, I always wonder how she's doing....if she's eating well...if she's talking to someone...if she's going out for her daily walks, and I start to miss her.

Well I'll miss her again and hopefully she'll be back sometime this year. I wish her a safe and pleasant trip back and I hope she had a good time while she was here in Japan.

me and mom at Disney Sea 2008

2008-04-24T10:37:00.006+09:00

April update

2008-04-16T11:02:00.002+09:00

So my mother finally arrived on the 4th of this month. I was so happy to see that she looked healthy. We had a rough start as she came directly to my apartment as I left to meet her at Shinjuku station. Naturally she blamed me for the mistake and you never get into an argument with my mother. I told her I must have premature brain damage and that was that. I gave her a cup of tea to relax her and then she was better.

The first week was spent staying mostly at home. That same weekend we went to see the cherry blossoms with my friends. It was so nice seeing my friends again and also great to see my mother enjoying herself so much. I notice that most of my friends now have boyfriends and everybody is pairing up as a couple. It's nice and I think because of the fact that we are all getting older that everyone's starting to settle down.

I also took my mother to Bangkok and we just came back last night. It was nice and she seemed to enjoy it. I have to say that it was one of the most tiring trip in my life. She wakes up at 5:30 am every morning and I end up waking up at 6 or 7am. She's hungry by then so I force myself to get up and take her to breakfast. Then after breakfast, we have about 30 minutes before she gets restless and so, we have to leave to do something. Usually, when I'm alone, I dont leave until noon time as I like to rest up in my room just chilling out.

Anyway, we got home yesterday and I had a good 8 hours of sleep. I think I got about 5 hours of sleep every day during my trip.

Met some fun people during this trip at the SK2 party, though I couldn't stay too long because I was half asleep. I also didn't get to eat much mango as my mother said the pimple on my face was due to the mangos. Gosh, the trip was pretty stressful I guess. But, it was a trip for my mother and so, I just had to grin and bear it.

Today we are back and she's cleaning house. I'm hoping she lets me work all day. I really need to get some work done.

I love having her around as I know she's doing well and looks healthy. My mother has gained 7 pounds since she arrived and that's a good thing. I think she lost around 20 pounds since I last saw her and my sister ordered me to feed her.

I need to have really good sex real soon.

A typical Wednesday

2008-03-19T12:50:00.001+09:00

It's a cloudy day today. All grey and from the looks of it, cold. However the weather forecast says not rain and when I went out to buy my friend some cheesecake, it was quite warm. In fact, the weather is perfect.

I had a really busy day yesterday. Today I have another one of those busy days. I woke up and immediately tackled some translation work. Made something to eat, went to buy some cheesecake and now waiting for a client to come over in about 5 minutes. After work today, I have plans to meet up with a friend for dinner and then to see a movie. It gets done at 11pm so I should be home late.

Tomorrow is a public holiday so my boyfriend will be home. I wonder if he has anything planned? Not likely, but let's see if I can convince him to take me someplace.

Oh, I made some homemade pickles and they turned out really good! I think I'll try and make something else I've never tried.

This week, I canceled all plans to meet friends, other than tonight. I am way too busy to fit them all in! I am lucky though, all my friends understand how busy I am and they're used to it. However I will not cancel next week's plans.

Life goes on

2008-03-16T11:00:00.002+09:00

Yes life does go on even when you think you won't be able to survive another single day.
I realize this time and time again. After five days after my breakup with my affair, I feel so much better and once again, reminded of the fact that all things happen for a reason.

When I look back and try analyzing my relationship with the guy I had an affair with, I realized why I felt so sad. I really don't like the word "sad" because it doesn't even begin to describe what I went through. Anyway, this is one of the big reasons why I felt so depressed.

One of my friends last night told me that maybe, one of the reasons why I was so depressed was the fact that maybe, it was because I was tired of trying over and over again. This was partly true I guess. It all has to do with love, or my personal perception of it.

When I first met the guy, I felt alone and unhappy with my current boyfriend for the longest time. In fact, my friends and I had to go drinking once a week to get really wasted. I also went to the clubs on a regular basis, while doing tequila shots with my buddies. I also had a lot of random sex with strangers on a regular basis. I realized I must be unhappy. But at that time, I just told myself that this was the kind of relationship I was in and that, most relationships are like this and that I shouldn't expect so much. I thought that this was a mature relationship and that all relationships are like mine, one with no passion and sparks. So everytime I met someone who would tell me that they are looking for that one perfect person that fills their lives with love and happiness, I thought in my head, "that's a load of bull"! I learned to love my boyfriend the best way I can and I threw all my expectations out the window.

Then when the other guy came into my life, he brought out feelings that I forgot I still had. I started to get scared because these were the feelings that I was scared of. He started to peel off my protective skin that wraps around my heart layer by layer, and I guess I let him. I was happy to know that I could still feel that way and once again, I believed all the promises that came pouring out of his heart.

Once the relationship started deteriorating and ended up with the breakup recently, I realized that maybe, this kind of person who makes me feel this way, is not a good kind of love. I have felt this way with a person maybe 3 times in my lifetime. The results were always fatal and I always felt that things couldn't get any worse. The feeling is like this. I feel loved and protected. I feel as if I'm treasured and that nothing can make me feel sad anymore. This is how I felt with him and those 3 guys in my past. So it's quite clear why I felt so sad after the breakup. Suddenly, I didn't feel so safe and protected, treasured and loved.

Sure, my boyfriend loves me in his own special way. But he's a realist and sometimes too real. He always seems to come first in his life. He never surprises me with small gifts. He never looked into my eyes to tell me that he loved me. He wanted to keep our lives separate and individual. It was all fine really, until the other guy showed up. I guess he gave me what I needed that my boyfriend couldn't give me. It was like he completed me.

The fact that I could feel that special kind of love that I thought I'd lost. The realization that I wanted to feel like that and I wanted someone to take care of me in that way. The realization that I felt sad and lonely with my current boyfriend. The fact that I had to tell him about this affair so we could somehow improve the situation.

I did tell my boyfriend about it and why I got involved in the first place. My boyfriend, with no change in his expression, said that he was sorry and that it was partly his fault. No drama, no emotions, nothing. My friend once told me that he probably feels many things inside. He just isn't the type to show it. I guess that may be true.

I just hope that things will keep improving with my boyfriend. I'm sure this was a good thing that happened. Maybe we both needed this event to take place, in order to move our relationship forward and into a better place. My protective shell is back in place now, I can feel it back where it belongs. Safe inside where no one can get to it. This is where is should stay for now.

Yes life goes on. I'm back to Second Life as well. My friends are still there and my best friend Jeckie came back on after some absence so I'm really happy about that. I guess our friendship developed because we both gave love to one another without expecting anything in return. We were both there for each other when we needed them to be. She did alot for me while not expecting anything in return. I guess that's what real friends do. And she has won my loyalty that way. I'm thankful to have her in my life.

Today I will go shopping with my boyfriend. I bought a nice pair of shoes and a shirt yesterday. Today we will go to a wine shop to buy a few bottles of good wine. My friends are coming over sometime this week.

How do I feel today? I guess I feel thankful for what I have.

Oh, I decided not to buy anymore potato chips for a while. I think I had enough chips to last me 5 years.

Day or Recovery

2008-03-13T22:13:00.002+09:00

I woke up this morning hoping to feel better. I actually did feel better after a night of rest. My head was clearer and I realized what I needed to do. Anyway, this morning I woke up and made myself a cup of decaf latte with a sprinkle of cinnamon to lift my spirits. Then after quickly checking emails, I started on project clean up. Yes, I'm going to clean my house and get rid of old things that I never use and all the dust that had accumulated over the past year. I started out with the dining area as there is a lot of stuff I don't use in the cabinets there. Once that was done, I continued with the living room. By this time, it was around 1:30pm so I started to get hungry. I went out to get something to eat, at which time the ex-boyfriend who I broke it off with the other day, called my cell. I was in line at the register at the grocery store and couldn't really talk so I told him to call me back. He called back 3 minutes later and I had a little chat with him for about 5 minutes. It felt really strange to be talking to him like nothing happened, so I apologized to him for being so dramatic the other day and that something was really wrong with me. I told him that I feel much better today and thank you for the call. He said that we should have dinner sometime next week and I said that sounded great. I told him that I'm cleaning my house to get rid of all the mess I've accumulated over the year and besides, my mother is coming soon so I need to get it cleaned anyway. I told him to have a great day and don't forget to eat. I did my best to sound as cheerful as possible and made like it was the best day of my life!

After I hung up, I was quite amazed to find that I was indeed happier today. I went home and had my late lunch while watching an episode of desperate housewives. Immediately afterwards, I started to do some laundry and went to tackle the bathroom and hallway closets. While rummaging through the hallway closet, I stumbled upon some old pictures of my ex ex and my ex ex ex as well as my ex ex ex ex! hehehe! Yes I have a lot of exes! I started to laugh because they were all so funny and I completely forgot they were there. I think my mother tried to hide it from my current boyfriend. I don't know why she finds it necessary to do that. I mean my boyfriend knows I'm not a virgin.

After the closet, I scrubbed the bathroom tiles, the sinks, and the toilet. I then continued to the kitchen. That was the worst, but hey, someone has to do it right? I thought that was enough cleaning for the day and you know what? I felt wonderful! I felt that I deserved to relax so went to the DVD rental shop to rent a couple of DVDs. I did an hour of yoga but had to end it short because of heart palpitations. What was causing it today, I have no idea! I watched THE INVASION with Nicole Kidman while eating a cabbage salad and some potato chips. Yeah I know it's a weird combo but I was too lazy to leave the apartment.

After that, my boyfriend came home complaining he had a headache so I had to make him some hot tea and gave him a back massage. It's 10.27 pm now and I'm ready to head to bed. Nothing else for me to do tonight and besides, I am tired today. Tomorrow I need to continue cleaning my apartment. I might as well do everything I can this week as I have a busy week next week. In my desperation for company, last night I emailed a couple of my friends to make plans for next week. At the same time, a friend from Bangkok will be coming and wants to meet for coffee! Okay, is that too much? Sounds like a lot to me so we'll see how things go. I might have to cancel some things. I really do need to get back to my designing.

Anyway, I had a really good day and it was better than I expected it would be. I'm still a bit sad, but compared to yesterday, I'm a totally different person! I'm hoping that tomorrow will be much better than today and I'm pretty confident it will be.

Third post of the day

2008-03-12T22:56:00.003+09:00

It's almost 11pm over here where I live. I literally couldn't do anything today except eat and watch Desperate Housewives all day. I'm depressed and it all feels like a dream. It's like you're in this half-awake state all day because everything's all blurry and all I wanted to happen was for time to go by faster. The minutes were ticking by so slowly and it's been a long and lousy day for me. I don't feel like logging into Second Life. I don't feel like working. I don't feel like doing anything except taking a sleeping pill and zonking out. The problem is I don't have any in my apartment. I went to buy a bottle of wine and had a couple of sips but decided it was better not to drown my sorrows with alcohol. It was tempting but I'm not going down that road.

I just finished reading through my blog from the past year to see if I could find some answers to my present situation. I think the problem was that I was living a fantasy life for an entire year. Yes, I was! So many things spun out of control. I think I ran myself into a big and busy rut! I avoided the consequences of my actions for the longest time and it has finally resulted in me hitting a brick wall.

I've been in denial for more than a year now. I had been filled with fear and guilt with a dash of shame. Juggling so many things in my life and trying to be so many things to different people finally caught up with me. I started to forget who I am. So I ran away to a world called Second Life, where I didn't have all those problems. I was free and happy there. Now, even that's not enough to save me.

Last night, I finally had to face up to one of the biggest problems in my life. For an entire year, I had another boyfriend. This guy knew I had a boyfriend and it started out as a way to spice up my life. I was bored and unhappy at that time and it just happened. Things got out of hand and I didn't know what to do about it. Come to think of it, I still don't know how it got so out of control. I think somewhere along the way, I started to fall for this guy. I finally ended it last night and although I feel really sad about it, I know it was the right thing to do. But the thing is, the pain I feel is just as painful as my past breakups. I mean how can this be? I'm with my boyfriend of 7 years. I'm pretty sure I love this guy. But right now, I'm just devestated about breaking up with this other one that lasted a year. Fuck, I am so fucked up! Yeah I know I should be posting this in my Secret Garden section but I think I need to confess here as it's pretty obvious I've been in denial for such a long time about this. I am so fucked up and I need to fix my life one step at a time.

I remember a friend of mine told me that I was fucked up about 20 years ago. Well, he was right about that. I know that a year from now, I will look back at all of this and say, "wow I was really fucked up then". Well, I kind of wish it was next year already!

Well, I made my mess and I have to clean it up. I think I will start to clean my apartment tomorrow. I will do some yoga and maybe I should take up jogging or something. I need to clear my mind and remove clutter from my life. I feel the need to simplify things just like a friend in Second Life told me to. I want to wake up tomorrow feeling better than I feel today. Tomorrow my friend will come over for drinks. I already made plans to meet some others next week. I will also try to work on my relationship with my boyfriend of 7 years. Yes, I did tell him about the affair, not including all the tiny details. I did tell him that I was very unhappy at the time. He also told me that he understood and that he is partly to blame for all of this and he actually said thanks for choosing him in the end.

He is a really good guy, my boyfriend. Now I just need to talk things out with him so this doesn't happen ever again. My mother will be here in a few weeks. I want to be happy when she's here. She doesn't need to see all the drama in my life.

Okay I've been busy and lazy

2008-03-10T14:47:00.002+09:00

Wow, it's been over a month since my last post. Before my blog disappears into oblivion, I've decided to post today. Besides, I'm just recovering from a cold and still taking it easy.

First things first. It's getting warmer here in Japan and I can get rid of my electric blanket! Yay! Bad news is that I have to put away all my winter clothes and start getting my spring/summer clothes out from the 2nd floor closet. Yes, my walk-in closet is on the 2nd floor of my apartment! It's more like at attic really, but we just don't have enough space on the main floor for all our stuff and we really do need all the space we have. Space is expensive in Tokyo and I can't move. I like the city too much! So byebye winter!

My mother is coming to visit in April. I haven't seen her in 3 years and really looking forward to seeing her. I'm also saving up so I can take her to Thailand next month. I already bought the plane tickets and reserved the rooms for 7 nights. I reserved really nice rooms for the trip and spent a large chunk of my savings, but hey, she's my mother and she deserves it. I hope she enjoys the trip. It's a surprise!

My friend Michael from Hawaii has plans to visit in June and we have tickets for Singapore during that time. However one problem exists. The hotel rates are outrageous! I have searched and searched the internet for deals but cannot find a decent hotel at a price we can afford! Sure we can pay $500US per night for 9 nights but do we really want to do that? Let me tell you that better deals can be found almost anywhere in my opinion! Even Tokyo is not that expensive! What's up with the prices in Singapore these days? Another gripe I have. The prices for drinks in Singapore is rediculous! I think we can get the same bottle of wine here in Japan for a third of the price in Singapore! Is it that nobody drinks in Singapore anymore or just that prices are too high? I really don't know but a cocktail at a restaurant in Singapore can cost around $10US. In Tokyo, this is quite normal at a very upscale restaurant! But here in Tokyo, a good bottle of wine only costs around $10US! At restaurants, table wine at a nice trattoria is around $5US! Maybe that's why everyone drinks here in Japan. hahaha

Anyway, moving on.....

My relationship with my boyfriend couldn't be better. It's pretty unbelievable to me but true. Our sex life is great and he pleases me in bed like no other! We both love wine, good food, yoga and making money. No, we don't like the exact same things. However our preferences have become similiar throughout the years. It's a nice and comfortable feeling.

My second life in SECOND LIFE is as always, busy! I have seriously started designing clothes in SL and it's harder than I thought and sometimes not as much fun. However I am enjoying this new project and for me, a new business venture. It's another incentive for me to spend so much time in the game. It's very exciting to me to be able to do this. Because it's a business, I have realized that I have a lot to think about in regards to this venture. Not only do I need to design clothes I like, but must be able to sell these items through research and smart marketing. Yes it all sounds like hard work, but believe me it's much easier than doing business in SL and a smaller risk that's for sure! Anyway, let's see how far I can get with this in this new world called Second Life!

My Bell's Palsy is mostly recovered but sometimes I have to wonder. Just last week, I felt bad the entire week mostly due to my affected side tightening up all the way from my scalp to my neck. It's really irritating and I still get upset when I don't feel all that great. Just to make things worse, I came down with a cold and slight fever and that was enough to keep me off my feet for a few days.

So lots of things are happening in my life at the moment. Yoga is the one thing that keeps me sane through this time of restlessness.

My birthday dinner

2008-01-31T15:27:00.000+09:00

For my birthday my boyfriend took me to Nobu Tokyo. I've always wanted to go there so I was really excited! The restaurant is a near replica of the one in New York. It was a good idea that they moved to this new location as it is much more quiet and secluded and has an air of class. The first dish was scallop sashimi new style.
This is a whitefish Peru style. It was sooooo good!
Crispy Salmon Skin Salad.
Cabbage Steak with Truffles
The best dish of all, Robert Deniro's favorite, the fish dish. Can't remember the name!
The chocolate cake bento box.

A very light and refreshing wine jelly with mascarpone ice cream.

Everything about the restaurant was perfect. Yes it was slightly over-priced and it's not something you can do everyday unless you had money to burn. With a cocktail and two glasses of wine each, the dinner came out to over 30000yen. But it was so worth it! Thank you my sweet boyfriend. I love you so much!

Let it snow

2008-01-31T15:17:00.000+09:00

It always seems to snow during the week before or after my birthday. Sure enough is snowed this year as well just like clockwork. This day I had a haircut appoinment. I usually bike it down there, but this day I had to walk.
This place is just one train station away. I used to live here with my ex-boyfriend. This little park is located behind the apartment where I used to live.
Although it's cold, wet and sometimes a pain, I like the snow.

A short walk in my neighborhood

2008-01-31T15:03:00.000+09:00

The other day I went out for a little walk. This is the side road from where I live. It was a nice day although a bit cold. I usually ride my bicycle here but the sidewalk is small and the road is a two-way street so it's very stressful.
This is where we usually buy flowers, bulbs and dirt for our small garden on our balcony.
There's a dog that actually lives here. It's big and cuddly but smells terrible! The owner really needs to give it a bath.
A small trail with trees behind the flower shop.
A couple blocks down and we find a cabbage patch right in the middle of the city!

Pictures from LA, Dec-2007

2008-01-28T14:55:00.001+09:00

My trip to LA started on Dec 27 and lasted for one week. We went during the high season so our plane fare was expensive. However because I had a pretty bad year, I decided to go for it. As you can see in my pictures, my face is almost recovered from Bell's Palsy. This first picture was when I felt the worst. The skin from the tip of my skull to the bottom of my neck was being stretched in a most uncomfortable way. So I'm not smiling in a lot of the pictures.
A forced smile in this picture with my sweetheart. I totally love him to pieces!

Disneyland!

After extensive research on the internet, I found out that CRUMBS was one of the most popular cupcake shops in town. We found it and I got four gigantic cupcakes. I ended up only taking a few bites of each and I cound not eat any more. I was a bit disappointed because it was overly sweet and I was expecting a bit more. Maybe if I just got one it wouldn've been better. Just too sweet for me. Anyway, at least I got to try them. Next time I'll try Sprinkles.

In Santa Monica for lunch. I was so tired and by this time, my face was hurting. But the food was good although service was terrible. hehe

Gumbo at Farmer's Market. OMG, I actually waited in line for about 20 minutes while my boyfriend waited on a bench in the cold weather. Good gumbo though. My boyfriend had the salad below and regretted getting that in the cold weather. He felt even colder afterwards.

Most of our first three days, we just couldn't get over our jetlag. So we slept a lot and took frequent naps. My face was going through the worst time during my Bell's Palsy recovery and I could not get myself to smile. I was tired so often and New Year's Eve was spent in our room. However we went to a fabulous restaurant called Katana. We got reservations last minute and that made our trip. My boyfriend and I ended up shopping a lot of the time. A huge sale was going on at Macy's. Almost everything was 50% off! With our suitcases full and just barely making the weight limit for our return flight, we returned safely back home. I love LA and already making plans to return.

A new morning

2008-01-20T10:35:00.000+09:00

Okay, I feel better today then yesterday. Not that I had a bad day or anything. Just not so good. I think a relationship in my life might be ending. I might just all be in my head and worrying for nothing. It affected my sleep though and for the first time this year, I slept until 10am.

I'm going to try not to think too much today and hopefully have a better day. On days like this, I just need to have really great mind-blowing sex! Boyfriend, get ready!

The new year and other petty details

2008-01-15T14:28:00.000+09:00

Happy New Year friends! Well, last year sucked big time and I was reflecting on the past year to see if there was anything I could salvage from the year I had. So I looked back and thought about what was good...or if anything was good for me. After a few minutes, I did find a few things that happened to me that I would consider to be fortunate. Here's a list I made.

Second Life:
I found a fascinating world that didnt know existed. With all the drama found in real life, I made a few friends that I have become close to. It's strange really, but out of all the things in this world, second life was the last thing I thought I would get involved in. I love all the creativity that can be found...the helpful people found in the metaverse...a place of belonging you can find in Second life that cannot be compared to MSN messenger or anything else for that matter. I cherish those friends that I have met there and hope they will remain my friends for a long time. I'm also going to buy some land. hehe

Getting out of debt:
Yep, I was a bit in debt at the beginning of 2007 and I cleared it by the end of January! Whew!

Saving some money:
Yes I even managed to save a bit and that in itself is a miracle!

My relationship with my boyfriend:
Has gotten better. I love him more than ever and it was due to all the ups and downs that have proven that relationships can last for a very long time. In fact, it has gotten better than ever and I think I have found my lifetime partner.

My real life friends:
They were always there when I needed them even when I alienated them during my illness. I love them and will always love and cherish them. They are my treasures.

My family:
My sister and mother. Although they live in a different country, nothing seems to separate the bond we have.

Getting Bell's Palsy:
Yeah I know it's weird, but it taught me how to slow down. In fact I think I needed to real badly. If I kept going at the rate I was going, I probably would have killed myself. Now only if the recovery was a bit quicker I would be one happy man.

Going to LA and forcing myself to go on a roller coaster:
Yes another dumb thing I know. But for me it was a milestone. For the longest time, i've been avoiding rides due to my anxiety attacks and they had gotten worse over time especially last year. I was bummed out because my friends know how much I love roller coasters and kiddie stuff. But everytime I got on a ride, even a tame ride like Big Thunder Mountain, I would get an anxiety attack and start getting all the symptoms of a heart attack. Through a friend I met in Second Life, who treats patients with anxiety attacks, I forced myself on that friggin ride. The coaster was intense, went upside down, and was a very long ride. I had to get out of line 3 times before just saying, the hell with it. If I die, I die! And I didnt die! In fact, all the adrenaline went somewhere else instead of accumulating as anxiety. And I did it twice and that was a big thing for me so there! Yay!

So although last year was a tough one for me, it wasn't all that bad. Sure I had to slow down and I missed all the xmas parties that I didnt go to. Sure I had to rest a lot and I definitely hated quitting the gym. But I'm doing yoga now and I'm eating healthy. I wake up early and sleep at a decent time. I had to learn how to breathe properly and deal with my panic attacks in new ways. My Bell's Palsy is better but still bugs the hell out of me. But my smile is back and I'm happy again.

Oh, I have a nice house in Second LIfe that I'm renting until I get some land so if anyone wants to come and visit me, just join the friggin thing and look for me! It's really not that hard and if you can MSN, believe me, you can SL!

Oh, my new year's resolutions for the year.

Become healthier through a macrobiotic lifestyle, including diet, exercise and healthy lifestyle choices. (So far so good)

Keep my apartment clean!

Make more money, but take it easy when I have to.

Focus on my projects.

Call my mother once a week.

Get a new haircut! Had this hairstyle forever! Geeeesh!

second life christmas

2007-12-28T16:31:00.000+09:00

Picture outside my apartment.

Some gifts from friends.

My wreath

A painting done by one of my very good friends.

Undies and bracelet from Domch.

Necklace and antler ears from Domch.

My Christmas Tree, a gift from Almasy

Year's end and reflecting on the year

2007-12-21T17:34:00.000+09:00

Well 3 days until Christmas...yippee!!! Nah, actually that was so fake. It's more like Christmas will be here in 3 days and so what. Not being negative or anything like that. This year's been tough and to tell you the truth, I'm just happy to be alive. I've finally been able to function sort of normally these couple of days. I've met someone online and he's been helping me with my panic attacks. In fact, I think he's been more of a help than any doctors I've seen in the past. I truly appreciate his help.

My boyfriend made me truly upset right before the holidays so maybe that's one reasons why I'm not really looking forward to xmas. But hey, some things can't be helped I guess. I'm really too tired to deal with it and I have too many things to concentrate on other than his insensitivity. I still love him and that's all that matters.

By the way, our Christmas tree this year is purple and it's beautiful. The tree has all these purple balls in various sizes and designs. Some are shiny and the others are matte. A silver ribbon circles the entire tree and a few white poinsettias to add some other color. Looking at the tree reminds me of my life this year. So many ups and downs, bright and happy times, dull and painful days...my year in a nutshell.

However once again, all these things have proven to me once again that the human spirit is strong. My friends are genuine and I'm so lucky to have them in my life. My mother and sister care about me and I'm fortunate to still have them with me. My boyfriend who, try as he might, disappoints me on a regular basis and he loves me the best way he knows how. Life sucked big time for me this year. However I'm fortunate to still be here and life can be good.

Merry Christmas

a very long night

2007-12-10T11:30:00.000+09:00

Oh my God, I just woke up. Well to tell you the truth, I actually woke up a number of times and it was just such a strange evening. I slept pretty early at 12 midnight. I was extremely tired because I've been out all day and had a slight cold. I fell asleep almost immediately and started to dream a very long dream that continued all the way until I woke up.

My first dream sequence happened between the hours of midnight until 4am at which time I woke up to get a drink of water. In the dream, I was talking to two guys who apparently were i love with me. I needed both of them to help me with some kind of paper work. It was all in Japanese and was very intensive. They seemed to hate each other as they were rivals. I guess they both realized that I was taking advantage of them because here I am giving them orders to finish up quickly. So I decided to distract them by making them a home cooked meal. This seemed to do the trick and they continued to do the paper work. I started to worry that both of them were going to fall in love with one another and that my paper work wouldn't get done. I had chosen one of the guys to be my partner although the other one was cute as well. However the other one seemed to be the more charming one and I had my heart on him. But strangely enough the only thing that mattered was my paperwork.

At that time, I heard footsteps outside my entrance door. I knew they were coming to kill us although there was no reason to. So I made a quick escape through the balcony. I don't know what happened to them, but I was out of there and there was no turning back now. I woke up at 4am with my mouth totally dehydrated and in need of a glass of water.

I went back to sleep right after my drink and proceeded to dream some more.

The second episode lasted until 7:30. With no paperwork in hand, I was forced to look for an apartment. While looking for one, I accidently ran into one of the guys that I thought had died. He said that he doesn't blame me for running away and have an apartment set up for me. We went over to the apartment and I was upset to see the place small, dark and scary. It was also very dirty. He said that was all he could afford at the moment and promised me that we would move to a better place within a year. I had to think to myself if it was all worth it. Once again I hear footsteps outside the door and this time they got in before I could escape. They were a group of killer samurai. They took us away and we became their prisoners. Fortunately for me, one of the guys fell in love with me at first sight and he was able to save me. This however would created problems for him so I had to disguise myself as a woman.

I woke up at 7:30am shivering for some reason. I was so cold and thought something was wrong so used my thermometer to see what my temperature was. 35.6 degrees. What's wrong with me? I turned up the electric blanket and went back to sleep for the third time.

During the last phase, I was half asleep and half awake for most of the time. It was a restless phase and it seemed to make me more tired. The samurai them dominated the storyline. As a woman, my job was to use my power to gather all the women together to create a lavish dinner to poison the men. The men somehow found out that there was an imposter in the women group which was me. So we as a group decided to do something before they could find out who it was as I have become close to the women. This phase of the dream was the strangest as I was able to transport in and out of people at will. There was a time where I was in a real woman washing dishes. A black bodyguard came in to give me a body check as he became suspicious of me. Obviously I was a women inside and out and he got turned on as he felt me up. He started eating me out and I started to get turned on. He was about to fuck me from behind when a few samurai walked in. They started heading towards the two and I swooshed out from the girl and into someone else before they could kill me.

The rest of the dream consisted of a lot of people being killed and me transporting myself in and out of various people. At the end only four of us were left. We were trapped and at the end each and every one of us were slashed with a couple of necks cut off. At the end I was transported into a baby with a mental deficit disorder.

And that was the end of my long dream. This has to be one of the strangest dream I've ever had in my entire life.

Second Life Christmas Party

2007-11-30T14:17:00.000+09:00

Everyone who is my friend is invited to my Christmas Party in Second Life. Here's a link if you haven't joined yet.

http://www.secondlife.com/?u=c0547162d90043f1a947a5c5e3a36624

Come on and meet me there!

Xmas Tree

2007-11-30T13:48:00.000+09:00

I finally got my Xmas tree up all decorated for the season last week. Yes it's time for my favorite season of the year! Why do I love the holiday season so much you ask? To sum up my feelings, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Strange I know but it just does. This year though, I have to admit that I'm enjoying it a lot different than previous years. I'm most likely not going to my friend's Christmas parties and I'm probably not going to have a party of any kind. Well, I think I might invite a few friends over that I consider to be family and make it a small and intimate affair. My Bell's Palsy still curses me with its unrelentlessness and I'm not confident enough to meet anyone else for yet. I have to decide soon though if I'm going to have any kind of party for myself.

My Christmas tree this year is decorated in purples and silvers this year. It's quite nice actually. My boyfriend and I wanted to do something more "mature" and "modern" this year with our decor. I can't say that it's all that modern, but at least it doesn't traditional. Today I'm going out to buy a pair of poinsettias to go with the tree.

I just got over a really bad cold and I'm still not fully recovered. I mean how many ailments can I get one after the other! I don't know how much more my body can handle all this! My diarrhea wouldn't stop for days and I felt drained and so out of it for a while there. Today I feel much better and hopefully my diarrhea has stopped. At least my appetite has returned.

Next week I really need to get a haircut. My hair is the longest it's been in a while. I haven't cut my hair for over 2 months now. Yeah it's getting out of control but with the way I feel right now, it kind of suits me I think. I like this disheveled look because that's the way I feel. With my hair cut and perfectly styled, it just doesn't feel right with my Bells Palsy and my ailments. hehe

My days are kind of lonely and I know it's all my fault. I've isolated myself from any kind of social life. But that's ok with me for now. Maybe I've had too much of a social life in the years past. Besides my friends will forgive me and hopefully will still love me after all this.

I miss my friends. I miss my life. I miss my face.

Oh, did I say I want to have a Christmas Party in Second Life? Everybody's invited!!! The only requirement is to JOIN second life and to become a FREE member!!! I mean it's FREE for god's sake! However I would recommend getting a new shape, skin, hair and clothes for the party, which are NOT free but can be had for a very little amount. If you don't know what I'm talking about, just look for me IN WORLD. By the way, my Second Life avatar name is Shinichi Mathy. Yeah I look perfect in SECOND LIFE!!! Yeah right!

It's been a while

2007-11-25T11:05:00.000+09:00

Wow didn't realize how long I haven't been updating my blog. I've been busy getting back to work slowly and I also started working out a bit. I still get tired easily but my Bell's Palsy side of my face has improved! I'm very happy as I can now smile a bit and I look like I have some sort of expression other than angry! I also noticed this morning that my ear ringing has sort of improved and it's slowly getting back to normal. Wow, this is all great for me and I couldn't be happier. I did come down with a bad cold last night and don't feel too well, but hey I'm still happy!

I'll be heading to Los Angeles this year as I finally got my tickets! Yay! I finished reserving my hotel rooms and by then, my Bell's Palsy should have improved a bit more. I'm really excited and I'm ready to have a good time.

I started learning how to create and design clothes in Second Life although I'm far from good. It's so difficult learning how to use photoshop! Man, can anyone help me out there? Well, that's my new project and although it's hard work, I'm going to do it! Bought tons of books on the subject, got a brand new computer and cleaned my desk so that I can get to work easily everyday. Wish me luck everyone!

Everyone out there, if you'd like to get to know me, I recommend you get into Second Life yourself and look for me! My name in Second Life is Shinichi Mathy so make a search for me and IM me in-world.

I know it's late but happy belated Thanksgiving Day everyone!

A good Monday

2007-10-30T00:20:00.000+09:00

The weather was nice today. Sunny and cool with a slight breeze. Well, I didn't appreciate the breeze because the wind hurts my eyes these days. You know, my Bell's Palsy keep my eyes wide open and I always manage to get some debris in them just walking along the street!

Well, I got up at a normal hour today. The repairman was coming over to fix our gas controls because hot water was not coming out. Well, it would cost us around 25000yen to replace the control. However his recommendation was to replace the entire gas machine or whatever you call that thing since that machine apparently is nearing its life on earth. Well that's not going to happen anytime soon because that, he said, would cost about 450,000yen not including labor!

Okay, got that out of the way. Next, I went to buy my mother some other things to send her. She loves dried sweet potatoes which only is available during fall. I also purchased some dried azuki beans which she loves. I went to the post office to send it and watched another DVD. This one I didn't cry as much and that's a good thing. My eyes were getting too puffy crying from the other one. Okay, I don't need to get any uglier...geeeeesh!

For lunch, I made a tuna salad and for dinner I cooked a pretty good oden, which is a Japanese stew. It's wonderful and warming during the colder season.

I worked a bit and now I'm relaxing with a diet coke. The time now...12:30AM!

Where am I going?

2007-10-28T23:44:00.000+09:00

These days I have a lot of time on my hands. One reason is that I'm not really working right now. My days usually consist of waking up and eating, doing some yoga at home and grocery shopping before my evening starts. My evenings are spent eating dinner alone with a DVD, spending some time on the internet before getting ready to sleep. So this is how my life has been for the past 6 weeks or so. I'm not sure if it's because I'm depressed or just that I'm lazy. I know the Bell's Palsy started this endless cycle of lazy days doing nothing. I wanted to make sure I got a lot of rest so that I could recover as quickly as I could.

On the weekends, I do stuff with boyfriend. It's easier to do things when you have someone next to you when you are partially handicapped or feel like on at least. I feel secure in knowing that I can depend on him to get me an ambulance if anything unusual happens. Yeah, I know, it's all in my mind as usual, but that's just me these days.

I realize it's the end of the year and we're just a few days away from November. I'm thinking of taking a vacation in December to LA with my boyfriend, although it's difficult trying to get tickets. So far, no luck and the ones that are available are just too expensive. I am looking forward to that. I was going to visit Hawaii but no luck with tickets. So instead, LA seemed like the next best thing.

So until a few days ago, I was really getting psyched about going to LA because it's one of my favorite cities and I haven't been there in a while. I wanted to visit Disneyland again and go shopping on Melrose Avenue and eat a hot dog from Pinkies. Then all of a sudden today< I thought to myself...what's the use? After I go to LA, what comes after that? What awaits me when I get back to Tokyo?

I feel as though I don't really know where I'm going and I'm at a crossroad with a big stop sign. So I'm standing there and don't really know which way I should be going. I am stuck. My engines have stopped running. My legs are deep in quicksand. What now? What next? Where do I do from here?

After 41 years, I still don't have the answers. Christmas is right around the corner and guess what? No big deal!!! It's just another holiday! I used to look forward to the holiday season. All of a sudden, this year, I feel no excitement. Nothing. Nada.

Why? Why? Why? I don't know why. Maybe it's all the movies I've been watching on DVD. They're all kind of dark and depressing and complicated. Maybe the DVDs are starting to affect me. I don't know. Whatever...I just hope that tomorrow I wake up with some sort of direction because I really don't like where I am right now.

Reasons

2007-10-27T00:51:00.000+09:00

This year has not been good to me. However I always try to find the positives in everything. There must be a reason why I suffer from massive panic attacks that feel like a heart attack and my face is half paralyzed. There just has to be.

I'm thinking that God is testing me. Maybe I've been really selfish and not considerate enough towards other people. I know for sure, that's the reason why I have panic attacks. Well, at least that's what I'd like to believe because that makes it easier for me to endure them. Yes, I now understand what people with panic attacks go through and I can relate from the bottom of my heart. I used to think that it was all in the head, but now I know most of the time you can't really do anything about it. It just comes unexpectedly at the most inconvenient of times.

Now for the facial paralysis, I have no explanation except that it makes me think twice when I look at people with a droopy face. Instead of thinking they're mentally retarded or handicapped, I know that maybe they just have Bell's Palsy. Now I know that their mental capacity might be absolutely normal. I mean I sort of look retarded with my lop-sided face so I know that people might think I'm sort of stupid. So that may be the reason...to help me relate to people with facial paralysis.

All in all, the reason for all these things happening to me is most likely because I need to start appreciating what I have. That happiness doesn't depend on material things and beauty. It's what's inside that really counts.

Do I believe that? Hmm...you tell me.

My life

2007-10-19T01:34:00.000+09:00

Today I decided to find whatever that was saved from my old website and keep them in my blog just in case my computer crashes or I die, or whatever. I've also decided to not keep any more secrets in cyberspace at least. I realize that life is messy and shit happens. People are not perfect and you do stuff that you might regret later on. So I'm going to just open myself up. Maybe I'll learn more about myself this way. Perhaps you'll get to know me inside and out...the good stuff as well as the bad. If you still like me, I guess we could be friends!

I'm tired of covering things up as secrets. I hate having secrets. So for those who don't know, I have a secret website called the Secret Garden. You can find a link to it on this blog in the sidebar under "links". It's easy to find. Just don't be too mean to me ok.

If you don't like what you see, please stop reading it. If after reading it, you decide you find me despicable, please delete me out of your life. I'm just at a point in my life where I need to just lay everything in front of me so I can get a clear picture of myself and go from there.

Okay, as usual I'm rambling and so I will stop here right now!

Bad day

2007-10-16T20:11:00.000+09:00

There hasn't been much improvement of my Bells Palsy and it's still frustrating to see no change when I wake up in the morning...or should I say around 11am. I'm still extremely tired and sleepy all the time it seems and I find myself sleeping most of the day. However I'm getting used to things. I'm getting used to the fact that my face is not what it used to be. I'm getting used to looking down and not smiling at people. I'm getting used to the stuffed ear feeling inside my head. I'm getting used to not meeting people. I'm getting used to not going to the gym. I'm getting used to all of it.

I know things could be worse, but combine Bells Palsy with my panic attacks and sometimes I feel like just giving up. I don't know what's important anymore except perhaps my mother and sister. I always think about them and pray to God to keep my mother healthy and happy. For me, I guess I've lived a good life and I've been lucky.

I must admit though that if God gave me just one more ailment that I have to deal with, I would probably just give up.

Sorry, I'm not in the best of moods today.

My real-time post.

2007-10-05T23:31:00.000+09:00

I just returned from Bangkok yesterday. I must say that although I was suffering from Bells Palsy and felt uncomfortable for most of my trip, I'm glad that I did it. Just like my Okinawan trip, I needed to do it for the confidence and to not let my illness debilitate me in any way.

Today, my face felt really uncomfortable...the most discomfort I've felt since I got BP. My ears were ringing in both ears, the inside of my head felt heavy, my eyes were extremely heavy, my face hurt and felt so tight, my good side felt weak and felt tingly all day. I really can't describe the discomfort. However I read that this was usually a good sign and means that my nerves are starting to regenerate. It's tough though and I swear, it's been a very hard day. Good news is that my mouth seems to have a bit more movement...still crooked though.

My friend Michael really seems to sleep alot these days. He usually sleep a lot anyway, but I notice he sleeps even more. He can't seem to spend an entire day outdoors which is really bad for a guy the same age as me. I'm worried about his health.

Second Day in Okinawa...with BP

2007-10-05T23:14:00.001+09:00

Second day, we woke up and spent some time at the beach. We then checked out of the hotel and drove down to Naha, which is the main entertainement, shopping area in Okinawa. On the way, I felt so bad I had to try and sleep it off in the car. I forced myself to get out and we found a restaurant to eat some noodles. Here is what I ordered.
This is my boyfriend's meal. Looks good doesn't it? Well, I felt so bad and nauseated that I was hardly able to touch my food. My boyfriend started to get upset and I felt bad so I forced a smile on my face and slowly attempted to eat my food. I swear, that was one of the hardest things to do. I ended up leaving most of the food in my bowl and told my boyfriend that it was delicious, but I was just tired.
After lunch though I felt better and we ended the day at Duty Free. My boyfriend had a really yummy looking curry.
I ordered noodles again because I didn't really remember the taste during lunch. The Okinawan noodles really are delicious.
I did buy a bag at Duty Free. It cost me a lot, but I really wanted to invest in a good quality leather tote bag. I think it was worth the $8oo.
It was fun being able to shop duty free within Japan.
I survived the trip and I was glad that I went. I didn't die and I actually enjoyed my trip.

Okinawa day one continued...

2007-10-05T23:03:00.001+09:00

I really wanted to visit the Blue Seal Ice Cream Parlor. It's a famous chain in Okinawa and I think it's affiliated with Foremost Ice Cream in Hawaii. The sign looks familiar anyway. The ice cream was just so-so, but the flavors were unique. Ube, coconut, papaya and other tropical flavors you can't get in Japan.
In the evening we had some local cuisine.
Chanpuru, which is a stir-fry of local ingredients, was simple and delicious.
This is the famous Rafti, belly pork simmered until melt-in-your-mouth tender.
This beef salad was great.
Stir-fried somen noodles with vegetables.

After the meal, my mouth was hurting and I was drained. We went shopping at a supermarket I really wanted to visit. I forgot the name, but they had a very good apple pie there. We purchased some Okinawan goodies to take back home and a bag of dragon fruit, which is now one of my favorite fruits!

I was very nervous going to sleep as the night before I woke up with a terrible panic attack and had to the emergency room. Fortunately, I slept well and survived the night.

Okinawa with Bell's Palsy Day One

2007-10-05T22:44:00.000+09:00

Only one day after a visit to the emergency room and two days after my diagnosis of Bell's Palsy, my boyfriend and I left for Okinawa. I was scared shitless but my boyfriend looked really disappointed and I figured, if I die or something, I might as well die on vacation. So after a little over 2 hours, we arrived in Okinawa.
The minute we arrived, it felt like we had arrived in Hawaii. My eyes were extremely sensitive to bright lights and I so I had to wear sunglasses most of the time.
Okinawa was a place that reminded me of Hawaii, yet very Japanese. The first time I went to Okinawa was when I was working for the airlines and we were there for just half a day so I really don't remember much.

Our hotel was centrally located on the beach near American Village. The weather did not seem to cooperate with us and seemed to cloud over as soon as we stepped foot on the beach.
Actually that worked for me since my eyes were so sensitive and I really wasn't feeling too well. Still, I managed to enjoy the trip.
The worst part for me was just getting used to keeping my eyes moist and I seem to get dizzy a lot of the time. Eating was also a big problem.

Very beautiful graffiti at the beach. I wish I had the energy to walk the entire length.

Our room was a family type room with a living room and a separate bedroom. Very comfortable indeed.
We really didn't get to relax much as it was just an overnighter. Much too short for a trip to Okinawa.

Today's post

2007-09-27T01:21:00.000+09:00

It's funny this Bells Palsy. The past 3 days, I felt really good actually. I could leave the house and do normal stuff. I even did a little bit of cardio...just a bit. Then today I suddenly don't feel too good. My ear feels really weird like it's stuffed up and my face feels tired. I can open my mouth a bit wider now, but it seems to get tired quicker. Oh, well just have to wait some more. It's almost 4 weeks now with this and I was hoping things would be better by now. I guess now.

My friend from Hawaii arrived yesterday. I really love it when he's here as he's truly like a brother to me. He says he's gained more weight, but can't really tell the difference. Tomorrow we are supposed to leave for Bangkok, but I'm still unsure. I guess I will see how I feel tomorrow morning and I feel better, I will go. However I will meet no one and I will probably just stay in my hotel room and read all day and maybe spend some time at the pool. I have a book I'd like to read and I'm looking forward to that. The part I'm afraid of is the plane ride I guess. I really shouldn't be all the scared though. I mean it's just 6-7 hours and all I'm doing really is sitting or eating. However with the panic anxiety/bells palsy combination, I feel really jittery and nervous. I already have trouble with the anxiety thing on planes but I have to try to get over it and hope my anxiety pills work overtime. Once I arrive I should be fine. Then for my flight back, I will sleep most of the day before so I won't feel so tired for the morning flight. That should do it.

I also have been getting dizzy and feel faint. It must be not enough protein. I haven't been eating meat or anything large because my mouth wouldn't open. So I would just drink juices and nibble on pieces of bread and stuff. Maybe not enough iron. So today my protein packs from AGEL arrived and I'll be taking some with me.

Okay, time for bed and a lot of rest before my flight tomorrow. Maybe.

By the way

2007-09-22T02:12:00.000+09:00

I just wanted to post that I went to the doctor today. I had a long chat with my doctor to see how much she knew about Bells Palsy. I also asked my psychiatrist about it. I guess they all said the same thing, but I'm glad I went because at least these doctors were much nicer than the neurologist I was seeing. Come to think of it, the neurologist didn't do anything special other than tell me to blink and smile.

Anyway, these past couple of days, I let myself sleep as much as I could and that was easy because I felt so drained. However today I have started seeing very small improvements. I'm beginning to feel the muscles in my cheek starting to move and my eyebrows are moving with a greater range of motion. I still can't smile, but my cheek doesn't feel as tight as yesterday.

I did a little walking in place, yoga, stretching and situps because I haven't worked out in 3 weeks. It felt good to do that and I didn't feel bad afterwards. I think I'm improving!

A Summer Day in Izu

2007-09-22T01:40:00.000+09:00

Izu Peninsula is a 2 hour drive from Tokyo with no traffic. We woke up at 4am and left 30 minutes later for the trip. I have to admit I was sleeping most of the trip. This is a picture of a stream where the water is supposed to be so clean you can drink it. It's one of the places where water from Mt. Fuji accumulates. You can actually see the water coming out of the earth at some points and it's awe-inspiring.
A small fishing village where we decided to get some lunch.
My boyfriend had this tempura bowl with lots of seafood. He never even let me have a taste and it really looked good. Things like that make my far from perfect. He knows I love tempura.
Here's my seafood sushi bowl. Look at all the seafood...and it was fresh!

This fishing village was almost deserted due to the fact that the summer season was at its end.

We drove to another village where I found one of my favorite spots on this trip.

A foot bath!

And what's behind these doors?

Lo and behold, a riverside cafe! It's that just amazing!
The owner's pride shows throught the place. Everything from the coasters and glasses to the cakes and cookies are handmade!
The delicious chocolate cake with ice cream.
Two types of chiffon cake with fresh cream. I just loved this place.

The statue at lover's point. I have no idea what this place is.

This place is called Lover's Point or something like that. The view really was spectacular.
This is a view while taking a dip in a hot spring!
Another view from the baths!

A very hot day. Can you tell I'm forcing a smile?
The perfect thing for a hot day...shaved ice with mangoes!

We also spent about an hour sunbathing at a beach we found. It was really hot and seriously I thought I would get heat stroke. But this year I was ready and I brought a huge bottle of water with me and lots of sunscreen. Last year I had heatstroke at the pool.

We visited a few shops and I couldn't resist buying some things to take back with me. My boyfriend didn't buy anything as always as he's very tight with his cash. The drive home was crazy and it took us 5 hours going back. We finally got home at 11pm and as usual, my boyfriend was in a bad mood. I swear, he is such a baby! Anyway, other than my boyfriend's mood swings and stinginess, and the fact that he took me on this trip because I complained that we didn't do anything this summer, this was the highlight of my summer.

3 weeks with Bells Palsy

2007-09-19T07:39:00.000+09:00

So it's been exactly 3 weeks since my face became paralyzed. I remember the first week being really scared and always felt nauseated. The second week I found myself with pains, but tried to stay upbeat and positive about the situation. Week 3...well not much has changed except a very subtle movement in my eyebrow and twitching in my cheek. This week I feel a bit depressed. Maybe it's because I was expecting more improvement by this time. I guess the hardest part for me is not being able to smile. Living day-to-day without smiling is taking its toll on me and it's extremely tiring, physically as well as mentally. Don't know why I'm always so tired and I read about it on another site that most people feel totally drained and that nerve healing takes up a lot of your energy. It's just really really tiring and I sometimes just want to stay in bed all day!

It's 7:45am here and as I'm blogging, I already plan on going back to bed again and gettings some z's. Yesterday, my day was extremely short. I mean, I woke up past 1:30 noon and slept at 1:00am. I even took a couple of hour naps during the day, which made my day even shorter. I never logged onto SECOND LIFE for the first time in ages. I was just too tired.

I'm hoping for more energy today. If I do, I will go to Ikebukuro to pay for my AMEX bill and to the bank to deposit some more money. I am beginning to worry about money since my work has come to a standstill.

Oh, I'm beginning to wonder if I still love my boyfriend. He seems happy though...just not me.